Reaching Out

[JohnG]

It's 6 o'clock on a Sunday morning. My weekend so far has been a struggle to do normal things such as clean house, do the marketing etc..., all of which have taken herculean efforts to keep from just sitting down in the middle of what I'm doing and giving up. I've spoken to friends and family on the phone and I can't say that it's helped me at all, I don't know why they're words miss the mark. I've driven past bars on my way home and really wanted to go in and just sit and drink all night just to dull the lonliness and for the personal interaction but that's not me. I've sat in coffee shops staring over my coffee trying to come to grips with this pain. I've virtually run out of my coffee shop, church and the market because the tears well up and I know that the emotional anguish that will emerge is not something I can cope with publicly, not to mention that it's manifestation would horrify bystanders. Sleep has only come with the help of a sleep aid, but anytime I have been awake I am weeping inconsolably, choking on tears, screaming out to God to help me. I'm scared and lonely. Those around me don't help. I can only tell you, my dear friends here on this site, the agony I feel and know that you understand.I just had talk to somebody. Thanks.

[Daughter2010]

JohnG,

Its ok. I can complete relate to how you feel. I have felt like that at times but I have also realized this pain may not go away, and all I am left with doing is learn to live with it and doing things that would have my dad smiling wherever he is at now.

It is a slow journey, and realizing that I need to live with it has helped me do the things I need to, like small chores, school work, etc. I do want to accomplish goals that would make my dad proud, so when I do leave this earth I can say to him I did it.

All I can say to you is doing things to honor the memory of our loved ones, even if they are small, are a huge milestone in the middle of your pain. I am sure our loved ones would not want us to be sad or depressed. A big hug for you and, hang in there, taking it one day at a time will help make it a little easier.

-L

[Sharon3]

John I know your pain and the despair of what we think the future holds for us. I would urge you to get a good counsellor or grieving group. I have not done the group thing yet but I do have a counsellor tht was referred to me by my Doctor.

She is very busy and I don't get to see her more thaqn once every 3 weeks. I wish it was more but I look forward to it because she has been a tremendous help and in times of trouble I hear her voice telling me to feel it and name it. This is something tht most of us need professional help with so if you haven't done it yet I would suggest you do.....It will help.

[mrspapajohn]

John - - I agree with Sharon that you should try counseling. What you are feeling and how your emotions are overwhelming you is normal. I used to think I was going crazy, but I found out that the emotions of people who lose someone they love are so completely overwhelming and foreign that almost anything they do is "normal." When I lost my husband, I did not stop crying for months - - literally. The only time I stopped crying was when I slept (which was infrequesntly) and I would start crying again as soon as I woke up because I had to face another day without him. My eyes were so sore from crying (like a nose that is sore from when you use a tissue too much when you have a cold) that I had to see a doctor just to get a salve to ease the eye pain. I admit that I still cry, but not every day. I still miss him terribly, but I can cope. I can't eat food that he loved, but I do eat. I stay up till all hours of the night, but I do eventually sleep. I want to talk about him constantly, but I am with friends and do not even say his name. I guess what I am saying is, give in to the pain you are feeling right now. Scream, cry, sit in the middle of the room and don't move for hours, but amidst all the pain, take care of yourself, because it will change. You will always remember, but you will be able to handle the pain. My mother lost her husband, my father, - - in fact she outlived him by twenty years, and she did smile again, and laugh and even feel joy. You will too, as we all will. Please, please keep posting if it helps you at all. We are all with you and we understand.

Peace,

Kathy

[marsha]

Keep talking to us, John. When Joe died, I did what I had to, zombie like, I'll admit - but there were times I literally thought I was losing my mind. Each of us, I'm sure, has our own way of trying to cope. I know this is going to sound strange, but sometimes we have to give in to the pain, and let it have its way, whether by crying, screaming, posting, talking...or just letting it wash over us. Letting the wave come, and recede. We're here to listen, and support each other. Hugs, Marsha

[LarrysGirl]

John, unfortunately all of these feelings are part of the grief. It is so hard, so much pain and sadness. I also felt very scared and lost in the world. My life felt like it had been ripped from me and I couldn't cope. This site has been the best source of support and understanding when others did not want to listen anymore. Keep sharing and letting out your feelings here, it will help you slowly heal. Deborah

[CMoonlight]

Hi John, I am new to this forum. I lost the love of my life last April. She was only 49 and died as the result of complications from an abdominal aortic aneurysm. I know you have probably heard this over and over, but it really does get better. You have to appreciate what friends and family tell you and accept that what they say is all they have and know how to give as they truly can't know the extent of your pain.

Your decision to bypass the barrooms is probably one of the wisest. Try to stick with that one.

I too know the fear and loneliness all too well. I can also tell you that even though it's been ten months since loosing Colleen I still find myself crying most days and pleading with God for even just the smallest amount of relief. I have also had my share of grief induced meltdowns in public places and have had the almost uncontrollable urge to rip just about anyone's face off for just about any reason.

But you want to know something??? All of this is NORMAL. It is part of the grieving process and we need to work through it.

John, trust me, there will come a day that you will be able to smile and enjoy life again. Right now it is probably extremely hard for you to grasp that but again, that is perfectly normal as well. I really wish I had some "magic potion" that could ease your pain and take away the darkness that's running through your veins, but there is no such animal. What I can tell you is that one of the most important things to do at this point is to try, the best as you may to keep your physical well being up to par.

I have found that for me, doing things that I enjoy....playing the guitar, nature, long rides help keep my mind somewhat balanced.

I don't know if you have checked into it or are already doing so, but through my local Hospice I see a Bereavement Counselor and have joined a grief group there as well. I find that talking with others in person who are in the same predicament is of great help. I also find that looking back to where I was at the beginning of this whole nightmare and where I am today helps me realize that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope and pray that this can help you in some way.

Take care and hang in there, John

[Cheryl]

HI John,

I feel like you do. So sad. So alone. So scared. So ready for the pain to end. So tired. I don't know what to do. No one understands the depth of my pain. Someone asked me if I thought I needed medication to help me feel better. Wouldn't that be easy! I don't need medication to feel better. I need Mark. I need my old life back. I need to not cry at absolutely everything. I need to feel like my life isn't over. I need the things I can't have. So I am sad. So very, very sad.

[Mrs. B]

John, Friends are great to have but until they themselves have experienced a loss they are just trying to be sympathetic. They mean well. I at first could not even go to the grocery store because I didnt want to have to talk to anyone, having them ask how i was doing. I said ok when really i wasnt. I thought i would be ok but i ended going to see a councilor and it was the best thing i could have done. She put things in perspective all the emotions and feelings. I then went to group that just ended and it to was good for me. We all had something in common. The loss of a loved one. The lonliness that I have i try to fill by keeping busy. I went to the classes , started taking guitar lessons, inviting friends over for a meal. Its not the same but I know I have to move on but not forget.It is coming up to a year that i have lost my spouse and it still hurts. But that is what grief is and that is ok. I miss him so much. Just take one day at a time. Sending hugs your way. Mrs. B

[Susie Q]

Dear John

Please take heart from what everyone is telling you. This site keeps me sane and on track in my very worst moments and I have drawn comfort from what I read here.

I know that how you are feeling is unbearable and you can see no way of getting through it. But you will. After 5 months I am just starting to feel some small elief from the overwhelming burden and pain of my raw grief and I didn't believe it was ever going to be possible.

You should feel reassured that if so many of us can associate with how you are feeling, it's part of his horrific nightmare world we find ourselves in, but obviously it is also part of the slow recovery process.

I'll be truthful and say that things aren't even close to be marginally OK even now. The pain is still there in a big way but some times it's manageable and I feel the beginning of some confidence that I will be able to claw my way back to something close to being a functioning person. The best way I can describe it is that my days are starting to feel dark grey while my nights are still totally black, but at least it's better than 24 hours of 'all black'.

Please let the pain come - just surrendering to it whenever it demanded my attention helped me more than I can tell you. With all my best wishes for some hours of peace for you...Susie Q

[Babs11]

Hi, John

..You reached out to your Friends on this site and here you can speak your feelings, say your beloved ones name over and over and ask for help..and just let it out. When you feel alone although we may not be with you to hold your hand and give you a hug..we can offer you advise and we can listen..and we send you our prayers and the strength to help you HOLD ON...

..I have not gone to a Counseling Session or Grief Group in my area yet but I need to..There are just days that our overwhelming and I just need to make it through..to be able to let go of some of the fear and anxiety..

..Everyone's comments to you have so much validation and I can completely relate to Kathy's..

..If you can't get things done and just need to sit..then it is ok...I do that also..I try to clean then sometimes I just sit down and just sit and look around and think..I can't help it I just need to do that..I use to be me own worse enemy who if I didn't do what was expected or I thought I should do felt horrible about myself..Now I just tell myself "I just can't right now or maybe not today"

..Your feelings are Truly Validated..You are Missing the Love of Your Life and John you should find Peace in the fact that you are a Loving Husband so you can't help but feel any other way at times..

..Even though we can not give you the "Quick Fix" Pain, Grief and Loss Pill..(another story) we can be your friend..

You will always find "at least" One Person here who understands, will offer Hope and Love and a Friendship..

I think you are a very Strong Person for sharing your feelings...

Peace and Love John...One day, One minute and One task at a time..

Babs.

[Korina]

John and Cheryl

Those first weeks, thinking back (now at 7 months), seem completely unreal. How did I feel numb and like someone has kicked me in the guts at the same time. Like I was viewing the world from behind a glass wall. When suddenly you feel slightly normal and laugh at something, but then reality crashes in and I felt guilty about laughing. A continuous roller coaster. Not sleeping for a month. Having to force myself to eat (and I have always loved food). I remember specifically the time I was sobbing, not caring whether I lived or died. And wondering how I was going to survive without Scott for the next 40 years (assuming I live to 80ish). How it wasn't fair, with all the injustices in the world, that God would take my husband from me. He was my life for almost half of my lifetime.

But then to find some peace in a quiet summer's breeze, tears rolling down my face, imagining Scott looking down through the leaves rustling in the wind. That maybe, when Kailyn, still an infant, was smiling at Scott's spirit when she was smiling at the wall.

I also found solace in routine at nighttime (otherwise I found it nearly impossible to sleep). The last thing I would do each night was come to this forum and then write Scott a letter. I haven't done this as much now, as sleep comes more easily (though not always). And I try to do things I know would please Scott, to honour his life and our lives together. The most important thing is to be a good mother, and to put together memories for Kailyn so that she can get to know her Dad when she gets older.

Besides this forum and talking to friends and family, I also have seen a counsellor. I have not felt any qualms about reaching out for help. Once, I started sobbing in front of a salesady in a dept store. She gave me a big hug and told me about how her mother survived when her father (her mother's husband) died when she was a child.

For me, the grief has changed, and I expect it to keep changing. One day, I hope to feel lucky that I was given 20 years of true love (not there yet...).

This journey is so terribly difficult. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other, and sometimes give in to sobbing on the bed, beating the pillows, whatever it takes. I remember crying so hard one night, that both my ears and nostrils plugged up, so that I couldn't hear or breathe through my nose for a few minutes after the tears stopped - gotta love those next morning puffy eyes!

I believe you will find strength to survive - you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Korina