Lost My Fience'

[martina]

Well its been 14 days now. Can I say its gotten any easier? Um not really,but its different. I get angry, angry at God, at myself, at my fience'and just at the world. Then I will cry buckets of tears for short intervals. The nights are the worst, the loneliness and heartache are still there. I have pictures of him on the wall and talk to them (him)all the time. I feel like im losing my mind with sadness and depression. Is all this normal? People have been extra nice, they invite me over to hang out, but it just feels so wrong to me, wrong to be there trying to act ok, when im not ok. I dont know what to do, Im so lost still. I feel abandoned and so empty without him around. I just wonder are these feelings to wierd or am I normal to have these kinds of feelings? We were supose to be married this month,I was so excited, and now,its just so hard to get thru each day.

[kayc]

Oh yes, those feelings are very normal. You will experience all kinds of feelings and they're all normal. Just remember that feelings don't have to make sense, they just are...they're an emotional response to something. I am so sorry you lost your fiance, I imagine this month is going to be very hard to get through? If you don't mine my asking, what date was your wedding set for?

[mfh]

am I normal to have these kinds of feelings?

It is all normal and it won't go away quickly...being with friends is hard but being distracted a little bit helps your body relax a bit. We can't sit home and cry all day every day. It is 9 months and i still cry daily. I know that is not good news but it is real...like for most you read on here. You were also at a peak in your life anticipating your marriage to your fiance and now you are at an all time low for he is gone. Be patient with yourself, talk to those who will listen and let you cry, know that this is not a short road...that is the truth. MFH

[Dimcl]

Martina, I feel so badly for you. I'm just past the two-month mark and I still wonder if I'm going crazy at times. Glenn and I were together for 33 years and I still have a hard time believing that this has happened. In times of such stress, your brain can play big tricks on you.

The people on this forum have been very kind and supportive, though, and have assured me that nothing is crazy so long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else. You have to use whatever works for you to cope.

We all know about the anger at your loved one, at the world, at everything and everybody. This is quite normal. You lash out at everything, because you need someone to blame for your grief and loss.

Please come back and tell us about yourself and your fiance. Talking always helps.

Di

[sunstreet]

I am sorry for your loss. Wanted to welcome you here and to let you know it is safe here. Keep talking it helps.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[wmjsca]

Hi Martina. I, too, lost my fiance and it will be three months on January 22. I understand how you feel. I never got the chance to say my vows, either. I don't cry everyday anymore, but I'm sad all the time.

It's good to try to get back into some type of activity, no matter how small it may be. I think it's good to feel as though you have control of something. Death is a horrible thing, it's just so final and there are so many things left undone, unsaid. You are not only grieving your fiance's death, but also the death of your dreams that will never be fulfilled.

Anger is part of the process, I am still angry, too. Each one of us grieves individually and no one can tell you what's right or wrong.

Keep coming back to the forum. We all understand.

Take care.

[martina]

Thank you, it is so heartbreaking. We had so much to look forward to, so many dreams. Now he's gone and everyday is so hard to get thru. How do you manage? 3 months, has the pain eased up any at all? Im so sorry you had to go thru this as well.

Im so devastated,angry,sad,all rolled up into one. Its such a mixed bag of emotions and so difficult to cope with.

Im wondering if I should see a counseler.Have you? I just feel like my world has been turned upside down. Everytime I think im done with the tears, more tears come along. Im going to need a boat soon.

[Dimcl]

Martina, your loss is so fresh, so new, so raw, that right now you probably don't know what you need. Do you feel that a counsellor would help? If so, go see one. I thought about that when I lost Glenn a little over 2 months ago, but I'm a fairly well-read person and realized that there's probably nothing a counsellor could tell me that I can't read about and figure out on my own. It's an individual decision. I like to think that I'm fairly self-sufficient, so I choose to go through this without outside help. Except for this forum, of course. The folks here have been much more help than I could have believed possible. But, if you think a counsellor would help, by all means, you should do it.

The pain doesn't really "ease up", Martina. It changes. And it changes from day to day. You develop coping strategies to get you through the days and some days, none of them work. I told myself early on that I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself, but realized fairly quickly that's just silly. I have every reason to feel sorry for myself, as do you. Now, when I'm having an especially hard day, I let it happen. I don't expect much of myself and I cry the tears I have to cry and I have my "pity party" and it helps.

And, you know what? You won't likely be done with the tears for a long time. And they'll strike you at the oddest moments, moments that you're not expecting. Those moments have been the hardest for me. But, I get through them, each and every time.

Please tell us about your fiance. Talking about our loved ones is something we can do, and none of us here on this board ever gets tired of listening. Please tell us about him and about your life together and about your plans and dreams. It my hurt like crazy while you're doing it, but you will also be reinforcing his life, and your lives together, in your mind. And believe it or not, it will very likely help.

[martina]

David was 39 yrs old, and we met while working at the local animal shelter. It was love at first sight. He could make me laugh just by looking at me, he had a crazy sense of humor! He loved animals and nature so much. He taught me all about the stars and constellations, and on really cold nights we would sit outside for hours just looking up at them. And storms, he knew how far off one was, and what kind of lightning was streaking across the sky. Sometimes we would hear the coyotes yelping in the distance, and he would say, that ones lonely and calling for a mate, then he would look at me and say, I'm glad I don't have to yelp for mine,she's right here.

He got severely sick and went to the hospital on Nov 22 and Died Dec 22.Renal failure. He was a diabetic and had other health issues also. I held his hand so tight while he was passing on, I was so scared and so heartbroken,I never left his side. On the last day, he opened his eyes so wide, took one last gasp, closed his eyes and that was it. My love was gone,forever. Life is so delicate.

This is hard to type, but like you said, it somehow calms me. I dont know why, but it does. Thank you. I will type

more as the days go by.

[Dimcl]

How lucky you were that you were with David when he died. And how lucky for David. My Glenn died all alone and that is something that I will regret until my dying day. He was getting better. He'd been in hospital for 5 days after surgery and when I left him on Sunday evening, we were talking about making arrangements with the doctor in the morning to have him come home. I got a phone call at 2:15 in the morning, telling me that he had died from heart failure. How I wish I had stayed! Glenn had never had anything wrong with his heart and his death came as a shock to everyone. How I wish he had been able to wait until I was with him the next morning!

David sounds like a lovely man. A guy who loves animals and nature and knows about the constellations sounds like a terrific guy. And your comments about him teaching you things really hit home for me. There was a 22-year age difference between Glenn and I, and because he was so much older, he had oodles of life experience that I didn't have when we started out. He was a brilliant man and taught me so much.

I don't know how long you two were together, Martina, but try and focus on the memories. It sounds trite, but focusing on the fears and regrets gets us nowhere. I've spent the last two months raging at the world, at the unfairness, at being 56 years old with no future in front of me, and I know that I'm only hurting myself. I think that all of us here have been through this anger and have realized that it's fruitless.

And the reason that talking about David calms you is because you're telling us about your love. You're passing on who he was and that is very important to all of us. We need to be able to tell whoever will listen about our loves.

[Chrissie]

Martina, Thank you for telling us about David. It made me smile and I could just picture the two of you so in love, sitting together outside just enjoying each other. My Tim also was diabetic and had a lot of other health problems. He was in Hospice when he died. I'm glad you were able to be with David when he passed. Tim passed within 15 minutes after I left just to run home to let out the dog. I got the call when I was still driving home. That is one thing I've really had a hard time with. You are going to have your ups & downs but try to eat and rest as much as possible. We are all here for you so keep coming back.

Chris

[martina]

Thank you for making me feel so welcome here. I wasnt sure how this forum was going to go, I just knew I had to find a warm loving place, and this is it.

Davids brother had been up to see him everyday,and even stayed over at the hospital many nights as well. But on the 22, in the morning,Davids mom called and wanted his brother,Gary, to come home for a cpl of hours to help straighten up the house. See, we all thought David would come home to pass. Hospice had been talking to us and they were going to be coming to the house routinely to check on him and do whatever needed to be done.

Anyway, his mom is a bit of a clutter junkie, and she wanted the place to look a bit neater when Hospice came over.So Gary said, I'll go help her and be back as soon as I can. I was like ok, hurry, bye. So I was there with David, holding his hand,praying for a miracle,praying and just feeling so emotionally over whelmed.

Well, at exactly 12 o'clock he passed on. Davids brother didnt get back in time, and its taken a toll on him also. He was so angry that he had left,felt bad that I was there alone dealing with him passing,felt like he should've been there and wasnt.

But you know what I think, I think David wanted his brother not to see him go. Its just a feeling that I have. Im not sure how well Gary wouldve handled that. Gary had been doing everything under the sun to try to save David from passing. from buying vitamens and health foods to researching on the internet information that might help save his life.

So I think it all worked out for the best.

I KNOW you wanted to be there for your husband, but maybe he thought you should remember him as alive, and not having to watch him die. Im sure its been such a heartache for you and I understand so completely your feelings.

[Deb625]

Hi Martina, Welcome to the group no one wants to belong to, but all are grateful that it is here... As everyone has said, simply be gentle with yourself, it is early days and the feelings will overwhelm you, death of a loved, especially a partner/spouse is just not fair and it takes a long time to learn to walk in the new shoes we've been given. It will be just one foot in front of the other and sometimes one minute at a time to get through a day sometimes. I lost my Michael at the age of 45 on May 16/10, I am so much "better" than I was in the first foggy few months, however, 7 1/2 months I'm still learning to cope in the new world of widowhood... We don't "get over this", someone said, we get through it - with help from our friends, family and support like we find on this site... Try to eat, drink plenty of water, sleep and breathe... Take care, Deb

[wmjsca]

Hi Martina. I see you're posting regularly. That's going to help. I began posting a few days after Clint died and that was the only thing that helped at first. Any time of the day and even during the nights (which were and still are the most difficult). David was blessed to have you there until the very end. I was with Clint when he took his last breath. He struggled to hold on, but his body was too damaged to go on any longer. I don't know if he knew I was there with him, but he squeezed my hand really tightly before he died and I hope that means he heard me say how much I loved him. Clint was not sick and had no chronic illnesses, which was why terminal cancer was such a shock. No one knew. He died within four days of his diagnosis. I didn't have time to even grasp the cancer before I had to deal with his death. It is the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. He had just celebrated his 53rd birthday, just retired six months ago and barely collected six retirement checks. I cannot believe he's gone.

I know the horror, shock and sadness you feel. It's like walking around in a daze, but you are still here. The world keeps turning and you're standing still. Life goes on for everybody else, but for us, it's suspended. I can't even tell you what all I did to get through these three months. People stopped calling after the funeral, as though everything is alright now. They tell me to get over it, he's gone now. They think three months is enough time and that I shouldn't even still talk about it! No one knows this pain unless they've experienced it.

I do have a counselor and it has helped me greatly. She's there even though everyone else seems 'tired' of hearing about my story. I tell it over and over again to whomever will listen. It is necessary for us to do that. It's just not always possible to get people to listen.

Just know, you will go through this at your own pace. There is no specific timeline. Cry whenever you need to. We get better by allowing ourselves to feel all the pain. I still cry, just not as often. The sadness is what lingers the longest. I miss him. He was my friend and really the only family I had.

I understand and you are not alone.

[martina]

The heartache and that lost feeling is so strong. Its like a part of me is missing and I keep trying to connect it back,you know? but cant grasp it.Its like chasing a kite string in a strong wind, you feel like you almost have it, but then it blows away just out of reach. Thats how it feels to me. Does that make sense?

His mom and brother cleaned out a lot of his things today and some last night. It was just terrible to see them pack his stuff up.So finale. I wanted to say, "wait, he still needs all that"! They were very nice though and told me whatever I wanted to keep tell them, and I could have it. I wanted his shirts,his shoes,his gloves,his coats!! Anything that he had wrapped his body in I wanted. I have in my drawer,a can of his dip, Grizzly long cut straight, and I like to take it out and smell it. Its like roses to my nose. Did any of you have problems with letting go of those things that you know your loved one wore or just things you couldnt bear to let go?

I wear Davids watch, and it beeps at a quarter to every hour, and I find myself saying.. Hi Honeybunny ( that was my nickname for him)

I do find I sleep, then wake up often. Look out the window a lot too. Pace, cry, and just have that, I know i must be losing my mind here, but I CANT help it.

Nobody seems to want to talk about it with me either. His mom and brother will, but its like they'ed rather not. I know it hurts so bad they just cant go there. And of course the will thing is keeping them busy. I leave the room, because I cant stand to hear about it.

[Chrissie]

Martina,

Everything you've said is so normal, if there is a normal to grief. Tim died almost a year ago, it will be a year the 31st of this month, and I still have his hat where he always hung it and his watch that I took off his arm the night he died, still sits on a table right next to my chair. You described the heartache so well. I am doing better and have gotten stronger but I'll always feel like a part of me is missing. He was the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate, he was my other half, as I'm sure David was to you. I'm glad you found this site. Everyone here understands and cares about each other. I come to it everyday, sometimes I post & sometimes I just read. This is not an easy journey but with each other we can make it.

Chris

[Dimcl]

Martina, not letting go of our loved ones things is an extremely common occurance. My Glenn still used an old-fashioned shaving brush until I bought him an electric razor for the hospital stay (he only used it three times and now what do I do with it?). The brush with the scent of his shaving cream is still in the medicine cabinet and when I smell it, the image of Glenn is so strong for a second that it's almost like I have my arms around his neck in a big hug. I do the same with his deodorant. The sense of smell seems to be very evocative and can almost break your heart at times.

Until yesterday, I wore Glenn's old wristwatch that he'd had for 20 years. It finally stopped working for good about 2 months before he died, so he bought a new one. The new one means nothing to me, but I bought the old one for him years ago and he wore it forever. I've lost weight since Glenn's death, however, and the clasp had started to wear and I've been having problems keeping it on my wrist the last two months, so I put it away in his shaving kit this morning, along with his glasses, the pair of socks (unwashed) that he was wearing in the hospital, his pocket knife, etc.

I know what you mean about wanting to keep anything that David wore. For me, it's shoes and slippers and gloves that are the hardest. Glenn's slippers are still sitting on the bedroom floor where he last took them off. They were moccasins and one leather lace was always coming undone and I'd point it out to him and tell him he should retie it because I didn't want him tripping on it and breaking his neck. That darned lace was untied when he last took those slippers off and they're sitting there, looking like he'll walk in and slip them on at any moment and I'll have to remind him to fix that lace.

Please don't expect too much of yourself, Martina. You are very new to this experience and NOTHING you are talking about is the least bit crazy. I'm past 2 months into this journey now, and I'm finding that, if anything, it's getting worse instead of better. There are probably a lot of reasons for that (early darkness, lots of snow keeping me housebound and giving me cabin fever), but before this happened to me, I thought that "getting over" something like this was a slow progression. Since being on this site and now experiencing it for myself, I find that's not really the case, at least in the early times. It's a roller coaster and you never have any idea where the ups and downs are. I don't want to scare you with this news, but simply let you know that you might experience this.

Please just keep coming back here as your first step. We want to hear about David and we want to help you as best we can and, in time, you'll be able to help us, too.

[kayc]

You don't NEED to let go of anything you don't want to! My neighbor lost his wife seven years ago and STILL has all of her stuff. Partly not wanting to deal with it, and partly I'm sure it brings him comfort. It's up to you and you alone if/when you let go of anything, but it's not something I'd worry about.

You asked if the pain lessens any, yes, it does get more bearable. It changes form, from excruciating pain to intermittent waves of it, to a dulled numbness, to eventual getting more used to it. Now, when I think of George, more often than not, I feel comfort.

[wmjsca]

Martina, I have finally packed the bulk of Clint's clothing and have three large boxes in the living room, ready to take over to his family to distribute to his sons. This is after almost three months. I probably would have waited even longer, except it's winter here and I want his sons to have use of the outer clothing. I didn't have such a hard time with the majority of his clothing, just those things he regularly wore. I kept all his uniforms because I know how much he loved his job. I kept the shoes he wore most often, especially his last pair of work shoes. He walked his last mail route in those shoes. I just can't part with them. I suppose there are things I'll keep forever and that's okay.

You don't have to do anything right now. If you feel comfortable having family help with this process fine, but don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or move through the process. Your life has been severely affected and you need time to adjust. Keeping things that belonged to David are going to give you comfort in some ways right now. We can't just wipe them out of our memories by removing their physical effects...that's just not how it works for most of us. Outsiders are insensitive, sometimes, to what should be done after someone's death. His family will not be affected as you are. Some things you will have to do differently. Keep whatever you need of his right now. You will know later whether anything needs to change.

I kept Clint's work sweaters and shoes in the living room in plain sight for months. It gave me peace. Part of me felt that I shouldn't remove anything because I guess, unconsciously, I thought 'he was only going to be gone temporarily but would need them when he got back'. I needed that comfort then. I'm a little better now. I can, at least, let go of some of it.

[LostmyHoney]

Martina,

I am so very sorry for your loss. It has been 4mo and 6days for me. The day my Honey past I made the mistake of getting his stash of pics out from under the bed while his sister was there. I was in such a daze I wasnt sure what all she took, saying she was going to get copys made. When she returned the pics there were only a few...anyway I have enough to keep me happy. I just got home from the goodwill where I donated my Honey's new shoes his jeans and button up shorts. His sweat pants, strechy shorts and t-shirts Im keeping as I can wear them and often do. I may not have done any of this if I wernt planing to move back to Nevada at the end of March. Three months will be over fast and Im trying not to let it snowball on me. I just do what I can even if I have to cry while doing it. I hope you can find some peace.

Rachel

[martina]

Ive hesitated to come back and type this. Its so morbid. But im going to see if any of yall ever did this. I keep replaying over and over his dying. The last few moments, his eyes opening up, then closing again, his last breath. I try to block it out,but can't.. and when I see it in my mind I get this sick feeling in my stomach.

I wonder what it was like for him, was he scared, what was he thinking, what was he seeing. Did he know I was holding his hand? All these things just run thru my mind... Am I losing my mind or what? Did any of you ever go thru this kind of torture?

And yes, Ive got his shoes right here by my bed. And a lot of his shirts. I even sleep wrapped up in one of his shirts when I go to sleep at night. Ive finally been able to sleep with the light off though.

I hope im not upsetting anyone by asking these questions, I dont wont to stir up anyones heartaches.

[Susie Q]

Dear Martina

You can't upset anyone here - we know! The pain, despair, heartache, constant replays and waves of sobbing are all part and parcel of the lives of this group.

It's been 16 mths for me and most days I can look and seem normal (people judge this as me 'coping better') only those who have gone through it will understand that it's all a charade. What changes is that you are able to pretend for some parts of the day after a while. I look forward to the time when I really do feel Ok for some parts of the day.

You mustn't expect that these feelings will go away easily or quickly. But why would they if you had a great love for him?

Accepting this means that this could be a long process. I have been able to give myself permission to feel bad / low/ depressed when it hits me. That came with help from a counsellor. It was the best thing for me because it meant that I am giving myself time to adjust to this upside down world. I'm not the same person I was, so I, and every one else needs time to get used to that.

Be kind on yourself and come back often...Susie Q

[Dimcl]

Oh, I've replayed Glenn's time in the hospital over and over and over again in my mind, especially the last hours I spent with him. I even went so far as to get copies of the hospital records so that I could find out as much as I could about his last hours, because I wasn't there. When I read those records, I was devastated, because I found out that he was up walking and talking not an hour before his death. I also found out that during two of the six nights he was agitated and confused and had been found walking in the hallway, had pulled his IV out, hadn't let the nurses reinsert it, had kept asking for the doctor. Nobody told me those things. When I'd get to the hospital first thing in the morning, he'd be fine. I had to find that out through the records. So, yes, I've let my imagination run wild. I've told myself again and again how frightened he must have been. I wonder if he called for me.

Since then, I have tormented myself with those thoughts. I also replay my nightmare trip to the hospital after I got the call that he had died (at 2:15 in the morning)and see his poor, dead body in the bed, already growing cool. His head was cocked at an angle that I thought odd and I even tried to straighten it at one point. After I read the records, I found out that a breathing tube had been one of the procedures used when they tried to resuscitate him and I figure that was the reason. Needless to say, I replay over and over, viewing my love's body for the last time.

Martina, if the memory of David's death is unsettling, learn to replace it with something else. When you think of it, tell your brain to think of your time together star-gazing or some other special memory. I've had to do that with certain memories and it doesn't take too long for your brain to sort of "click" and get the message.

But I want to say again how comforting for him it must have been to have you there. And I'm sure he knew. Try to hold on to that thought. Keep in mind that he did not die alone, that he had someone there who loved him very much. Not everyone is that lucky, Martina.

So, no, you're not going crazy (and it's not morbid). What you're experiencing is perfectly natural. And as for upsetting anyone with your questions, we're all here to support each other and talking things out is, perhaps, the best medicine for us all to heal. I would bet that there's nothing you are going through that others on this forum can't relate to.

Di

[martina]

Thank you very much for your kind understanding. Sometimes I think Im losing myself in all these thoughts and emotions. I find Im forgetting more things now,(I forgot things before but its more prevalent now) and I fall asleep at odd hours,wake up at odd hours. Im finally starting to eat, but at first, I couldn't eat anything at all. Then, when I started to nibble,Id feel guilty,because I was eating and he wasnt! Just didnt seem right to me,you know what I mean? I still find myself hurrying home to take care of him after work, then I'll catch myself and sigh.. No, nobody to hurry home to now.

I definitely understand about the charade,putting on a smile, or having chit chat, when you really dont wont to. Yep, Ive heard that comment, "OH, you look like you're doing so well" I want to say, "well, Im not, but Im pretending to be,actually I feel like crap and I i miss my fiancé' very,very much".

Anyway, thank you so much again, and I will post again soon. Please take care.

[martina]

I recall as well, David trying to get up and wander about the halls. I was called from work one time because he had ripped his IV out and didnt know where he was or what was going on.

I haven't gone to get Davids medical records yet, but plan on it soon.

I tried to stay at the hospital as much as possible with him. I have a part time job so it was a bit easier to do, but still, the times I wasnt there, I worried so much about him. He was seeing things, and imagining old friends from school being in his room. A few times he saw black snakes, but it was the cord from the TV hanging down some.

I wonder why the nurses didnt tell you those things that Glenn did? Do you think they were trying to not worry you or something? Did you find out why they never mentioned any of that?

The tormenting thoughts run so severely through my mind too. Part of me wants to replay them, the other part keeps saying, get a grip, you've got to stop this. I will always wonder if at the end, did he think about that bracelet they put on his hand about not resuscitating. It was so difficult for him to bring his self to wear it. It was just horrible to watch him cry when they put it on him. Ok, Ive got to stop, I feel the tears building up.

I do hold on to the thought of me holding his hand, I feel like he knew I was there and doing that. I pray he knew. Im very thankful that I was able to do that for him.

And thank you for being so supportive. This is a great group, and I feel very safe here.

Take care.