Hard To Get Back To Normal Routine

[jg2010]

It's been almost 6 weeks since my mother died, and I'm at the point where people are expecting me to be "over it." I haven't much liked talking about it anyway, so it doesn't bother me that people no longer ask about it. But I'm having a hard time getting back into my normal routine of work and school. When I'm in the office or in class, or even just driving or sitting at home, my mind wanders and all I can think about is that my mother is no longer on this earth. Then I wonder how I can possibly focus on anything else with that knowledge. I know my mother would want me to move on with my life, but I don't know how I can do that without her here. I keep thinking about what her last night was like and whether she felt anything or knew what was coming. I can't get that out of my mind, or thinking about how she looked and talked, and all the plans we had for the fall, and how then she just went away without any warning. How can I forget about that and concentrate on anything else? It feels like a very essential part of my just disappeared and I don't know how to live without it.

[schelly]

I know what you mean. I lost my dad four monthes ago in a couple of days. and nothing feels right. I have a huge lump in my throat unless I am around my mom or my daughters and grandkids.(then i think I just feel I have to hide it for thier sake). The only place that feels ok anymore is at mom and dad's house. I feel close to dad there.

[Ron B.]

Hi jg2010. Those thoughts about your Mom and the breaches of emotion are certainly hard to control. The grief will surface at home, at school, at work, while in transit, while you are with friends, while you are alone, and in most every other circumstance. Letting grieving thoughts and emotions surface seems to be more 'ok' when we are by ourselves. Having emotion surface while in public, on the other hand, can be awkward. So here is my suggestion. If you can, let your feelings surge without trying to control them when in private. It's healthy to give emotion some expression. It's ok to have a good cry when commuting in your car; this is not going to interfere with anything else, so long as you can still pay attention to your driving. Or when you are studying, don't force yourself to concentrate on reading texts for overly long stretches of time. Give in to thoughts of your Mom if other people are not around. Take as many short breaks as you need to, so long as a substantial portion of your time still gets committed to the work. Keeping a journal handy could be an aid to focusing your grief, so it doesn't constantly stray into other domains where you have obligations.

Public expression of emotion, on the other hand, is rougher going. We are more likely to enforce composure over loose emotions so they don't spill out uncontrollably. Restraint in public expression of emotion is entirely natural, but total restraint is overboard; we just can't bottle everything up. So you are doing very well if you just express yourself honestly, if only briefly. This will ease some of your grief. I personally have a very difficult time talking about feelings or opening up to other people. My stomach gets in knots, I get slightly confused, and I just want to bail out of any interaction as soon as possible. Nevertheless, when someone actually understands and shares my feelings, it feels like a God-sent cure for grief. Other people are definitely part of the solution.

What I am saying is don't forget about your Mom at all. Don't treat these thoughts and emotions as 'intrusive'. Give them expression, at least in your private life. It's even better when you can share some of your grief with others. We all develop strategies for coping; you will find your own style. Marty here calls the effort we make 'grief work'. It involves systematic practice doing things we know will foster our recovery, even when it's a struggle. At 6 weeks your grief is raw; I think 3 months tends to be the time when we start gaining confidence and clarity. The progress we make is less about gaining control over grief and more about finding expression for grief. That's the cure, as best I understand it.

Ron B.

[misswavy]

It will be 3 months on Monday, Sept. 6 since my mom left us. I still feel so lost and empty without her, but I have no choice but to go to work, mingle with my family, etc. No one at works ever brings it up either. Its as if nothing has happened to me mentally and emotionally, but they don't understand. I read someplace where we have to go through all the seasons (so basically a year) and our grieving may become somewhat better. I am dreading winter and Christmas, but somehow with God's strength we will get through it all. I feel so horrible for my dad since they werer married for 58 1/2 years and he was basically her care giver. That breaks my heart so I'm trying to be strong for him. Sometimes being strong is SO HARD! Hang in there! This site sure has helped me to know there's other people going through this.

[jg2010]

misswavy - I am also dreading the upcoming holidays without my mom. It seems like others are acting as though nothing has happened when I feel like the ground has just been pulled out from under me and nothing will ever be the same. My mother had such an inner strength and I'm trying really hard to hold on to that to keep going. I also appreciate this site and the support from everyone who knows how hard this is.

Ron B - Thank you for your suggestion of letting my feelings surge in private. When I imagine myself doing that, I already feel some relief from all the pressure inside me that feels like it's going to explode. It's so important for me to maintain my composure around others, and I think if I allow myself to give in to my feelings in private, then they won't overwhelm me so much when I'm trying to concentrate on other things. I'm really good at always finding things I need to do and reasons why I can't let myself break down at any particular moment, but it does kind of haunt me throughout the day. My grief counselor suggested that I schedule 10 minutes this week at home to focus only on my mother's death and let all my feelings out. I'm really afraid that if I do that, I'll get totally lost and won't be able to regain control. But she suggested I use a timer and end after 10 minutes so that I'm not so worried that will happen. Of course, I haven't "found time" to do that yet, but I will before the week is out. Thanks for your support.

[Ron B.]

Janet,

It's not that hard to evoke emotion. I have a collage of some 40 photos of my Mother. It was produced for her memorial service, then I acquired it. It hangs on my kitchen wall. Every single day my eyes meet my Mom whenever I prepare a meal. Her photos as a child are adorable. Her teenage years, early marriage, mid-life and later years are all there. These photos evoke emotion within me. They help me feel her legacy. To be honest about it, these photos would have been too powerful for me at 6 weeks. But at 10 months they work well.

When you are ready, something like a photo collection of your Mom may bring out the right kind of feeling. There may be other things from your Mom that make a good connection. Memorializing your Mom and bringing out her legacy is a way of dealing with the emotion that comes with grief. Don't rush anything; eventually you will find the right things at the right time.

Ron B.

[Charlotte61]

jg2010, I feel the same way you do -- that I have to stay in control or else I'll go into a complete emotional collapse or depression and not be able to get out of it. In fact, although my elderly mother only died two weeks ago, after a long illness, there have been days when I've been feeling so normal and upbeat that it frightens me. I just don't feel like I'm grieving properly -- I have cried, of course, but I cried a lot more in the days before she died, then during the days after. All I can feel most of the time now is a huge relief that Mom is no longer suffering after four years of illness, and that she's free of her sick, weak, broken-down body. No more hospital visits, no more calling the ambulance late at night, no more worrying about her falling, or what tomorrow is going to bring. I actually began grieving four years ago when Mom was first diagnosed with liver failure and we thought then that she'd only live another year or two. It was a miracle that she lasted another four years. Maybe I'm just all "grieved out" by now?

I do make time and space for myself to sit with my feelings since Mom died, but I really have to work to make myself cry. I just don't feel like crying most of the time. I feel vaguely sad and empty, but not overly grief-stricken. I cried last night when watching a sad movie about a girl whose mother was murdered, and when I was unpacking the clothes Mom had the hospital -- but I have to really work at triggering the emotions. I also do a lot of talking and writing to get things off my chest.

I've read a lot about the so-called "stages of grief" but I don't really see how this can apply universally to everyone. Everybody is an individual, and every grief experience is going to be unique depending on the relationship you had with the person, your personality, lifestyle, stage of life, health, social network, etc. Losing an elderly parent can't be the same grief experience as losing a child, for example. And losing someone after a long illness, during which you've had time to prepare yourself for the desth, can't be the same as suddenly losing someone in the prime of life. The element of shock has to be so much more pronounced in the latter scenario, and the grieving process therefore much stronger.

Anyhow, thanks for letting me ramble...I've been doing that a lot lately.

[MartyT]

Charlotte, dear ~ Your doubt about grief occurring in stages is right on. And anyone here will tell you that nothing, nothing, nothing about grief applies "universally to everyone." You may find this article of interest: What Are the Stages of Grief?

[jg2010]

Ron B – I do hope to do something similar someday. We have her service on CD and did a slideshow of photos. Right now I can’t even think about listening to or looking at them, but I hope someday I can. I would like to listen to the service sometime because it was such a beautiful celebration of her life. I’m just not ready right now. One thing that helps is wearing one of her favorite sweaters. When I put it on, it really feels like her arms are around me comforting me, and that feels so good.

Charlotte – I was actually the same way for the first few weeks after my mother’s death. It was a little different because she hadn’t been sick, and I can certainly understanding you being grateful that your mother isn’t suffering anymore. But even in my case, I was just too numb. The day I found out, and when we were planning her funeral, I had waves of violent emotion, but then wouldn’t feel anything at all. Then for about a month I was in such shock and I think my mind was protecting myself by not allowing me to think too much about the reality of it. I felt like I was sleeping walking through a lot of it, but I also kind of felt like a machine that was just going on auto pilot. By about the 5th week, which is when I first found this site, it really hit me. I still go through periods of total numbness now, but the emotion comes much more frequently and feels much more real. I’m not saying you will have the same experience. As you say, we all experience grief differently, and your situation was different. But I wouldn’t try to force anything. As painful as this is, I do feel like the stages I am going through are perfectly normal and to be expected, and I’m just going to have to experience them and do my best to stay strong. Just remember to be good to yourself and get the support you need whenever you need it.

Another thing I’m having trouble with right now is that my best friend is having her first baby in a month. Her shower is in 1 week and I want to be there for her, but anything that focuses on motherhood makes me so emotional right now. I am happy for her and I certainly don’t want to make her feel bad about anything, but I can’t help thinking that I want my mother here and I want her to meet my children.

[Shaka403]

I stumbled on this website through reading an article, and am very glad I did. I lost my mom 3 months ago, and things have been WEIRD to say the least. She had been battling cancer for almost 3 yrs., but it always seemed under control until the last 6 months. I just never believed that we would lose her because we had come so far, and my faith was so strong. So when doctors said there was nothing more to do it was a shock. After that things went down hill super fast, and she was gone within 2 weeks. I am thankful that I had a chance to tell her goodbye, and be with her, but none the less it hasn't made it any easier after the fact. I have also found it hard to get back to normal...I'm not sure that you can since normal is no longer normal. Things are just so weird. I find myself doing really well overall, but then I find that I am frustrated easily, or just somewhat withdrawn. There's a part of me that wants to be around my friends, but then I just seem to stay away more. The first month after her death I would cry almost everyday on my commute home from work, or at night before bed. I have never felt so out of control of my emotions! I feel that I am doing well now because I am very busy, but I still have BAD days. I even recently went through some anger because I feel very cheated. It's hard to lose someone who has been with you all your life. I feel very lost. I didn't realize how much I needed or went to my mom for things. Even little things like how to do certain things....mom's always know! I can really relate to how you feel about feeling like people think we should be over it by now. They probably don't really think that, but it's the perception I get. I am one who rarely cries in front of others. The rock is what my mom called me. So I hide my emotions a lot. But sometimes I just want to scream "I'm not ok, this sucks!" It's hard to relate this to people who haven't been there. I have lost a lot of people in my life unfortunately, but this is completely different. You can't understand it unless you've been there. I guess I really don't have much advice for you, but just that talking with others who understand may bring some comfort...sometimes I just want to talk about it, but feel like others don't want to hear it, or that it makes them uncomfortable. Probably just my own weird thoughts, but none the less that's how I feel. I have to say it was nice reading this thread and seeing that others have a lot of the same feelings I do. Sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling, and even feel bad sometimes when I have been doing good for too long. She wouldn't want that for sure.Well, anyway enough of my rambling. I think this has helped me some just to get some of these thoughts out. I am so sorry for everyone's loss, and that we even have to be here at all. Time will heal our open wounds, but the scar will always be our reminder!

[afain1]

Ron B. that's good advice. Actually I have photos of my mom all over, her at all ages. I use her things, wear her night gowns. Sorry if that's weird but it makes me feel "her" still. It's been 7 months since she passed and I make sure that everyday I smile at her photos.

[misswavy]

This sounds EXACTLY how I feel. I lost my mom 3 months ago also, and I know my life will never be the same or feel normal again. I am in a very hard place right now and NO ONE GETS ME! I feel so lost and empty. Some days I feel like I just go throug the motions, which I'm sure I do. The people on here are so understanding and kind! I think we will just learn to adjust, but we will never be the same again!