Another Memorial Service?

[melina]

My husband's sister wants to have his name engraved on a stone at a family gravesite where my husband grew up. His whole family comes from a town about three hours drive from here. The last time I was there we were attending my mother-in-law's funeral. I never expected that my husband would be next. I've never visited his family without him, and we're not particularly close.

My sister-in-law wants to have a memorial service this summer, on the day of his death, which fills me with horror. I told her that I don't mind an engraving and I can also bury some of his ashes there and plant a bush in his memory. We spread most of his ashes at sea, but I've kept some as I plan to spread some in the mountains - another place he loved.

But I'm not sure I can go through another memorial service. At least not on the anniversary of his death. I'm wondering if maybe we can just go down there sometime during the summer and have a quiet family gathering as we bury the ashes. For different reasons, all our sons will be around this summer until they disperse to different places to continue their studies. I thought it might be a good idea to do it then.

I got another e-mail from her this morning and have now spent two hours sobbing. Especially since she added lots of news about her own family. She's still married to a healthy husband and they have the luxury of having grown kids and grandchildren nearby. Here she is chattering about their daily activities. Their lives are untouched by grief.

I am such an emotional wreck right now.

Melina

[LostmyHoney]

Melina,

Im sorry that your struggling with yet another issue brought up by the in-law. I wish that people could be more sensetive to our feelings when the speak of ther own lives. I have had this happen all to often. I hope you recover from this emotional wreckage soon !

Rachel

[Syl]

Oh Melina,

One thing I have learned having gone through this grief thing twice is DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. Youi have to take care of your self. I find it easier to write then to tell people what I need. Right now I am writing a "Grief Letter" to friends and family explaining to them as gently as I can what I need from them. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Syl

[Deb625]

Hi Melina, our grief can be so overwhelming, I think it is hard to remember how many other peoples life our loved ones loss has touched. While they have not had a loss "like" ours, and have continued on with their lives (as they would), the do feel the loss. You might want to think how important it is to all to get together and share memories - you might just find it a little healing for you and your family. However, only you can decide what you feel you can do, if it is simply too stressful then do what you need to do. There are never any rights or wrongs here, just one step at a time. Take care, Deb

[west]

You need to do what is best for you and your children. I just went through the first anniversary of my husband and it was very emotional. going to a family cemetery may not be what you want. You need to decide for yourself what the right thing is. You will realize it and then follow your heart.

[kayc]

I'm sure she means well, and when she chatters away, it's her way of reaching out and keeping in touch, there's no way she could know the affect her words have upon you. I'm sure she's also grieved for the loss of her brother, but it's not the same as losing your husband...and some bro/sis are close and some are not so it doesn't always hit the same way.

I would simply tell her it's not happening on the anniversary of his death as that is way too hard, that you'll be glad to do (substitute what you're willing to do here) but that's all you can offer.

I learned to get pretty brazen with my grief, I had to, there was no one else to speak for me or stand up for me, and to be quite honest, people can run rampant over you when you're grieving, if you let them.

I'm sorry she upset you. (((hugs)))

[grace10]

Melina,

My mother passed on in October. A few weeks ago I received a letter from the pastor of the assisted living facility about a memorial service that was going to be held to honor those who lived at the AL and had passed on in the last five months or so. This letter aroused so many emotions in me. At first I felt grateful for this service being held, but then I felt burdened because the service was being held almost 3000 miles away from where I live and at a time that was totally inconvenient for me. The plane trip from Southern CA to Central PA is a bear too and takes up the whole day. I really could only get away for 3 days anyway. If it had been 10 days later (this week), it would have been a different scenario and I might have gone because it is spring break.

I finally said no to this and felt a sense of relief. I also decided to send flowers to this service and had them all picked out. There was not even a sense of anything positive in doing this, but I was planning on sending flowers. No, actually I felt sad.

March 21, the day of the memorial, came and went, and it was not even until the next day that I realized that the service was the day before and I never even thought of sending flowers the previous weekend and had not even thought of the service. I totally blocked this whole thing out of my mind. I am just not someone who normally does anything like this, but obviously there was a part of me that felt so strongly that I did not want to go through another service, much less send flowers to it, even though superficially I was saying oh, OK, and a part of me thought this was a very good gesture on the part of the facility. And looking back, no, I really did not want to go through another service.

My long-winded story is just a way of saying do what is right for you. Sure, other people have their ideas, and have good intentions, but maybe these good intentions are not in your best interest.

[Lainey]

Melina,

I'm not sure I can go through another memorial service. At least not on the anniversary of his death. I'm wondering if maybe we can just go down there sometime during the summer and have a quiet family gathering as we bury the ashes. For different reasons, all our sons will be around this summer until they disperse to different places to continue their studies. I thought it might be a good idea to do it then.

More pain to go through..do what you and your sons want.I think you have come up with a reasonable solution that should be acceptable to Thyge's family.

I agree with Kay that your SIL wasn't meaning to hurt you,they probably are hurting also.Sometimes when other family members talk about theirhappiness, they haven't any idea how hurtful it is to you.Syl has a good idea about writing a grief letter. People really have no clue how to handle us. I was one of those people that didn't have a clue, boy I learned quickly.

I hope you are able to make a decision you feel good about.

Lainey

[Cheryl]

HI Melina,

I think that doing anything when you're feeling pressured is a mistake. What good is a mermorial service if it brings you more anxiety and distress? But I do think it is important that you not alienate the people that are trying to do something nice. I have found that if I write out what I'm feeling I get better clarity. I don't share what I write but use it as a tool to figure out what I want to do. The hard part for me is trying to explain it to someone else. You might preface the conversation with how grateful and meaningful it is to know that other people cared so much about your husband and want to do something in his memory. Then you could share with them what you are feeling and going through. They still won't fully understand but you can be at peace that you are taking care of yourself and respecting there effort. Perhaps then they will better understand that there timing is not appropriate and will wait until you feel more capable. The most important thing is not too push yourself too far or too much. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! It is all so hard sometimes.

My thoughts are with you, Cheryl