Is A Pcp Obligated To Tell I May Be Suicidal?

[Suzanne R.]

I know I've heard plenty of times that it is normal for 'grievers' to feel despondent and wish to be with their spouse who has passed on. But, it doesn't feel like it's normal to me because I don't want to live any more, although I am not going to do anything to harm myself. In fact, I am on a food plan of salads, yogurt, etc. and I am doing whatever it is I need to do to live from one day to the next. I stay in for days at a stretch but I go to appts., do errands, pay bills, because I have to, I cry during the day, get my groceries, go to family get-togethers even though I'd rather not, but I know the family wants to see me and I want to see them (before I go). But, I want to tell my PCP that I have these thoughts and that I'm just temporarily distracting myself with these routine daily things, I really and truly don't want to live anymore, not without my husband who passed away on January 22, 2010. I want to tell the doc. this, and I'm just waiting for God to call me. I really don't want to go to the doc, but I think it's time for a therapist so I'm planning on asking my PCP for a referral and doing this soon. The problem is I think if I tell my PCP this I'm afraid he might think I'm suicidal and have me committed by obligation or inform the authorities. Does anyone think this could happen? Has it happened to anyone that you know of? I've been having crying spells more lately even after the tears stopped for weeks, they're back again. I still have panic/anxiety attacks but they have subsided somewhat. But I still can't wait to cease to exist so I won't feel the knowledge that Danny is gone and I know in my heart that my life is over, while others are getting on with life and working through their grief. I just won't be happy for the rest of my life and no one can tell me any different. I don't want to live. I truly hope I haven't depressed anyone or upset you, but this is how I feel. I'm ready to leave this world but I don't want to do it via an insane assylum. Thank you so much for reading this post and thanks in advance for any advice or support.

[closs86]

Hi Suzanne

I totally understand how you are hurting, I also lost the love of my life on April 6, in 3 weeks he went from a healthy man to gone. I don't understand why this is happening to us, or how to handle it. I am still in shock, but I understand how you feel, because I also feel like that, I feel like I am just waiting for him to come for me, and eventually I am sure that it will happen, we just don't know when., We will be with them again. You have to believe that, But you have to wait until it is time, or you won't be with him.

Go to your docter and tell him that you need a therapist and I am sure he will give you someone, I think you should go as soon as you can, he will help you.

I know what you are talking about when you say you are empty inside, I feel like that also, I go through the motions, but that is it my insides are ripped out. I miss him so much, I am still thinking that this is a terrible dream and that he will show up soon. I am having a had time, accepting it, even though I know that it happened. We have a very hard road ahead, but many have traveled it before us, moment by moment, day by day, that is all we can do. Today was really hard for me, very depressed, staring in his closet looking at his things, very hard I have a knot in my stomach.

Take Care

Karen

[Korina]

I have no idea about the obligations of a Pcp, but it doesn't sound to me as if you are suicidal. I know how it feels to have no will to live. Although I no longer (usually) feel like that, I remember a very specific moment early on when I really did want to die. For me, though, I credit our newborn daughter for taking me away from those feelings, as leaving her alone, whether by choice or by just giving up, would be unforgivable. I also had amazing support from friends and family (both his and mine). That all said, at almost 11 months, I have had a very tough weekend. I have been rearranging Scott's office to make it into a combo office and bedroom for Kailyn, and making her bedroom into a bedroom for a roomate, as short term financial realities require help with the rent. Needless to say, this has been very hard. I cried my eyes out in the shower, felt again like I wanted to die, and ended up with a headache from the crying.

I also sought out the help of a counsellor, and I am very glad I did. I hope that you do seek some counselling - many of us here have, and speaking for myself, it helped. I am not sure how it works in the States, but here in Canada, I did not require the referral of my family doctor (she was simply recommended by a friend). In the meantime, please keep taking care of yourself, and keep on posting, as we are here for you.

Korina

[ipswitch]

I would think most doctors would have compassion and understanding for your situation...They deal with patients who are in your situation every week. If he or she in in her 40s or 50s, has quite likely lost someone,(though not a spouse) as well. My PCP was only five when her own father died.

YMMV, but in our state, one could only be committed involuntarily for 72 hours. There are in most places very strict rules about involuntary commitment, for good reasons.

Your doctor, from your posts, is...less than spectacular. But the doctor she refers you to may be great.

Suicidal feelings are awful. I'd been around that track, myself, before my husband's illness. Therapy and drugs gave me my life back. I wish you peace.

[MartyT]

Suzanne, dear ~ From what you're telling us, it seems pretty clear that, uncomfortable as they are, you understand that these suicidal feelings you're having are normal. Keep in mind that whatever feelings you have in grief are neither right or wrong, good or bad, and they're not always rational – feelings just are, and for your own mental health it's important to acknowledge them and express them. So I want to commend you for acknowledging and expressing your thoughts of suicide. Most grieving people have those very same thoughts, but they are terribly afraid to share them for fear of being regarded as over-reacting or crazy, or for fear of scaring other people. As our other members have already told you, thoughts of suicide are not at all unusual when you are grieving. Right now you may have the pessimistic belief that things will never get any better, as if life and living are useless and pointless. It is difficult to imagine life without your beloved, and your not wanting to go on without your husband is understandable. Keep in mind, however, that there is a vast difference between thinking about suicide and actually acting upon such thoughts. In grief, thoughts of suicide are usually fleeting and reflect how desperately you want the pain of loss to end. See, for example, the posts in this thread, How Can Anyone Live Like This?

You've voiced a concern about sharing your suicidal thoughts with your doctor. I don't know your primary care physician, but I would hope that he is skilled and experienced enough to recognize the difference between normal grief and clinical depression, and that his assessment of your mental state would take into account the recent death of your husband and its effects on your current outlook. Keep in mind, too, that while MDs are qualified to prescribe medications, not all physicians are knowledgeable about grief and the normal mourning process, and sometimes they are too quick to reach for their prescription pad rather than to refer their patients for grief counseling.

In his classic text, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, grief expert J. William Worden notes,

There has been much discussion among mental health professionals about the use of medication in the management of acute, normal grief. The consensus is that medication ought to be used sparingly and focused on giving relief from anxiety or from insomnia as opposed to providing relief from depressive symptoms . . . It is usually inadvisable to give antidepressant medications to people undergoing an acute grief reaction. These anitdepressants take a long time to work, they rarely relieve normal grief symptoms, and they could pave the way for an abnormal grief response, though this has yet to be proved through controlled studies. The exception would be in cases of major depressive episodes. Psychiatrist Beverly Raphael (2001) affirmed that, although our psychological understandings of bereavement have increased, there is not yet a good basis for biological intervention. Pharmacological approaches should, for the most part, only be provided where there is an established disorder for which they are indicated. I would concur with this. [pp. 70-71]

As Korina says, you really don't need a physician's referral in order to seek bereavement counseling (unless your health insurance requires it). See, for example, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You.

[kayc]

Suzanne,

How well do you know your doctor? I shared my feelings with my doctor and he didn't report me to anyone, but he did tell me I could call him any time, day or night. He offered me pills if I wanted them but I elected not to as I figured it was situational.

I think it's important to go ahead and seek therapy if you're feeling you would benefit from it. It's normal to feel the way you're feeling under the circumstances and the fact that you're taking good care of yourself and considering help is a good sign. A lot of times those who are truly suicidal don't tell anyone beforehand. I know I felt that way early in my grief but am living proof I didn't act on it.

[niamh]

Suzanne, I just want to send you some (((HUGS))). everytime I read your posts I feel like you took the words straight from my head and heart. I don't have words to comfort, I don't have advice but I can just let you know that I can relate to some of your feelings, yes our stories are very different but I see my feelings, my reactions in your posts.

so much love and hugs to you, it's all I have

niamh

[niamh]

hi Marty,

thank you for this post. I will assume like everything else with grief that there is no timeline for these feelings.

I'll be honest, sometimes I feel I shouldn't even post on the loss of husband or partner section. During all my time of reading about grief, looking for sites early on I did see some people compare losses (not on this site) ...and get annoyed by people like me feeling so bad because it's my Dad and not a husband/life partner etc and they just didn't go through the same thing with their parents so it's made me very conscious of it, conscious of replying to those people missing a partner/husband for fear of annoying them because my grief is for my Dad and also not wanting to get hurt or have my grief minimised. (Again, this has not happened here on this site, I want to emphasise that)

But this time it's just SO close to my heart .....like I said to Suzanne, these words can be pulled straight from me, not wanting to live,fully believing my life is over, happiness is gone forever and just simply wanting to go be with my Dad and waiting and hoping for that day to not be another lifetime away. (I'm only 35 and just don't want to have to live 30+ years without him, 5 months has already been far too long)

I do share these feelings with my dearest friends on here and am forever grateful for them and their compassion and true understanding but I've stopped talking about it to most of my friends at home now. I know they hate to hear me speak like this, I know it hurts them and even though they know I would never ever do anything but at times I'm told "don't say that", "don't think like that", "I won't let you talk of that" but I can't help it and I don't want somebody trying to change my feelings. These feelings are "normal" to me, to my situation (at least that's what I think!!), there was no part of my life my Dad was not involved in on a daily basis so no matter where I go, what I do he's missing from everywhere and everything I do.

Anyways, Suzanne, I apologise, I don't mean to hog your post, it just really hit such a raw nerve with me and wanted to reply to Marty's post also. Much hugs again to you

thanks

niamh

[kayc]

Niamh,

Although the losses of spouse and parent differ, there are some commonalities. Your input is valued and caring breaches any gap, thank you for your posts and we're sorry for your loss as well.

[niamh]

thank you for such kind words KayC, I too am sorry for yours. I see every single day how it affects my Mom and I wish I could take her pain away but just like me I know there is nothing I can do to "fix" her. We just about keep each other going these days. I hope she will see brighter days someday

niamh

[Susie Q]

Dear Suzanne

It's impoprtant that you can speak frankly and truly to your doctor. Any doctor with a degree of skill will understand that it is a fairly normal reaction to feel the way you do but if you are worried about how you might be interpreted you could try using different words.

I always feel the way you do too - I didn't choose to be here to live my life this way and in the bad times I want to scream it out, but I learned early on that speakly honestly to people often scares them, upsets them or makes them uncomfortable. Mainly because they care about me.

What I tend to say now however to close and caring people is things like "I don't see any meaning in my life anymore" or "I'm struggling to find a way to go on without him here with me". It's not as confronting because it implies you are trying and that's all they want to hear to know you are as OK as anyone could expect.

You don't need to add the worry of what your doctor would do to your burden at this time. I think most doctors would understand your despair, and honestly they'd probably be more worried if you were out on the town every night...Susie Q

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[STARKISS]

Hi Suzanne R,

I first of all want to say I am sorry for your loss and that I too had these feelings but know in my heart that my loved ones would not want to see me if it meant killing myself.. They would want me to go on and finish the time of earth that I am suppose to have... My mom nearly died two or three times in her life and we were told that she could die anytime so when she got sick we thought here we go again but this time she did not make a recovery and she did die while we were on vacation... My dad who I never knew he was sick until three weeks before he actually died was a totally surpise to me... Shelley