Not So New, No Place To Begin

[fred]

Hello friends, For those of you who do not know me, I am a widower. My life ended almost three years ago, and though I have tried, it seems impossible to restart. My existence today is just that, nothing more. Each day begins and ends much like the one before and though I have hope that everything will improve eventually, no one can tell me when ¨eventually¨ begins. I´m not perpetually down, I do function reasonably well; but there is no ambition, no drive, no focus, just...existence.

There are several anniversaries I will be facing in the next few months, and then, perhaps, I will try to move on again. I realized a while ago that starting a new relationship provided a spark that gave some light to this endlessly dreary world. But things didn´t work out and the resulting crash far back into my grief was worse than I would have suspected. A few more tentative forays into the dating world and I discovered that I really wasn´t ready to try again. Maybe next spring. We´ll see.

I have made many new friends. Some here, some on one of the online dating sites, many in the real world, but they don´t take the place of all that has been lost. And so, life goes on. Not well, but continuing.

I can remember being told that the first year of grief is the hardest; baloney. Some said things get easier after the second anniversary; perhaps, but not what I would call appreciably. Now I hear that this next year is usually better, okay; well, maybe every year will be a little better, but will things ever be good again?

Is there anyone still checking in that feels they have made it through the forest, or climbed the mountain or any of the other analogies we use to describe our journey? Is there any one turning point where you can say ¨yes, I survived my loss¨, or do we just slowly evolve into our new selves?

[kayc]

Oh my dear friend, I wish I had a ready answer for you but alas, I do not. I do feel that it took me three years to process George's death. I've had some setbacks with other things, as you know, but that aside, I feel I'm doing a whole lot better than I was...the first year seemed the worst in that we had to survive all of the "firsts without", the second year seemed a little worse in a way because we expected it to be better and it wasn't...the third year, still processing. I think I've accepted his death as best as I can...I no longer question, seldom cry, but yes, I'll always miss him, he was just a very special person, how can I not? But I'm not done living either, and I certainly hope that life has more to offer than what has transpired thus far...and if there's karma, I wish some of it would come our way, cuz I really don't think we're such bad people that deserve what we've gotten. Fred, I hope and pray that you will meet someone so special that she'll knock your socks off and you two will ride into the sunset and live happily ever after! Sound corny? It's not meant to be...for that really is my wish for you.

Love you dear friend,

Kay

[LarrysGirl]

Fred, Our lives have been changed dramatically from the day we lost the ones we loved and cherished. I will be at four years Nov. 16 and Larry's birthday the next day Nov. 17th. This is the hardest season for me. The holidays have been stripped of happy times since his death. I would say my life is still pretty much just an existence also. Its not that I think it has to be this way forever but I know I am still grieving and only recently began to feel I've regained my mind again. This has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally. Take care of yourself, don't be too hard on yourself and I hope you will find some peace and comfort during your upcoming anniversaries. Deborah

[mlg]

Fred

As we've always said, it's one step at a time. I'm sorry that your dating experiences haven't worked the way you wanted them to, but maybe it just wasn't the right time. I too thought maybe I was ready to at least go out to eat with someone of the opposite sex but as soon as they asked I knew I wasn't.

I know some people who read our posts think we are downers, but that is not the intent. We are just trying to be honest and find our own way at the same time. I still can only look at today because the future without Tom still hurts too much. That is my coping while others have totally moved on. We each go through this journey our own way and that is fine. There is no right or wrong way - just our way.

I have a friend who just recently opened up to me. I think she has been holding a lot in. She is 18 years older than I and had worked in my grandma's beauty shop. Something came up when she called to make a donation for Tom's benefit and she said she was so tired of people telling her how well she was doing. She said this was her 8th year and the worse yet. She has called several times since because I think she is a lot like me. If people would just let us be us and treat us like they did before we lost our loved one and let us cry when we need to without making us feel bad about it; I think we would all get better a lot quicker. It's all the charade playing that we have to do that keeps us from moving forward. I think that is why so many of us do better at our grief support groups and on this site, because we can be us.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for because you have always seemed like such a nice person. They always say that love shows up in the most unusual places and maybe that will happen for you.

Wishing you much happiness.

[kath]

Dear Fred,

I definitely think it is more of a revolving than an awakening. We slide forward, slip back, flop from side to side, and try new things. I have always admired your willingness to get back into the dating scene. That is one thing I was happy I would never have to do (when I was with Bob, that is.) The lonliness can be unbearable at times, even in a crowded room, so I do understand why you don't want this new life to be a single venture.

I have a friend that is very in tune to nature and spiritual senses. I was crying and carrying on about how hard it still is and how very lonely this has been. No one can replace our spouses, and even though I am interested in getting "out there" I don't think I could. She said at this time of year, be it the shift in days, or the full moon, or even Halloween, there is a sadness that is present. It is the time of year when the veil between the living and the dead is the thinnest. So, maybe, it is the time of year that we think of our loved ones the most because they are the closest to us. I don't know. But somehow, her words helped me. And as I read the posts on this forum, I pretty much see that same sadness. A lot of people further along have been checking in. I am grateful, because your experience is what has helped me the most, but I do wish for happier days because I hold onto that hope. We are moving and evolving, it just gets frustrating because we are an impatient breed and want things right away.

I guess it may be best to change our expectations (of us, life, people, etc.) and find the simple joys in each day. It all goes back to those baby steps that Mary Linda mentioned.

Kath

[fred]

Thank you friends, it´s always comforting to know we aren´t having these feelings alone. And, I´m not sure it´s just the time of the year; the anniversaries of our respective losses are spread throughout the year. For me, I think it´s just the continuing realization that things aren´t progressing as well, or as quickly as I expect. That may be a personal issue, I have always felt shear effort can make things happen. But the part that disturbs me is the difficulty I have accepting life alone. Kay and I were talking last night about how we have both lived alone for large parts of our lives and have been; at least content, if not comfortable with the situation. Maybe it´s the knowledge of how close to perfect life was with our spouse, or the suddenness of the change; the shock to our systems. I don´t know, I´m just getting tired of the way things are.

[kayc]

Fred,

For me, it's knowing what it CAN be...and isn't. In the past (before George's death), when I lived alone, there was more of a state of contentment...but afterwards, it became a sore reminder of what I was missing. So for someone to tell me (or you) that we "just need to learn to love/enjoy living alone" is a crock. Let THEM live alone! For me, I still have the same contentment, but alongside it is also a knowing...what I am missing.

[Maryo]

Hi Fred,

I hope you don't mind if I join this topic. I lost my husband 15 months ago. I feel if I survived the first year and boy was it a hard year than I can survive anything.I took a early retirement package at 55 in Aug.I have a hard time with the loneliness that brings me to tears on many days.I have to much time on my hands now and am trying to decide on what I should do for the next part of my life.This is hard after working at the same place for 36 years.

I think love will find us when we are not looking and when we are ready.I hope all the special anniversaries you have coming in the next few months are not to painful and will bring you some happy memories.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[fred]

Thank you for replying Maryo. The more support we get, the more lives that are shared, the more we realize how common our situations are. While I would love to be able to retire, it is my work that often structures my life now. A day off can get easily wasted sleeping late and feeling sorry for myself. It seems I now have to push myself to do those things I used to look forward to. Good luck with your journey, I realize that fifteen months was still early in my grief.

[David'sGirlStill]

Oh my dear heart friends,

Fred your post touched me so. I haven't posted in quite a while. I was really sick with kidney stones and then I've been afraid I was going to make someone feel worse. It's been 8.5 months since my heart left this earth and I'm not ok at all. Since I was sick I feel like I'm at day one. If one more person says "You have to let go him go" I swear I think I'll scream and never stop.

So while I'm so sorry for everyone's pain, you have helped me so much.

Hugs to all

Phyllis

[LindaKoz]

Hi Phyllis,

I'm relatively new to this grief journey. I lost my beloved fiancee, Brian, seven weeks ago. It doesn't make me feel bad to know that you are still experiencing grief 8.5 months after you lost the love of your life. I understand that I will walk this path for a long, long time. I loved Brian very deeply and I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. I hope that some day the happy memories of our life together will be in the forefront while the unbearable sadness and ache will reside somewhat. But I will never, ever "let him go." And, if anyone says those words to me, I will probably have to reconsider if it is someone I want to spend time with. Don't ever "let go" of the person you wanted to spend the rest of you life with. Don't ever let go of the love that you hold in your heart. Why would you want to? And, why do others think that you should? I've had a few people offer very insensitive condolences and I now do my best to avoid them. I surround myself with those who are willing to listen, to cry with me, to surround me with love and compassion. They are my true friends. I'm sending you hugs and prayers.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[kayc]

Fred,

You won't be alone forever...just keep in mind that there IS someone out there for you and try not to get frustrated by not knowing who she is (yet). All of your attempts to get to know someone on line have not been wasted...sometimes it's in seeing what we don't want that helps show us what we DO want when that comes along. Meanwhile, we are all learning, and that's never bad!