My Plans For Christmas Day

[sunstreet]

Well, I had thought I would just spend the day here alone with cat as always. However, after attending that Memorial at the Funeral Home, my whole outlook seemed to change from a feeling of emptiness and mourning what I don't have to thinking on that is no way for me to look at the glass half full.

I mustered a great deal of courage, and I sent an email to the man I met at the Memorial and let him know I was thinking on going to the Long Term Care Facility where I volunteer to play the piano, sing some Carol's, and bring some cheer to those who also have no-one and are needing some Light this Christmas. Well, he hesitated for a bit, and then said I would love to come and asked for the address. I know that Melissa is resting in even more peace this Christmas as she witnesses my growth. She would be saying "Proud of you babe"

There was a time when I thought I will never sing again, never play the piano again, not without Melissa. Boy was that thinking wrong. Melissa died but she has never left me, it was I who left me.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[nats]

Carol Ann,

Sounds positive and healing, we all should try and find something positive to do to celebrate Christmas, mine will be with my new companion and her family on Christmas Eve, with dinner and then we will attend midnight Mass, Christmas Day dinner with her Mom at noon, visit with my son in the evening, then we're leaving for a weeks vacation in the keys the day after....we both are taking things slow as we are grieving and rediscovering at the same time, but I am so thankful we have each other...

NATS

[sunstreet]

NATS,

Thanks for acknowledging my post and my growth. Thank you for sharing what your plans are for Christmas. I am happy for you that you have a companion as it must help you in this journey a great deal I imagine. I do think that some of us don't feel like celebrating at all and that is just fine. I don't think I even feel like celebrating, but this is the first year I feel like observing. The God, I believe in, the God I know, knows that for some of us, just to get out of bed, will be all we can do, and for some of us, not even that and the God I believe in encourages us, supports us, mourns with us and tells us it is ok to take as much time as we need to begin life again. The God I believe in allows us free will, and does not judge us for not feeling like celebrating, nor does He view it as negative. I guess what I am trying to say, that just being on this journey, and where ever we are in this journey is positive to me and the God I believe in thinks this way too.

Thank you for adding your original post to your signature. I am sorry, so sorry for your loss NATS. I can see your healing from then to now, and I know that God loved you then as He does now NATS. It is inspiring to see your healing from then to now, it encourages me on my journey.

I have been thinking NATS that you may find this website inspirational and perhaps you are already aware of it. It has a vast varitey of inspirational power point slide shows. I have found it helpful. I think of you because I know the love you feel for God. Others who believe in God, may also find it helpful. Anyhow here is the site: www.tommyswindow.com

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[Guest NancyL]

That sounds wonderful Carol Ann. I have noticed your new outlook from day to day and it has become so positive. I'm sure it feels good too, to be able to remember the joy you had with Melissa, and yet find new things to bring you joy today and forward into the future. That you can bring joy to others at the Long Term Care Facility is truly a special act of kindness. I'll be spending Christmas day with my son and family, they'll go home the next day so it will be fun (& short). I had originally planned on spending it by myself, and if things got too lonely I could always slip into the office and work and no one would know. That is always my escape but I haven't had to do that yet. Work takes my mind off "things" for a while. I don't know if I have the courage to go to the Long Term Care Facilities or to the rehab hospital, so I applaud you for your gift to them. Nancy

[Perkins808]

Good for you Carol Ann!

I have come to realize that I am able to pull myself out of my sadness so much quicker when I focus my attention on somebody that has it worse......and there is always someone who has it worse than me!

My kids and I are getting up early on Christmas and spending the morning volunteering at a local soup kitchen. I know it's not going to be an easy day, but I know Jeff would want us to enjoy the day....and I'm sure he will be smiling down on us, like he always is!

I hope if nothing else, everyone finds peace on this holiday.

Hugs,

Tammy

[Lainey]

Carol Ann,

Your plans for Christmas sound wonderful, and it will make such a difference to the patients.

I too have noticed the positive attitude you have had in your posts lately, I'm happy that you are healing.

Lainey

[grace10]

Carol Ann,

That sounds like a great plan. As a musician too, there is something so uplifting and special about Christmas music, and I am glad you created an opportunity for playing and sharing it with others.

I am going to a caroling event for two nursing homes tonight and singing. I just know the folks there are going to appreciate this so much! Even with memory loss, the ability to recall music and lyrics seems to still be there strongly with many!

I do not know how old you are, but here is an encouraging website for older adults who are playing music:

www.musicafter50.com.

I really have nice Christmas plans as well!

[sunstreet]

Nancy, thank you and you are right it does feel good to be able to remember the joy I had with Melissa. I believe that for some time I was only able to focus on the end, her choice to suicide. I believe, I was numb to everything as I felt the only thing to do was to bring my family members to justice for what they did to her. That was an extremely difficult task, and I believe I went back to how I was before I met Melissa, and that is devoid of any feeling, I believe I had to go back there otherwise I never would have made it through the courtcase. So at some level I was forced to only look at the end because of the courtcase. So my journey unfolded exactly as it has and that is alright.

I truly believe making the choice to go back to the Funeral Home when they had the Memorial this year was a very wise choice for me. I could feel a physical sensation in my body when I was leaving at the end. I believe this is the moment I let Melissa go from me in the physical sense and felt her presence within me now, an energy if you well and I felt so much comfort and peace it was palpable.

I relate to what you say about work being an escape for you and takes your mind of off things for awhile. Due to my health concerns, I can only work half days now and I first I felt very frightened about having all this time on my hands. In reality, it has been a blessing, because I was using work as a way to avoid my pain. I have been able to do alot of good healing work, the last while, releasing the pain, and making room for joy to come in again.

I wish you some peace this Christmas and I am happy for you that you have family to spend it with.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Tammy,

Yes, I too am able to pull myself out of my saddness so much quicker when I focus my attention on somebody else who has it worse, and I see their courage, and it inspires me.

Good for you Tammy and your kids, what a blessing you will be giving people. I know Jeff is smiling down on you all too. I am smiling at you all too. To me this is what this season is truly about, giving of ourselves, and that might be just to get out of bed on Christmas Day, that is giving, to yourself.

Hugs to you too.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Lainey,

Thank you, and yes I know it will make a difference to the patients and that warms my heart. Thanks for noticing my healing. I notice it as well. It feels good....just wish it did not have to be such an utterly excruiating journey to get here.

I wish some peace upon your heart this season.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Grace,

Thank you, and I agree there is something so uplifting and special about Christmas music. Good for you for blessing the folks at the nursing homes. And for sure, I know that even with memory loss, the ability to recall music seems to be still there for many. I expereinced this with my Father and his journey with Alzheimer's, and I see it in the residents where I volunteer whenever my health allows.

Thanks for sharing the website, I will have a look, and yes I qualify......

May you feel the spirit and peace of this season.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Carol Ann,

How I understand what you say! I have had my own share of ups and downs, trying, ever trying, but sometimes it's truly hard. I also sing and find enjoyment and peace in it. To me it was a real milestone to put up the Christmas Tree and decorations this year...not because I have to for the (grown) kids, but for ME because I find enjoyment in them. And although George is not here with me, who knows but what he can see it and enjoy it too. I hope so, he always enjoyed every festivity. It's funny how the mere thought of him can bring me peace and comfort...but also profound loss and grief. I guess that is just how it is.

I am proud of you for your marked progress, anyway, you keep trying, that's all any of us can do. Merry Christmas Carol Ann.

[Queeniemary]

Carol Ann, I too have taken notice of your growth, and you have been an inspiration to me. Our group from our local arts council sang at 5 local nursing homes earlier in the month, and it was a real blessing to me. My plans for Christmas are going to a very good friends house on Christmas Eve. It was a tradition for Mike and I to go to Steve and Joes on Christmas Eve, and it is continuing. I really look forward to it, and then after the meal, which Joe a trained chef will fix, we will all attend Christmas eve service together. Then on Christmas day, to my daughters (me bringing dressing, ham and mashed potatoes). I will miss Mike at all these events, but these people loved Mike also, and it will be good to be with them all. I am going to try to attach a picture of our group singing at the nursing homes, my friend Tom (lost his wife to cancer, 9-09) is the one with the long grey hair, my friend Dana (lost her husband suddenly 4-09) is playing the fiddle, and I am the one in front in the reddish and gray jacket. We had so much fun, and such a blessing doing this for the nursing homes, that we are going to make it an annual event. Bless all of us this holiday season, and give us the strength to get through it.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Queeniemary]

Also wanted to tell you all about a very special evening. Our local community choir performed the Messiah. I attended, had many friends in the orchestra and choir. It was totally beautiful and inspirational. A truly lovely evening. Then later that night was the lunar eclipse, which I watched. It seemed a perfect ending to a inspirational night. I loved seeing the moon turn the rusty red, it was awesome, and then the eclipse. If Michael had been here, he would have been out on the lawn with me watching the eclipse. One year we drove up to a lookout point to watch meteor showers, both got cricks in our necks from leaning back in lawnchairs. I so miss him doing these things with me, but sort of felt he was with me, if you know what I mean. The Hallelujah music from the Messiah just made chills run over me, that was Mike's favorite part of the Messiah. Sort of rambling, up early, even though I am off work until next Monday. Going to meet a friend for lunch who worked with Mike at the jail. She and I have become good friends since his death. I am taking Mike's heavy work jackets, and pants to her to take to the jail for any of the jailers who might be able to use them. It will be good to visit with her. Mike was the Sargeant on her shift, and she misses him also. She tells me how they all still talk about him, and try to teach the new people the "Mike Bishop" way to do things. He wrote the procedures manual for them years ago. OK, enough, I am really rambling. Thanks for letting me do so. Sometimes the hurt of losing him just overwhelmes me, I still miss him so very much, guess I always will.

Grateful for this place I can come, and for all the support I receive here, just from reading the posts.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[sunstreet]

Kay,

Thank you so much for witnessing my progress and for being proud of me. I am happy for you that you reached the milestone of putting up the Christmas Tree and decorations this year and you did it for YOU...BRAVO! I am proud of you. I also feel sad for I know the journey you have been on to get to this milestone. It has not been easy, I know because I have been on my own.

Merry Christmas to you Kay, and may experience some peace this season.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Mary (Queeniemary),

Thank you for noticing my growth. I thank you for telling me that I am an inspiration to you as knowing this has touched me deeply and warms my heart. I am so happy for you that you know the blessings of your offerings to the residents of the nursing homes. Sadly, so many of our elderly are placed in care facilities and forgotten. I see it too may times. I applaud you and your group for the work you do to bring a moment of love to the residents. Thank you for sharing a picture of your group, wonderful! I know how hard it is to continue with traditions when Mike is no longer able to be with you in body. I am proud of you for your courage in continuing with these traditions. I am sure Mike is beaming with joy as he sees you living life again.

Thank you for sharing about a very special evening when a local community choir performed the Messiah. I feel like I was there just by your description, thank you. I am so happy you had the opportunity to go and experince such a blessing. It is so hard to give ourself anything when we are grieving and that is why it is just so good when others can give us something, till we again can give it to ourselves, and then we can give it to someone, who can not give it to themselves yet. Such a blessing!

Thank you for sharing more about Mike and his work. What a blessing to have become good friends with one of his co-wokers. And Mary, please at least as far as I am concerned, ramble as much and as often as you feel the need. I understand how the hurt of Mike's death overwhelms you at times. I know how you miss him so. Hugs to you.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Korina]

Giving back to others, no matter what our personal circumstance, I believe is always a positive emotional/psychological experience, and in our cases, healing. There are many words of encouragement in this thread - a wonderful thing at this difficult time of year.

Korina