Suzanne R. Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 One of Danny's sisters who I call and we can talk for a good 2 hours sometimes is very good to me because of the love she had for her brother for his entire life (and me for 39 years). The same is true for his other 3 sisters. My siblings and all of our nieces and nephews and Dan's whole family grieved with me at the wake and all said if I want to talk, if I want to go out, if I need anything, to call. And I do love them all for that, but I figure if I'm depressed and I call them then why have 2 people be depressed. The thing is it seems to me that no one truly understands. Nobody gets it. Dan's sister said to me to get my hair done, get some new clothes, she's happy when I tell her that someone gave me flowers from the family gatherings I've attended, because she wants me to do nice things for myself. Flowers on my table is not going to make me feel happy. I can only speak the way I really feel with very few people. She gets upset when I say I'm just waiting for God to call me. Other people have too. They can only imagine what its like living alone without the love of their spouse, and they all think I'm actually going to feel better when I do nice things for myself, when I get my hair done, or go out to take a walk. Give me a freaking break, I say to myself. That is not going to do anything for me, its not going to make me feel better or make me happy. Some have told me to remember good times. Are they kidding me?? This really ticks me off, because if I were to do this, this means that the farther away I get from the day he died which was on January 22, the more of a memory he would be and I don't want him to be a memory. People can say anything they want, but that's how I feel. And I can only say that here. This is why I'm posting this right now, because I know you all understand like no one else can. I don't want Danny to be a memory. It is still very difficult to look at his pictures. I'm in the process of finding a counselor, I've heard that it helps others, but I'm just doing what I need to do each day but I'll never ever be satisfied with Danny being a memory. It must be wonderful for others when they remember their spouses and smile. Remembering good days with Danny doesn't do that for me, as I am unable to remember him with fondness of the past and smile. To me this is inconceivable. I don't care what it says in the grief books, and doing grief work. At least I'm not hysterical at the moment, but I'm calmly just stating a fact. I can only come here and reveal these deep secrets that no one else seems to get and I want you all to know how much of a relief and how grateful I am that I can say that and no one will get angry with me or will not say, "Oh, don't say that." So, thank you all and may we all have peace somehow. God bless, Suzanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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