My Dad Died Alone, I Am Pretty Sure

[Lostdaughter]

I'm afraid to ask this question, but I am sure my dad died alone. I wish I would have been there. Why wasn't anyone there? I live out of state but there were others who had to know who live there. He was given last rites on Thursday and died Saturday morning early. So why is this bothering me all of a sudden? Because I'll never know and I'm too afraid to ask. I just hope he went peacefully, but I'm too afraid to ask. Plus I don't think anyone would know. If I'd had more courage, maybe I would have rethought my final good-bye to him in June. Maybe I would have had the courage to fly up there and be by his side. I am so estranged from my family and didn't want to be around them. If I could do it over, I would have been there.

It's like my aunt, maybe. The story goes that she died peacefully. But she was alone and died around 2:30 a.m. Maybe people just say these things to feel better. I don't know. Anyway, grief is just hard today.

[MartyT]

Dear Daughter,

Although it may be true that no living person was at your father's bedside when he died, it does not mean that he died alone. You may find this article by David Kessler helpful. (David is a protege of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and he has worked with the dying for many years.) He writes,

Throughout my years working with the dying, I have noticed commonly shared experiences that remain beyond our ability to explain and fully understand. In the tapestry of life and death, we may begin to see connections to the past that we missed in life. While death may look like a loss to the living, the last hours of a dying person may be filled not with emptiness, but rather with fullness.

Read on here: Five Common Deathbed Experiences

[kath]

Marty,

This article leaves me with a real good feeling. When I saw Bob at the mortuary, he had a very different smile on his face, a good one, but one I'd never seen before. I asked them if they had done that. They said, "No. He arrived that way." I can't help but wonder who it was that he was seeing. It was no doubt a happy moment.

Thanks for the reminder.

Lostdaughter,

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I think your dad was in really good company. It's just incredibly hard for us that are left behind. I hope you can end today imagining the "reunions" he must have had and take comfort in knowing he is still close by.

Take good care,

Kath

[niamh]

Lostdaughter,

I too go through phases of asking similar questions. Although my Dad was in hospital, it was unexpected at 3am in the bathroom and sometimes I wonder about those last few minutes, was he scared, did he think of me and Mom, did he know what was happening, was he pain, the questions go on and on yet nobody can give me answers.

Sometimes I wish I'd stayed that last night with him, but there was no need, he was coming home next day, routine kidney stone procedure ....I'm sure the hospital staff would have been looking at me stupidly if I'd wanted to stay.

Sorry about your Aunt aswell .........it reminds me of mine .......she died in her sleep at home probably in and around that time too. It was unexpected also and her daughter and I were out at a company function .......my Aunt has asked her to have dinner with her but my cousin couldn't ........I will never forget all the times she told me she wished she had gone to dinner, she wished she would have been at home, she wonders if she could have done something. And me without a notion used to tell her" but you know you couldn't have done anything , you can't think like that" etc ........I cringe so much writing these words, knowing how awful it must have been to hear because unfortunately now I know.

So, all I will say is I too have questions, things I wished I could change and sometimes they are are the forefront of my mind ,others times they simply sit quietly in the background, but they never really disappear.

HUGS to you

Niamh

[KJO]

I am sorry you are hurting over this, but you must know that he may have been alone in the physical sense, he was in good hands thereafter. I do not know your spiritual beliefs, however, I know I questioned mine for a time during my crises and have since slowly started reacquiring them again. I urge you to not lose your faith. Also, I urge you to forgive yourself for not being there at the moment of his passing. You need to learn to forgive yourself that of which is not your fault. You said ". . if I could do it over, I would have been there. "We all have "I could'ves" holding over our heads when we lose a family member or a loved one, but they are the things that we cannot keep beating ourselves up over for the rest of our years. Would your father expect you to do that? I would doubt that. If I did, I know my mother would(get up on a chair first,) then smack me upside the head for it. Forgive yourself. I still wish there was more for her to hear from me, even though I told her that I loved her many times before she couldn't remain conscious to respond. You will always feel you never said enough because your physical connection to your Dad was taken away at his death. That does not mean he will not be there spiritually for you. I still catch my mother's scent at lucid times descending her stairs at her house. I feel that regret you feel. Forgive yourself. If we were face to face right now, I'd be giving you a big hug right now just because.

[numbersgirl]

I lost my father in April 2010. I have all of the same questions that you are asking. When I got the call that the paramedics were working on him I asked my mom if they were performing active CPR. I wanted to gauge what was really going on. She said no so I thought it must not be that serious. I waited until they got to the hospital. Then the chaplain called. I went in to business mode. I packed up the kids and made arrangements to meet up with my brothers family and start the 13 hour drive to Utah. (We live in Seattle) My brother is a paramedic so he was on the phone with the doctors on and off. It was pretty obvious that my dad was not going to make it, but I was in such denial. We drove all night. The normally 13 hour trip took closer to 17. We have two children (3 & 5) and my brother had two children (2 and 9 months). If one didn't need to stop for the potty another did. It almost started to feel like a family vacation. We were 2 hours north of Salt Lake City and the sun have just come up. It was beautiful and cool. My mom and I had been talking off and on all night as she tried to give me updates. When the phone rang I thought it was just another update. She was hysterical. My father had just died.

At that moment I wanted to die too. I could not believe that we were only 2 hours away. That was when the questions started. What if I had not waited until the chaplain called to start the trip? That would have gotten us there before he died. What if I had made the kids "hold it" a little, could we have made up 2 hours? The biggest one...did my dad know I was on my way? What if he held on through the night waiting to see if I would come and then gave up waiting?

When I talked to my mom later that day she said that she and my aunt had left the hospital the night before and went home to get some sleep. They were on their way back to the hospital when the doctors called and said that they were working on him but it was not looking good. She told them that it was ok to let him go. I have always wondered why she went home that night. I know that she asks herself the same thing everyday. She was in such denial over all of it that she really believed that when she got to the hospital in the morning he would be sitting up having breakfast.

My mom is very naive (I always joke that she dreams in cartoons). I had to tell her many times when she would call with updates that the doctors did not think he would make it. It was as if her brain could not process that. She kept saying things like "He looks really good", "I think he will be waking up soon". I asked her a few weeks after he died if she told him that we were on our way. She said, "No, I just assumed that when he woke up he would be so happy to see you and the babies." WHAT??? Noone told him that we were coming? Did my father die in a cold hospital thinking that I didn't care enough to be there? Did he give up?

These thoughts haunt me like you would not believe. I have a strong faith and I believe that he knows all of this now, but the thought that he left this earth possibly thinking that he wasn't loved enough is almost too much for me to bear. My father had terrible self esteem issues. He had a rough life and always felt like he was not good enough. I worry that he felt his fears were confirmed that morning when he died alone. My father was 62 and had a heart attack. This wasn't supposed to happen.

[loulou]

Hi everyone.I do not write often anymore,but I do read all the posts.Its just been so hard to reply,like a mental block.This subject is part of my process though,I'm obsessed with this thought right now.My Dad was 49,and his "buddie"asked him to help on a side job on New Years night outside shoveling snow.I told my dear Dad not to do it,but its not in his character to turn someone down.Anyways,I guess he started to not feel well,and his "buddie" told him to go sit in the car.My father died sitting in his car ALL BY HIMSELF,while his dumb buddie shoveled snow outside of it.I have become very angry about this.I hate this guy now.I'm so mad at him that I cant be around him.Why didnt someone sit with him?Or check on him or call an ambulance.The thinking of it brings such horror to me.He was gone when paramedics got there,although they tried to bring him back.My brother and I made it to the hospital so fast,but our goodbyes were too late and I spend everyday wishing I could have had just 1 min. with him to let him know how very much I loved him.Sometimes I wonder if that was they way it was ment to be.Him going by himself.It dosnt help much though.I know how this thought is so painful,and I'm sorry for everyones pain.

[2sweetgirls]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, Lostdaughter.

I will be coming up on the one year anniversary of my mom's death on Nov 30. My dad also died on Oct 4, 2010. For my mom, we were all in denial and even though she was in hospice it was supposed to be only until my dad recovered from an operation and was able to go and get her to bring her home. No one made it to be with her when she died, too, and I have had real trouble with that. She died on the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend. My family and I decided to travel 4 hours to see my in-laws for that weekend. Why didn't I go to see my mom? Why couldn't I get in touch with a dr until Mon. when it became too late to make it? My brother and I also live out of state. But, I did speak to her on the phone and told her that we were coming and to hold on and that we all love her VERY VERY MUCH. She passed away only a couple hours later. Maybe that is what she needed to hear. I did have enough courage to ask if she was alone and they told me that they knew the end was near and a volunteer was with her when she passed. That information doesn't make me feel a whole lot better because it was a stranger instead of someone who actually knew her and loved her. I really don't believe that she wanted us to see her that way. I regret not being there but, feel that I was given the opportunity for the other side of the coin with my dad and can't decide which way is better. Actually, nothing is "better" but I am just trying to make sense of it all.

We were all there and watching him decline day after day until he couldn't interact with us anymore and just slept is not any easier. I can't seem to get that vision out of my dead. I know that is is still "fresh", whatever that means, but, still the same it is forever embedded in my memory. What I am trying to say is either way you think about it, it is painful and they are all in a better place now. I really feel now, having experienced both of my parents dying, that no matter if you had made it you would have different regrets. I'm sure your dad, self esteem issues and all, now knows you were jumping many hurdles to make it to him.

I wish you peace and send you hugs.

2sweetgirls