Moody.....

[missyme]

I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I cannot pay attention at my job and I am not myself when I interact with people. I have no patience for my husband or my 4 yo. As a result I feel guilty all the time about how I am acting and I really don't need another thing to feel bad about. My counselor thinks that I should think about some sleeping pills but that makes me nervous because my family has a history of addiction.

I have not been able to listen to my voicemail because I knew there were messages from my brother on it....today I finally had to listen and THE MESSAGES ARE GONE....they deleted themselves because of how many messages were on the phone I guess. It is making me so sad that I won't be able to hear my brothers voice again...that was my last "live" tie to him.

I know this is rambling....I am just completely lost in grief. I don't want this to have happened to me and I don't understand this at all......

[Ron B.]

missyme,

Amidst the devastation of grief, I believe there is a point to it all. A lesson, a reason, a matter of faith to believe in. If for nothing else, it's to honor the family member we have lost.

Take things day by day, one issue at a time. If ever there was a time in your life to cut yourself some slack, it is now. Do you have the option of taking time off from work? Good for you, you are seeing a counselor. Give yourself credit for that. Count your blessings too; you have a husband and a 4 year old. This experience of grief will, in the long run, broaden your compassion and humanity. Be patient. This is life's most difficult lesson.

Sending a prayer your way,

Ron B.

[DoingMyBest]

I know what you are saying. Every single day is so tough to get out of bed, knowing you have to come to work (with people who probably feel you should be over it by now... if they even remember to think that it still weighs on you), deal with stuff that you really don't care about, and interact with people. It is this huge anxiety that makes every day completely exhausting. And then to come home to someone who cares about you - and all he does is irritate you! I feel so guilty for that, too - I just got married a couple of months before my mom died, and I'm feeling like a terrible wife. My husband is so generous and supportive, but all I want is to be alone. And the phone message - that hurts. I tried to go back and retrieve one that my mom may have left, but they are gone. I'll never hear her voice again. I'm so mad at myself for deleting that last message, just tidying up my voicemail when I didn't need to. Who knew?

If you aren't sleeping, that only makes it worse. You may want to reconsider the sleeping pills, at least temporarily. If you are concerned, maybe have your doctor prescribe only 10 pills? Or even one or two sample pills (they often have sample tabs that the drug companies give them). That way you can try it, and it's a "contained" exposure. I don't like taking pills either - it feels wrong to medically induce a natural activity. But if it's not naturally happening, I don't think there's anything wrong with a little modern science to help. I use Ambien, and I split the pills in half - it helps me go to sleep (which is the hardest part for me), but I don't feel like it's so much that I'm drugged out that night (or the next day). And a few hours of sleep does SO MUCH for your mental and physical recovery. It doesn't make it all go away, but it does help reduce the irritation you are feeling from interacting with others.

[MartyT]

Missy, dear,

In addition to the suggestions you've received already, you may find this article helpful: Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief

[missyme]

Thanks for the support...it does help to have somewhere to go. I feel like the people around me think I should be "fine" by now since it's been 6 weeks. That may be a long time for them but for me it's still very fresh. I miss my brother.......

I can tell when people ask how I am doing that they really only want to hear "ok" or "fine". They have no desire to hear that I cry every single day and that doing anything feels like a HUGE task.

[JamesI]

Dear Missyme:

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. It is good that you are seeing a grief counselor and also using this website. Sometimes just reading the topics and posts are a help in itself.

Just know that your loss is so fresh and your feelings are all normal and expected. Don't let what others think bother you. Be good to yourself.

You need to grieve and mourn for your loved one. Crying will heal you. Just do it if you need to. It will get better.

I lost my mother on March 20, 2009, about 11 months ago. The 1st 6 to 9 months were difficult, but, I got through it and it did get better.

Along the way, as it gets better, there are setbacks and the sadness comes and goes. You have good days and bad days.

I found alot of comfort in reading alot of books on grief. I also was able to speak to a few people who understood about grief and they gave me comfort too. If you are able to find 1 or 2 people, besides your counselor, it may be another way for you to cope better.

Try to get this book, Life after Loss, by Bob Deits. Check the library or bookstore. It is also available to purchase online at Lifeafterlossonline.com.

Just know that there is no timetable for grieving. Take it one day at a time.

take care,

James

Edited April 10, 2010 by MartyT
Links inserted

[alaynalynn]

Hi, I had a similar message thing happen to me. My oldest brother died Jan 12th 2010. I had been keeping all my texts from that night and from the week after to read when I finally felt ready to and I accidentily deleted them all. It was heartbreaking. I have a 2 and a half yr old daughter and I find myself lashing out at her and my boyfiend at completely random times and for nothing. I'm not trying to be cruel to them, but I can't seem to control the anger. The worst part is not even knowing why I am angry. I feel like I should be over this already and be moving on, but at the same time I hold on to the anger. I guess I'm saying all this b/c I'm wondering, is this how you feel? It would be a great help to know I am not the only one feeling this insane.

[loulou]

I had that happen to me.My dad left 3 voice messages on my phone the day he died.I called the phone company and told them I HAD to keep these messages.Some dumb*ss told me they would stay if I kept saving them every once and a while.One day amonth later,I went to listen to my sweet dad's voice,and bam.They were gone.It broke my heart.still does.And also I have been having the hardest time with my family and kids.I feel like no one cares or understands.And no one helps with my 2 little ones.It's very hard on me.I'm so very lonely and so very sad(and furious).

[loulou]

I'm just so glad that I came here today and seen 2 others posting the same exact way I'm feeling.I have been the EXACT same.I worry it's me,but I cant help it.Also I find everyone selfish and rude.I feel so hateful inside.I feel like I should be over it.But I'm far from over it.It's not fair to expect us to be over it,right?

[missyme]

This just doesn't get any easier, does it?

My brother's birthday was this week which was just terrible.

and I feel like every aspect of my life is falling apart.......my marriage for sure (which was maybe not strong to begin with)

I just feel so not myself and SO stuck in my head and MOODY.........

please tell me I'm not alone

[loulou]

you are not alone!I'm right here with you.still having every relationship I have has crumbled.My fiance and I are so close to splitting its scary.My children drive me nuts.My friends are not really friends anymore.I'm so angry inside,that it just bubbles up and over,like a volcano.I'm stuck in this place inside my head and I feel like there is no answer or hope at all.My fiance keeps blaming our problems on me,but that makes me want to be alone.I'm HURTING and no one gives a crap.I dont know if life can keep going on this way.I just dont know what to do anymore....

[missyme]

loulou, you are really speaking my language. I know how you feel when you say "I'm hurting". I can't imagine how much more anyone could expect right now. I find every day difficult to go through. The relationship problems we are both having are interesting...this is the for worse part, isn't it? I think about couples like my grandparents that lost parents and siblings and children and just seemed to love eachother through it. My brother has not even been gone 5 months...it's going to take a while.

[niamh]

hi dear friends,

I too relate to each of you. I try hard to stop thinking about people's expectations of me because I keep telling myself I am doing great to be able to get out of bed and go to work, doing great be able to go shopping and just do all the usual day to day stuff. I do it all with a heavy heart, without hope, with nothing but sadness and sorrow in every cell within me but I still do it so I try to say I don't care what others think or expect. Because they don't know my grief, they don't my true loss, they have absolutely NO CLUE of the real pain of this for me.

I am so sorry for the pain this is causing in your relationships, I am single so I don't have that to deal with. I truly hope your partners can give you all the support you need forever.

I get so angry and want to scream at people in work that this is still red raw, it's not getting easier, in fact I feel it's getting harder because it's getting longer and longer since I saw my Dad. Sometimes I feel I need more support now than few months ago, the numbness has worn away so much more, it's so much more real now and it hardly takes a feather for me to feel like I'm being kicked when I'm down, constantly knocked and I don't have my Dad to tell me I'm doing a good job etc.

I deleted a voicemail from my Daddy 3 days after, I was too sad, got into a temper when I heard it was from him and thought I would never ever want or be able to listen to his voice again. While I still couldn't, I wish I had the choice, I guess I had no clue at the time of the finality of all this.

sending you all lots and lots of love, hugs and peace and I hope SO MUCH each of your partners will be able to give you the support you need.

niamh

xo

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I can certainly relate to the sleepless nights, I do not think I have slept more than three or four hours at a time and if I have than I wake up because of a nightmare... I have had more nightmares lately than when I was a kid... Shelley