steely Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 My husband passed six weeks ago today. Sundays are so hard on me. I'm usually alone and it hurts so much to think of him being gone. He was always here on sundays, he was always here with me. I come here and read your stories and want to post but I can never think of the words. I can't think of the words to tell people how I feel, it hurts so badly I become speechless in the enormity of what's happened. I am reading though and sometimes it just overwhelms me. I have no idea how to do this. Thank you for listening. Be Well, Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Amy - there's no manual for this. All we can do is feel what we feel, and maybe try to express it in some way - writing, posting, talking. As I have gotten advice from those further on, I'll pass on what I know to you. In the beginning, it's all you can do to make it through the next hour, but that's all you need to do. It's not a bad way to live life, just being in the moment, but it's crucial when you're feeling so overwhelmed with loss. My heart goes out to you - please try to be gentle on yourself; we're here for support. Hugs, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeeGee Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Hello Steely, I must introduce myself to you because I was off the board for a while durin a trip to stay with my sister. I live in Pennsylvania and had to look and see where you were from when I saw your name. Thought you might have been from this area because of the Pittsburgh Steelers - hah, hah! On November 29th it will be three months since my husband died. He was sick for 14 months with kidney cancer. I was his caregiver and he died at home. We were there by ourselves when he passed. Yes, it is very, very lonely. Sometimes I call a friend, but lately I have just been trying to work my way through it - by reading, starting a household project, watching a movie. Because I think my friends and relatives are getting sick of hearing about my grief. What has happened to me for about a month now is that if I mention how much I miss my husband, the response I get is either no response at all or "well, you need to find something to do with your time". Well, steely, enough about me. I have not had the opportunity to read your story, so if you want to, I would like to hear it. DeeGee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Hi Amy, I understand that Sundays are had . . . for me it's Wednesdays because that is the day that Brian passed away. I'm sending you prayers and hugs. Your words are fine, my friend. I can hear and feel your pain. It's new, it's fresh, and it's deep. I don't think any of us really understand how to walk this grief journey but I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. We are listening and sending you our love. I'm only at 8 weeks so I don't have any super advice to give to you. It's hard. I cry a lot. I want him back. But today at church I really felt Brian's presence and I hope this means that I am starting to connect with him spiritually. I have no illusions that all of a sudden the pain will lift. I think there will be some pain for the rest of my life. I just hope that as I feel his presence I will also feel his strength and his love. Maybe that will be enough to sustain me as I try to live without him. It's trial and error. I trust that God will show me the way - will show us all the way. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. B Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Hi, My heart goes out to you. I do know how you are feeling. Its been 9 months since Rick passed and Sundays as well as the nights are the hardest. We always had our sunday car rides. We would grab a Timmy coffees and away we went. Not far, down to the Lake and around to the bay and through the bush but it was always relaxing. I have a picture that i took a week before he died on our last ride and in is in the bush showing the road and trees coved in snow. I had it enlarged and it is on my wall. I miss those car rides. I have kept myself so busy that i may eventually crash from exhaustion. I know you are suppposed to keep care of yourself. All the things im doing were on his todo list. Today my dad helped me refinish my kitchen floor. No more slivers. It may not be the way Rick would of done it , and not perfect but it will be done. I hope you have friends to talk to. I have wonderful ones. One night a week we have girls night and cook at each others home. We were good friends before I met Rick and it is like we are back where we left off. We Laugh at the times we had together and it takes my mind away for a bit from thinking about not having him in my life any more. I can feel the crash coming though. I still cry and thats ok im told by my friend who has lost her husband a year ago because it is still not that long. I guess there is no time limit for how long you are allowed to feel sad. When I not busy that is when i think to much about him not being here. You are allowed to feel sad and cry. I have kept in it. I know thats not good. I go to grief counciling. It is a good think. I didnt go at first cause I didnt think i needed it but i did. Denial is one of the emotions. You take care and i will be thinking of you. Mrs.B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steely Posted November 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Thank you all ladies, I know you are further along this path than I am. I go to grief counseling as well, Monday nights. I do pretty well during the week but when the weekends come, it comes like a ton of bricks. I feel crushed and even trying to breathe hurts. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, my family and friends get this glazed look in their eyes. I know no one wants to dwell on sadness and pain but it's not going away anytime soon. He was my life and now he's gone.No one knows how that feels, they have never lost anyone, especially a spouse. I'm just trying to make it through the day and that is a challenge most days. I miss him so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Dear Amy, or Steely which one do you like? Sundays are hard for me too...we used to be together every Sunday also...I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time...but, as you can see, we all are having a hard time...I spoke with my mom today and told her how much my life has changed and that I can't do anything about it....she said "you can change it, it is up to you"...she doesn't get it...I mean "MOM I want Bob back and you want Harold back, and Ted wants Adrianne back, and Linda wants Brian back and so on and so on with everybody else on this site...I'm so glad that we all understand one another on this site....Be good and sweet to yourself...Bless you Dear Steely....Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 I'm so sorry to hear that your friends and family don't want to sit and listen to your sadness. I'm listening. I understand. Do you have any friends who have lost their spouses? Is there a support group in your area specifically for those who have lost their significant others? I have several friends from church who are widows and they are really reaching out to me. It doesn't make my sadness go away but it helps me to know that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are "normal" (for lack of a better word). I know that crushed can't breathe feeling so well. One thing I've learned very recently (within the past two weeks) is that when I am suddenly overwhelmed by emotions and feel I can't go on, I cry or yell and eventually the feeling does subside. It doesn't go away totally but I get glimpses of peace. I remember when Brian first past away I thought I would not make it through. So, take some deep breaths, be gentle on yourself, and take those baby steps. Remember I'm listening and I understand. You are being lifted up in my thoughts and my prayers. Hugs from Pa. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David'sGirlStill Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Oh Amy I'm so sorry you are on this journey. Monday will be 9 months since my husband, my life passed over. I can so relate to the not being able to breathe. Not that I'm doing so good, but I have found that at times like that I just let the grief win and I cry, scream, throw pillows. It really does seem to help for a minute anyway. We are here for you. We are on this roller coaster together. Hugs, Phyllis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steely Posted November 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Amy or steely works, I answer to both. I'm sorry your Mother said that, they really don't get it. That is the frustrating part. I just get so tired of trying to explain. It's hard when no one in your family or circle of friends has ever lost anyone. I mean a spouse, it seems much harder when you've lost your partner and best friend. It may not be and hopefully I won't have to go through losing a parent or sibling. It was a close call on friday, my father had bypass surgery. He came through it well and is fine but all I could think was I'm going to lose my father. I'm trying to be good to myself. I have good days and bad. Sundays are very bad. I guess it's just going to be the way I feel, until it passes. Thank you, I appreciate you telling me. It helps to hear from someone who knows and is traveling this path, as well. Be Well, Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steely Posted November 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Linda, as always you are so helpful. Thank you so much. I'm 41 years old and my friends husbands are around this age. My husband was 25 years older than myself. The ladies in grief are much older than I am, they have been married to their husbands for 40+ years. They also had anticipatory grief, I did not have that. Harold's death was so sudden it was just like, I was talking to him and an hour later he was dead. They don't understand that and I'm glad they don't. I hate that they have to feel this way. They're devastated. I know that this is going to be the way it is, sometimes I just get that frantic, panic attack feeling. He's gone, he's gone, he's gone, over and over in my head. I don't know any of the answers and so many questions. Thank you for sharing with me. I know how hard it is for you. Thank you.. Be Well, Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steely Posted November 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Thank you Phyllis, it does help to know I'm not alone. I appreciate everyone here because I know you will all be here at some point and I won't be alone. Be Well, Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
derby Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Amy, My husband died October 10th so it was 6 weeks for me Saturday. Saturdays are the worst for me becuase that was our night together. Our time. And then that was the day of the week he died, so its stings even more so. The posters on this forum have been such a comfort for me, and this feels safe, a place of understanding and caring. Hugs and Blessings. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kat2005 Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Amy, I'm so glad your dad did well. I also have a hard time on Sundays. Pat and I always seemed to be doing things around the house. We were a team. I really have lost interest in alot of things since he is gone. Now that it is 5 months(tomorrow) my weekends seem like they are getting harder. In the beginning family and friends seemed to be around alot more. They always tried to make sure that I was not by myself. Now my weekends are so lonely since they do not come around as much. I guess they think I should be doing better by now. I know that I have to accept that this is the way things are now but I can't stop thinking of the old times and wanting them back. I just miss him so much it hurts. Take care, Kat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryo Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Hi Amy, It is 11 PM my time and Sunday is almost over.I want to wish you a better day tomorrow. When I am feeling down and I need something to put a smile on my face I watch Two and a half Men. It might sound like a silly thing to do but they make me laugh and it helps me get through the day. Take care. Mary Lou Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Yup, succumbing to the wracking sobs sometimes is the only thing that helps. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steely Posted November 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Thank you Debbie, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I know how hard it is because it hasn't been that long for me, either. I do feel this is a wonderful place and the people are so kind and caring. It is a soft place to fall. I appreciate being here so much. Be Well, Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steely Posted November 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Kat, I identify with this as well, I have lost interest in everything. I can't do the things we used to do because it is agony. I can't do anything new because I have no interest. It is terrible to try to navigate these waters. I know the loss of people, as well. It's only been 6 weeks, it's still fresh. I think maybe they can't bear to see me so unhappy. It may remind them of losses they might have to deal with one day. I don't really know. Everyone's life has continued but mine. It's so hard sometimes, most of the time. Thank you for sharing with me. Be Well, Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steely Posted November 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Mary Lou, Thank you for your well wishes, I am holding steady today. I have a hard time watching tv programs because they remind me of him. He had back issues and was not really active, we watched a lot of tv together. It makes me sad now and I can't bear it at times. Seems like everything is a reminder of what I have lost... Be Well, Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steely Posted November 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Thanks Korina, sometimes even the wracking sobs don't help. I just feel worn out and still alone. He would always come to me if I was upset or crying. He never wanted me to be unhappy. He was always supportive to me. I miss him so much. Be Well, Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Hi Amy, I understand. I've said the only person who would really be able to comfort me through this loss is Brian himself. He was a big guy (6'4") and I really need a hug from him right now. I miss him, too. I have no words to erase you pain. But, I'll listen and I'll understand. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steely Posted November 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2009 Thank you Linda, It helps to know that you understand. He was my greatest comfort. Be Well, Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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