Only Those Who Experienced This Can Understand.

[Suzanne R.]

One of Danny's sisters who I call and we can talk for a good 2 hours sometimes is very good to me because of the love she had for her brother for his entire life (and me for 39 years). The same is true for his other 3 sisters. My siblings and all of our nieces and nephews and Dan's whole family grieved with me at the wake and all said if I want to talk, if I want to go out, if I need anything, to call. And I do love them all for that, but I figure if I'm depressed and I call them then why have 2 people be depressed. The thing is it seems to me that no one truly understands. Nobody gets it. Dan's sister said to me to get my hair done, get some new clothes, she's happy when I tell her that someone gave me flowers from the family gatherings I've attended, because she wants me to do nice things for myself. Flowers on my table is not going to make me feel happy. I can only speak the way I really feel with very few people. She gets upset when I say I'm just waiting for God to call me. Other people have too. They can only imagine what its like living alone without the love of their spouse, and they all think I'm actually going to feel better when I do nice things for myself, when I get my hair done, or go out to take a walk. Give me a freaking break, I say to myself. That is not going to do anything for me, its not going to make me feel better or make me happy. Some have told me to remember good times. Are they kidding me?? This really ticks me off, because if I were to do this, this means that the farther away I get from the day he died which was on January 22, the more of a memory he would be and I don't want him to be a memory. People can say anything they want, but that's how I feel. And I can only say that here. This is why I'm posting this right now, because I know you all understand like no one else can. I don't want Danny to be a memory. It is still very difficult to look at his pictures. I'm in the process of finding a counselor, I've heard that it helps others, but I'm just doing what I need to do each day but I'll never ever be satisfied with Danny being a memory. It must be wonderful for others when they remember their spouses and smile. Remembering good days with Danny doesn't do that for me, as I am unable to remember him with fondness of the past and smile. To me this is inconceivable. I don't care what it says in the grief books, and doing grief work. At least I'm not hysterical at the moment, but I'm calmly just stating a fact. I can only come here and reveal these deep secrets that no one else seems to get and I want you all to know how much of a relief and how grateful I am that I can say that and no one will get angry with me or will not say, "Oh, don't say that." So, thank you all and may we all have peace somehow.

God bless,

Suzanne

[kath]

Hi, Suzanne.

You are so right about all those things being inconceivable. Doing nice things for yourself isn't going to make you feel better. At this stage, the only thing that could would be to have your precious Dan back. I'm sorry that can't happen. What people don't get are those special things are what our spouses did for us. Sure, we can do them, but the reason and the meaning is lost. I hope some day you can get to a point where you buy yourself flowers, not so much to help lift your mood, but because you love them and they match your mood. It takes a really, really long time before that can even be imagined. The lonliness is excrutiating. It doesn't change overnight and some days you just have to hang on for the ride. White knuckles and all.

I hope,too that Bob is never just a memory. I don't see how that can happen. He is so much a part of me that he is my subconscious and my thought process and when I think of him, he is my heart. High school is a memory. But your spouse, is a part of you. He always will be. The smile comes from re-living the love you felt when you think of him. The joy does come because love has a way of infecting those moments. But they become you, truly, in a way that only you can define.

I was thinking today, how it would have been so much easier if we had hated each other. But we didn't. We fit perfectly together and were the best with each other. I still carry the best of Bob with me every day. It certainly isn't how I planned it and it most definitely isn't how I want it to be. But I wouldn't have traded all those years for something less.

Wishing you roses,

Kath

[Billw]

Hi Suzanne, I've been posting a couple weeks now. I lost my wife to cancer in April this year. I am having a pretty bad time of it right now. It doesn't seem to matter what I do for my self or others the pain is very raw and very real right now. I found a counselor that deals specifically with trauma and grief, I go as often as I can, it seems to have given me some relief (very briefly) I'm not expecting a magic cure for this because I know there isn't one. I sure do relate to the frustration with family advice on how to get over this and just move on. What a joke!! I would give everything I have for one more minute with my wife. This loneliness is unbearable at times. I just went in to go to bed and fell completely apart for the fourth or fifth time since I got home today. I hate this, thank God we have a place to come where others feel the same pain and wish nothing but hope and recovery for one another. I have no advice for anyone else, only hope for better days for all of us. Hope you're doing o.k.... I'm gonna try to head back to bed.

BW

[Korina]

Though I had not thought of it as Kath describes, she is so right in saying that our spouse will never be just a memory. He/she is and always be a part of our being.

This is a long, very difficult road we are on, one that we have no choice in being on. The best we can do early on is put one foot in front of the other, and survive from one day to the next.

Take care,

Korina

[Korina]

Though I had not thought of it as Kath describes, she is so right in saying that our spouse will never be just a memory. He/she is and always be a part of our being.

This is a long, very difficult road we are on, one that we have no choice in being on. The best we can do early on is put one foot in front of the other, and survive from one day to the next.

Take care,

Korina

[niamh]

hi Suzanne,

I am glad you at least have some outlet to be able to be 100% honest without anyone asking you to not say how you feel. I feel so much similar as always when I read your posts. I overheard my Mom on the phone last week telling my Aunt she was having such a bad week all she wanted was to be with my Dad. She would never tell me that and I would never tell her it's how I feel aswell. I guess neither of us wants to hurt the other saying it. I'm sure maybe she knows deep down that I too feel the same.

Besides my dearest friends on this site also grieving for the Dad's my Mom is the one person who has a good idea of what I am missing because I live at home, she knows all the simple little things now gone, now missing from our everyday life.

I too find I have stopped telling most friends how badly I wish I could fast forward time and just go be with my Dad. I've had the reactions too of don't say that, I won't let you talk like that. Yet they should realise I am still here, I have not done anything about it and wouldn't dream of it, I hang on by a thread for my dear Mom. So they should just let me say how I feel. Their words cannot change my feelings. I do have one friend who has learned so much about grief from me and has told me that so many times she's wanted to tell me not to say something but she doesn't because I've told her that it is part of it all and it means so much that she will just listen when I say it without trying to fix it.

Someone else told me I should make myself do something, go somewhere even if I don't want to, that it might help. This conversation almost went to a full blown argument but I pulled back, got very upset and just told her this is something I have to learn to live with. Forcing myself to do something is certainly not something I intend to do. I simply told her getting out of bed and going to work is HUGE for me, meeting a friend, talking to a friend on the phone is HUGE for me and if that's as much as I can do for now so be it so they're gonna have to get used to it.

And so all this is also for you, you are still here, you are still alive and that in itself I think is one HUGE achievement given the amount of pain, suffereing and loneliness. I guess its so hard for people who haven't lived it to realise how something so simple to them is suddenly now so major for us.

I do get flowers for my Mom regularly, I give her money to go enjoy lunch out or if she is getting her hair done I'll give her money towards it. It was something my Dad did regularly, leaving her a little note to go off and enjoy herself while we would be at work. It brings her a smile for a few seconds. I know it doesn't take away her pain but I will still do it. I absolutely hate seeing the pain and emptiness she feels but I am fully aware that I cannot take it away and I know she hates to see me with such pain aswell but she knows she cannot take mine away. It's just such a vicious circle.

I also still cannot remember good times, or look at photos but I need to as my Mom wants to get memoriam cards so I have to find some nice photos.I am almost physically sick at the thoughts of memoriam cards, headstones (we haven't even started looking yet). The only thoughts I have all the time of my Dad are about how much I miss him, how much I need him, how badly my Mom needs him and how much we just simply want him back. I don't want him to be a memory, it's like memories are not REAL living things. I like to think he is somewhere else, in some afterlife still living just in a form I cannot comprehend now. I also think he has to be around me, he cannot have left me here all alone. The love and bond has to have just changed, not broken. But I have trouble with all now because I feel I need hard proof which I know I won't ever get here. But I just long for the day and hope for the day I feel his presence around me. I just keep thinking he loved me too much to just be gone completely. It's the only thing that can happen now coz no matter how much I wish he could come back, no matter how many times I scream at God to give him back to me, I know deep down it's not gonna happen.

So I hope for you too, and all of you here that someday you will sense your loved ones around you, it has to be comforting, there has to be something about knowing and feeling that our loved ones are always with us but we just can't seem them. That's all so very different from just memories .

well, much love, hugs and comfort to each of you,

niamh

[kayc]

Suzanne,

I am very fortunate in that my sisters and kids don't try to downplay my feelings, but you're right, we do try not to say something very often because why make others down? But this is the perfect place to come and share our feelings where we won't have people trying to talk us out of our feelings, but who understand so completely. I too am grateful for this place.

[SHeiss]

Suzanne,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Danny. But I am very glad that you can use this site to grieve the way you want to grieve. We all need that. I know that our situations are a little different but I can't agree with you more. I am so sick and tired of my friends and family telling me that I need to be happy or go out and do something rather than staying home or wherever my dad is. They do not understand how this feels. As of late it is making me so mad that I have started saying things about it to these people. I love them... but the next person who tells me that I need to "get out" or that I need to be happy I swear I am going to hit them. How can one be happy when their dad is wasting away in front of them. Even when I try it seems to come back to him. How is it fair or even okay for me to "be happy" when my dad is suffering and in pain and dying. I just want to be mean to these people because it feels like they are being mean and heartless by saying that I need to be happy or get out of the house.

I am so sorry. I wish I could help in any way possible to alleviate your pain. If you ever need to be 100% honest with your feelings, we are all here to listen.

Much love to you Suzanne. You are in my thoughts.

Sharla

[Cheryl]

Although I would never act on a suicidal thought. I now understand the feeling of wanting to die. I miss Mark so much that a often wish with all my heart that God would take me too. I have two kids and I sometimes feel that I am not capable of being a good mom any longer. You are normal and of course getting your nails or hair done won't make you happy! I have found that sometimes it does help fill the time and it forces me out of the house. The nail lady doesn't know my pain and I don't have to explain how I feel today.Then I go home and pour a small glass of wine and put on a sad song and cry.You are not alone! We all feel so similar!

[closs86]

Hi Suzanne,

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband of 44 years in April, I know the feeling of wanting to go with him, and I do all the time, I also wouldn't do anything to myself but I wish the time would be here, I just want to be with him again, but I have to say that for the first month I didn't feel him around me, then all of a sudden I did, I kept asking him to come to me and stay with me until it is time for me to go, and I do feel his presence, he is with me all the time, I talk to him alot, I wish that it was like it was before, but we can't change that, so I just can't see him but he is here. This is a great place to express yourself, I know that people just don't get it, they do say silly things, but I think it is because they just don't know what to say, they would be better off saying nothing. Half of us is gone, never to return, so sad

Take care of yourself

Karen