Funeral Over - Now What?

[melina]

Thanks for your supportive words before my husband's funeral. I can barely remember what happened other than there was a lot of crying. Lots of hugs and "you know we're there for you", some food - and then we're left alone. No word from anyone since.

It's quiet here. Three of my sons and one daughter-in-law will be leaving in a couple of weeks to continue their studies. Our youngest, the 19 year old, will be here still. It would be almost easier to be completely alone so I wouldn't have to help him with his pain and grief as well. Seeing the pain in my sons' eyes is almost worst than my own pain.

I get panic attacks with sobbing when I go to bed, then panic attacks when I wake up. In between I'm just existing. I should do something, but I can't seem to get up off my butt. We just moved into this house in June and had big plans for fixing it up - we were looking forward to doing it together. Now I don't even know if I can afford to stay here - let alone fix it up. I don't know where to go, what to do. I feel like I'm just going to exist and then finally be released to death so I can be with him again.

Melina

[nats]

Melina,

I know the pain you are feeling today it's been 6 months today since my wife Ruth joined God, it is hard but we are incredible creations our mind controls and decides what happens next, we can choose to fight and go on or give up, I'm positive he would have wanted you to go on, you just take things at your pace right now take as much time as you need, many people (friends and family) think once the funeral, memorial or whatever is over that makes it final and finished like a movie or TV show we all know that's not the case, that for many is just the start, but you have no deadlines and no rush just be good to yourself he would want that, I have thought so much if the tables were turned on my side, I would want Ruth to continue not just and waste away being sad and lonley....and with the new special friendship I have with Brenda I have already thought about that, I would want her to go just as she has since losing her husband 13 months ago...I am an example God works in his own way the way Brenda has just came into my life, we never know what God has in store for us, but never enough we can not handle and if it gets to rough just fully turn your heart, mind, body, and soul to the Lord and he will provide comfort....my prayers are with all the grieving spouses everywhere as we heal and discover our life without our loved one....

May God Bless Us All....

NATS

[Billw]

Hi Melina, I am really sorry to hear about the hard times you are having. I am one person of many on this site that can totally relate to every thought, emotion, and feeling that you are experiencing right now. It is very overwhelming and like you said, after the service is over and the dust kinda settles the whole thing becomes a blur. You are probably getting tired of hearing how important it is to take care of yourself right now physically as well as mentally if possible. I had my doubts and concerns about what to do with the house and all the other things that are part of this nightmare and I think the most helpful advice I took was to pick one thing off the pile each day to try and work on. Some days it got done and some days it didn't, the point was to try and keep moving in some sort of direction. Some days doing nothing is the right direction. My wife has been gone since April and I miss her so bad I can't stand it at times, the anxiety at first was unbearable at times. All I can tell you is to hang in there and stay close to those that give comfort whether it is at home or here. I thank God every day for our two boys they are one part of their mother that still lives on here on earth, I keep them close and our relationship has been strengthened by the events of the last year and a half. I'll be thinking about you and keep you in my prayers today, I hope you feel better..............BW

[Deb625]

Hi Melina, I lost my Michael 3 months ago tomorrow at the age of 45. I understand that the quiet after the funeral is done is deafening and the support and phone calls do subside, everyone seems to go back to their lives and I feel we are left in the fog which is now our new existence. All I can say is to keep reaching out for support of your family and friends you'll probably be the one who has to ask for support, as unfortunately, we don't get what we don't ask for - people just don't understand, unless they have gone through this grief, but I know they do want to help and will help if asked. Even if it is someone to sit with or talk to or just go for a walk... Anything to get outside of our own heads for just a little while can be good. Another sugggestion a friend made to me was to write what I was feeling on paper and then burn the paper. I know I was blessed to have 2 friends overseas, outside of the immediate chaos, that I just kept writing to usually in the wee hours when I couldn't sleep, and luckily enough they were supportive and kept listening as I went through the worst of it. It was nice to communicate with friends who understood (they had both lost their fathers) and weren't here. Just like having this group, people here all understand and listen and reading the posts of others going through the same thing also helps to realize this physical pain in our heart, this lonliness, the anxiety and sometimes anger is all normal. Take care and be gentle with yourself, if you need to talk, cry or rant, feel free to contact me anytime harmonymd@gmail.com we're all here learning together how to cope with this new life. Sincerely, Deb

[kayc]

Melina,

I know it's hard after the funeral and everyone goes home and you're left to figure out the pieces of your life. Is there anyone you can turn to that might be able to help you figure out if you can afford to stay there or if you should sell? Was there any insurance that would pay off the house? (I wasn't so lucky either) Any way the bank could consider lowering the payments? Do you have a job right now? I remember it was hard to function at work when George died and yet in a way it was kind of my saving grace too, there were supportive people there and it occupied at least so many hours a day.

We are all holding you up in prayer and you are on our hearts.

Kay

[melina]

Kayc - and everyone,

Unfortunately, we had to move from a house we'd lived in for years after my husband was diagnosed with cancer. When we bought that house we took out debt insurance. But a couple of months ago we bought a new house - but of course they wouldn't give us debt insurance because of his condition. I'll get some life insurance compensation - but not nearly enough. Money is one worry - of course - but the grief right now sort of overshadows all the practical stuff.

I talked to a grief counselor yesterday who said not to think too far into the future. Easier said than done - but I think she may be right. Each morning is a chore - just to get up, make coffee and greet my children. Then I have to start calling different places to get a few practical things taken care of. Dinner has to be bought and made. I'm lucky my kids are here - but I can't help thinking about when they leave. When winter sets in (we're in Norway where it's dark all winter, lots of snow), when I'm all alone in the evening on a stormy night. I think about the plans we made for the fall - we were going to rent a cabin and just chill out, relax together, go for walks with our dog. Next summer - we even had vacation plans. What about Christmas? How do I get through that without him? All this is gone. It's thinking about the future that really does me in - brings on the panic attacks. What am I going to do with myself the rest of my life?

What amazes me is how my own mother and siblings have reacted. They don't contact me. They send an e-mail now and then saying "thinking of you - get in touch if you need to". It's like tossing off a few phrases and hoping I won't get in touch. On the other hand - friends I hadn't expected to turn up have suddenly turned up - with food, urging me to come out on walks, etc. Sometimes water is thicker than blood.

Melina

[kayc]

Melina, that is what most of us have found both odd and true...that people that we would have expected to be there for us aren't, yet there are others we barely knew that have been there. Some people are copers, some are not, some seem to know what to say, some are clueless.

Your grief counselor is so right, try to stay right here in the now and not go too far back which invites depression and not go too far ahead which invites anxiety...today is enough for itself, that's even in the Bible. There is time enough to take care of tomorrow...right now, today, it's enough going through each moment.

We are here for you, you can tell us about your day, your fears, your triumphs, each and every thing, we'll walk with you.

I live in the mountains in Oregon and also have snow...I know what it is to worry about making it through the winter alone...last year I had my fiance on weekends, that helped alot as he could chop kindling for me and check and see what was wrong with the water pump, stuff like that, but this year my son will be away at school and my fiance dumped me so I'm alone again. But I trust God will provide somehow or another and it is HIS problem...MY job is to trust Him and do my best, HIS problem is to take care of me and meet my needs.

We're all sending you comfort and encouragement and hope you can feel our arms around you from clear around the world...and Melina, Norway? I'm jealous!

Kay

[MartyT]

Melina, dear ~ You might want to read this essay from the New York Times, posted earlier this week, Coping with Crises Close to Someone Else's Heart

[kayc]

Marty,

Thank you for sharing that with us! That was the best explanation I've run across for why some people disappear on us. When George died, it was NEW people who were there for me, the old people just dissipated. I'm saving that article!

Kay

[Billw]

Hang in there Melina, we are all here for you. It is way easier said than done to stay out of the future and in today. I have a hard time living a minute at a time some days let a lone a day at a time. This site is where I found comfort at first and still do now, the people on here know the ache we feel in our hearts when we lose these soul mates and loved ones. We hear how time heals all wounds, they are in a better place, and all of these things people tell us and I don't know about you but some days I could scream. As others told me most people have nothing else to say and they do mean well I'm sure. My family is somewhat distant from this whole situation, one of my brothers checks in from time to time and my mother is clueless. Thank God for my two boys, (they are grown men) but they both get it, they have also lost someone special in their lives. They are here for me as much as anyone could be at this point and I am there for them, luckily we all don't feel like crap on the same day usually so there is always one to comfort the others. I know I have been blessed to have spent the time with this woman and to share something truly special in my life, I am also having a hard time getting adjusted and still can't get my head around this thing sometimes. I stick close to positive people who offer comfort and solutions and try to give the rest to God, some days it works and some days are just as you described earlier. I pray we all find peace and contentment again in our lives. Until then, please take care and stay close to people that care about you.....................BW