How Do I Get Through Birthdays, Xmas, New Years, Valentines Etc

[MZM]

I had to go through eid and that was okay coz I just slept through it. Next month, on the 3rd, is his birthay...he wouldve only been 26! How do i get through it, when birthdays were such a big deal to us. We planned weekends away and made it such a grand event. I thought of going to the grave for the first time...but how do i visit my love on his birthday at his grave??? Then theres Xmas and New Year - when we kissed at 12 midnight 2010, we said that this was going to be "our year." It was our best new years ever as we were together on a cruise ship in Mauritius (although every new year we were together since we met 3.5 years ago) - a huge party, and now "our" year is no longer:(

I just want to sleep through all the holidays and birthdays!

[Kat2005]

All of the firsts were difficult for me also. Somehow, we make it through them. I felt I needed to do something for each of them so I decided to get balloons. I went to the cemetary and let them go and watched till I couldn't see them anymore. I think that will be the way I will celebrate those special days from now on. The one thing that I did learn was how to say "no". I was always concerned about hurting people's feelings. If I wasn't in the mood to celebrate and I wanted to stay home I did. You need to do whatever it is that will get you through them. Family and friends will understand.

Take care, Kat

[Cheryl]

Every first is hard. On the big holidays I found the need to try to keep tradition and try to keep things the way they were before. It was too painful to try and do things diffrent. My kids and I needed to feel like we didn't have to give up the things we had always done as a family. This year I'm feeling the opposite. I think I need to try a few new things. For thanksgiving I think we will try to go with friends rather than cook for ourselves. It was very hard not having him help me stuff the bird and make the stuffing. Although we did okay I think this year would be masocistic to do it again. I love cooking my own bird so I think I'll do it a week before or a week after but without the hoopla of the big day.

For birthdays and anniversaries I have made it a point to celebrate with close friends and family in a memorial type of way. For Mark's birthday we got a small group together and made his favorite dinner and dessert. We talked about missing him and funny things he did. It was better than being alone and it helped me to hear other people share memories of him.

We had our normal easter party and I made a story board of pictures that we sat on a table for people to come by and look at. We lit a candle next to it and it helped break the ice to talk about him. I included pictures from when the kids were little and we all laughed at them.

I think everyone is unique and there isn't a best way to do anything. What has helped me might be too painful for others. But the worst thing would be to not face the painful feelings and ignore the day or event. Even if I choose to be all alone on a memorble day I think I would need to grieve for what I can't have anymore.

[MartyT]

I encourage all our members to share more of your ideas for getting through these difficult days, especially as we slide into yet another holiday season. Make sure you pay a visit to this Web page, too, where you'll find dozens of additional suggestions: Coping with Holidays

See also

When There Is No Jingle in the Bells

New Year's Eve

Paint Your Holiday the Way You Want It to Be

The Advent Conspiracy

Helen's Christmas Gift

Light a Candle, Hang a Stocking

Permission to Mourn This Holiday Season

Creating Personal Grief Rituals

[sunstreet]

Oh the firsts are so very painful. I am sorry that you are here experiencing this pain. I have a few rituals I do on Birthday's, Anniversaries, Holidays. One thing I do is a week before I light a candle each evening in rememberance of our love and to remind me that there is always "LIGHT and HOPE" even if it feels as small as the flame of the candle. I go to our favorite spot by the water and let go of two single ballons and watch them till I can not see them any longer. I journal and I look back on the previous year's journal to see and learn that I am moving forward and the pain is not as great as it was the last year.

I pray you find your own ways of getting through and know that you are not alone and we all understand. Courage to you.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[kayc]

It is hard.

George had just had his birthday when he died on Father's Day. Then I faced, alone, 4th of July, Labor Day (which was always big in our family), my birthday, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day. By the time I got around to Easter, I major rebelled. I refused to do another holiday without him. My kids said it was okay, we could ignore it or do Xmas on Easter or any which way I wanted. I chose to ignore Easter. I didn't go to church, I treated it like any other day (and that was not like me)...I had the kids up for dinner the following weekend but we didn't mention any holidays. By the next year I was more ready to do it although my heart was not in it. I would have skipped Xmas altogether if my son hadn't gotten a tree and all the kids put it up and decorated it. It takes time, and it will never be the same without him.

[MZM]

Thanks all and thanks for the articles marty...Thanks everyone for all your ideas and for sharing with me how you got through the firsts and are getting through them...

New years eve is definately going to be one of my worsts. I am dreading it! His birthday and that...cant think much about valentines and my birthday yet, all i know is that im taking them one at a time. I will be thinking of you all over new years...and especially my zubeir. We've spent every new years together and it was always somewhere on holiday...im really going to die inside without him. Just as i will on his birthday. Im already preparing myself for that day when he wouldve had his 26th birthday, I also know that it will be the first time that i will visit him at the cemetry...I ask for all your prayers and I will post as to how it went. Sunstreet, i think im going to do just that. Light a candle in the week before...that will help and will also be a rememberance...KayC and Cheryl i also plan to skip some holidays - just sleep...these firsts are going to be rough on me...

Thanks all

Lots of love

M

[Susie Q]

Dear M

I'm not all that great on thinking positively anymore. It's one of the many losses I face since my wonderful husband of 32 years died suddenly 13 mths ago .

I've now been through both our birthdays, Christmas, new years eve and our wedding anniversary. I thought Christmas was going to be the worst but it was actually NYE because I hadn't given it any thought. It was horrendous for me and a disaster for my friends - we ended up coming home and watching the midnight fireworks on TV. I didn't want to 'celebrate' but they didn't want me to be alone either.

What I have resolved since then is that because I miss him so deeply every minute of every day, these 'special days' can't be any worse. I try not to make them in my mind to be days to dread. I recognise their significance but have been able to say to myself that I'm going to miss him the same, whether the day has a special name or not.

I welcome the thoughts and actions of others in the lead up and on those days, and like all the others, I wish he was here to share it. I do recognise them as important but it's helped me enormously to change the way I perceive those days approaching and just not expecting (or letting) them be any worse has sort of kept me more balanced.

I'm learning that getting through this nightmare in one piece emotionally is going to involve changing the way I think - because I can't bring him back... oh, if only!

Best wishes...Susie Q

[Queeniemary]

All firsts are hard, I have been through a few already, our anniversary, 4th of July, his Birthday in August, and my birthday coming up next month. Probably even worse for me is counting the months since he has been gone...yesterday was 9 months. It does not seem possible that he has been gone that long, at times it seems like this all happened yesterday. I am dreading the holidays, but will get through them, as we all will. I am flying to Arizona to visit a sister , and traveling home on my birthday in November, so that day will be busy. I am looking forward to the trip, I haven't flown in 22 years. I am connecting with my brother and his wife in Houston, and we are then flying together to Phoenix. We were going to drive, but this will be much faster, and we will still have the same amount of time with our sis in Arizona.

I am sorry these firsts are so hard, but then every day is hard. I am enjoying the fall weather and the leaves changing color, and then I am so sad because this was Mike's favorite time of year. He loved for us to drive around looking at the changing colors. It is strange to be happy and sad at the same time, but I am doing that more and more. Happy about something (fall colors) and very very sad that Mike is not here to enjoy with me.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[MZM]

Ive decided that Im going to sleep through all the holidays esp NYE....I hope that will take the pain away?

I keep facing memories and thats what kills me! I just cant believe he was here almost 3 months ago and now hes not:(