Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

My Own Grief


Recommended Posts

My mother died only 12 days ago. It's still so fresh and unreal to me, yet people are already expecting me to 'return to normal.' It's interesting how people ask, "How are you?" with the hope you will answer, "I'm good". People don't want to hear another answer. You can see it in their faces, hear it in their voices, they want you to be ok so they can return to their happy lives. It's as if my grief might ruin their day. My mother died unexpectedly two days after Thanksgiving. My fiance and I were at my parent's home for the weekend and I heard my mom throwing up. I got out of bed to see if she was fine and she said that dinner had upset her stomach. I returned to bed. A few hours later, I heard her open the bedroom door and tell my father she needed to go to the hospital. We called 911. They took over 15 minutes to get to our house. My mother was spitting up blood and unable to breathe at this point. In less than 10 hours she had died. There was no real diagnosis, but we were left with the idea that her diabetes is what was to blame for her body shutting down. My last memories of my mother are of her wheezing for air as two bumbling idiots tried to work an oxygen tank and then later sponging off her lips because she was on a ventilator and wanted a drink of water. I miss her. I miss her so much it physically hurts. My chest feels tight, my head feels dizzy, I can't remember something said to me two minutes ago. This is pain. The worst part of this entire experience is that my mom died three weeks before my wedding. I am getting married in 9 days. My dad insists we go on with the wedding. Of course I want to be married, but I do not want to have a party. People keep telling me it will be the best day of my life and I will have so much fun. These are the same people who hope for the answer, "I'm good." I'm not good. I don't want a party. I want my mom back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry that you lost your beloved mother. I'm sending hugs and prayers your way. Of course you are not good. This is a huge loss and it's fresh and raw. You need time to grieve and grieving is hard work. I'm sure you feel exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally . . . that's what grief does to us. I wish I could take away your pain. You've found a place where we all understand your pain. We understand that you aren't good and you aren't okay. You are missing your dear mother and longing to have her back with you. I understand that you don't want a party. How could you want to celebrate so soon after this loss? You have to follow your heart and do what is best for you. In this time of grief you will encounter people who don't get it, who don't understand. Please try to ignore those people and be very gentle with yourself. Come here when you need to vent. We will listen, we will understand. Please know that you are being lifted up in prayers.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh I am terribly sorry for your loss! I feel your pain; I too lost a parent about three weeks ago. It is beyond words, the pain, the hurt and anguish. Noting makes sense! one minitue you are ok, and the next miniute you break down.

I know people ask how you are doing, but don't really want hear the answer, they just want hear , "I am doing fine" which is not true. it is annoying!

Hang in there, May God gives us all strength in this horrable time!

hana

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My heart goes out to you on the loss of your Mother. I too lost my Mother this year. It has taken me 9 months to not cry every day. Everyone heals at their own pace and even when i think I am past the point of crying - I'll have a bad day and loose it all over again. Just after my Mom died, I was SO ANGRY that people would try and distract me or not talk about her (thinking talking about her would upset me). It was jsut the opposite - not talking about her is what upset me!!! When you go from having one of the most important people in your life every day, to them not being there at all is devastating!!! Like someone else posted - follow your heart with regards to your wedding. It is YOUR day and you want it to be special. Know that your Mom is in your heart and will be with you on your special day - whether it is in 9 days or not. Best of luck to you!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear One,

You are SO not alone in feeling as you do, and of course you're not "all right." You may appreciate seeing and hearing Maria Shriver describe how she feels following the death of her mother, Eunice Kennedy Shriver: "Every moment of every day I can feel my broken heart." Learn more about her presentation at the California Women's Conference here: On Grief, Healing and Resilience.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I too lost my mother on March 20th of this year and it truly does hurt. You surely need time to grieve and mourn for your beloved mother. I am sure you loved her very much. Just be aware that everything you are feeling is normal and you need to go through it in order to heal,but,you also need to take a short break and distract yourself from your pain and sorrow.

Your father may be right for you to go on with your wedding. This is something you should really think about and discuss with your fiance'. Possibly you can shorten the reception and/or modify it somewhat, so that it would make it more comfortable and acceptable to you.

You may consider seeing a grief counselor. A grief counselor can help you too and advise you. This website is very good. The people on this website are very caring and comforting and will also help you in some way. Just reading about the many experiences we have all been through really helps us all realize that we are not alone. There are no easy answers or quick fixes. Just remember that it does take time and it does get better.

As far as people asking how you are, I agree that alot of people do not get it, they just don't seem to understand what it feels like to lose a loved one or how it feels to be grieving,especially,that it has not been that long since you lost your loved one.

Some people,unfortunately,may have not experienced the loss of a loved one or maybe just do not want to deal with it and they may mean well by constantly asking you how you are.

I would say that you are doing the best you can do and if you are not feeling better, tell them the truth.

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you find the strength to get through this journey. Try to see a grief counselor and until you do, go to the library and read some books on grief. They were a big help to me and I have been seeing a grief counselor for the last 9 months also. It all helps.

Be well.

Take care.

James

Edited by MartyT
Link to Grief Bibliography added
Link to comment
Share on other sites

James-thank you for your kind words. I have gone to the library and checked out several books. I called my church to inquire about grief counseling. They group they sent me to does not work with those who have lost parents...so frustrating. I can meet with our Deacon anytime I would like, but I was really looking for a support group. When the wedding is over, I plan on finding a therapist for myself. Each day is different for me. I cry every day, but some days feel better than others. It's just such a strange feeling all the time. I am so sorry for your loss, and for all of us on this site. It's a sad bond to have. I am thankful to hear the stories of everyone else and know that I am not alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...