Boo Mayhew Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 Mary Linda You have become so special to me, you are such a kind and gentle person that it seems too cruel that you have to go through this. I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you on November 8th on Tom's birthday. I hope the day isn't too tough for you and that you smile at memories in between your tears. Cuddle Shadow lots :-) Have you made plans to spend the day or evening with someone? Lots love Boo xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valley Posted November 7, 2009 Report Share Posted November 7, 2009 Mary Linda, Much love to you. Your Tom and my Tom.....we were lucky. Take care and know that you are loved. Valley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted November 7, 2009 Report Share Posted November 7, 2009 Thanks gals. My girls and their families are coming over for supper Sun. We are having Tom's favorite lasagna and I still haven't made up my mind if we'll have choc. pie or cheesecake because he liked both of those better than cake. the problem is we usually don't have room for dessert anyway so it will just depend on how much effort I want to put in to it. I'm just having a hard time again, not being able to give him a present. I always tried to make his b'day so special and I'm already upset because I can't give him a BIG party next year for his 65th. I'd even think about having a big party in memory of him but would feel obligated to invite his family and at this point anyway I don't want to do that. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kath Posted November 7, 2009 Report Share Posted November 7, 2009 Enjoy your girls and all the stories you'll have to share. I don't have to tell you not to fret the tears. Love you, Kath Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 7, 2009 Report Share Posted November 7, 2009 It means a lot to us to honour these special days, doesn't it? The evening sounds like it will be lovely. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 It was nice to have supper with family but it was also sad. It was like nobody but me realized why we were having this supper. I wanted to sing Happy Birthday and my one daughter said she couldn't so my other daughter and I basically whispered it when the room was empty. Why do I always have to do what every body else wants to? Why can't I grieve the way I want to? His family sticks their heads in the sand because then they don't have to acknowledge anything. Usually the daughter that sang with me doesn't want to talk because it makes her sad. The other daughter has supported me when I've had a "breakdown" when she is here sometimes. But really, nobody really wants to know how I feel except the people on here and I really need a good cry with someone putting their arms around me and nobody has really done that in 21 months. I don't know how I'm suppose to get over this if I can't express myself for fear of hurting someone else. My poor puppy thinks I am nuts tonight crying and screaming at everyone at the top of my voice when no one is here. Thanks for listening. P.S. 2 strange things did happen this weekend; my one sister in law suddenly asked me out for supper last night and another one emailed me to tell me she was thinking about me today. It's sad though because I am still reserving my feelings because of how they have treated me but maybe there is a break through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valley Posted November 10, 2009 Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 Mary Linda, You made it through the birthday. You honored Tom. I always wish I had a big family to share events, but mostly just life in general, but I don't. My son, unmarried, does pay attention to me, but he also has a big full life. Lucky for me he always gives me a big hug on coming and going. I wish I could sit down with you and listen to your stories, hold your hand, hug you and get to know you. It would be fine if you cried and I know, I would too. I met a friend yesterday for lunch and she wants me to get involved with a community group that she is working with and they need help and it is all the kinds of things that I can do. But as we talked, I told her that I was still wrapped in my grief and needed to feel what I feel. While I said this, tears came. She understands. Also thinks that one does not exclude the other. That involvement with community would be good for me and that I could really help out. At the same time, I know that I need to trust "where I am at now" and I do believe that I will know when I feel that new strength to move forward a bit. I know I am in very small ways already. I am not going to do anything that I do not want to do and if I need time to cry some more, then so be it. I don't feel guilty about it. This is my time to feel all the things I feel and be with Tom inside myself. For me I talk about Tom a lot. With my kids and with friends. If I have people over for dinner I usually at some point make a toast to Tom. And they get into it too. We do not dwell on it, but we raise a glass to him and acknowledge his GREATNESS. And then we are right back into whatever is going on with the conversation. For all I know I might do this the rest of my life because I am always carrying Tom in my heart and I feel no guilt at all about doing this. It makes me happy. Celebrate your Tom no matter what the others might think. I think that is wonderful that your sister in laws are reaching out to you. I would let them. See what happens. My sister in law died years ago and there is no one left in my immdiate family but my unmarried son, my daughter and her husband (5 hours away) and my mother (92 years old and a 10 hour drive away). Some cousins scattered all over america. So to me family is what counts. I moved to Canada with Tom when we first met and our children were born here. Our community became our new family. I have friends of 40 years who have gone through lifes ups and downs with us and so we all stick together like family. The one thing we all have new in common is age and the passing of our friends now. Like we are entering an age of loss and I suppose we are all trying to grapple with it. The year I lost my Tom, our community of friends lost 3 other wonderful "men". I am going on and on here and I didn't really mean to. I just want to say you are loved. And it is alright to cry for your Tom whenever the need stikes. It just happens. And it is fine. Here is my hug for you.......hope you can feel it. Valley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 10, 2009 Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 Oh, Mary Linda, if I were with you I would put my arm around you and let you cry for as long as you need to. Your loss is great and of course you need to continue to grieve. There is no "right" time frame. My loss is relatively new (7 weeks tomorrow) but I know that it is going to take me a really long time to walk this grief journey because our love was so great. Keep pouring out your feelings on this site. We will continue to listen and to offer our love and support. I extend my birthday wishes to your Tom and my prayers and thoughts to you. May you feel God's loving arms wrapped around you and may you continue to experience the love you shared with Tom deep in your heart and soul. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrm Posted November 10, 2009 Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 So sorry for your loss. We all know those "firsts" are going to be hard and sad. I wish we all could hug when we see someone needs it, so consider a hug from me. Do what feels right for you. Grieving is so very hard. This site is awesome. I joined after July 8th when I lost my Duke in our motorcycle accident. I was recovering from a broken tibia and back fractures. It meant a lot to me to feel the love and support the people on this site send. for we are all grieving and try to help each other. god bless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrspapajohn Posted November 10, 2009 Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 Mary Linda - - You have been such a great help to me since I lost Stephen. Your strength has given me strength and I so wish that I could be there for you to talk with, cry with, or whatever you want. Please know that you and Tom are in my thoughts and prayers. Kathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Thank you so much to all my friends on here. Now they are trying to tell me I am depressed, so I printed up the signs of depression for them and only one applied to me and as I told them I had done that particular thing my entire life. I told them it is not depression it is GRIEF and I wish people would learn the difference. They also said they wondered if the grief support was bringing me down. I said at times it makes me sad but it is the only place I feel I can be me. I know that I'll/we'll get through this. Just hold on every one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 It makes me so sad to learn that you are experiencing these insensitive comments. Grief is overwhelming and it takes a long, long time to heal. To say that grief support is interfering with your progress is dishonoring to your feelings and emotions. I applaud the fact that you are willing to reach out and share with others. It really does take a lot of courage to pour out your thoughts and feelings. But, the benefits abound as we are able to offer comfort to each other in a way that someone who has not experienced such a devastating loss can. Keep coming here. Keep sharing. We will listen, understand, and continue offer love and support. Hugs to you from afar. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeanneC Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Hi Mary Linda: Ever since I have been posting on here a 1 1/2 years ago you have been so special. You have always helped me through some bad times. I know what you are going through. People who have not gone through what we have and are going through just don't know. I wish I could be there with you and just give you a hug. My prayers are with you and Tom and your family. Love, prayers, kisses and hugs jeanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted November 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Mary Linda, I'm so sorry that you don't have the support that you deserve. I guess we all grieve differently and I remember my Dad always trying to be brave in front of me. That makes me feel ashamed now. I wish I had put my arms around him more now. For some reason I am so scared to cry in front of others ... if I do, like at work today, and because I was in pain (crick in neck) my boss told me she thought I should be at home, and I practically begged her, "please don't send me home, I can't do another day thinking and crying" and started crying ... but I rapidly control myself. The thought of someone holding me and me crying terrifies me. I only do this in front of my dogs but my counsellor tells me that I need to cry with other people too. I'm just not ready to do it. I don't know why even. I wish someone would do that for you though because you want to ... you deserve it. You deserve a lot of love ... you given us all love and patience and strength. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Mary Linda - yes, you have been a source of comfort and strength to me as well over the past year - I'm sorry that there are family members who simply don't get it. Depression and grief are two so different things, and it's hard for those who haven't been through it to accept it, or understand it. I'm sending you a cyber ((hug)), and although I know it's not the same as the real thing, the feelings behind it are. Hugs, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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