Journey

[laurieb]

I was posting and reading yesterday and felt bad as someone responded to my post about not having the pain get better with time. I remember when I first joined this group and read post of others that had lost their spouse several months and years before me and were still having tough times, days and nights. I was discouraged. I was holding on thinking there was going to be this magic moment when I would be able to breath without pain, when I would make it though the weekend without falling apart, when the pain in my heart would not feel so physically painful and almost paralyzing.

Each month things do get better over all! You have to work at this journey of grief. I have found that if you just sit there and allow it to overcome you, it will. If you read, journal, post, listen and pray, one day at a time things will improve. This doesn't mean that we are whole again or that happiness is back in our life, or that things are even the way the were...never! we are changed forever. But there is hope and I want those that are newer in this journey to know that.

Each month that passes (and I am on 7), I am stronger, I have longer periods of being ok, I am able to function a bit better and.. most of all I am able to give back and share. I could not do that before, I was in so much pain that I just couldn't. We all belong to this club that no one wants to belong to but I truly care about each of you and I am so grateful that you are here when I am having such a painful day/moment.

For those that are new in their journey, please know that you will get stronger and to please keep journaling and sharing with us. I am such a shy person and my husband was my very dearest best friend for decades so it is sooooo hard for me to reach out and to change who I am and what I need to do at this age in my life, if I don't, the grief will overtake me and win and that is NOT what Scott would want for me or our boys. He is and was the love of my life and, until we meet again, I will fight every day to get better, to find myself again and to know that he is watching out for me and the boys and loves me just as much as I love him.

God Bless

Laurie

[azusaman]

Wonderful!!

Ted

[MartyT]

Laurie, dear, thank you so much for your message of honesty, hopefulness and reassurance.

[Jsph110]

i like your post Laurieb. if you are on msn add me: syoks@hotmail.com

[Maryo]

Hi Laurie,

You explained this grief journey so beautifully.I am at the 15 month mark of my husband death and I am at the stage where I have accepted that I am on my own now, but I am trying to look forward to the future because life is a very precious gift and it can end at any moment.Sure I still cry for what I have lost but I am still here and I want to make my life happy again.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[derby]

Your words were very inspiring to read. Thank you for hope, courage, and insight. Blessings, Debbie

[Kat2005]

Laurie,

Your words are so comforting. It has only been 4 months for me and I still feel that grief is winning. Everywhere I go, everything I do I think of him. He was the center of my world for so long I don't know what to change in my life right now to start healing. I still feel that my world centers around him even though he is not here anymore. I just can't believe he is gone. Today has been a very hard day for me. I seem like I am walking in circles and not getting anything done.

I tried going out last night with some friends. I forced myself to do it because I thought getting out would help. It did a little. The only problem is that coming home to an empty house started the emotions all over again. I know it takes time, but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He will always be my love and my best friend and I will always have a piece of my heart missing. I just pray for the strength to get through this.

Kat

[laurieb]

Kat

I too will pray for you tonight and send you a hug. It is so hard and you are right, they will always be the love of our life and no one can take that away from us!! There will be days when we simply have a really hard time. Sundays are hard for me during football season as I loved to cook for him and watch the games with him while we had the fire going and football on... it was just Fall to us and now it is Fall to me. I have the fire going, football playing and made a nice dinner for our son... it will never be the same and that is just so hard to comprehend some days. I am glad you went out with friends. i went out a few weeks ago with a girlfriend and while I was on the popcorn line at the movies someone came up to me that I hadn't seen since his death and shared their condolences...I just wanted to go running out of the theater!!! I didn't and the movie was funny. Scott touched many many peoples lives and I am blessed that I still hear and see that in people. Keep writing to us Kat and know that you are NOT alone...

One day at a time and, at four months, I could hardly make it through a couple of hours so be kind and gentle to yourself.

Hugs

Laurie

[Boo Mayhew]

What a marvellous positive post - thank you :-)

I am at 10 months, and would describe my state as being: still as painful, HOWEVER I have started to adjust ... I am more balanced physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually ... I can (usually) control my tears (e.g. can work full time and rarely at work cry and if I do ... I get a grip quickly) ... I can laugh with people about Cliff, sharing memories ... I can go for a couple of hours without his death being the primary thought ... I have been happy on a few occasions ... I can make plans and look forward to things again (although not the coming holiday season!) ...

yes, I'd concur ... definitely made progress even though I was a doubting Thomas in the beginning.

I think he'd be proud of me and the biggest learnings I have so far are: not to push myself too hard, be patient with myself, allow myself time to grieve, I've been graced with the gift of empathy, I've blogged, posted here, gone to counselling, and discovered how much hard work grief work is ... I've surprised myself at how strong I could be ... and how much I've retained of what he taught me when I've needed it most.

the tsunamis are visiting me less frequently (unless someone is horrible to me, or I feel ill, or scared ... e.g. power cut!) and am sailing on a fairly choppy sea, but in no current danger of capsizing. But when a tsunami brings me to my knees, I consider my outpour as healing, and I welcome it almost (rather than fight it) ... and I tell myself. Breathe, breathe ... be still and this will pass. I am going towards my husband, I have not left him in my past ... that was but a taste - we still have eternity together.

My ambitions now are to lead as good and rich and happy a life - this new different unwanted life - make him proud of me .... remember the lessons ... not become bitter but remain the person he fell in love with ...

wishing you all strength and peace

[laurieb]

Boo

THANKYOU!!! all your posts are amazing and bless me but this one was.. for me! you are very special, thank you for being so in touch with you and working so hard on your journey and having the eloquence of sharing it

God Bless you Boo, I work everyday to get to the place you are already

Laurie

[Korina]

So many inspiring words, here. At 4 and a half months, I am able to function, and welcome events where I can get out and do something "normal". I still am on a roller coaster, and though Scott's absence is, ironically, always present, I am able to smile, especially when I am with friends. The hardest part of the day is still when I go to bed, or else when our daughter does something that makes me smile, and I ache to share it with him.

Korina

[kayc]

I can relate...it is never again the same, but you do learn to cope with it. It seems like the "spark" has gone out of life along with their death though. It is up to us to work out our own survival and create some kind of a life for us...this cannot be expected to happen in the first year when you're in shock and extreme pain and learning to cope and adjust to so much, nor perhaps even in the second year when reality has set in and disappointments and loneliness abound, but it seems the third year gets a little better. Everyone's timetable is different and we can't expect to be like someone else, but you're right, it takes a lot of work and effort on our part. We learn a lot along the way, tools that aid us throughout our lives. We learn how strong we are, and it all helps. I'm glad you posted this, I wouldn't want anyone to lose heart because of our having a bad day or our not "rebounding" like we think we should...we're all different.