Why Can't They Just Let Us Cry?

[DeeGee]

It is going to be 3 months on the 29th of this month. First of all, I cannot believe my husband has been dead for three months!

Secondly, do people - and I mean even loving and caring friends and family members - actually think that anyone is going to be "over" the loss of their spouse and "moving on" after THREE MONTHS?

Gosh! I am just now coming to the point of really realizing that he is gone and is not coming back. And yet I see friends and family members getting upset if I start to cry. So I think this is where the "let's just not talk about him" comes from. Because I see it happening. My own mother - certainly not the most sensitive woman on the face of the earth - when I said to her recently "I really miss him so much" said --- NOTHING. She could have said "Yes, I know how that feels. I still miss your father" or something like that. But NOTHING.

And when I was out visiting my sister and her daughter. If I would start to cry when talking about John, the subject would get changed immediately.

Now, I am not talking about I am sitting there sobbing uncontrollably. I am just talking some tears running down my cheeks. And all I really need is a couple of tissues and maybe a pat on the back.

Since almost everyone goes through it eventually, why does it seem to be so distressing to others to see someone manifesting their grief? Is it because they are already "over it" and think we should be too?

And again, these are not all insensitive people. These are often people who care a lot about me. I just don't understand it.

[Korina]

Hi, Dee Gee:

I would wager that these folks simply don't know what to say or do. And truthfully, unless they have been through it, it is hard to know. They probably just want you to feel better, and that "moving on" will do that. It's not so, is it? And likely tears make them uncomfortable. When I talk about Scott, and feel the grief in my eyes (even if there aren't tears), I see sometimes see "the look" in other people's eyes - where they want to say or do the right thing, but they just don't know how. Whatever the reaction is, unless the person is a complete jerk, I just accept it, knowing that I do have people to whom I can talk to or cry in front of, and it is okay. I hope you have someone like that. If not, you always have us! I have also heard the suggestion here that you might try and let people (whom you trust) know zzawhat it is that you need from them. Marty also recently posted links to articles that can be printed out and perhaps referred to some of these people, if appropriate (sorry, I don't have those on hand).

Take care,

Korina

Edited November 23, 2009 by MartyT
Link inserted

[mlg]

It's funny that you posted this because my oldest daughter and I had an argument recently on Tom's b'day because we had a b'day supper and I didn't feel he was honored. For some reason my girls think I want like a mini funeral when we get together for something like this and they don't want to be sad. I told them all I want is for someone to talk about him once in a while and let me talk. But they said it makes your voice crack or you cry and we talk about him at home. I said EXACTLY. Everybody else gets to talk about him and express their feeling but me. In almost 2 years I've always let everybody else have their way. When do I get to have mine? Like I told them if people would let us talk and cry when we need to maybe we'd all get "better" a lot quicker but we almost all have to keep our feelings all bottled up for fear of making someone else sad. Sometimes all I want is for someone to hug me and tell me they understand (don't think it's going to happen)

[Boo Mayhew]

I think it scares them too. (as if grief or death is contagious - ha)

Yes, and also they are scared of saying the wrong thing, or they are scared of crying in front of you. I think it makes people feel uncomfortable because they know they can't take away the pain, they feel helpless.

My counsellor has told me that I need to cry with someone else. I can't. Not yet. I cry everyday, but when I am at home, sometimes in my car, not at work, not with friends or family. Only ever with my dogs. My grief was public at first (no option - no control!) then private and still is. I prefer it that way. The thought of letting go and being held is appealing actually ... but I'm to scared to do it. Not yet!

[jrm]

I think you are right Boo about in the beginning crying in public. It seemed it was okay and understood by everyone. Now it's been 4 1/2 months and most of my crying is in private. I mean really sobbing heartwrenching sobs. I want so much to lean on someone and just cry but I can't anymore. I have two great friends who have lost their wives and early on they were such a comfort to me cause I know they had been through this already. Now I feel I can't cry on their shoulders for comfort...it's not right. I just want my Duke back and I can't stop thinking that.

[David'sGirlStill]

I agree with all of you. People so feel uncomfortable and they worry. Sometimes they say "dumb" things. I use to get angry, now I just shrug it off and realize they are doing the best with the expierence they have. The say nothing along with the "Look" gets to me the most. At 9 months, I still break down in public, but now I could care less. If I can't cry now, when I've lost part of my soul, when can I? I so understand wanting to cry with someone who gets it, I truly believe if you haven't been down the road, you can't imagine the pain. I for one, knew if he went first I would be crushed. But I had no earthly idea it would hurt this bad.

I just wish we all lived close, so we could physcial lean on each other.

Hugs to all

Phyllis

[Kavish]

HI Mary Linda,

Thanks for the idea of the mini funeral whenever I meet up with Diana's and my friends. I would love to talk of her to everybody because she is a good soul and it would be soothing to my spirits.

regards,

Kavish

[DeeGee]

Yesterday I forced myself to go to a Christmas luncheon at the place where I used to work. Had received an email invitation from my former boss, urging me to attend. I wrote back and said "Yes, I will come. But if you could do me a favor. I am still pretty raw, and if at all possible, could you ask folks not to express condolences to me at the party? I would be a whole lot more comfortable and so will they if they will just say "Hi" to me."

So I got there and people were great and said "Hi, how are you?" and then for whatever reason I started to tear up, so I quickly went to my boss's office (right down the hall, door was open) and I was using a tissue to wipe tears from my cheeks when she came into the office, looked at me and said "Oh, no! Not already!!"

Now, I'm sure she didn't mean to be cruel - but that comment was NOT very sensitive. And I would have said this woman is a sensitive person.

So I don't know what's up with people.

[Korina]

Dee Gee:

It must have made you feel awful to hear her say that. I am sure it is little consolation, but I think all we can do is try not to waste our energy on such insensitivity. I do hope that others were happy to see you.

Take care,

Korina

[DeeGee]

Oh, it isn't that she wasn't happy to see me. She was. It's just that people just don't seem to get it. That all the sadness associated with the loss of a long term relationship, let alone the loss of your best friend, is not going to be "over with" in 3 or 4 months. Or maybe not even in 23 or 24 months.

I'm just tired of people, ya know?

[David'sGirlStill]

Oh I so understand. Like all of us this is a rough month. My mom called and asked what was wrong, did I have a cold? I said no, I just really miss David, She replied, well there is nothing you can do about it. AND changed the subject. I wanted to scream. I have to believe they don't mean to be insenitive, but it's hard enough already and just reinforcesver be the sam I've lost my best friend and I will never be the same.

Hugs

Phyllis

[Boo Mayhew]

DeeGee - I just found these words on a friend's blog and had to share them with you:

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." - Washington Irving

[mlg]

And apparently we can talk ourselves blue in the face and it still doesn't help. People (including family) just don't get grief sometimes. Within the last month I had a conversation with my daughters about the fact that I knew they were upset about losing their dad and I understood Tom's siblings lost a brother but I really don't feel people understand that I lost a husband. We talked about how they talk to their spouse and kids but I have no one to listen but Shadow and he didn't even know Tom. I told them I wish they'd talk to me when they were sad so we could comfort each other. I thought I had gotten through to them because in the last 3 days I've had to read on face book how sad they have been. I am so hurt, frustrated and even angry and I can't quit crying. Believe me nobody better tell me to quit or they are liable to meet my wrath because right now I'm pretty tired of everybody. I know this too will pass and we will all make it like hundreds before us.

Thanks for letting me rant.

[DeeGee]

"My mom called and asked what was wrong, did I have a cold? I said no, I just really miss David, She replied, well there is nothing you can do about it. AND changed the subject. I wanted to scream."

Your mother reminds me a lot of my mother. Need I say, sensitivity has never been one of my mother's strong points?

Thank you for the quote, boo. That is really nice.

mlg: Sorry you are feeling sad. Me too.

DeeGee

[kath]

I was down last night after spending the day with Bob's family. After all, they are all still happily married and joking away the same as always. My dad called to thank me for his gift I gave him the night before. He asked how I was, I said I was missing Bob and he said, "Well, I just called to say thanks. Bye."

At two and half years, there are moments that not only feel very fresh, but remind me that I have to do this on my own. It is for that reason I put my faith in God, and not in man. There has never been a time where He hung up on me in my time of need.

[Sharon3]

I was down last night after spending the day with Bob's family. After all, they are all still happily married and joking away the same as always. My dad called to thank me for his gift I gave him the night before. He asked how I was, I said I was missing Bob and he said, "Well, I just called to say thanks. Bye."

At two and half years, there are moments that not only feel very fresh, but remind me that I have to do this on my own. It is for that reason I put my faith in God, and not in man. There has never been a time where He hung up on me in my time of need.

I know how you all feel....about 3 weeks before Xmas I was having a really bad day and I went to Home Sense to distract me. As soon as I walked into the store I bumped into my sister amidst all the Xmas decorations. I told her through tears that I was having a bad day and she said "well you might as well resign yourself right now it is going to be a difficult day." They don't get that not only is the day difficult but the path to it, the triggers everywhere. I spend a lot of time with her and she just doesn;t get what I need.

[JohnG]

Hi DeeGee:

I'm sorry for what you're going through, especially today.I also find that sometimes my thoughts are nothing but disbelief that this person who was always there is dead.It can leave you catatonic sometimes.

I wonder the same thing. Do they think I'm EVER going to be over this?! Much less a few months later.

I get the sense that people would rather me not talk about Krystal. It seems to make them uncomfortable, and the display of tears completely shuts most of them down. They can't get away or change the conversation quickly enough. The thing is a touch would go a long way in easing my pain and helping to staunch the tears. The "they don't know what to say" answer elicits the reply "they don't have to say anything, just a touch of the hand would help".I cry alone most of the time because I find I'm apologizing if I weep around others.

I don't understand either why people don't get it. The crying helps. A little acknowledgement of the continuing grief from others is very healing.

Take care, Peace and Love,

John

[tracy poulos]

It is going to be 3 months on the 29th of this month. First of all, I cannot believe my husband has been dead for three months!

Secondly, do people - and I mean even loving and caring friends and family members - actually think that anyone is going to be "over" the loss of their spouse and "moving on" after THREE MONTHS?

Gosh! I am just now coming to the point of really realizing that he is gone and is not coming back. And yet I see friends and family members getting upset if I start to cry. So I think this is where the "let's just not talk about him" comes from. Because I see it happening. My own mother - certainly not the most sensitive woman on the face of the earth - when I said to her recently "I really miss him so much" said --- NOTHING. She could have said "Yes, I know how that feels. I still miss your father" or something like that. But NOTHING.

And when I was out visiting my sister and her daughter. If I would start to cry when talking about John, the subject would get changed immediately.

Now, I am not talking about I am sitting there sobbing uncontrollably. I am just talking some tears running down my cheeks. And all I really need is a couple of tissues and maybe a pat on the back.

Since almost everyone goes through it eventually, why does it seem to be so distressing to others to see someone manifesting their grief? Is it because they are already "over it" and think we should be too?

And again, these are not all insensitive people. These are often people who care a lot about me. I just don't understand it.

[tracy poulos]

I AM SO SORRY, I MUST SAY MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS DO UNDERSTAND AND ALLOW ME TO CRY, I'M THAT ONE THAT SAYS I'M TIRED OF CRYING AND EVERYONE SAYS IT'S OKAY AND WHAT I NEED TO BE DOING. ME TOO 3 MONTHS...SEPT 25TH

AND I AGREE, I WAS SO BUSY PLANNING, FUNERAL, GETTING FINANCES IN ORDER, AND EVERY OTHER MISC THING WE MUST DO THAT NOW REALITY IS SETTING IN HE'S NOT COMING BACK, AND IT ISN'T GETTING EASIER.. I AM ONLY 47 WITH

MY CHILDREN BEING MY 4 SHIH TZU'S , THANK GOD FOR MY COMPANIONS OR I THINK I WOULD BE SO MUCH WORSE...I HOPE YOU CAN GET AROUND PEOPLE THAT ALLOW YOU TO SHOW YOUR EMOTIONS AND SUPPORT YOU,

GOD BLESS

[jrm]

Sometimes it's the telephone caller or sometimes it's who walks through the door, but I tell them "Gee God must have sent you now cause I'm needing someone right at this moment, and you've called or come to the door" Never have a felt anyone of them uncomfortable. They listen, or hug or somehow make me feel better. I do have to apologize cause sometimes I'm really uncontrollably crying. It's been 5 months and I know I'm moving forward a baby step at a time, but that's what Duke would want me to do. Every few weeks I get a call from his best childhood friend and he reminds me that is what Duke would want you to do. He doesn't seem to want to visit with me (it's too emotional for him), but I know he will continue to call. There is sacredness in tears....They are messangers of our overwhelming grief

[LindaG]

I sincerely think our friends and relatives are worried about us coming thru the grief in one piece. They see glimpses of the old us and hope we are on our way and then the holidays or a memory will bring us to tears. Everyone in my family at Christmas told me how great I looked compared to the last time they saw me (funeral). I don't think it is intentionally a lack of concern or respect for our feelings - I just think they don't know what to say. It is horrific to lose your husband in your 40's after ten years of marriage. What words could anyone offer - but I'm glad you're looking a little better? They want us to be ok because they don't know how to fix us.

I had spent most of my adult life as a corporate meeting planner so for the first two months after Joe died- I planned my grief. I did my work in the morning and ran errands and then made sure I was home by 3pm to cry and remember Joe. To some extent - I still do this. I have to manage it or I will be in the supermarket or home depot and loose it. I can't control the grief and to a large extent it controls me.

I guess you have to find a way to convey to the people that are with you all the time that this will take alot of time and you need them to understand. I have had to tell my parents several times that I am in serious pain and may never come back to be what they've known in the past. I would say be honest and direct with what you need right now.

- Linda G

[kath]

When I had my son in the clinic because we thought he broke his finger on the 24th (what holiday would be complete without a trip to the emergency room?) they took him to x-ray just across the hall. I could hear the tech ask him what he had got his mom and dad for Christmas. He told her "candy" and she asked which one of us liked candy. He replied, "They both do." My sister came over that afternoon and I told her what had happened. I wondered if he was in denial. She said that it may be he is just choosing who to share the important things with. I haven't done that to any great degree. (More so in the beginning.) Now, I pretty much tell people and let them deal with their own discomfort. I think it would be less disappointing to go my son's route.

[Sharon3]

within a week after my husband's death I got my hair cut by a relatively new hairdresser..she asked me how our holiday had been, I said fine. I was protecting my own feelings...I didn't want to tell her that he passed away while on that vacation. Now I don't care who sees me cry but in the beginning when it is so so raw we go into self protective mode and while not knowing your son, I saw my own son in self preservation mode. I think it normal for our sons to think they have to be strong for their mothers. ...that has since changed to some degree.