LindaKoz Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Today there is just an ever-present sadness and my mind keeps replaying memories of Brian. Nothing really happened to trigger the sadness, it's just there. I am approaching the six week date and, though I know in my mind that the loss is still fresh and new, I keep hoping that it will get easier. Sadly, that is not the case today. Yesterday I spent time with two of Brian's daughters, all three of his grandchildren, and my son. The grandchildren came in their Halloween costumes and they looked so cute. I keept thinking that Brian should have been with us. He would have loved to see his little Mario, ladybug, and giraffe. And, then, of course, my mind begans to ask the whys and replay the should haves and could haves. Life just doesn't seem to make any sense . . . . I get up, I go to work, I try to focus on my studies, I'll go to class. I do all of the "normal" things in life but nothing is the same. And, it will never be the same again. I just miss him more than I can bear. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. We were supposed to grow old together. We had so many hopes and dreams. He was my rock and my foundation. I really came alive the day that I met him. Who am I now? Well, thanks for listening all of my new friends. I know we are going through the dark night together. I guess I just needed to get these thoughts off of my mind again. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Hi My Dear Friend, I will grieve right along with you today...The grief always waits for you...and I'm noticing that I'm such a downer to be with..I cry on the phone when I least expect it...Yesterday, I wanted to be with my daughter at a jewelry show..but I found myself thinking of Bob and how I would rather be spending my Sunday with him and then feeling guilty because I can't be in present time with my Debbie...I looked at a lot of jewelry and was left sad and cold...My daughter even asked me if I wanted to go home...that freaked me out because I didn't want to spend the day alone...Sorry Linda that you are so sad waiting for the grief to leave...and Brian to be alive...what a bad dream this is....I don't even like fixing my house up because Bob is not here to say "Good job Dear" "looks great"...I guess I lived for the kudos more than I thought....If your hungry you eat, if your tired, you sleep, if your lazy, you drink coffee...but if your lonely for your Brian and me for my Bob, you wail like a sick animal...nothing seems to take it away and it always waits for you and it is always there...This Thurs is my 6 weeks and it feels like day 2....I just ordered another grief book entitled, "Love Lives On, Learning From The Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved"...I will be happy to share it with you and the rest of our family here...I hope it is not way out there and it pertains to what we all can attain from our loved ones...just sweet dreams would be nice....Good to talk with you Linda, you are such an encouragement to all of us...I will pray for you...Rochel Bo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Oh Rochel, the book you've selected is wonderful, and so is its author, Lou LaGrand. See this post: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=2100&view=findpost&p=13233 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Yesterday was such a downer day for me, too. No particular reason. And it took a long time to get to sleep. I still have this pressure in my head from tension, pressure of sobs, though it is slowly subsiding as I start to actually DO some things, today. Today is better, but not great. Just the nature of the beast. Day by day. We just miss them so much. And for me, though I believe he is watching over us, at a place of higher being, it is still a leap of faith that I struggle with. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 3, 2009 Report Share Posted November 3, 2009 Add me to the list also. Yesterday and today were particularly down days for me. Just seems there are few minutes in the day when I don't think about her. Hope this week is better. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 3, 2009 Maybe it was just meant to be one of those sad days. I went to class tonight which is usually helpful because I am surrounded by people who care. Tonight I really wasn't able to talk about my loss -- tears came too easily. I just miss Brian so much and the thought of never seeing him in this life is too much to bear. My life sucks right now and I want the pain to go away. I have an appointment tomorrow with my Pastoral Counselor. I hope that her guidance and compassion will help me deal with this loss in some small way. I need to find a way to be able to continue to go on. Everyone tells me that I am strong and amazing but inside I feel small and weak. I just want him back and I know that nothing I say or do will make this happen. He was such a big, strong man. How could an infection take his life away? Thanks for listening and for offering support, love and encouragement. I cannot begin to tell you all how much this means to me. I know that I am surrounded by love and that I am truly being held up by friends and family. It is just so amazing to come here and find such warmth from people I have never met. Words will never adequately express my thanks. Hugs to you all as we walk through our enormous grief. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 3, 2009 Report Share Posted November 3, 2009 Hi Korina, I sure know about sinus eyes, nose, and headaches...Everytime I cry I feel so lousy...and it seems I cry everyday...Your Brian looks like such a nice guy...Once I can figure out how to put a photo...I will upload my Bob's picture...they are tiny though...I bet that our little girl is a great comfort to you...I'm so glad that you have her...How old is she now??? I'm getting to know that kindness is here with all of you..and it is a safe place to fall...Bless you, Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 3, 2009 Report Share Posted November 3, 2009 Thank you, Rochel. Our little girl is just about 9 months old. I don't know what I would have done without her. She is my husband's greatest gift. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 3, 2009 Report Share Posted November 3, 2009 Linda, Sorry you're having such a tough time...I guess it's the norm to feel the ups and downs, it's a tough thing to get used to. My heart goes out to you. Love, Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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