Missing Nick

[linsey]

I am having a hard time this week. I thought I had my feelings somwhat undercontrol. Hunting season started and nick loved to hunt. I can see him in all camo so excited like a kid at christmas. He would send me text messaged the whole time he was out. I used to complain about watching those hunting shows now I would give anything to be snuggled on the couch watching with him. I miss him so much. I am so affraid nick did not know how much he ment to me.His parents had a hard time excepting that he did not have much time left they did not like the fact i was getting him hospice care. They came to my house one night as i was giving nick his pain medication as the nurse told me to do, for some reason they thought this was harming nick not the cancer.They made it seem like my fault he was dying I am so affraid that they made nick think that. he could not talk well but could still hear us talk to him. I know it sounds crazy but it just goes through my head every day i would have changed places with him if i could I wish we could have had more time there is so much i want to tell him.

[Lainey]

Linsey,

I know how you are feeling. Lars used to carve in the kitchen while I was cooking or puttering. How I wish that there would be wood chips to clean up!

I'm sure that Nick knew the meds you were giving him was not the reason he was sick. He was,I'm sure, well aware that it was the cancer causing him pain and sickness. His parents were hurting and lashed out at you. I'm sorry for that,it must have been very hard on you.

All of us on this site would happily change places with our loved ones that have left.. that is not what was planned for us. I know that I will meet up with Lars again someday, and that makes things easier to bear.

I hope you feel better soon.

Lainey

[abergsma]

I am new to this site. My husband passed very suddenly 2 weeks ago. I am having so many different emotions which I know is normal. My husband was suppose to go to stamp club last night which he loved. He helped out with the silent auction. His briefcase is still by the door. All of this is surreal. His schoolbus is not in the driveway anymore and it looks so bare.

I am still in my pjs today just can not get that one step at a time going today.

Thanks for listening.

[Mrs. B]

I to know that feeling and i still think Rick will be walking through the door when I hear i close and its been a year and a half since he has gone. I still have his coats and boots and shoes in the coat area where he left them for the last time and there they will stay till i am ready if ever to move them. His hand lotion is still on top of the fridge. The laneway is emtpy now with no big machinery that he loved to use. His payloader for moving snow. Last winter every time i seen one go by the house my heart felt like it was in my throat. His Ford 150 truck he loved that i hated cause it had his special touch to drive it. The change of seasons are still hard for me. spring is when he did all his lawn business through till the fall then he waited patiently for it to snow. I miss him so much still. Does it get easier. Might not seem like it but yes it does. Take care of yourselves. One day and one step at a time. and yes it will feel like you are taking some big ones backwards but you will catch up. Mrs.B

[kayc]

I would be willing to bet that Nick knew you were taking care of him, not harming him. His parents must have needed someone to blame and you were it. I'm sorry. It's too bad they can't appreciate you for who you were to Nick and be supportive of you in your grief...maybe they are the type that can't share, but that is their problem.

Replay this message in your head...you loved him and you did your best for him...and he knew that.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[MZM]

Linsey, its amazing how we all are/were going through such similar things. Most people when they feel they have lost control over something, tend to blame others. His parents couldnt blame anyone but you... Who else could they blame? Its sad, but we will always feel the guilt when someone we love dies. In my situation, I was the last to speak to zubeir at 4:30 am (30 minutes before the accident), and got interrogated about what we had spoken about. Till today, I blame myself and keep thinking "it was my fault, I couldve said something better, something that would have changed the outcome"

Thing is ...nothing can change it... He knew how much you loved him...I too, would have traded places any day with Zubeir...I would much rather he be alive than me...

And like you, theres so much that I didnt get to say. Write to him hun...that will help...

Hugs and love

M

[Korina]

Nick absolutely knew you loved him. I asked myself the same question, and asked the chaplain who spoke to Scott, and was assured that Scott knew. Even so, I still wonder - sigh....guess that is the nature of the beast.

Take care,

Korina