LarrysGirl Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 I would like first to say to our newer members please don't let what I write discourage you in your grieving. I'm not a good example of how to grieve sanely. Today is the fourth anniversary and I felt the need to write here tonight, as I have many nights over these past few years. When I first came to this site I had totally lost it and was full of rage, sadness and shock. I was completely and utterly lost. For me, it is still a difficult time and very hard to comprehend that this much time has passed. I miss him day and night and have tried to hold together the life we shared and in doing so I have mentally and physically worn myself down. I haven't been able to find my way or maybe its that I haven't wanted to begin a life without him. We were a team in a fight for his life and he died. I still struggle with maybe I could have done more to save him, etc. and have beaten myself up numerous times with guilt. We were absolutely soulmates and the best of friends. What is left of our lives and dreams has been shattered. I can say that the pain is not as extreme as it was the first few years but it is still pain nonetheless. This anniversary has been different, less tears but I feel defeated as if I haven't been able to keep the illusion of our life alive. Tomorrow would have been his 54th birthday. Tonite I went to the cemetary where it is peaceful and quiet and I stare still in disbelief. I love you Larry, always will, Happy Birthday Honey, Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WaltC Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 .... I'm not a good example of how to grieve sanely. ... maybe its that I haven't wanted to begin a life without him. I love you Larry, always will, Happy Birthday Honey, Deborah Dearest Deborah, I am thinking of you and Larry today and share many of your thoughts and emotions. I really don't know of any good example of how to grieve sanely. I know those quite visits to the cemetary help me, but my adult son tells me that Jean is not there. I know that he is 'right' but I do feel her presence and that helps just a little. Take care Deborah. I check these postings daily, but don't post myself because I can't help others if I can't help myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 My dear Deborah and Walt, Your experience teaches us that grief has no time frame, it is unique to each one of us, and we all must follow our own path through this wilderness. I hope you think of this as the place where you can feel safe being exactly where you are, without judgment or reproach, and know that you are always welcome here. You are being held in gentle thought and prayer . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Larry's Girl, I can only echo what Marty and Walt have said. I also think that Anniversaries are always painful. Whether they are wedding anniversaries, death anniversaries, birthdays or Thanksgiving. There is no timeframe, and we all grieve in different ways and on differing timescales ... because our loves, our losses and dreams are all unique. We are unique, and it is that unique you that Larry fell in love with. For you to face Larry's Birthday tomorrow AND the anniversary of the day that your whole world shifted on its axis today is EXTRAORDINARILY hard. I will light a candle this evening, for the love that is yours. Yours and Larry's. You may be cruelly separated physically, but I believe that soulmates can NEVER be separated, not really. It's hard for us to bear the pain, I know we all struggle each and every day, but I honestly, hand on heart believe, that my soul is still attached to his and nothing, nothing, nothing, could ever alter that fact. From reading your posts over the past 10 months, it sure sounds like your soul and Larry's are entwined too, and always shall be. I'm sorry, there are no words are there, not really ... but I'm thinking of you. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeanneC Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Dear Deborah I remember when I first joined I saw your posts. It is so nice to still see you do post. I am not one to give you any guidance, because it is only 1 1/2 years for me and I go through some bad times. You should not think about how you could have saved him. We all deal with the guilt. You must of been a wonderful couple together the way you speak of your husband. I will think and pray for you and your husband. Hugs and kisses. Jeanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucia Abeytia Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Dear Deborah, You have helped me alot by your post...i can't give you any good advice as it has only been 9months since I lost Ben, and each day is a struggle for me so i totally understand what you are going threw,our wedding annivarsary was Sat and I am still a basket case,Sat. was the worst and Sunday was a good day but i am still missing my life with him, i know i can't bring him back but i sure wish i could i pray that his birthday will be a peaceful time for you..I will lite a candle and say a rosary for you tonight...God Bless You Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted November 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Thank you to all of you for thinking of me and Larry and taking the time to respond. It does help knowing people care. WaltC, you and I have shared the same path for all of this time and I'm honored to have been part of your journey. You have held a special place in my heart from day one. I knew you understood my pain. I know I'm not much help to others new in their grief yet I have always posted my true feelings and pain just in case it would help someone else who was having a very hard time. I feel you are needed here as a testament to true love and a bond that will not be broken. I wish you some peace, Deborah. Marty, I know alot of my postings have not been pretty and I wanted you to know this site and the caring people, including "YOU" have saved me during my worst times. Without a doubt, my life would have ended years ago had I not had the support of this group. I thank you. Thank you to our newer members for letting me still have a place to share and heal. Happy Birthday Honey! Always in my heart! Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Deborah - I don't know that grieving is ever sane, in any way. You have always laid it on the line, and your posts, and thoughts always resonate with me. My heart is with you today - Hugs and peace, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted November 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Marsha, thanks for your kindness and support my eastcoast friend! Hope you are well, hugs to you, Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kath Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Dear Deborah, I do hope you were able to find some peace today and feel some glimmer of Larry's love come your way. You are a special person and I do look forward to reading your posts. You don't have to sugar coat anything here, we get it. What I find most amazing is that you have made it, for four whole years. Honestly, that must feel like forever. I'm sorry your pain is still so great. But please, don't stop posting because you feel you aren't able to help us. It is your endurance that makes this journey doable for me. (You too, Walt.) You loved and then they are gone, much too soon. You can't aplogize for loving too much can you? Then there is no apology for missing that love either. Is he still finding things for you? Remember how we called on him to help find my keys? Nothing insane about that! Just confidence that they are near and can hear us call out to them. You taught me that. Kath Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted November 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Hi Kath, thanks for your kind words, you know I don't want to overstay my welcome here... some will probably say "get on with it already" but my heart doesn't work that way. I can feel his presence all the time and thank goodness he still makes me smile. Yesterday, his birthday, was hard. I was thinking of all the fun birthday's we had and how I loved to surprise him and I can see the sparkle in his eyes and the smile on his face. Its just that I miss him so! Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 I cannot imagine anyone "overstaying" their welcome on this forum. From everything I have heard here, that is not what anyone participating is about. What I find so comforting about this place is that no matter when or what time of day or night, there is always someone around to listen and help out. What a beautiful and strong love you and Larry have - I say have because I will try to remember that the love Scott and I have for each other will always be, as it is undoubtedly for you and Larry. Sometimes I think of him as my guardian angel (as our daughter gets older, I imagine a few lightning bolts from above will make their way to would-be boyfriends ). Take care, Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 Hi Korina, Very well put about the lightning bolts...You are right, this forum is where we are all welcome to share anything on our hearts and we can stay as long as we want...Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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