Revenge!?

[MZM]

About a month before the accident a friend (also married), who I was helping/counseling during a hard time in his marriage, kissed me. To be honest, at first, I didnt push him away and even though later he texted me saying "he is sorry, but he is in love with me," I knew i was guilty for having let it get to that. His wife had seen the text and he had explained that WE kissed?!?! She called me threatening to ruin my whole life. She called my Zubeir and told him about it all. We had this huge fight and my family and his got involved. In our culture, a kiss IS the end of the world to our families. I had felt terrible for letting my love down and for letting down everyone around me down. They were all very hurt and upset and I felt terrible for the other guys marriage too.... I tried to take my own life because I couldnt handle the hurt i had caused everyone...But my Zubeir and I worked things out and we were all fine...until the accident:( Since then, the other guys wife sent me a text saying "I hope you've learnt your lesson and the world has lost amazing people...hope God helps you" to which I replied "You're right, the world has lost amazing people and if I had it my way, it should have been me..."

Now that my heads a little clearer, I hate that guy!!!! He put our gorgeous love in jeopardy because HE sent ME a text and HE kissed ME!! He couldve said "I kissed her" and he couldve dealt with his own cr@p...but he wanted to take me down with him (my mom had told me this the very first day and it didnt make sense at first!)

Last week, this woman sends her best friend to add me on Facebook but I knew....and today, I see them in traffic. I have such hatred in me...and I want her to know that I was not the cause. He turned to me...he said horrible stuff about her! I want her to know that I am not the problem here. I want revenge!!!!! I've lost the love of my life:( and he is fine! I hate him!!!!! What do i do?? I know he didnt cause the accident, but he ruined the last few weeks of my love's life:( I feel so guilty and terrible today!

[Lindakay]

I read a book by a shrink. He wrote a series of non fiction starting with Many Lives, Many Masters It offends no religions. It's about reincarnation and regressing to see your former lives. It states that we all have a lesson to learn

from a former life. Cut your life short/accident or intentional. You have to repeat it to learn your lesson.

Mine is revenge. I have to learn to let it go. I must have been murdered to want to avenge. I hate when guilty people go unpunished.I could tell you a 100 witty cutting things to tell her to back her off but ignoring her is the best. Know that you were sorry it happened and had no intent. It's just a coinccident(sp?) that your love died. Just be right with yourself and stay tight with your family and your friends. She isn't one. He was a coward to include you with his fantasy. Perhaps he wanted to scare his wife with another woman for reasons of his own. Maybe you were his fantasy and he wasn't yours. If you worked it out with your husband then it is all right. It wasn't god's punishment it was a tradegdy.

A kiss is not sleeping with someone.Tell yourself they don't exist anymore and move on. He was the guilty one/not you.

I was married 33 years and we never went out on each other. Two years after we narried, a first lover came to see me at work. We had a coke together and talked. He wanted to start seeing me again and kissed me. I told him I could never go out on mine. He understood. I passed the test. At the same timing a former lover of my husband ran into him and offered to take him home, he said he could never go out on me. He passed the test. We told each other aaboit the offeres 33 years later. No guilt. His kiss wasn't asked for or exchanged with promises. It just happened with you and in my case me. Move on for your sanity. LindaKay

[MZM]

Thank you Linda Kay. Such wise words! You're right, I can tell her 100 different things, but, it wont change anything. It will make me feel better only for a little while, but to go through that whole thing with them again, will just take me away from the quiet grieveing I am going through to a "war" with them. You're right, I should just ignore her...

I do still feel like ive been punished though:( that because I comforted another person without Zubeir knowing and letting it get to a stage where that person fell for me and kissed me, is the reason why I am suffereing. I mean, how did i go from being in hospital for attempted suicide for one week and then 3 weeks later, him and 3 other people die in a car accident. Oh this guilt is killing me, seriously:( Thats why i feel like i need to take that man down! You're also right about him "wanting to scare his wife with another woman for reasons of his own" coz when I asked him why he had said "we" and admitted to it so easily, he said that he wanted her to know. YET, he didnt tell her about how he said so many things about her and how he would call me on a daily basis until i had put a stop to it. He didnt tell her that he wished she would give him a divorce. No, instead he said "WE kissed" and that the text was based on infactuation. Coward, you're right. Grrr i am so angry, but I know that by telling her things to get at him/them that it wont bring my love back:(

Thank you lindakay for talking some sense into me...

Lots of love

[kayc]

Perhaps he wanted to minimize his culpability by including you. Whatever HIS reason, it doesn't matter. Whatever HIS wife thinks, doesn't matter. Whatever YOUR husband/family thought, is past. Right now is what you need to deal with, yesterday can't be changed...let it go. I don't think it's healthy to have ties with them now, block them on your Facebook and don't view what's going on with them, it only drags out the feelings. Revenge is never sweet...not to anyone, it is a double edged sword that hurts you back. Your best bet is to move forward and lessen their power over you. Thank God, their problems are not yours.

[linsey]

I know it is hard but you have to try to forgive.You will drive yourself crazy blaming yourself and others.You are going through enough hate is a poison. I lost nick five months ago I knew his cancer was back he was sick but he just did not want to go see his doctor,I wish I would have pushed him harder to go. When he finally did it was to late there was nothing they could do. I think of all the could haves and should haves and it kills me.I can not change it now and neither can you. You stayed together your love must have been strong. Just remember no one is perfect!

[Perkins808]

I also think that you should try to forgive. I found the following in an article I read a while back:

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

I had found this after my husband Jeff and I had a discussion about forgiveness. His first wife had cheated on him....and then ultimately left him and his girls for this other man. Shortly after Jeff and I had gotten engaged, he forgave her. I couldn't understand how he could ever forgive her....and he pretty much told me what I later found in the above article. Jeff didn't forgive her because he excused her behavior. He forgave her for his own mental wellbeing - he told me that hating her, not forgiving her would only take up energy that he could otherwise devote to OUR relationship. That's when the lightbulb went off for me. I understood where he was coming from - hating her was a waste of energy. By eliminating the hate, he was able to make space for so many more positive things.

I hope in your case you are able to let this go.....and find something positive to grasp onto during this very difficult time in your life.

Hugs,

Tammy

[MZM]

Thanks you all. KayC, you're right, I have to focus on now, and getting through this grief...theres no use in letting them (the past) get to me. As of now, they are dead to me. You're so right in that these things just drag out feelings (unnecessary ones) and by moving forward, it can only lessen the power they have over me. When they "interfere" I will ignore... I am so glad that their problems arent mine, even though I am going through so much. Im just glad Ive decided to not let them add to that...

Linsey, I have been driving myself crazy and the guilt is driving me crazy. There is no point in it... And i feel those should haves and could haves so much....but like you say, we cant change it:(

Tammy,

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

Its like you found that just for me! How appropriate and true..Being angry is a waste of my energy...and i need that energy now more than ever with all this hurt of having lost zubeir..

Thank you all!! lots of love, M

[kayc]

MZM:

This is from a post I'd responded to in my marriagebuilders.com forum...

Forgiveness has nothing to do with thinking the wrong was "okay". Forgiveness is as much for you as it is for the WS. Forgiveness is not necessarily deserved or earned, for if that were the case, all divorced spouses would go on harboring resentment. Restoration of the marriage is another matter, and for obvious reasons, changes need to be made or you will find yourself back in the same situation again. Amends cannot be made for certain wrongs, the best some people can do is demonstrate remorse and change. Forgiveness is an action that has a beginning point and continues, as a process. Forgiveness is neither cheap nor easy. Oftentimes we need to ask God for help in giving forgiveness, understanding it is much like a faith-action...we give it, and the feelings associated with forgiveness follow. It helps to realize our own fallibility in extending forgiveness, we need to understand that we too have had a need of forgiveness, perhaps not of this particular wrong, but of others. Forgiveness is separate and apart from requiring accountability, which is also a necessary action.

I've had to go back and reread my own words a few times and it's always helped me.

Kay

[Korina]

So many words of wisdom in this thread, and I wholeheartedly agree. Forgiveness is so much better for your own mental well-being! I love all the advice I have read here.

Korina

[sunstreet]

Dear MZM, I am so sorry that you were at such a place of despair that you attempted to take your own life. I am so grateful that you were not successful. I encourage you to let yourself feel the hate, the anger, but not to let it destroy you. I encourage you to bring yourself back to the fact that you were blessed to have loved and been loved. No-one's behavior, words, can alter that fact. To err is human, to forgive is devine.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[MZM]

Thank you Carol anne

[nats]

MZM,

I was told by a very wise man once "you must be able to forgive, if you are to be forgiven".....with that said I'm sure you'll decide what's best for you....I pray you will find some peace and answers.....

NATS