Single: Not By Choice

[wmjsca]

I did not ask to be single again. I have received two invitations to go out with girlfriends, as though I'm single. I don't feel single yet. I don't want to go anywhere except where I HAVE to go. I hate to keep saying, 'I don't feel like going out yet'. Am I supposed to be over this already? As though a change in scenery is going to make it better? We didn't go out very much, but when we did, it was TOGETHER. We went together and came home together. Why would I want to fake having fun just to come home alone to an empty house? My life has been snatched away from me abruptly. Nothing is the same. I can't even imagine 'having fun'. People must not realize what has just happened to me. He just passed a week ago. I know people are trying to be considerate, but I don't know when the grieving and crying and loneliness will even allow me to want to socialize. What if I never do? What if I never want to leave the house?

[Perkins808]

wmjsca,

I too had many invitations to socialize right after Jeff died. I think it's because people just don't know what to do with us. Clearly people don't have any idea what it means to lose the one person that means the world to them, unless they have gone through it themselves. They wouldn't have any idea how it effects every second of every day, unless they are going through it too.

Alone is such a hard thing to get used to.....actually, I don't know if you ever get used to it, you learn to tolerate it.

I can tell you that at one week after my husband died, I was still numb. Here it is 3 1/2 months later and I have ventured out a few times. I am still reduced to tears without warning, but I am able to go out once in a while and have a good time. I don't think I would call it fun yet.....but I think that will come in time too.

Be easy on yourself - grief is such an unpredictable thing.

Hugs,

Tammy

[Korina]

I found that I knew when I was ready to socialize and venture out into the world, and when I was not ready or up to it. Quite honestly, none of my socializing has involved my 'single' status; widow, perhaps, but not single. Here I am at 16 months and my wedding rings as still in place.

Listen to your heart and your guts - you will know when you are ready to go out and do something besides going to the grocery store.

Korina

[MZM]

I know exactly how u feel. Ive been given the "single" status without even asking for it! People were impatient with me too and still are. The way i see it is that this is about me now....I dont really care about being "ridiculous" like some might say....

3 months later and I still have break down without knowing its coming. Wednesday is zubeirs birthday (would have been) and whilst others want me to spend the day with them (out of the kindness of their hearts), i just want to be alone and visit him at the grave for the first time, with my parents.

We're also going to do something in his name - charity - because we both did alot of charity work and this will be our way of honouring his life...

[kayc]

It's just too soon yet for you to even think about doing social things with your friends. Tell them you appreciate their thinking of you but it's too soon, someday maybe, but not now.

[abergsma]

I am in my 7th week and it is still so overwhelming.

Do what is right for you and say no if you have to. I myself have a hard time saying no but in the last few weeks have learned I must do it for me.

Hugs

Allana

[Queeniemary]

I too hate the single label. I still consider myself Mike's wife, and still wear my rings. I have no plans to remove them. You will know when you are ready to socialize. In my case most of our best friends were theater people who we saw both socially and when we were doing plays and arts council events. I still do those things, and they have been a very good thing for me. I just tried out for a part in "Titanic: Tragedy and Trial", being directed by my very good friend Dana, who lost her husband a year ago last April. Tom, our friend, who lost his wife a year ago last September, also auditioned. It will be fun doing a play with them. Keeping busy is the best thing for me. I was not able to do that right after Mike died. For one thing, I had a total knee replacement 2 days before he died, and was in the hospital when he died. For another, all the recouping and therapy, not to mention intense grief and shock kept me just wanting to hide out for many months. I was so fortunate to have a daughter that just moved in with me for several weeks, I don't think I could have made it without her. Mike died on January 13, 2010. The 13th of every single month is a bad day for me, knowing it is adding another month to the months he has been gone. I really dread January 13, 2011. I am taking that week off from work, and just going to hang out and remember all the good times, and there were many.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Deb625]

I recently bought a new bathroom sink and the salesman was trying earnestly to get me to go out for a date. I just laughed with my girlfriend when we got in the car as I could clearly see myself out on a "date" sobbing, uncontrollably for my Michael - it just wouldn't work. At 5 1/2 months into this journey I didn't want to be on, I know that I am a very, very long way from even thinking of a new relationship, never mind being in one... I don't know when the time will come, but I know it won't be until I at least get past the sobbing every day... I'm sure I'm like many of us and just plain tired of hearing my own sobs, but there doesn't seem to be much I can do to stop the pain in my heart and the sorrow I feel for my loss and Michael's loss of life... I know I'm better than I was when I started this journey, I see progress and hope, it still hurts though...

People who haven't lost a "spouse" can empathize, but not really understand the pain of losing a huge part of yourself, all our dreams and future. They don't get that we have fundamentally changed from a we to "just me" in heartbeat. Some just don't get it at all and I guess it means they have never felt a loss... (lucky them). I feel, quite okay with telling people that I simply am not up to socializing and "making nice"; however, it is also good to make an effort to get out and "do" things, to get out of our own heads... We've had a great fall here in Vancouver and getting out to see the colours of the leaves with the change of season has been stunningly beautiful... Take care, Deb

[wmjsca]

This type of loss is much different than other losses and people don't understand. If I hear that time heals all wounds one more time I'm going to scream! Becoming single again wasn't my idea, I could have been part of our couple forever. It was who we were. We shared our lives together and now it's just me. Dating? I couldn't even consider it...at this point ever. I do try to get out, but right now, school is about the extent of my socializing. Anything else forces me into situations where there are happy couples living their lives and I have difficulty dealing with that right now.

[sunstreet]

I understand and I encourage you to do what feels right for you. It is ok to be angry. It is ok to not want to go out and be reminded of what you have lost. I hope with time the pain eases for you and you want to be out in the world again.

I hold you in my prayers.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[abergsma]

situations where there are happy couples living their lives and I have difficulty dealing with that right now.

I feel very uncomfortable in this situation also. I feel jealous and know that that is not fair to them. But why did I lose my spouse?? It's not fair!

I feel like a third wheel, so try and avoid them.

It is very hard losing that one person who shared your life and new you so well. It is very hard for others to know how we feel unless they have walked in our shoes.

I can't imagine sharing my life with anyone else.

Hugs

Allana

[wmjsca]

It's good someone understands this. Even those who try to offer comfort can't seem to see it's not that I'm mad at them for having their loved one still in their life---but why did my love have to die? Where's the fairness in that? I don't deserve to be a third wheel, but that is what I am now. Who wants to be bothered with a third wheel and I detest pity...it even makes me more angry....

[Aneshka]

Hi, I'm am new to this site so here goes. The love of my life, best friend and husband of 41 years died Oct 14, 2010. We married as teenagers, had a business out of our home and shared nearly all aspects of our life together. A neighbor who lost her husband a few years ago has given me some of the best advice to date. 1) one day at a time and 2) never say no to an invitation.

I realize this isn't for everyone and as I usually just wanted to be home with Mike I am surprised it has been so good for me but it has. I try and be interested in their lives and find myself laughing. My husband had cancer so we knew this was coming, he died with no regrets at home in my arms and although I miss him every second of every day I think losing a loved one suddenly is such a shock and quite different. Our last words were how much we loved each other. My family and friends have been an absolute blessing plus if you say no too often they may stop asking.

[Queeniemary]

Aneshka, I certainly agree with the one day at a time. I also try to get out and do things. I lost Michael very suddenly and unexpectedly to a massive coronary while I was in the hospital about 1 1/2 hours away, having just had a total knee replacement. I was in shock and on pain meds for much of the first few weeks after his death. I never got to tell him goodby, or see him again after he left my hospital room the day of my surgery. We did talk on the phone just hours before his death, but he was fine at that point. If I had only known it was the last time I would talk to him. I have also been very fortunate in my family and friends, they won't let me say no! I am so sorry for your loss, how lucky you were to have had 41 years together, and work so closely together.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[sunstreet]

Aneshka, I am so sorry for your loss. You have found yourself at a safe place here. I certainly realte to one day at a time. My loss was 7 years ago this coming December 25th and it was sudden, unexpected, my love chose suicide.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[wmjsca]

Aneshka, I am so sorry for your loss. You have found yourself at a safe place here. I certainly realte to one day at a time. My loss was 7 years ago this coming December 25th and it was sudden, unexpected, my love chose suicide.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

I am so sorry for your loss, Carol Ann. That must have been devastating. I'm still reeling from my experience as well, but can only imagine if he'd taken his own life. Take care.