A Missing Part

[EllenF]

December 14, 2009

I have been looking for an online support, and stumbled into this site today. I have been reading many of the posts and can see and feel so many of the emotions that I have been experiencing. The "gut" feeling that you get when things happen daily to remind you of the missing part of you, occurs when you least expect it. The feeling that you are not part of things going on around you, just going throught the motions of life, trying to stay afloat constantly plagues me.

My story:

I met Mark the love of my life, believe it or not, from a major online dating organization, and we fell into the most beautiful relationship.

He had lost his wife a year before and I was divorced. He lived in a nearby city. We decided to marry on February 28, 2007. I was going to retire early and join him in the country (and I mean the boonies, gravel road and all)and start our life together. Late in November, 2006, Mark was diagnosed with protate cancer. He came to me, telling me about it, and gave me opportunity to postpone or get out of marriage all together.

God had so blessed us finding each other that even with this devastating news I just gave him a hug and we talked it through. The following Wednesday, my half day off, we "RAN" away and got married, Dec 6, 2006. I like to say that because we both were in early 60s and our kids laughed at us for eloping. We needed to marry early so I could be there for Mark when his treatments started in January.

Well through the year of 2007 we fought the cancer. Mark took 42 radiation treatments and did quite well. We became the happy newly-weds and

lived life to the fullest.

Then in January 2008 after a routine colonoscopy Mark was diagnosed with Stage 4, Colon cancer, mest...to the liver. He went through surgery and started on chemo within 6 weeks. It was a very long road. He was on some type of chemo for almost 20 months. He tolerated it well, compared to some. He was very weak most of the time, but we never lost our spirit of hope. Finally our regular cancer doctor had tried everything and he referred Mark to Vanderbilt and we were hopeful to get Mark into a sucessful clinical trial there. We went to Nashville November 4, 2009 where he had many appointments and tests to start the treatments. By the end of the day, a doctor told Mark that his liver functions had declined and that he was no longer a candidate for treatment options. She said it would be months at best. The next day, we saw our regular doctor in our local town, and he had been in touch with the doctor from the day before and he informed us it would be one to three months in his opinion. My Mark died

November 11, 2009, less than a week. I was devastated. Even though he had been sick for couple of years, I didn't have time to wrap my mind around the idea and he was gone. As I look back, I believe that God took Mark home, because he knew the hope we had was gone.

Mark was a 23 year Navy vet, and God honored him, in my heart, by taking him home on Veteran's Day. A lot of people here have lost loved ones of many years, and even though Mark and I only had 3 1/2 years together, we have been joined at the hip for those few years. We lived a very private

isolated life in a very rural beautiful area. We never had "one" unkind word to each other and just loved being together. I feel so lost now.

I look around me and I see things we planned to do together this holiday season. We had no idea that he would be gone so fast. But the one thing that gives me comfort is, we never left anything unsaid between us.

I have just rambled in the posting, but its something I needed to do. I shared part of my story. I could actually probably write a book about my life with Mark. We had such a special love, that it makes my sisters "do" the gag expression when they would hear our stories.

Where am I in this emotional roller coaster? Like a previous person said I wake up in the middle of the night, I can't go to sleep until late,

I have a lost feeling all the time, and I try so hard to stay busy, going through the motions.

I am glad I found this site, since I know people here understand what my tears are about and it gives me hope to know that others have made it through. Thanks for reading this mess....sorry it's so long.

Ellen

[LindaKoz]

Hi Ellen,

I'm sending love, hugs and prayers your way. I understand the loss that you are feeling. I also only knew Brian 3 1/2 years and we met on an on-line dating site. We hadn't yet gotten married due to financial reasons with my son in college but we lived together for the past three years. He was the man I had been searching for my entire life. He was my soulmate and the other half of myself. I lost him very suddenly due to an infection on 9/23/2009. Up until three days before that, Brian had been a strong, healthy man who loved life and loved me. I wish I had some wisdom to share but this grief journey is work and it is a roller coaster. All we can do is try to face the emotions as they come and work our way through them. It is important to take care of yourself the best that you can--rest, eat, and be very gentle with yourself. Face life one moment at a time. And, remember to breathe.

I have found it helpful to see a Pastoral Counselor (I have a history with her and she knows me very well). I've also attended a grief support group and have a Spiritual Director (I'm a seminary student). Reaching out and letting friends and family surround you with love and support helps but it does not erase the pain. I suppose only time will make this new life more manageable. For now, please know that there are many loving people on this site who understand what you are experiencing. We lean on each other as we try to find moments of peace. Come here as often as you need to -- you can share, vent, and just let us know where you are on this path. Know that you are not alone. I'm here to listen and to understand.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[EllenF]

Dear Linda,

I'm not sure that I'm replying in the correct places yet, but thank you so much for such kind and understanding words. Yes it is helpful here to me to be able to write how I feel and maybe even cry a bit as I type, the other person doesnt have to hear you like people who know you in person.

I feel a link to you already, in the fact that you understand how one can find and lose their true love in a few short years. It will be helpful offering support to others. I have found in life that one starts to lose that "feel sorry for themselves" when they reach out and help others in need. Aren't we lucky that we experienced such loves in our lives. Sometimes people go forever without that. I will share something with you as I sit here I am looking at a figurine that Mark gave me last Christmas. It is one of two dancers (figurines without faces..know you've seen them) embracing as they dance. He knew that my theme song in life is "I Hope You Dance" and knew that I embraced life that way. I choose to dance and I will get that feeling back, I know I will.

Lots of virtual hugs

your friend

Ellen

[JohnG]

Ellen, I'm new to this site as well but I've found that it's the perfect place to say whatever is in your grief stricken mind. Ramble as much and as often as you need to because I've found in just a few days that the response of caring, compassionate people on this site is phenomeal and very healing.

Peace and Love,

John

[Kat2005]

Ellen,

First let me say I am so sorry for your loss. All the people here are so caring and offer such good advice. They have helped me through some really rough times. My journey started 6 months ago when I lost my love, soulmate and best friend. We were married this year 25 years. He had an aggressive form of prostate cancer. We didn't realize at that time that we would only have 9 months. We were lead to believe that we could possibly have at least 5 years or more.

The one thing that I have learned is not to expect too much of myself. Somedays are good....somedays not so good! That's okay! I have learned that everything I have been feeling is normal. I really thought I was loosing it at times. The one thing I have found much comfort in is my journaling.

Take care of yourself. Come here when ever you need to talk to someone. There is always someone to listen. We are all going though this journey together and we are here for each other. I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care,

Kat

[MartyT]

Ellen, dear ~ I love how you said, "I choose to dance and I will get that feeling back, I know I will." You've reminded me of a video I watched just this afternoon, featuring Dr. Annette Childs talking about her beautiful book, Will You Dance? Read more about the book by clicking on the title, and watch the video here: Dr. Annette Childs: A Journey from Loss to Healing

[EllenF]

Thanks so much for the link to the book and information about Dr. Childs!! I look forward to checking it out. I already feel blessed to have such a caring place, where I can be helped, and where I can reach out and help others along the way!! Hugs Ellen

[derby]

I am so sorry for your loss. This journey we are on is something we would rather not be on, but these folks offer kindness, warmth, compassion. We are here to help one another..... Blessings to you. Debbie

[LarrysGirl]

Ellen, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. The love you shared is so special and something to cherish. My Larry died of liver cancer waiting many years for a transplant. They found the cancer in Sept. 2005 and he died in Nov. the day before his birthday. They sent him home from the hospital not realizing he would be gone 7 days later. I was fighting so hard to save his life I had not time to realize it was over. Take care of yourself and I'm so glad you found this site. The wonderful people here along with "Marty" saved my life more than once. Keep sharing your feelings this will help you heal. Deborah

[EllenF]

I am so sorry for your loss. This journey we are on is something we would rather not be on, but these folks offer kindness, warmth, compassion. We are here to help one another..... Blessings to you. Debbie

Thanks so much for your response.....huggggs to you........Ellen

[EllenF]

Ellen, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. The love you shared is so special and something to cherish. My Larry died of liver cancer waiting many years for a transplant. They found the cancer in Sept. 2005 and he died in Nov. the day before his birthday. They sent him home from the hospital not realizing he would be gone 7 days later. I was fighting so hard to save his life I had not time to realize it was over. Take care of yourself and I'm so glad you found this site. The wonderful people here along with "Marty" saved my life more than once. Keep sharing your feelings this will help you heal. Deborah

Thanks Deborah for responding. I'm also sorry for your loss. Cancer got to be a word we hated, but we always had hope, like I'm sure you and Larry did. I can relate to your statement "I was fighting so hard to save his life I had not time to realize it was over." That describes me exactly.

I was also fighting so hard with my Mark that I never stopped to think "this is it" I think I was blindsided when one day he was talking about the future and the next he hardly knew who I was. Thankyou for reminding me of the love we shared, as it will see me through at times....hugggs...Ellen

[kath]

Dear Ellen,

You were blessed to have such a wonderful love. I am sorry it was only for a short while. This site has been a life saver for many of us. Just knowing there is understanding and an amazing willingness to share has gotten me through many months of heartache. My husband died from septic shock while being evaluated for a liver transplant. He was hospitalized for the final 7 days of his life. I don't feel I left many things unsaid. He was my hero and I loved being his wife.

The confusion and lack of sleep are normal grief responses. It is a good idea to rest when you can, stay hydrated, and take really good care of yourself. I descended from a long line of dancers (polka mostly) and your post reminded me of the best of them.

Peace and Hugs,

Kath

[EllenF]

Yes, you and I were blessed to have had such loves in our lives, and I can see already in one day that sharing with you and others is very helpful.

It's kind of like an online Chicken Soup type thing. I can feel that you understand and these others who are broken hearted know how we feel.

Just tonight I was with loving family members for a Christmas outing that we usually do each year. I am blessed and all of my brothers and sisters and my dad and stepmom were there. They not experiencing a loss, don't understand the my heart literally feels broken. Here I want to reach out and help others who I know feel what I feel. Thanks again..and hugs my new friend.......Ellen...PS. I can't really dance that well....I always think of that sign that says dance like no one is watching.....but I believe in the words of the song....you have to keep trying things ie keep on dancing...

smiles

[kath]

I cross-stitched that saying for my husband and mounted it in our clock!

"Work like you don't need the money ~ Love like you've never been hurt ~ Dance like no one is watching"

[Korina]

Ellen:

I am glad you are finding some solace in this forum. The words and compassion of everyone here were such a comfort when I felt desperate and frenzied. I searched the internet, looking for books and information on grief. And I found this forum, thank the Good Lord. It has become a very important part of my routine.

Your days will be very difficult, up and down and around. But keep moving, and even if there are backsteps, I believe we all seem to be making net forward steps. I think it was Linda who said there is a difference between moving forward and moving on. We do not move on from such precious love, but we keep moving forward in this life. And in moving forward, we can do things to honor our special love. I keep those words in my heart, and realize that the pain I am feeling is because of that special love and the special person in my husband. I think I would feel worse if I didn't feel this grief. And remember this all takes its own good time.

Take care of yourself, and keep coming back to us.

Korina

[LindaKoz]

Hi Ellen,

Thanks for your kind words. Sorry for the delay in responding, for some reason I missed your post. The figurine sounds so beautiful and I am glad you have something so wonderful which you can cherish. And, I know that you wil find a way to choose to dance again. There have been many times in the past 11 weeks when I wanted to give up but I know that Brian wants me to choose life. So, I continue to face every day by drawing strength from Brian's spirit and from God. I find moments of peace which help me to go on. I'm a seminary student and Brian was my biggests supporter. He was the person who was able to recognize gifts in me that I didn't know existed. Giving up would be a dishonor to his memory. He passed away the week that classes started for this semester. Somehow I have been able to find the fortitude to continue my classes and actualy keep up with the work. Last night my professor told me that he was amazed that I was able to do this. I know that I have had a lot of help and support -- that's what keeps me going.

I'm keeping you in my prayers with the hope that you are able to find moments of peace, that your memories will help sustain you during times of sadness, and that you do indeed choose to dance again. I'm sending lots of love and hugs your way.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[EllenF]

Thanks to everyone who has sent a response to my topic/story. It is comforting to me to be able to share with you and for me to share in your story also. I realize even though I feel so alone, I am NOT alone. There are other people in the world who are hurting just as I am and they understand. What an amazing amount of love is filtered through this site, one for another, but all the love that is amongst us for our lost loved ones wraps us together in wonderful package. I think this package is the best Christmas gift I will experience this year. It's not the gift we would have chosen, but none the less it is a gift!!......hugggs and love from......Ellen

[LindaKoz]

Well said, my friend. It is truly a gift that we are willing to open our souls to each other and to accept love, comfort and support. My prayer today is that we all find a way to forge our way through this difficult season. May we find moments of hope, peace, love, and perhaps even joy. These are the messages which the Advent season offers along with waiting for the birth of Christ. And during this time of waiting I am trying to open myself fully to God in order to experience healing.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[EllenF]

I am listening in the background of my computer,,,,I can only imagine.......will I dance for you Jesus,,,will I sing......yes Linda....lets pray that we fully.....open and accept God's healing.....its there waiting if we can just reach it........hugggggggs