Please Tell Me This Is Crazy ?

[LindaG]

Hello Everyone-

I've been off the site for a few months. I still check in to read but have not contributed much as things have just been ok enough to manage with local help.

I had a strange thing happen today. My husband's mother requested my thoughts on planning a large memorial for my husband in October (one year anniversary) in California in a park. For the friends and family who did not attend the funeral in 09. I have to share that my husband's family in NO WAY contributed a cent to the cost of the funeral or non insured medical expenses that have left me pretty close to the bone. Now they want me to fly to California from Boston and help throw a memorial? That would be excrutiating to say the least for me to attend? Am I crazy ??? or is this crazy?? Could this woman really be that insensitive? Every friend Joe and I had - either was here or has called and written to me. We had lived in California when we met so we have alot of friends there but the people she is concerned over are her brothers and sisters (cousins) who did not attend or have been in contact. Do I attend a dog and pony show to make these inconsiderate people feel better about taking a year to offer condolences?

I'm ranting - but it is so selfish a request that I am livid. Please let me know if anyone else has experienced similar behavior and what have you done?

Thank you and I hope everyone that got me thru on this site this winter is doing ok now.

- Linda G

[nats]

Linda,

I can say if my wifes family in Kentucky wanted to have a memorial there I'd say first, are you nuts you want me to relive that, no you all had your chance to attend her "Life Celebration" in Florida as I gave ample time...then OK fine I'll send you the DVD

of the picture slide show but I will not be attending...not being mean that's just my thoughts and opinion, it's not fair to you also to even ask such a thing, maybe I'm wrong....

NATS

[love]

Hi Linda,

My name is Becky and I did have a simlar thing happen when my dad passed in 2008. He passed in Jan of 2008 and then that summer my uncle wanted to had a memorail in the summer for all that could not attend. In April I had another uncle pass(my dad's brother) which their resting places were in the same place. But there was nothing about having anything for him. which to me was very offensive. why not do it for all. any way this was going to be a Family reunion also. Which when questioned a little more about it, it was turning into a revival. The hair on the back of my neck stood up at that. (not all the family are the same religion) Anyway to make a long story short. I could not afford to go back out.( from Missouri to Colorado) which I would not of done anyway. I was still hurting and to have that hurt opened up again I couldn't do it. My sister, who lives in Calif, didn't go either and my brother that lives right there in Colo. didn't go. Even if they had offered to pay my way I would not have gone. Which by the way no one offered to do. I live on a set-income and still have a 15 yr. to raise. People can be so insentitive to other peoples feelings.

I would say no to the dog and pony show( I like that ,it says it all.) If they want to do that let them, but you have done your time.

Prayers,

Becky

(Love)

[mlg]

A lot of people have something every year on the anniversary and it comforts them. Some have a flower planting, a special supper, but this seems a little extravagant. I would tell them that you cannot afford the airline ticket and other expenses and do not feel that you can relive the "visitation and after the funeral dinner", that you are still to raw. I will almost guarantee that they won't like this but you are the one who has to survive. They didn't care enough to buy a plane ticket to come see you so why should you do the reverse and put yourself through hell.

[LindaG]

Since posting this question to all of you this afternoon, I have spoken with my Mom and Dad and my best friend..... each have responded in complete disbelief. Joe was 39 when he died - suddenly of a heart attack - no warning. Not to say my journey is more difficult than anyone elses but I am in no way shape or form ready for another "wake". I visit Joe at the cemetary once a week and have a converssation. We will have a memorial mass said each year but beyond that - I can't open that door to what I went thru last year or I won't come out of it in one piece.

Thank all of you for your considerate responses - as always it helps me to understand what I am feeling - as most of this is so strange still.

I appreciate your time and words.

- Linda G

[kath]

I agree with what's been said. If it doesn't make you feel better to be involved, pull out the "Widow card" and let them know that you are just not able to do it. Let them know this has been the year from hell for you and you are just trying to get by financially and emotionally. If they need to have a memorial to help them move through their grief, support that decision, but you do not have to be the MC.

And Linda, please remember, that not everyone can understand, especially if they have not had the kind of loving relationship you shared with your husband. They weren't around when you were caring for him day to day or to understand the challenges you've had to face on your own. They may even feel this is a way to help you???? This is kind of where we become the teachers. They may not appreciate that you reject the idea, but hon, it is all about taking care of you right now. It's still new. A year is very early. If your support system is in place and your true friends have already reached out and are available to help you, continue to take care of yourself.

I don't have anything similar to compare it to. I did not attend the memorial service at the hospital my husband was at for his last few days, simply because I had no attachment to the location or the doctors. They didn't do him any favors, ya know. The thought of going made me feel even more stressed out. I'm sorry for you and all of them, that they couldn't reach out immediately. To me then, it would have made sense to remember after a year in an effort to come together again in a show of support. But, it sounds like that wasn't the case.

[Korina]

Kath took the words out of my mouth, and probably said it better.

In my case, I had my husband flown back to where he was born, to be buried beside his Dad. And I decided this on the spot, as it just seemed absolutely the right thing to do, without thinking how this could actually be accomplished. Thank God his Mom and Aunt arranged it all without any hard feelings towards me. We had the funeral there. And then, 3 months later, I had a memorial service for everyone back where we made our lives for 17 years. But 11 months later, I cannot contemplate arranging that all over again. And I know his family would not want to go through that again. I will mark the occasion in my own way, and be happy to survive the day.

I would decline, but as kindly as you can, as you cannot be sure what their motivation is. Take care of yourself!

Korina

[kayc]

Linda,

No, you're not crazy, she is to think you'd do her bidding. If it were me I would politely tell her that I am barely making ends meet and have NO money to fly, let alone foot the bill for another service, but you will quietly support her from your home as she does so with her brothers and sisters. We don't have to jump through family's hoops just because they make demands. And don't feel guilty either, your husband would understand and he'd be upset that his family never helped out and tried to presume upon you. You do what you need to in order to survive. Also, the first year anniversary of the death is difficult enough without added pressure. Find a way to quietly commemorate him on your own, fix his favorite dinner, burn a candle, plant a bush, something that you can do that has meaning to you. And Linda, I'm sorry they're trying to put this on you, don't let them. ((((hugs)))

Kay

[Sharon3]

When I hear things like this it makes me somewhat okay that I have not heard from my husband's family since they left my house on Xmas Eve. I don't think you owe anyone explanations. You say what you are comfortable saying but you are not crazy. We learned a lot of horrible lessons through the loss of our beloved spouses and noone can know that specific pain except us. The only one you are accountable to is you and your husband and he would know that you do not need this. To me its like saying you have to go to Church in order to be a Christian. When people are unable to attend the service there are other ways of paying their respects and it doesn't mean flying to them and holding a service so they can feel good. As my Counsellor would say...... Don't waste your energy on this.....

Take care..Sharon