Needing Support

[sunstreet]

I am tired of being the "strong one." I long for a shoulder to lean on. I long to be held again. Even now almost 7 years later my heart still aches. I miss the laughter we shared. I miss the life we had. I feel angry that Melissa is not here now as I feel so burdened with all my health issues. I need to be held, I need someone to hold me as I weep. I am sick and tired of not having my grief recognized by intolerant and ignorant people. I want to just climb the tallest mountain and scream forever and still I don't think it would touch my anger that society still has such a long way to go in so far as treating me as a fellow human as themselves.

I am ashamed to say but this morning I feel like screaming at God too! It is so hard to be at work this time of year. Why can't I run into people such as all of you in life, in person. Where are they? I tell you it is so hard at times. A walk in customer to our Pharmacy yesterday actually commented on my hair and said you shouldn't wear it so short people may think you are a lesbian. You wouldn't want that would you? I can not actually believe it but when I got in from work yesterday I actually went looking for Melissa and almost as soon as I wondered where she was I remembered. I sat and wept and wept and wept. I understand that there was some more pain yet to come to the surface but it really caught me off guard for sure.

The Pharmacy I work at is part of a shopping mall. Everywhere I look I see reminders of what I don't have anymore. I usually take this time of year off from work so I don't have to see and be reminded. I don't have that choice right now, I can not afford it. I am only working half days as it is. I hate that I have to struggle with all of it alone. The funeral home that took care of Melissa has a memorial every year for people to go to at this time of year. I have never gone. It is happening tonight. God, seems to be nudging me to go....

Thanks for listening.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[MartyT]

Oh Carol Ann, please do go! The Universe (and Melissa) may be sending you a message: You need to be with other, like-minded people right now. Sometimes the only place we feel completely safe and understood is when we surround ourselves with others who've experienced significant loss, too. That's why this virtual support group is so powerful ~ but sometimes it is not enough. Go! And know that you carry every one of us with you ♥

[kayc]

Carol Ann,

It is okay to scream at God. He has big shoulders and He can take it. And He cares. Sometimes we don't understand His decision making, He is privy to information we don't have at our disposal, and it causes us to second guess Him, and that's okay, He understands.

If you can go to the memorial, please do, and tell us about it, what did you get from it, did you learn anything, how did you feel, etc.

It's been 7 years for you, it's been 5 1/2 years for me, but we never stop missing them, never. Esp. when they were the perfect person for us! We all get tired of being on our own and the weight of the world on our shoulders. I'm trying to work on grasping the idea that God is my partner, to help me feel a little less on my own, but it's hard. I started with the simple step of praying for Him to stay the snow until my son can look at and fix my truck. A simple thing, and I know prayers aren't always answered the way we'd like, but I really need His help here. I figure George would have cared about my struggles and would have done all he could to help me, so why can't God?

Anyway, you have people here that care. As to why you can't find them around you, I don't know, in our society we don't talk about personal issues, but for some reason we can on a forum. Go figure! I'm just glad we have this place here, I don't know how I'd survive without it.

[sunstreet]

Thank you, Marty and Kayc so very much. I have decided I will go tonight and I pray it is helpful for me. I am happy to have both of you respond before having to go off to work now. I will imagine you both and all of you here with me as I go through my day today and tonight. Marty, I have not started the book you recommended for me yet. I decided I'll wait till after December is over, and I am done with Crime Victim Services, in regards to funding for the new hearing aids that I need.

Bless everyone here and I'll let you all know how it goes for me tonight.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[starby]

Hi Sunstreet

I'm new here but I just wanted to say I read your post and your words touched me. It is so hard, so painful feeling alone and being left with longing. I too have health issues and this compounds any feeling of grief in our lives. It's okay to be angry at God/the universe, it's natural. Thinking of you.

[Chrissie]

Carol Ann,

I'm so happy you decided to go, I wish the funeral home that took care of Tim would have something like that. I have been struggling with very much the same thing you have. I miss having someone to come home to, to talk with, and I miss his touch so much. I feel like, I finally found someone that really loved me and wanted to grow old together and now he is gone. I know my friends try to understand but they haven't been there, that is why I am so thankful for this site. Please let us know how it went and know we are all thinking of you.

Chris

[LostmyHoney]

Carol Ann,

I am so very sorry that people can be so ignorant and inconsiderate.

A few of my Mom's favorite expressions were: "Don't take it too personal kiddo !", "Who ever told you life was going to be fair ?" and "Life is tough !". I can't even tell you how many times I heard these growing up, and always with stern seriousness ! Well, the fair one generally got hissed at me. She really did prepare me for what life was really like, and how cruel and thoughtless people can be. I have realized that I have a "water off the ducks back", "thick hide" kinda thing going on. I wish I could share it with you now !

I hope the memorial helps you.

(((HUGS)))

Rachel

[wmjsca]

Hi Carol Ann,

I wish I'd responded earlier, just busy trying to wrap up the fall semester. I do hope you will derive some hope and help from the memorial service, if you decide to go. I, too, wish there were people in my life that were as helpful as you all here on the forum, but death is one of those 'taboos' I suppose. Many people don't understand nor support the grief process as something that we have to move through at our own pace. It doesn't necessarily ever have an end, as we will never forget our lost loves.

I can relate to the anger with God, I know he understands and may reveal His purpose to me someday, but even if not, He'll be here beside me every step of the way.

My dad was a practical man and raised me to have a 'tough skin' and for the most part, I can function pretty well, but losing Clint has tested my mettle--this isn't as simple to shrug off and the pain is much deeper than anything I've ever experienced.

Missing that touch from the one you love, having that person there to support you and 'do life' with you does take its toll. Our journey is a difficult one, but one day at a time, I pray we'll get there.

Let us know how the memorial service goes.

Take care..........

[sunstreet]

Marty, I do think Melissa had in a hand in my going tonight. I did have you all in mind all day and tonight. Thank you Marty! Kay, thank you for reminding me that God can take it if I scream at him, and you are so right He cares! I think I felt shame for feeling angry at God, for He has been with me my whole life, and is the reason I have survived thus far. I think I felt I had no right to be angry at Him for He has done so much for me. Starby, I am sorry your are also burdened with health issues and I agree they do compound any feelings of grief. Thank you for thinking of me. I am sorry that you are also grieving. You have found a safe wonderful place here. Chrissie, thank you. I am sorry for your pain as well. Rachel, thank you and rest knowing that I did carry you all there with me tonight so you did give me your "thick hide" kinda thing going on. wmjsca, thank you and I am sorry that you understand my pain, as do all of you, because you are all on the journey too. We will get there, we are all already on our way. Thank you all so much for your support, it means so much to me.

I went to the Memorial Service and I did derive some new found hope. It was a Memorial Service for the bereaved, it was titled "Hope for the Holidays" I went with an open heart, and an open mind and I was blessed in doing so. I feel so very proud of myself tonight. As everyone entered they were given a dove shaped ornament and we were all invited to put the ornament on the Christmas tree, and as that was happening, there was this woman who was playing the harp, it was perfect! I realized tonight that part of the reason I find it hard to go out in the world with out Melissa with me is because of my hearing loss, in a sense Melissa was my hearing. It is hard for me to hear when there are a lot of people and noise. There was a beautiful message of hope given by the director of the funeral home. There was some Chrismas Carol's after that. Then everyone was invited for refreshments afterwards, and opportunity to mingle and talk with people. There was a man who was absolutely weeping. My heart just went out to him. I saw him searching for tissue, so I saw some and took it over to him. We ended up chatting, his wife committed suicide 8 years ago. I shared with him that my wife committed suicide too. He did not flinch at all, no look of disgust, not anything and what he said was, I am so sorry, then you know this pain, you understand. We were all invited to go and take our dove ornament off the tree if we wished and take it home. I did, and it is on my tree, right near the top near the angel. In my mind it is Melissa. Somehow, I really got the sense tonight that she is indeed at peace.

I did not cry at all while there but once I got home tonight. I did cry, but they were different tears if that makes any sense. It was not like they were coming from this mournful place, it was more like I felt closer to Melissa than ever, oh I am at a loss for adequate words to express how it felt. In any event, I fell asleep and was woke by my cat pawing me on my face to let me know I forgot to feed him.

My body feels as though I just ran the New York marathon. Every cell in my body feels exhausted. I think a lot of healing has taken place and a lot of pain transformed.

Thank you everyone, you are all a blessing to me.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[MartyT]

Thank you for reporting back to us, Carol Ann. Now I'm the one in tears . . . ♥

[LostmyHoney]

Me too !

[Guest NancyL]

Carol Ann, It sounds like the memorial ceremony was beautiful, and helpful for the ones left behind. Good for you that you went with an open heart and could therefore receive so much. I've been thinking about what the customer said to you, and I guess the only words I can give to you are not to let her words get to you. You might even feel sorry for her because she will miss so much in her life by not being open to it and instead she is closed minded. Nancy

[Teddy and Toby's mom]

I'm glad you went to the memorial service. It sounds like it did help you some. I wish there were services like that here. I went to a service at the VA for all the vets that had passed away at the hospital that quarter. It was so generic that I left feeling as empty as when I went.

Hey, it's OK to yell at God. He can take it. God knows we are sad, angry, mixed up and oh so darn tired. I hate it but I haven't been going to church. I just can't take it right now. All the cheery people talking about Christmas. I am turning into a hermit more by the day. Tell us again how long it has been? cause my eyes are so tired from crying that I can barely type much less read..

Working out in the public just makes it worse. Geez, you have to bear the brunt of all those dumb people that say dumb things. Sorry about that, but sometimes they just don't think. I wish instead of saying stupid things they would just smile at me, or take my hand and give it a squeeze.

Have you talked to your doctor about something to take the edge off your nerves? I did yesterday. I'm not crazy about it, but he gave me Xanax, the weakest you can get. But I did sleep last night and for the first time since she died I dreamt of Sheryl. I wish I could remember the dream, but it just makes me happy knowing that I can see her in my dreams once in a while. And my little dog Teddy , I swear I heard him bark last night. I know he is gone, and I think I was awake, but I know I heard his bark. I muiss my two little dogs so much. Sheryl always said they would give me comfort if anything happened to her. But now I have lost them too. This is such a cold empty house.

People can say the stupidist things ever. I think I should start a page on "what is the stupidist thing anyone has said to you?" Can you believe her mom told me "well, you both wore the same size so now you have an entire new wardrobe" I wanted to grab her by the throat but I was so exhausted I could barely get out of the chair. It's no consulation, but now when someone looses the love of their life, you can give them more support and love than anyone else they know.

People are so afraid of the topic of death. They think that if they talk about it with you, then they have to face their own mortality. We all have to face that sooner or later. and going thru this, it has impressed on me just how fragile life is.

I called Hospice yesterday to try to find some support groups. You would think in a city of 3 million people there would be more than 2! My doctor said he will try to find some for me. That is what you need, a real life person to touch you. I think we go thru touch depravation after the loss of our loved one. I miss her touch, cuddling, just holding hands.

But here we can vent, and I am learning a lot from the rest of you. So please continue to post. Let us know your thoughts. From what I have read it doesn't get much better, we just learn to handle it better. I come from a family that thinks if you even so much as tear up then you are weak, dumb, and very un-adult. The tears just roll off my cheeks so I guess it might be a good thing they are 2000 miles away from me. Cry cry cry, let it all out. Sometimes I sob so deeply I can't breathe, but at least I am gtrieving Sheryl and not stuffing my feelings. Gotta go, I have to go figure out how to get rid of weeds. The weather is unseasonably warm and the weeds are everywhere.

[sunstreet]

Thank you for reporting back to us, Carol Ann. Now I'm the one in tears . . . ♥

You are very welcome....and thank you.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Me too !

Thanks Rachel....love your signature!

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Carol Ann, It sounds like the memorial ceremony was beautiful, and helpful for the ones left behind. Good for you that you went with an open heart and could therefore receive so much. I've been thinking about what the customer said to you, and I guess the only words I can give to you are not to let her words get to you. You might even feel sorry for her because she will miss so much in her life by not being open to it and instead she is closed minded. Nancy

Thank you Nancy, it was beautiful and I was blessed in going. Nancy, honestly I understand what your are saying. At some level I do feel for her but honestly it is when we let comments like this, or any other kind of hurtful and disrespectful comments pass and just say "oh I won't let it bother me and move on, in my opinion is what feeds that thinking and allows it to grow. I think given that it will be soon the 7th. anniversary of my wife's suicide that came to pass for several reasons, one of which being some family members sexually assaulting my wife when they learned of her; I am admittedly hypersensitive to any comment or behavior that is disrespectful and derogatory towards me and my wife. Whether it comes from ignorance or a deliberate attempt it does not matter. It is not ok and I will no longer tolerate it in silence.

As I have done all my life about people who have closed hearts, I will pray that one day she chooses to open her heart.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Teddy and Tobby's Mom, thank you for your reply. It will be 7 years this December 25th. I am sorry that Hospice did not have a lot to offer you. I encourage you to keep searching if you feel the need. The first group I tried was not a good fit for me. The second one was a good fit, but just not long enough for me, and I was kind of left feeling....but I just started to trust a wee bit.....what do you mean there is only one more meeting....I was kind of left feeling like ....but I am not finished yet.....I barely feel I have started. I ended up feeling disappointed. I don't think the group thing is for me.

I am sorry your family does not welcome emotion. I am glad that you can cry...I welcome my tears when they come as for me they represent pain coming to the surface to be felt, expressed, talked about, and then out of me, just like the waves hitting the shore and then dissipating.

Again, I am very sorry for all your loss.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[melina]

Carol Ann,

I'm sorry you've been having such a tough time.You've been through enough in your life without having to suffer fools at work. I'm glad you went to the memorial and found some consolation there. After seven years of grief - you need positive things to nudge you forward and back to life. Melissa wouldn't want you mourning for this long. I know it's hard, but I'm glad you're taking steps to find a little sunshine. You deserve happiness!!

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Carol Ann,

I am so glad for you that the memorial was a good experience for you. I think that you are right, and that Melissa was encouraging you to go to the memorial. Also happy that your experience with talking to the man who's wife was a suicide was a positive one. Both of my oldest sister's daughters are lesbian, and I do understand to some degree, because of them, the difficulties you face in life. Never sure how someone is going to respond to the knowledge, or if someone is going to make a remark that will hurt. I admire you for being so upfront about Melissa with this man, and am so happy that he responded to you as he did. There are really a lot of kind, accepting people out there to whom your sexual orientation does not matter one way or the other, just seems that many times the ones you run into (talking about my nieces) are not those people. For a customer to make a really stupid remark like your customer did, you just have to know she is an idiot, with a mouth that speaks before thinking. That was so rude.

Maybe an email relationship with this gentleman, who understands very well your pain, will develope, and that it can be a real blessing to you. Thinking of you, and praying for you my dear.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas