Sorry . . . It's Just Not Fair . . . .

[LindaKoz]

The day started out on a fairly good note. I met three friends from church for breakfast. After we were done eating, my one friend who lost her husband three years ago suggested we go for a walk becaus the sun finally decided to make an appearance after about five days of rain and clouds. The walk was invigorating and our conversation was healing. It was good to be with someone who understands what I am going through.

Now I'm sitting at home trying to write a short paper which is due Monday night but I decided it would be a good idea to take a break and found myself on facebook looking at Brian's pictures. Of course, I am overwhelmed by sudden emotions and the never-ending realization that he is not going to be coming home. He's not a work while I'm home doing homework. He's not going to call me and ask how my day is going. We are not going to have "happy hour" when he comes home. He's not going to be coming home ever again.

It's so unfair. I look at his pictures and see his smiling face. I remember each and every moment we spent together. Conversations run through my mind. I remember how much Brian enjoyed being alive. My one friend told me last week that as soon as he met Brian he just knew he was one of the nicest guys on this planet. How could this happen to him? Why???? I understand that there are no answers. I know that I must somehow find the courage to go on. And, I know I am allowed to have these times when I break down and cry. I let the tears come as they must. But I still miss him and I just love him so much. My heart is breaking. My life is fragmented. It's hard to think about going on like this for the rest of my life. I'm only 48 and my grandmother lived until 91. Can I really spend that many years apart from Brian? Will there ever be a time when I don't look a 09/23/2009 as the defining moment in my life? The time when there was a before and an after?

Once again, I am glad for this site. I really needed to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Tears will come when they need to. Sadness will prevail for now. Hopefully some day it will be a bit easier to smile. Thanks for listening, all of my friends.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[mrspapajohn]

Oh, Linda - - I am so sorry that you lost Brian. I can actually feel the love between you when I read your words. There is nothing so difficult as this that we will ever go through. It has been almost 10 months since I lost Stephen and I still cannot picture my life without him. You are fortunate to have a friend that understands. My mother outlived my father by 20 years, and although she never forgot him, she did laugh and actually feel joy again. When his name came up, she actually smiled. That gives me hope. I hope that it will do the same for you.

Kathy

[Kat2005]

Linda,

I can identify with everything you have just said. My days usually start out good but it doesn't take long for the tears to come. I too start thinking about each moment we spent together. His wonderful sense of humor and that laugh which was so infectious that if you didn't laugh along you definitely had a smile on your face.

It isn't fair. Their lives were too short and they should be with us. The only thing that helps me is that I know he is not in pain anymore and that he is in a better place. I may not agree with the life he/we were dealt but somehow in my heart I have to accept it. I don't know when that will be. I will have to just have faith that one day I will. I know it is going to be a very long journey, but as everyone keeps telling me to take one day at a time and that is what I am trying to do.

I am also very thankful for this sight. Everyone has such good advice to give. It is so comforting to know that when you are at a point mentally and emotionally and you don't know what to do or need to talk to someone there are people willing to listen. The people hear are so comforting and they help you realize that you are not alone.

You take care,

Kat

[derby]

Linda

Hugs~~prayer~~and blessings sent your way. Debbie

[laurieb]

Hi Linda

I too am 48, just lost my husband 33 weeks go today. and my grandmother just passed away at age 93. God it isn't fair. I truly feel somehow better readying everybody else's post as I don't feel so alone and so crazy. I miss him so so much. I don't have any family around, my boys are moving on with one in college and the other one just accepted this week. In a very short time I will be completely alone. I have a job, big deal. no family my best friend in the world is not here and never will be.. life is hard. I too hope someday I will smile and laugh again. I know what you are talking about when you describe being overwhelmed with all the sudden emotions... it is like having a wave rush over you and feeling like you are drowning.. its horrible.

With God's help and one day at a time...i hope to get through this.

hugs to you

laurie

[Fredzgirl]

Fred has been gone nearly 4 months. Yes, it's not fair. I find myself feeling sorry for myself. I was forced to reframe my life after my divorce when I was 45 and now again after losing Fred at 59. I don't know if I have the energy for it and I don't know how to live on my own. Oh, the day to day stuff is easy. I can pay bills, bring in enough income, do maintenance on the house .... It's learning how to cope without having someone to help me find where I put my keys, to share a funny story, to do a crossword with, and on and on and on. It's not fair. And if he could speak for himself, he would say it wasn't fair to him either. He loved life. He looked forward to seeing his grandchildren grow, to see his sons continued success in their business, to keeping up with old friends, being there for his old dog and growing old with me. None of it fair. Fred would say, "It is what it is." And it is.

[Korina]

I can identify with you on two points, in particular. Pictures put me over the edge. My mom advised me not to look at them too much in the beginning. After I chose a bunch for a slide show for his funeral, I took her advice. The only picture I continually look at is our wedding picture, as it is in the living room. At 4 and a half months, I only look at other pictures occasionally, and the result is still the same - tears, sometimes desperate, wracking sobs, sometimes the simple sad tears. But they also connect me to our lives together.

The second point is how time stretches forward into an eternity. I asked my mother one day, "How am I going to survive the next 40 years without him?" Probably longer, as my grandparents also lived into their nineties (I am 41).

I like what Fredzgirl said. "It is what it is."

Korina

[kayc]

Yes Linda, it's very unfair. I have a sick sense of humor you could say (I blame my dad) and I like to say "Life sucks and then you die"...sometimes that's pretty much summed it up. We don't get dealt fair hands, we just have to play the one's we're dealt. Cry, yell, scream, it's okay, just get it out, we're all here, we're listening.