Last December

[wmjsca]

I find myself thinking of last December when Clint was in process of filing his disability retirement and the huge volume of mail he had to deliver because of the holidays. He was having difficulty finishing his route some days, but he would never complain of any pain or anything; I just wonder whether the cancer had begun affecting him even then and we just didn't know. I am really have a hard time with not even knowing he was deathly ill...when did it start? I keep wondering if he knew and just didn't tell me, and if so, why? I suppose I'll wonder about that forever.

He had suffered a stroke 11 years ago and recovered sufficiently to return to limited duty at work, so I figured the excessive fatigue was from those residual effects and his getting older.

Now I remember him struggling just to get through those next four months. He was awarded his retirement in April; but died in October. So much for enjoyment of retirement.

I miss him so much.

[Guest NancyL]

wmjsca, I'm sorry he didn't get to enjoy retirement. Don had to retire at 58 because he became paralyzed and couldn't work as a mechanic anymore. I always worked to keep good insurance, figuring we'd have time later. I think that's what strikes me most, many people I know retire without their spouses. What a loss that we didn't spend more time together, only being together mornings and evenings and on weekends. Now I don't care if I retire, but mostly I know I need to finish paying off the house before I do.

As for wondering when cancer began to take hold of his body, don't spend too much time and grief thinking about if you'd only known sooner. Don spent his last day as outpatient in the hospital getting 2 units of blood for anemia. They said the units were large and they sped up the drip so he would finish and could go home by 6. When we were driving home, he temporarily ran off the edge of the road, said the sun was in his eyes. After supper, he kept running into things with his power wheelchair. I figured it was because he took a pill meant to help him sleep. Looking back, I think he was having bleeding in his brain then. If I would have made him turn around and go back to the hospital???? Or maybe the large amount of blood volume caused a leak??? Regardless, I also know that with ITP and no blood platelets left, he didn't have the ability to clot, and even in the hospital earlier, I don't know if there would have been anything they could have done.

Even if you knew earlier that your Clints cancer was causing his fatigue, would you have been able to change the outcome? Don't beat yourself up over it. When I wonder about something I know I'll never have the answer to I repeat the first part of the serenity prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. It helps me.

[Billw]

Good morning Ladies,

As I read your posts I sit here and think about the same types of things that went through my head. I have been over and over the last few weeks and months of my wife's battle with cancer and wondered if we should have at least backed off the radiation and chemo so her quality of life that she had left could have been a bit better. She was a warrior and was convinced to slug it out to the end so that is what she chose. I can second guess this thing to death some days and always come to the same spot, it just was not going to happen. She made it for 16 months after diagnosis. Thank God her suffering is over. Now if we could all get through ours I know that they would be happier.

This is a slow process to say the least. I am confident that someday things will look different. Not to say that I will wake up and be struck "grief free" but I know everything in this life is temporary. My wife would not want to see me in this condition anymore than I wanted to see her sick, so my goal is to recover from this but I have to try and give myself time and be patient. That is the hard part.....Thanks for being here for me..BW

[kayc]

The same kinds of thoughts have haunted me about George...we hadn't known he had heart trouble, we'd blamed his car accidents on Diabetes and had been kind of puzzled about it...it wasn't until the end that the doctor pieced it together and said he'd actually died six months before and the airbags going on gave a thrust to the chest that restarted his heart...but he'd been left with a damaged heart in the process...and the doctor hadn't realized he'd suffered a heart attack so he didn't receive treatment for it. If only they'd sent him for tests he might still be here with me now. But be that as it may, all of the supposition in the world does no good now, it's done and it's too late for speculation. Did he know? I think he suspected heart, he tried to get the doctor to listen to him, but he didn't. I wish he hadn't had to work so hard and push himself so much, I wish I could have stepped in and protected him and stood up for him to the doctor, but it's all neither here nor there now. The only think I asked of the doctor when he died was to never let this happen to anyone else, to send people for tests and listen to them.

[LostmyHoney]

wmjsca,

I also have those thoughts and feelings, though I know they are of no avail, but still have them.

((((Hugs))))

Rachel

[wmjsca]

Wow, I was just spilling my guts over my unresolved feelings of 'what more could I have done?' and didn't realize other people felt that way, as well. It is so good to have support and know that you're understood and not judged. Thank you all. I believe some day I'll be able to put this in its proper perspective. It's just hell right now.

[Cheryl]

It is weird how everyone tries to figure out what they could have done diffrently. My husband died in a motorcycle accident. I spent hours if not days trying to figure out what I could have done to prevent it. How I could have possibly made a diffrence on his frame of mind that day. I keep thinking if only I had insisted he meet me for lunch or if only I had asked more questions about his day. My list goes on and on.

We all want to think that we could have had more control over the events of their death? What I have learned is that you can die at any time, you can not control the world or your spouse. Sometimes things just happen. You are right, is is just hell having to think about it.

[sunstreet]

wmjsca,

You are so not alone with this struggle. I am so sorry that this is part of the journey. I still struggle with these kinds of thoughts. I knew my family was violent and abusive and intolerant of my sexual orientation that is why I fled from them. I knew they would not like any woman that came into my life. I knew I had to protect her from them always. I failed to protect her from them. Why didn't I pay more attention to the fact that Melissa wanted me to take her picture? She hated to have her picture taken. I think she did so because she knew then she was planning to take her life and wanted me to have a picture. That is all I have 1 picture. Now the tears are really flowing and that is ok as more pain is being released. I thought it odd but I just thought well good for you Melissa. I don't even have a picture of the two of us together. Why didn't I think that what my family did to her, the fact one of her clients suicided, that her own family was not allowing her to visit after she disclosed to them about me.....why didn't I know how bad she was feeling? The day she took her life she called me at work to say I love you! Melissa never called me at work, she would only text, and I would only text her at work. Why didn't I see her calling as a sign? Oh how I struggled with these quesitons, so many sleepless nights, so many nights of crying myself to sleep.

The questions we all have are different but the pain is the same and yes it is hell! I can tell you that for me, 7 years into this journey I have accepted that to some of the questions I just will not know the answers. I also know that hindsight is always 20/20 and in the moment none of us had hindsight! I have relieved myself from the burden of thinking I am responsible for Melissa's death. Having attempted suicide three times in my life, I know when you are there you have tunnel vision and only see one way out. It is not for me to know why my three attempts were not successful and Melissa's one attempt was successful. I only know that I was loved and I gave love and I was blessed and still am.

You are so not alone, you are so not judged, you are so understood, you are so supported and so is everyone.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[nats]

Hello My Friends,

I think we all go thru this I know I have many times, manily the last round of chemo Ruth had beacause it really zapped her unlike the other treatments but that was after 21 bags of her first chemo and 10 doses of whole brain radiation, over a 9 month period then it had spread to her spine, she also was a fighter and would not give up, she was bound to beat the "little hitchhikers" she called the cancer....we must all know we did what we could and it was beyond our control as long as we loved them and made the last days or months the best for them we did what we could....many prayers to all of us here that we find peace in these feelings....

NATS

[wmjsca]

He started losing the weight in April, but he sometimes dropped a little weight and always gained it back--he kept losing and had no appetite. I was alarmed long before he was actually diagnosed. I know I couldn't have prevented the disease, but I keep thinking if I had at least known sooner, the grief might not be as severe. I could have spent the last months and weeks treasuring the time we had left. I believed he'd be coming home....I was living life as usual when he was dying every day. It's hard to reconcile that to myself. His death was due to a rapid onset cancer, but it was also sudden and unexpected. I knew something was wrong even though the doctors kept telling him it was nothing serious. I keep thinking I could have done more. But how do you question degreed doctors? But then again, I should have...here I go again...

[sunstreet]

I am so sorry that this is such a difficult part to reconcile within ourselves. I understand that feeling of living life as usual when our loved one was dying every day. Yours from cancer, mine from physchological turmoil. My thinking is that the fact we are all talking about this struggle within ourselves is perhaps the beginning of reconciliation. This is just my own lay opinion. I am so sorry that Clint's death was so sudden and so unexpected, I understand how hard that is. Exactly, how do you question degreed doctors? I can tell you that in the case of my Father, and his journey with Alzheimer's, and at the end his organs began to shut down one by one and he was moaning. He was in pain. In this day and age no-one should have to be in pain that way. My Father's primary doctor ordered Fentynl patch for the pain. My Father had been bed ridden for almost two years, he was down to less than 90 pounds. I work in a Pharmacy, I know Fentnyl works well if the patient has good blood circulation especially peripherally. My Father had neither. I questioned the doctors thinking. The doctor got annoyed and said " I am your Father's doctor, my decision stands. I had to listen to my Father's moaning for nine days till his death. I tell you of this because I want you to know that even if you had said anything, questioned anything, it may not have been heard or acted on.

I know you have to go through your own struggle with this and I know how devistating it can leave us feeling. I want you to know that from all your posts that I have read, in them, nowhere do I get the sense that you don't do anything but your best in each moment and that is all we can ask of ourselves.

You are not alone.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann