Do You Loathe Yourself?

[emptyinside]

I really hate myself. I feel like I'm this emotional headcase now that everyone probably sees as crazy. I don't like who I've become in grief. I just want to be well-adjusted and normal, like I used to be. Now I find myself crying sometimes, longing for the good old days when things were normal, and I'm just not happy. I can enjoy some things, but they're brief feelings. I feel there's a darkness that's riding with me all the time, and now I feel like such a weak loser. I don't really know who I am, but whoever this is, it's a disgusting person I don't want to live with.

[west]

Be patient and you will come out of this. it is not easy and there are many of us who feel as you do. We wil continue and win the journey. Take heart, it will change and you will be able to love yourself again. Be strong and take a minute at a time.

[beakerj]

I really hate myself. I feel like I'm this emotional headcase now that everyone probably sees as crazy. I don't like who I've become in grief. I just want to be well-adjusted and normal, like I used to be. Now I find myself crying sometimes, longing for the good old days when things were normal, and I'm just not happy. I can enjoy some things, but they're brief feelings. I feel there's a darkness that's riding with me all the time, and now I feel like such a weak loser. I don't really know who I am, but whoever this is, it's a disgusting person I don't want to live with.

It was very strange reading this as I could have written this word for word myself. Everyone here will have better advice than I do, I just wanted to say that you're certainly not the only person to feel this way in grief. I'm holding on to the fact that 'grief-brain' is real & it doesn't see things right, & that my friends still love me, & see ME still.

Wishing you better days.

Becka XXX

[niamh]

Em,

I'm SO SORRY you feel like a loser and hate yourself ...,I just want to say I think you are anything but that.you've been a true friend to me this year and your kindness and understanding knows no bound.

Sometimes I feel like i've become so bitter,I don't like being around people who are oozing happiness with life but then I think of the enormity of what I'm dealing with and just try to be gentle with myself.

I wish I could say the words that could change your mind. I'm proud to have you as a friend and there is not enough thanks in the world for all you've shared with me.

Sending a big hug dear friend and much hope that you can find some love for yourself coz I certainly have loads for you Em.

ni

xoxo

[Princesspeanut]

Wow I totally agree. I feel like you are inside my head speaking about my feelings. Wow, since I lost my Dad I hate myself more and more. I dont like the person that I have become, yet everytime I try to change it I get thrown back to my old feelings and habits by my grief. I loved going out and partying, loved it. Now everytime I go out with friends all I want to do it be at home, on the couch. It does not help that I gained at least 15lbs in the last 2 months, my skin is terrible and I look like I have aged 10 years. So now the hatred of my outsides begin. I have no motivation to go to the gym. And the worst part about it is that I feel like I deserve to feel this way or that I shouldn't get better. Im so lost in my rollercoaster of emotions. I keep going on and off bad habits. I will start smoking and then quit and start and quit. The same cycle happens with drinking, anti-depressants and cutting. I have some good weeks and then its back into the same old habits. Or Im trading one bad habit for another. I don't know if ill ever feel like myself again and that scares me.

[STARKISS]

Hi, I just wanted to add that I have been seeing a counsellor and I too have extreme problems with this... My therapist is working with me so that i can love myself again... We are doing mirror work right now and what it is is that I am too look into the mirror and say these words out loud...

I LIKE MYSELF BECAUSE ...... she told me to say this first because I could not say the word love and still can not.... SO NOW YOU MIGHT THINK IT IS SILLY BUT YOU WILL BE SURPRISED HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN NOT SAY THIS TO THEMSELVES... the first time i said it infront of the therapist holding a hand mirror and looking in it, it took several minutes and she had to keep encouraging me to look into the mirror... she finally said if you can not do it for you than do it for your mom and I did say it but it took along time... the next week it still took along time and so she told me to look into the mirror and repeat after her and than i had to do it all by myself and it was so hard to do.. .. She told me it would get better so that is my wish for you that it will get better in time for us all....shelley

[Tiff]

I totally here you there, when you say you hate who you have become. I do not feel week or like an idiot or anything, but I have become this heavy person, and it gets old to the people who care about you. I miss my grandmother more than anything and I would do anything to have her back! Anything! She allowed me and my grandfather to have a common ground of love, and now that she’s gone we have a common ground of hate, frustration, hostility, guilt, anxiety, depression, etc…. I hate the person I have become. Shortly after her death I got wasted one night took a slipping pill and a few xanex, aspirated and went into renal failure because no one found me for two days and I didn’t wake up. I almost died myself, that’s embarrassing because at first it was thought that I OD’ed to kill myself, and that I took ton’s of pills and drank lots. But that wasn’t the case after much research, as I didn’t remember much except the fight I got in with grandpa earlier that day. I have gained 30+ lbs, I used to run 4 times a week, and now I can barely walk because of shin splints, but I still exercise, I am still fat! I do not want to date, or go out socially because of it, if I have had sex it’s been because I was really really drunk and then felt bad about it the next day. I’m normally a very sexual person, and not so much I’m ashamed of anything I have done sexually since her death. I hate what I have become, I do not talk to anyone anymore, I talk to my grandpa and most of the time we fight. I’m losing touch with the real world to be honest, and I know it’s happening and can’t seem to stop it. I’m not an addict or alcoholic but I sure have abuse alcohol and I have since she died, and have done many a things I wish I could take back. I’m lost without her, so lost! My parents hate my grandpa (I’m adopted by my aunt and uncle and my grandparents are my birth mothers parents). I have to split holidays go with grandparents one day parents the next. I spend every damn holiday alone completely this year, because I got in such a massive fight with my grandpa I knew I did not want to go out and ruin other peoples days. I knew I was not emotionally stable enough to be around others so I stayed in. I flew across states to be home with my prick grandpa while he went to a friends house where I told him I wouldn’t go. If I was not so moody and set off so easily, it would not be an issue, so hear me when I say I am accountable for my present position. But But But………………………….. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

[loulou]

Im sitting here,struggling with this right now.I dont like the person I have become since Dad died.I'm an emotional wreck.I have no urge to connect with anyone.I have started becoming reclusive and never even want to brush my hair.Everything even a little bad happens,and it leads me right back to my Dad and my grief.After a year,is this normal,or is it me making it worse?No one likes who I have become.My fiance told me he didnt want to be with my negative ass for the next 20 years.Guess what?I dont blame him.I dont want to be with him anymore because I'm so stuck in my pain that I just want to be left alone.My brother has stopped talking to me,I think I make his grief worse.If I try talking to my mom about dad she just reminds me how much he used to yell at me as a kid.Or that he always gave my brother more love.I dont remember it that way,but she has hated my dad for 20 years.She cant stand that I love him and miss him so much.One of the best things about my dad was the joy he had for life,and how happy he was even through the toughest circumstances.Then I look at myself...I want my kids to remember how happy and fun I was when I die.But as of now,they will probably remember how much I cry.I'm so wrapped up in this darkness,and I'm starting to feel comfort from it.Will I ever get over this?I also struggle with pills.I just had a baby 2 months ago so I stopped them while I was pregnant,but already have started taking them again.I figure what the hell?I'm prescribed them,but I know that nothing helps.

[emptyinside]

Hi Loulou,

I'm so sorry that you're in the same boat. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have these feelings along with a new baby.

It's so wrong of your mom to say that. Just because he used to yell at you as a kid doesn't mean you can't miss him a lot now. Well, I hope you know that it's your right to love your dad in spite of your mom's feelings about him.

I hope you find peace, and congratulations on your new baby. ((HUGS)) I wish I could wave a wand and make this go away for everyone.

Emptyinside

[loulou]

Thanks Em,I really dont post much anymore,but the last few days I have been really down.I didnt know how to deal with it,and it really helps getting it out.Thanks for replying.I hope someday I will start to like myself again.hugs and peace to you.

[hello123]

Hi Loulou, Im so sorry for how you;re feeling and esp how people are acting towards you and saying stuff but thats what everyones liek only want to be around you if youre fun to be around it sucks but just means that these phases of sadness will come and go all the time I think, I get them too but just tend to avoid being around people when I'm feeling down and just want to cry but when you want cheering up yeah keeping busy and doing stuff will be a good distraction but if you just wanna be sad do that too! Maybe its being aggravated by having had a baby? post natal depression or something, I hope you feel a bit better soon

[BellaRosa]

I can relate to just about everything that you all have said above. Since my mom passed, I've been in a horrible depression. I don't want to do anything except be at home, unless I'm with my husband or my dad. I don't want to go out with friends, and the times that I've tried, I've just felt awkward and anxious to get home and feel safe. I guess I feel like at home, I don't have to pretend to be happy or even just OK -- I can be depressed and sad and no one will judge me. Plus, at home, I don't have to deal with overly happy people who just drive me nuts.

I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to move ahead and have children and give them a good life like my mom gave me, but I don't know how to go back to who I was before. I feel like that person died along with my mother and now I'm this bitter, depressed, and angry person.

[STARKISS]

Hi All, Since i have been on this grief journey I have found out that it has so much other things involve within the grief for example i have noticed I do not love myself, I find that I second guess myself since I started the grief journey and I do not like having people around either... But also when I am alone I hate it... Strange right?? Shelley

[niamh]

Oh boy do I get this too.Lou am so sorry you're so down and of course a new baby brings so much stress too. I hope u feel even a tiny bit "better" or just not as bad when you get this MSG. Love ya loads and I think ur great (((hugs)))

I don't necessarily not like me but some of my thinking is definitely skewed and it's frustrating.I'm noticing more and more how insecure and paranoid I get,stupid things like a friends phone going to voicemail and I think she's ignoring not in the mood for me,just completely overthinking and oversensitive expecting people want to not be around me,thinking they are politely trying to ditch me but it's all so wrong.

But I try to share that with them and that "helps" a tiny bit.

I don't like that I'm so needy and need so much reassurance from people and I don't know how that will change without my Dad here to guide me and set me right again.

Becka,I get the wanting to be at home so much,it's my safe place and yep don't have to put on a face there and don't have to see those oozing with the happiness of life,I struggle very much with that. I do go out a little more now,there's a coffee shop near me that was never here when Dad was around and I find that a safe place,no old memories,nothing related to my old life so it's a complete new thing,new routine going there.

I've had to change all old routines trying to find some "safety".

In the end I think everyone here deserves a big pat on the back for simply being aware of all these changes and effects on us....it's got to be a good thing being aware of it.

((big hugs)) to each of you

N

xo

[keyboardplayer]

To the lady whose fiance says he didn't want to be with her because she is negative, you're an awesome human being, but you're going through one of the worst things a person can go through. If he can't be there for you and support you during this difficult time, he needs to learn what unconditional love is.

[loulou]

Hi everyone!Thanks for the support.@hello-I think my emotions are turned up due to the baby.Or hormones i'm sure.Thank you for the support,and I hope your doing ok as can be.@my dear friend Niamh,you of course are spot on.I did feel like I wanted support from other people,but no one provides it,so now I'm just pissed.I hope you are well,and I'm so happy you have started going to meetings.I hope they help some.@Bella-thats exactly why I'm becoming reclusive.I never wanna leave,and that has never been like me.I'm glad you have some support at home.peace to you,@starkiss,that may sound weird to some,but not me.I always want to be alone,then when I'm alone I feel SO alone.It does sound silly typing it,but its true.peace to you.@keyboardplayer,that was so sweet of you.Unconditional love is what I need and wonder if I will ever have it again since he died....I just wonder if I'm prolonging my grief,or if its normal to still be grieving so much a year in?Everyone on this site is so great.I'm blessed to have a place to turn.I wish everyone love and happiness.Thankyou

[Princesspeanut]

LouLou,

My mom is the same way! I wanna love her and love every second of her because now that my Dad is gone, I can't bear to lose her too but wow, yes I feel like she is jealous of all the attention or energy i spend greiving for my Dad (they were divorced). I feel like because she has her parents she cannot relate and she wants me to just "get over it already" attitude. Its been only 5 months! Ou tof respect for my father and his memory I do not choose to druge up bad things, just remember the good and it seems that shes the opposite. I know shes hurting too, but her comments are hurtful. When I rest flowers where my Dads ashes were spread she said "Thats a waste of money" because it was winter. But My Dad saw me there, he saw me paying my respects to him and acknowleding him. To me, no money can be too much for that. My sister has also stopped talking to me, for being "immature" because I called her out for not asking how I was ONCE since my Dad died. Your Dad sounds like a wonderful guy

[Princesspeanut]

Thinking of you. I know how you feel, it's easy to get caught up and escape. Just remember that your grandmother wants more for you. Your a good person, experiencing a hard time

[loulou]

princess,I'm sorry you have the same issue with your mom.It is painful when I want to talk about my Dad and she just makes a hurtful comment.I always think the same,she has never lost someone she loves.Her GRANDMA just passed away two weeks ago,and that was the only person she has lost.I choose to think of all the good things about my dad.He absolutely had plenty of faults,but the good things about him greatly out weigh mistakes.I wish I would have taken the time to realize how special all the little things about him were,while he were alive.