Visiting The Grave

[azusaman]

I have been feeling like going out to the cemetery to see Adrianne's gravesite. I'm filled with apprehension when I think about doing it. I'm wondering why I should go and then I'm thinking it would be too painful to go. Anyone else having difficulty making a decision like this?

Ted

[Gail_R]

Hi Ted...It will be 3 years on Jan 20 that I lost my husband Bruce and I can tell that the first time I went to his grave I felt like the day we put him to rest..but I did it and everytime I went after that it was not as bad as the first but still to this day it is hard to go there..but for me it was good ...it was a place that I could sit and talk to him about all the this that were going wrong in my life and I have to say it did help me..but that is something that you have to decide for yourself..it still maybe to soon for you ...hope that this helps...gail

[tracy poulos]

My husband passed on September 25th, I had not been to the grave since his funeral and decided I needed to visit for Christmas, it was an emotional day as it started raining on the way home and I couldn't stop crying I got home a a huge

full rainbow appeared it was awesome and made me feel like my Jim was happy I came for a visit ...

[Kat2005]

Ted,

It was very hard the first time that I visited the gravesite. Alot of tears were shed. I find comfort when I go now. I sit and just tell him what is going on in my life. This might sound crazy but I can feel him and I know that he is watching over me. Ted, no one can tell you when the right time will be ..... only you will know that. I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care,

Kat

[JohnG]

Ted,

I completely understand your apprehension. I had a very hard time the first time I visited Krystal's grave but while there a tremendous sense of peace came over me and my tears were actually because of the fond memories I had of her. There was an image of her favorite friend, a stuffed clown that she cherished and slept with ( she couldn't bare to call them stuffed, she liked "friends" better)engraved on her marker that brought back the wonderful story of how I gave it to her 18 years ago. So though it was sad I came away from there feeling a great peace. She is buried back in West Virginia so I am so thankful I had that opportunity.

[Rochel]

Dear Ted,

It is very difficult as time goes by to revisit the gravesite, the overall grief and all the triggers and memories...however, it would be a healing for you from God, and a gift to be able to move forward...off the lonely rock, so to speak, we put ourselves on to contemplate our lives now and where we are going...thru the grief and loneliness we can become reclusive and that's not healthy...Please stay with us, because you will have much encourage here as always....Bless you Rochel

[Korina]

My husband is buried across the country in his hometown, beside his father, so I visit his grave when I am visiting my inlaws. I usually don't spend too much time there simply because I have to have someone take me there, and I feel a bit awkward. However, though I don't go every day, I know I would feel incomplete if I did not go at all. I feel very sad, but I do not dread going. In fact, during the summer, I took our daughter with me, and strangely, I have a beautiful picture of her lying at the foot of the site. It is heartbreaking but so right, as she is there with her dad.

That said, I am with Scott every single day in my heart, so I am not bothered by the fact that I can only visit his physical resting place on our trips out east. But when there, I feel the need to go, and it just feels right.

Korina

[teny]

hellow from far away.IM sorry for your loss and fully understand the way you feel .I lost my love 3 years ago and could not visit his grave for 1 year .I had to go the2 year at his memorial day .but thank ggggggggggod my son was with me.it was hard but as othr friends say I feel now peaceful when I go.Here in Athens the cemetery is huge impresive and depressing full of marble status graves like small houses trees that dont let the sun in.the status are most of them made by very known artists and they realy belong to the museum.Wish you strength and an easier year.Teny

[Jsph110]

its a good idea to go visit.

[kath]

Ted,

I live in a small town,fairly close to the cemetery. It is situated in an area where you can see the elementary, middle and high schools - assuring us that he is near to the kids as they move forward. I had to plant my own grass on his grave so I visited twice a day (it was a reallly hot summer) to water the seed. My sister lovingly joked that he had become my Chia pet. I also brought my kids there at any time of day or night when they felt they needed it. It has most definitely become a source of peace for me. I have many talks, many tears and even stop to share good news or worries. Early on I wanted to just lay there with him but was afraid of being carted off. Not long after I saw a photo of a widow doing that exact thing one Memorial Day. It depends what you are comfortable with. I know Bob is no more in that grave than in my bed, but it is his final resting place and a big chunk of my heart is buried there also.

[LindaG]

Ted-

When I first began the grieving process the first grief counselor that I met with told me a story of a man that used to take a beach chair to the cemetary every morning with his coffee and the paper. He would sit, drink the coffee, and have a conversation with his wife.

I somehow found that comforting as Joe and I shared so many things just between ourselves, I felt I had no one else to talk to. He was buried in Mid-October and to this day (except for one bad snowstorm), I visit him at lunch for a few minutes and tell him everything that is going on. This works for me as the cemetary is close and sits overlooking a pond - so the proximity and peacefulness of the area - helps. It may not be a healthy thing to do - to hold on in this way - but it helps... a little. I may have been better off to stay away for awhile but I needed to be as close as I could be now. I also think at first somewhere in my head I did not believe it as Joe's death was so sudden and unexpected that I went to help it sink in and work on some of the closure- if that makes sense.

I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer.

- Linda G

[mrspapajohn]

Ted - - As we keep hearing over and over, everyone handles their grief differrently. Personnally, I get a lot of comfort from visiting Stephen's grave, as I believe you would get if you decide to visit Adrianne's. I am from Glendale, AZ (just moved) and I had Stephen buried near his family and friends In Ft. Worth. I flew down to Ft. Worth to visit his grave on our wedding anniversary (2 1/2 months after he died), on my birthday (3 months later), on his birthday (2 months later), on Labor Day and Memorial Day. Sometimes I let his family know that I was coming, sometimes I did not. I am not flying down on these holidays as just after New Year will be the first anniversary of his death and I really don't believe that I could survive it. Each time I visit, I talk to him about all the things that have happened since my last visit, and then I generally degenerate into a whine that covers why he had to leave me when there were so many things left undone. Things we were going to do together, that I just can't get into gear to do without him. I end up bawling all the way back to the airport and must pretent that I have an awful cold, so people won't find me suspicious. It usually takes me two or three days to recover to the point that I can speak coherently with friends and family again. At least I am going to contact the funeral home in Ft. Worth so I can preplan and prepay to be buried alongside Stephen, My dear sister-in-law handled everything for me when Stephen died. I know that I would have been totally lost and I don't want someone else have to go through that after I am gone. In spite of all the misery and self-pity, visiting and speaking with him reinforces a feeling that he his still here, still in my heart. It helps to say all the things that I wish that I had said to him when he was alive. I repeat over and over how much I love him, and I believes he actually hears me say those words.

Ted, good luck. I know you'll make the right choice.

Kathy

[azusaman]

Well, yesterday I visited Adrianne's grave and it went much better than I thought it would. It was a bright, sun shining and just a beautiful day that God ordered up for me. I guess the main thing that struck me was that she wasn't there in the ground, but up in heaven, beholding the Glory of the risen Savior. I felt such comfort in knowing that. Thank all of you for your prayer and support.

Ted

[Babs11]

Ted,

Your wife is not in the ground and she never was...that is a place for you to go...a memorial..You are right she is in Heaven surrounded by love and continuing to Love You and Your Families..

...I am glad that you found relief from that...

We thank you too for your support and prayers...This is a Hard Journey that a lot of us were not ready for and through support of family and friends and acquaintances we meet along the way we try so hard to find the best in the very most unknown situations...We are also guided....I am glad that your day looked brighter.

Love and Peace

Babs

[Rochel]

Hi Korina,

I sure would like to see a current picture of your little girl...I bet that is a beautiful picture of her lying at the foot of the site...Glad you braved it thru the Christmas Holidays...Glad to see your posts again....Bless you, Rochel

[Rochel]

Hi Azusaman,

I'm so glad that the Lord met you at the gravesite...That is what I have been praying for...I hope that you have let yourself off the hook for past differences and you are ready to move to a new chapter in your life...Adrianne was blessed to have a husband like you, you seem to be such a sincere and sensitive man...I'm sure the Lord is making His countenance to shine down upon you (do you know what that means??? The Creator of the Universe is smiling at you) You are a fine example for the rest of us....Bless your day today...Rochel