closs86 Posted May 23, 2010 Report Share Posted May 23, 2010 Hi Nats, Ruth sounds like she was a brave strong person, so sorry for your loss, I don't know how we get through this, it is so hard, I lost my husband April 6th, to pancreatic cancer, in 3 weeks, it seems to be getting worse, the pain, the stress, the depression. Where does it stop? I miss him so much, he just didn't deserve for this to happen to him. I have 2 sons, married with families, they are very good, and around a lot but it is not the same, I want him back. Why did he have to go so soon? I just can't accept this whole thing. I am lost without him. I pray for peace for us all Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted May 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2010 Karen, Thank you, she was brave indeed, I'll be honest I found it got harder before it started getting easier for me, I had to just take things head on a day at a time we have no rush to "get over this" as the people who have not gone thru this say we must move at our own pace and I do not think you "get over" I think you learn to live a new life without...I feel for your loss as well and pray that you may find some comfort...things that have worked for me is talking both here and at local grief support also at church grief support, I also do things as if Ruth were here as far as tending yard, planting her flowers, laundry, and I still post to her Facebook page and manage it as her friends still post, don't think that's not hard but from what I've read and been counseled that's good and a big part in the healing process us doing things that help us accept they are not with us...if you don't mind what is your husbands name I'd like to pray for both of you....it's great you have your sons and let them help you however makes you feel comfort, I also have 2 sons and the oldest lives 1000 miles away but we talk and email alot, my youngest lives 10 minutes away and hard to reach, just graduated from UNF and business major kinda busy for Dad but when we do spend time together it's great..so take care for now and anytime we can share my thread is here just post we'll all get thru this day by day and minute by minute if needed... May God Bless You and Touch You With His Comforting Love... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
closs86 Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Hi Nats, Thank you for your comforting words, I am trying so hard to deal with this, I don;t want to burdon my children, but sometimes, like tonight, I can't help it, I visited with a friend today, and when I got home and she left, I had a burst of energy not the good kind and ripped apart a storage room, and threw a lot of stuff out, nothing that belonged to Johnny, but a lot of just stuff, and it made me feel pretty good to get rid of it, then I spoke to my son and kind of fell apart on him, I hate to do that I feel bad, and I start to say the wrong things, like I want to go with him, i shouldn't do that to my sons, they worry, but that is how I feel, I do want to go with him, I am sorry that I am so down, I can't help it, I am not feeling good the past few days, I am in a dark place. I appreciate you praying for us, Thanks Nats God Bless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted May 29, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2010 Karen, I get so wraped up in other peoples post and forget to check mine, I'm sorry to hear you were down the other day and I hope your feeling better, I had a rough week with emotions, must be wave week as I've seen others having it rough as well, cleaning can be good I've done some and rearranged some things as well, like I said before we can only do what makes us feel comfort at any given time, I also want to be with Ruth but God's not ready yet and it must be his will if I'm to spend eternal life with her and God, I feel there is something in Gods plan I must fullfill before it's my time not sure what but as I follow Jesus daily and speak his word I'll complete the task and not know it, then before I know it I'll be going home as well for a wonderfull reunion with not only my wife but my Dad and Grandmother as well, so knowing and believing this gives me peace and helps get me thru each day...I hope and pray you can find some comfort and truely feeling better... God Bless NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
closs86 Posted June 1, 2010 Report Share Posted June 1, 2010 Hi Nats, You have a kind heart I can hear it in your posts, and you make me find some comfort, I to am happy to know that I will be with Johnny again, I just wish it was time now. I know that he is with me all the time, as i can feel him near me, anytime I ask him a question or need help, I get an answer, so I know he is right near me, What can I say, my heart aches for him we were together 44 years, half of me is gone forever, Take care Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 1, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2010 Karen, I'm so glad I help you feel comfort, that makes me feel good knowing I can help someone, that's part of what I said following as Jesus would do I'm a step closer in full filling my plan...I also feel Ruth very strong alomost as a sixth sense the last few days I've felt her sending me messages and a short while later the message is reality...example she told me a piece of mail came from someone, when I got home it had, today I was visiting a close friend and we were talking about a person Ruth cleaned a condo for and I hadn't heard from her as I clean the condo now, Ruth said she call sure enough when I got home tonight she had called and left a message... we have them with us just not here on earth, it's rough I know for sure how you feel it for sure aches at times, but I hold on to the thoughts of being reuinited and the happy memories and that gets me thru each day and with each day it gets a little more easier to make the adjustment without her...so for now take care and I'll be praying for everyone here each day that we can find some comfort..... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
closs86 Posted June 1, 2010 Report Share Posted June 1, 2010 Hi Nats, It is funny that you say these things, because I truly know that he is with me, like you said a sixth sense, I feel him, just can't see him. I asked him to stay close to me and not leave until I can go with him, and I know that he will wait for me and stay with me. He is helping me do things that I never did, it is like he is guiding me in the direction he wants me to go. I fixed things that I wouldn't even ever think I could fix, I drove and haven't driven in years, I ask him to help me and he does. It is a strange thing this new relationship with them, but I feel calm inside like he is right beside me. Good Night Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Karen, I'm glad you also find comfort in knowing our loved ones really never leave us, only in the physical sense, that's what's so hard we feel them and know they are present we just can't see or touch them that's what makes my heart sad because I so miss that so much.... I'm taking the steps as they come, I'm very blessed as Ruth's niece had lost her husband 10 months ago and started visiting my wife and I about 3 months after her loss and prepared Ruth and myself with an advanced look at what was ahead for me...I feel she is a God send as she has helped me thru many rough decsions and offered many good pieces of advise on dealing with my loss....so yes I'll take my sweetheart talking to me or sending messages with open arms as it's so comforting, I pray it continues for both of us..... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamy Posted June 3, 2010 Report Share Posted June 3, 2010 Hello Everyone, My wife left to be with the Lord 2/14/10 after 9 months of intense and aggressive treatments for Lung cancer, I was her primary care giver and made every trip with her all the up's and downs and in's and out's, I am a complete and total basket case I miss her so much and the emptiness I feel is as if there's a hole in my heart....I'm working but each day has a new feeling of that being lost and confused....I found this site and I'm hoping a few of you can give me some starting points on how to deal with this....I pray and pray and that indeed helps but I'm sure by hearing some of your thoughts will help as well..... Hii, It is very sad for the experience that you went through as she was in pain and finally her departure. Two years ago i went through the same mess after loosing my husband in 2007. Everytime you feel the emptiness, please tell God audibly that i know even now you are with me and you are going to help me.And the time you feel defeated, talk to her spirit and say well i loved you, so and so but at the moment we are in a different world so leave me to live my life and stay where u r. Claim the word all the time and before long it will be history. Though it seems tough as per now, there is an answer and i know you will tell the story of how you overcame it to many others. Having the courage to share with you this is a strength to you that it will be over over over very soon.cheer up someone cares. Pam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
closs86 Posted June 5, 2010 Report Share Posted June 5, 2010 Hi Pamy I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you and your wife had a terrible long suffering. I also lost my husband to pancreatic cancer on April 6, from pancreatic cancer, in 3 weeks, very aggressive, I know the hole in your heart that you are talking about. I have a tight throat and chest since this happened, some days it is a drop better and somedays it is worse the counselor told me that what I was feeling is a broken heart, and that Is what I have a broken heart, never to be mended again. I pray that we can find some comfort someday, somehow. I do know that I want to be with him all the time, and I do know that he is with me, just can't see him, but it is so lonely, we were married 43 years, half of me is gone. Everyone keeps saying that in time you will feel a little better, I hope they are right, we can't walk around like this forever. I wish you peace and come here there are a lot of wonderful people here that are glad to help and listen. Take Care of yourself God Bless Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb H. Posted June 5, 2010 Report Share Posted June 5, 2010 Dear nats, After reading several of your posts, my heart aches for you along with my own heartache over my loss. April 21, 2010, at 6:43am, my beloved fiancee, age 47 went to heaven. I count the days gone by, and I was told today by my grief counselor that months 2 and 3 after a passing are the toughest for some reason. My phone has stopped ringing, I've moved out of the home I shared with Don, his family is angry with me ( all of them ) and I was his Primary Caregiver for 18 months that he battled cancer of the tongue that spread to his lungs. We were only together a total of 20 month and were to be married in 3 more days, however, it was not the amount of time we shared, it was the love we felt for each other. I can't stop crying either, and now Im annoyed by everyone and everything. I'm not normally a angry woman...but somedays after crying I get mad...mad at God for taking my true love, mad because life goes on for others, and mad at myself for feeling I could have done more to save my precious Don. I will pray for you and the others in this forum for strength. I need prayer for guidance and strength and comfort. I so wish I could have Don hold me just one more time.....it's just not fair is it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2010 Deb H, Thank You.....Yes very unfair indeed we can not blame ourselves Im sure we did all we could, after 3 months I found Im getting somewhat adjusted Ruth's not here and not comming back, but only gone in the physical sense still very much with me....anger you must deal with, Ive told several people to write God and tell him read the letter then do what ever with it....let the anger go thru words and hearing them, God understands we are mad he wouldn't expect anything less if so we did not love then like we thought!....I will pray for your comfort and that God will grant you some peace....also remember grief takes a lot of energy take care of yourself, sleep when you can and eat something even if not hungry, don't worry about the his family just now you have to come first, we have no time schedule we're on here that can be handled later....keep visiting the forum and we can all work thru this together, with Gods help and a positive attitude... God Bless NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
closs86 Posted June 6, 2010 Report Share Posted June 6, 2010 Hi Nats, I was feeling a little better this morning, my son and his family came to visit, then I started to feel angry again, I don't know what this is, I have no patience, don;t want to see anyone, and just feel mad, I don't like this at all, I am trying to fight this feeling, but it is to strong, my insides are twisted like a pretzel. I just want Johnny back, It is 2 months now, how can we do this, it is getting harder and harder. Good Night Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2010 Karen, I know what you mean it is hard and seems to get harder before it gets better, but it will....I pray alot and have attended grief support groups they help some, what helps is one on one discussions with individuals that have gone thru the same thing such as here or meeting them at local support groups and becoming friends...I'm at 4 months and just the last week or so noticed something has changed, because I've decided "I will not be held hostage by grief" and I'm discovering some new things I'll share later...but I would focus on getting the anger out by writing, yelling, or talking it out with someone, I've learned to focus and conquer one thing at a time....I pray you may find resolve in this.... May God Bless NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
closs86 Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Hi Nats, I have to say I had a better day today, I was with some friends and my husbands best friend since they were teens, I was very worried about going to their house and all of us being together without Johnny for the first time, I didn't know how it would go, it was strange at first, but then everyone started talking about everything, and there were even some laughs, I was happy that I went and didn't make it become something more than it was, I go to bereavement groups, it is good to talk to people that are feeling what we are feeling, so that you don't feel crazy. I also pray for strength and that we can get through this. I will drive again tomorrow, that is another thing that I haven't done in years, and was very hard for me to do, but I drove a few times now, not to far but I did it, I have to keep pushing myself, it's not easy. Have a good night Karen God Bless and give us strength Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Karen, Sounds as if you are you are doing just what we need to do, be with people, get out, and talking along with laughter is some good comfort...I also have been getting out doing things and I cleaned out Ruth's closet and dresser Friday night, a very dear friend I've been spending time with helped me...it was rough indeed but needed to be done it's a very important step in moving forward and finding closure from the physical aspect....I saved some special pieces like her wedding dress, robe and some other things I put them in a clothes bag and returned them to the closet....keep up the progress, glad to hear your driving, that should help some give some opportunity to get around and out...well I pray you continue to find some comfort, as well as I pray for everyone here taking this journey... God Bless NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
closs86 Posted June 8, 2010 Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 Hi Nat, Today was a strange day for me, after visiting with our friends yesterday I was feeling fine, woke up this morning and had to make some calls to the union and social security, on hold for a while, got a little annoyed, and before you know it I had a full blown anxiety attack, I had to take medication and stop everything for a while until i calmed my insides down a bit. I think it was a delayed reaction from being with his best friend yesterday, I think I internalize my feelings without knowing it, and then they broke out today. Then tonight I did nothing but cry and my son got upset and I don't want to make my children feel any worse than they do, I really hope and pray that tomorrow will be better. Today was scary. Take Care Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 Karen, Sounds like a wave or STUG here is a link you might find helpful My link this link was posted by Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC Bereavement Counselor Hospice of the Valley...it may help you understand some...I also had the waves of grief this morning I had one and things been going good for me...I have a nice companion friend that's providing a new outlook on life, but the loss and pain are still very present....I have done some changing around the house and that has helped some....my boys don't say much as they no it's rough for me to talk about it.....I also pray and hope you have a better day tomorrow.... Good Night and God Bless NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 Hello Everyone, Just wanted to share another major hurdle I conquered last night, I slept in our Bed for the entire night with no tears or sad thoughts or issues, I have done a makeover on the arrangement of the dresser and put a complete new set of comforter, dust ruffle and pillow shams to give it a feeling of my room....as I posted in another post Friday night, a very dear friend I've been spending time with helped me empty the closet and dresser...it was rough indeed but needed to be done it's a very important step in moving forward and finding closure from the physical aspect....I saved some special pieces like her wedding dress, robe and some other things I put them in a clothes bag and returned them to the closet....so I gives thanks to God for helping me get over another bump in this rough road we are all on.... Praying for all the grieving spouses everywhere...that God will grant us some peace and comfort..... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
closs86 Posted June 9, 2010 Report Share Posted June 9, 2010 Hi Nats Thank you for that link, it really gave me a lot of information, that I didn't know. I am so happy that you were able to sleep in your bed again. Today was a much better day for me, I woke up feeling better. Thank god. It was smart to change things around in your bedroom, and the comforter and all, it sounds like you are doing well, I am a little anxious about sunday, it is Johns birthday, so my children and i are going to be together for the day, I hope that it is not so hard for us. I pray that we all have better days, with peace filling our insides instead of anguish. I hope you have a good day, God Bless Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted June 9, 2010 Report Share Posted June 9, 2010 Nats, I understand about needing to change up the bedroom. I gave our kingsize sleep number bed to my oldest son, and bought a new queensize memory foam bed, and beautiful iron bedframe. Also bought new comforter. I put the head of the bed in a different direction. I needed to make the bedroom mine, so that I could be comfortable there. I have a hatrack in the corner with some of Michael's favorite hats on it....he had so many, from the plays he had performed in, and his personal hats. So it is still his room also, but mostly mine. I have a huge tote with the rest of the hats in it. I also have packed away most of his clothing, and given a lot of his shirts to a facility that helps people in need. My bedroom is an oasis for me, and I enjoy heading there every night, with my book to relax for a few minutes before sleep. Nothing is easy, but sometimes you just know when it is the right time to move a little forward. Praying for us all. Mary in Arkansas (Queeniemary) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Karen, So glad I could help...seems helping others thru this is helping me, Sunday Im sure will be hard but you'll have your children lean on them for strength....I'll be praying for you... Queeniemary, Yes indeed we need our room now, my dear friend was the driving force behind the move she lost her husband 11 months ago and has been such a help with everything, she truely is a God Send I feel, as we are becoming very close friends....and Yes Im fully aware of rebound feelings due to the emptiness so I'm trying to be carefull... You both take care and keep positive, I'll be praying for us all..... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted June 11, 2010 Report Share Posted June 11, 2010 Nats, it is so good to have someone who understands how you are feeling, as a close friend. You are right to take it slowly however. I have a dear friend who remarried a few years ago only 4 months after his wife died, he was so lonely, and has come to regret the marriage. I have two close friends, who are in the same unhappy club that we are all in. My friend Dana lost her husband a lilttle over a year ago, and my friend Tom lost his wife a year ago this summer. I have known him for years, he was one of my brothers best friends in high school. The three of us get together once a month, watch a movie, eat, and talk.....guess we are our own little support group. It is important to share your feelings, and talk about things with others. This group here certainly helps. I am grateful that I found this site. I liked what you said about "not being held hostage by grief". No matter how much grief I feel, I also want to live, and although I will miss Michael forever, I know I have to make a life without him. It won't be the life I wanted, and there are days I don't think I can do it. But I have to try. It is just so hard. Queeniemary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 Queeniemary, Thanks for the encouragement and concern, I just spent 2 days with her doing things both of us had not done like going to the Casino which we did and we went to the beach, I know no one can replace the love and special closeness Ruth and I had that's why in our new lives we must approach everything as new and special to each of us making the things we do now "our" memories...but the sad thing I think about is when you have that new bond someone is going to have to grieve again someday we both have already had that talk...so I'm just going to let God lead me and run on autopilot one day at a time and pray for the best...I stll miss Ruth and she still misses her husband but we find comfort with each other so only God knows..... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 You are right Nats, only God knows. That is true in all of our life. I am glad you have a close friend, and that you are making new memories. I think you are a very astute man, from your posts, and you are approaching this new relationship with care and caution. One day at a time is a good way to proceed. Praying for all of us in this club we did not want to join. Queeniemary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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