I Am Still Here.

[Suzanne R.]

I am still here, reading posts, crying during each day, deeply depressed, grieving for many reasons, grieving for my husband, grieving for his pain, grieving for what he went through the last 3 years of his life, grieving for what will never be, grieving for what Danny will be missing, grieving for him not being with me through all the events throughout the year that we participated in together like being with our 2 sons and their families, graduations, birthdays, our grandchildren growing up, family get-togethers and other special days not to mention holidays. I'd rather not mention them as I'm not looking forward to feeling isolated and lonely and feeling depressed without him. I even miss going with him to his follow-up appointments and what could have been. At Dan's last appt. the radiation doctor said the last 11 treatments didn't get the cancer, he didn't know where it would go or how long he had left and he coldly said there was nothing more he could do. Danny passed away 35 days after that appt. and I wouldn't have thought this would happen in a million years. I am still shocked about this ending to our life (because when he died, I did too) and it seems like he really shouldn't be where he is in the cemetery right now. It is the worst nightmare imaginable. I know in my heart which is broken I can't get over this loss. Even after 109 days. It would be really hard to watch TV programs that we once watched together so I just happened to notice on the information of Dr. Oz that there is a pill that can get rid of cancer. Where was this information when we needed it?

[Kat2005]

Suzanne,

I know how you feel when you hear of advancements is treating cancer. My husband died 11 months ago from an aggressive form of prostate cancer. It seems like I am seeing more and more commercials and articles about the advancements that have been made in the treatment of it. I have brought up these advancements to my sister who is in the medical field and she keeps telling me to keep in mind that even though I am hearing of advancements that are being made I have to realize that these are trials. Alot of times side effects are unknown and alot of the time the quality of life is unknown and it may be years before anything will be approved. I wish like you that there would have been a magic pill that would have cured my husband and maybe one day there will be.

Take care, Kat

[Sharon3]

Suzanne I am so sorry for the pain you feel.....I felt it too and still do although not every moment of every day as I did in the beginning. There is nowhere to hide from your grief. The memories and grief I felt in my house made me crazy and so i sold it and cried with everything I touched, everything I packed, everything I gave or threw away, I cried. It was the right decision for me but it is not for everyone..but I know your grief and so does everyone on this site. Just the other day I went to the Bank and bumped into an employee I knew casually. She said to me "you are still young, why don't you join a golf club to meet someone". I couldn't believe it.....how are people so insensitive. I just said to her, that day will never come...I will be sad all of my life for the loss of my husband and I will be but there comes a time Suzanne when you will have some moments, some hours or even some days of happiness. In the meantime hang on.

[kayc]

Suzanne,

I don't know what to say, but I am sorry for all you are going through.

[ipswitch]

I felt the same way at times. I had read of a woman who had a "spiral CT" scan and caught her cancer early enough to have it surgically removed. When I spoke to DH's PG, though, he told me a scan like that is the equivalent of 300 x-rays: It is just not something one can safely do every year, which one would have to do to catch the cancer early.

It makes for good TV and ratings, though, to announce things like that. For people who have recently lost someone, it's like salt in a wound.

[LarrysGirl]

Suzanne, its so very hard, this grief. I saw that episode of Dr. Oz and also thought WHY WHY couldn't this have been available for Larry. He went through so much and even tried experiemental treatments. He was so strong and held on as long as he could. Even though I'm at over 4 years now, it still takes my breath away. The longing for what could have been, it makes me so sad. I'm sorry that you are hurting. I know you miss Dan so much. Wishing you some peace, Deborah

[closs86]

Hi Suzanne,

So sorry for your loss and your pain, My husband didn't even get a chance to fight, 3 weeks from diagnosis to gone, it was aggressive, and had spread, no signs, at all, and once the signs started every day was straight downhill, He also was a very strong man, I never thought that this would happen to him. I have a picture of him from a week before he started to get sick, and he looks perfect, Well I am having a real bad day today, so I just better go to sleep, my best time sleeping.

Well Goodnight, and I hope we all find peace

Karen

[Korina]

In my case, after Scott died, I kept seeing advertisements on tv for different approaches to addiction, and some advertising facilities I had researched (Scott was in the middle of an in-patient program, when he was admitted to the hospital for an infection, and never left....). I don't remember seeing any of those before this ordeal. It still feels like a slap in the face. Why couldn't I have looked into this earlier....etc.

After almost a year, I don't think I have yet woken up with a smile on my face. That sucks. However, I am no longer in that deep pit of simply surviving from one moment to the next. So there is hope that things will become more bearable (I can even laugh sometimes).

Take care,

Korina