The Words Came Out Of My Mouth...

[kath]

These past few weeks have been very enlightening for me. I think it started from reading "The Shack" and continued when I changed study groups from my church. I started to realize that what I needed and have never really had, were relationships with my girlfriends. For a while I thought I had to have a man to fill the loneliness, but I've been realizing more and more that I wouldn't be happy with anyone other than my Bob.

For years, 27.5 to be exact (plus another 2.5 on this grief journey), I devoted my entire self to Bob and my children. I wasn't allowed to take time from that to grow close friendships with others. It's sort of sad, because those are the ties that make us confident, assured women. The joy in caring about other people without the need for a physical relationship is one of God's greatest gifts. So, this is a different beginning. It is the knowledge that I need women friends in my life and making a conscious effort to devote time to just that. I started tonight by inviting myself to a friend's house for a chat. I knew she would have the teapot on and we enjoyed talking about our families, our spirits and our craziness.

As I left, I told her that this is what I have been needing more than anything and I planned on doing more of it. Then I said, "And I am looking forward to it." Those words, have not come across my heart since Bob died. It even sounded strange to hear me say it, and I sort of caught myself, but you know, it is true. I am looking forward to this next phase. It's time.

[Boo Mayhew]

Kath, that was wonderful to read. Especially that the words "came across your heart" rather than just out of your mouth. It stuns me that people think you cannot be happy without a man in your life. The fact is that we were very happy with our husbands but they are no longer here .... but that doesn't mean that we need to seek replacements. They were special. How CAN they be replaced? They cannot.

Many friends I know have rich fulfilled lives and are single. Why can't we be like that? Well the answer is - we CAN!

You have made my day xx

[LindaKoz]

I find my relationships with my girlfriends give me the suport and love that I need to walk through this grief journey. Last night I spent time with three girlfriends. Two of them lost their husbands in the past three years. We had a glass of wine and a lot of conversation. I was there until 1:00 in the morning. I don't know what the future holds for me and right now I can't even look too far ahead. I loved Brian with all of my heart and soul and he's not replaceable. My loss is still early (almost two months) but I do know that some day I will be better. I will always miss him but I will my girlfriends will hold me up until I can stand on my own. For this I am thankful and blessed.

Thanks for sharing, Kath and Boo. Some days are much darker than others but when I come here and read your wise words I'm able to find strength to move a few steps ahead with the knowledge that I will continue to grow stronger.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[kayc]

Kath, good for you! Friends are wonderful to have! In the years since George died, it is friendships that have sustained me, and even though I don't have an abundance of friends (I need to work on that), they are so special...just someone you can stop in for a cup of coffee and chat about your day, someone to call for lunch and catch up, someone to share your hobby with, someone to take a walk with or a trip to the coast with, someone to have over for dinner or a "pajama party" (my girlfriend and I tried that but we fell asleep on the movie three times, finally gave up and went to bed!...ahh, we're getting older!). Recently I went to the coast with 32 ladies and gave manicures and pledicures, played scrabble, watched it storm, shopped, ate, talked, laughed, it was great!

[kath]

Okay, I feel a little foolish after my realization that I need more time with female friends. I can't find any. I literally have talked two times on the phone to friends since posting this.

Today, Bob's birthday, is always the thing that sets me back further than any other holiday. I don't know why. I guess I don't really plan for it, or prepare myself. He hated birthdays. He didn't even like me getting him a card. Maybe it's the way I would always tease him that he would always be older than me. Now I'm catching up and will someday surpass his 56 years on this earth. Maybe the fact that he isn't here is so very obvious on this day and when you add the horrible events of today and him not being here to talk to and share the backlash, I miss him more. We celebrated his life with a cake, the kids and I. It wasn't enough. What I really need is for him to put his strong arms around me and say, "Don't quit. Tomorrow will be better."

[mlg]

Yes, girlfriends are wonderful. That is why I first started going to grief support. I hoped to find some "friends" who would understand what I was going through. There are 6 of us who still do things together and we have added a few more along the way. The only thing that bothers me is the "widows club" appearance. I wish others would join us because we do have fun when we are together.

Kath, you have always seemed like a very nice person and I'm sure others will come your way.

[jrm]

Kath, This is so very true. I devoted my life to Duke. He was and will remain my best friend. However, I have two friends I worked with now 10 years since the hospital closed. I swear they have ESP for when I am the bluest, somehow one of them will call or just stop by. Last night we made our famous homemade pizza and watched "The Proposal" with Sandra Bullock. We laughed and enjoyed each other's company from 2 to 7 pm. I thought I forsaked my other friends all these years just to be with Duke, but no they have been rock solid support for the past 6 months. Only difference is I find now I put the call in to them, and this shows I care about how they are doing. We have a lot of catching up to do, but even a phone visit fills the void.

[kayc]

Kath,

I have gotten together with female friends only ONCE in the last few months, so don't feel bad! I would love to more often, but somehow it's so hard to swing everything with job, commute, pets, household chores, family, etc.

Keep trying to fit in some social outlets...I have church, but not a lot else. Jim and I hang out together on the weekends, that helps. I know you have kids still at home and that takes up time...maybe if there's any group activities they have you could chaperon at you could meet some others and still be with your kids?