Country Sunshine Posted April 9, 2011 Report Share Posted April 9, 2011 It has only been 67 days since my beloved passed, but sometimes it seems like forever ago and other times it is like he is still here and I go to looking for him down in his Man Cave. Today was especially difficult as a fellow from church came to look over my beloved's wood working shop with all that 40 years of serious wood crafting gathers... He chose several items, set them aside in another empty room here in the basement and asked that I come up with a price for his chosen items. The cash will help me financially, but not mentally... So many suggest that I consider selling this home as it is quite large just for me and my critters and a lot to maintain. I have a couple of acres to mow and much of it is on a hillside... and I admit I am afraid of that. But I cannot afford to pay someone $120 to mow it for me. My sentimental side tells me that my beloved and I built this place with our own hands and even drew up our own plans for it... but then on the other hand, I could cut out a couple of acres from the meadow we own and put in a double wide. It isn't as if I need a home that is built to last 50 years because I won't be here that long for sure. On one hand I love this place and all the plantings and sunroom and kitchen and the fact that I have plenty of storage space, then on the other hand, I don't need all that storage space and could very well live in a 1200 to 1500 square foot space... and I could be debt free and have a nice nest egg left over. (If I could sell this place) ... My mind is spinning from leaning one way to the other.. and toss in other options such as my niece in Wichita KS has expressed a desire for me to sell and move in with her... She and I have always been close. My daughter has yet to even express any kind of condolences on my loss.... but perhaps that is my fault. I didn't raise her as I was an unmarried woman when I found myself with child and circumastances forced me to place her for adoption. We reconected 13 years ago and it has been rocky at best. She has been extremely hateful and actually is trying to drive a wedge between me and my niece... I have no other children or family. But for me to leave these beautiful TEnnessee hills and hollows would be difficult ... I don't know if I am just blabbing incoherent circles here, and if I am, please forgive me and ignore this post.. I am just so confused and hurt and just don't know which way to turn. I have depended heavily upon my church family, but I don't want to become a bother with my crying and all... I just don't know which way to turn... My God how this hurts... Carolyn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted April 9, 2011 Report Share Posted April 9, 2011 Carolyn, It's only been 67 days and you are quite naturally a mess. There is no way you should make such a huge decision at this time. Please give yourself sometime. For almost the first year after Dick's death, I made very little sense. My mind raced in total chaos most of the time. I honestly felt like I was having a stroke, or nervous breakdown, or psychotic break, or was totally losing my mind most of the time. I think it's to be expected. I did move 9 months after Dick's death. I sold our little bungalow in Kansas and moved to Colorado. We have one child, a son, and I moved to be close to him. We have very little extended family and I just needed to be close to my son who cared and worried about me. He had been begging me to do so. I can't say that I am totally happy living here, but I would not be totally happy living anywhere without Dick. At least, I am not the "poor young widow", as I was considered in Kansas. Give yourself sometime. Find a trusted friend, minister, counselor, someone to talk to before you make any big decisions. Take some deep breaths. I think in the midst of all this, we forget to just breathe! With care and concern, Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted April 9, 2011 Report Share Posted April 9, 2011 Hi Carolyn, I actually lived with my parents until they died in 2005, they both died that year four months apart.. We sold the house I month after dad's death.. Mom died in April and dad died in August and so the house sold in September which was extremely hard on me... I had to pack up the house have the yard sales and give away my parents things and it was so hard...Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted April 9, 2011 Report Share Posted April 9, 2011 Carolyn, 67 days is way too soon for you to be making any kind of major changes in your life. I would suggest that you try to wait at least a year for that. You are still in shock and pain and may regret later something that you did now. Many years ago I always said that if something happened to Lars I would sell the house immediately. It's been 16 months and I wouldn't think of selling. The memories in this house, not only of him but the children also would be too hard to let go of at this point. As I get older and won't be able to do the yard work and snow removal I may then think of selling.I'm not one to ask the kids for help too often. Think also very seriously before you decide if you'd like to move in with your niece. It sounds wonderful, but you must weigh the pros and cons first. Maybe you could close your house and try living together for 6 months or so.I watched my Mom and Aunt do that and after a year and a half, they realized it wasn't working and my Aunt rented a place so she could have her own space. They were very close before living together, it hurt the relationship a little. I hope some of the posts are able to help you in your confusion. What you are feeling is very normal right now. Hang in there and vent as often as you want, don't worry if you make sense. We've all been there. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country Sunshine Posted April 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2011 I did manage to get something postive done this am. I got my dogs to the Rabies Clinic for their annual shots... then home again to find that the fellow that was interested in some of Bob's tools,etc.. made me a rather insulting counter offer... I have decided to just try to sell the entire wood shop contents for one price.. Including most of the cabinets. I spent about an hour going through and picking out "girl stuff" like screwdrivers, scrapers, plyers, and a few other things that I know I will use... but spending time with my beloved's things just puts me right over the edge... Every time I pick up a sander, I remember his hands working it... etc... and now I am again careening off the walls..... I don't get online much anymore except to clear out a lot of spam from my email box mostly. I don't feel as if I have anything to offer anyone here or anywhere else that is of a postive nature, but at least I feel comfortable to come here and just vent and then try to sleep off some of my frustrations. Hugs to all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted April 9, 2011 Report Share Posted April 9, 2011 You know what? I have been doing quite a bit of thinking about the first year or so after Dick's death. I have come to several huge conclusions! I honestly believe I spent way too much time trying to "keep the stiffer upper lip". I believe I spent way too much time racing home so I could cry where no one would see me and feel bad. Way too much time was spent on my part, being afraid that people would pity me. I believe I spent way too much time trying act like nothing terrible, life changing and mind numbing had just happened to me. I believe I really ended up hurting myself emotionally because I just lived in denial and so very, very angry. In retrospect, I should have been kinder to myself and just grieved. Just let people know that I was in terrible pain and I don't really care if they pitied me or car it made others uncomfortable to see me unhappy. Don't ever hesitate to vent. I know bottling up and stuffing down my feelings has not been healthy for me. If you post on here and vent, I will read your venting and answer "You Go Sista!!!" Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 I also think I'd wait a little longer before making the decision to move. I felt paralyzed two months out, but did all kinds of weird things with the house that I didn't need to do right away - like rewiring the whole place. It cost me a small fortune, but I was so afraid everything would freeze during the winter. I was ready to move too, but several people advised me to wait until I really knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be. I'm glad I did wait, since I've now made the decision to stick it out another year and see where life takes me. I simply don't have the energy to move right now. I know some people who have moved and were happy they did. Others moved and regretted it bitterly. I suppose it comes down to if you have the money to stay where you are - and how long you can stay without going broke. But I'd also rethink moving in with your niece, as Lainey said. It's a big step, moving in with someone else, and it might not be as wonderful as it sounds. It does hurt - I agree with you there. I never imagined losing someone could hurt this much. Yet here we are - we're still alive and breathing and somehow managing to get through the day. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb625 Posted April 11, 2011 Report Share Posted April 11, 2011 Dear Country Sunshine, I do believe what many have said about grief and making large decisions, that you should wait at least 6 months to a year to make any major decisions. I also remember on a "stress" scale I once read - losing a loved one, buying a home, getting married, getting a divorce - all scored 25 - the highest score... The reality is, you have to be able to live where you are financially and physically and only you know what you can do, want to do and what you (may or may not) have to do. I personally feel a person we loved is as much in the walls of where we lived, as in the little "things", the painting you bought together, the pictures... I know the largest part of my love will always be in my heart, soul, my senses and my memories. Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, give yourself time - the right decisions will come when the they feel right. Take care, Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 11, 2011 Report Share Posted April 11, 2011 I have to agree that it's way too soon to have to make such a huge decision that has lasting results. If your daughter isn't supportive, I'd cut back on that contact right now as well...talk to your niece frequently and don't worry about being a bother to your church, that's what they're there for, and if it was someone else that attended church and going through this, you know you'd be there for them. Don't try to keep a stiff upper lip either, it's okay to cry, okay to not know what to do, okay to miss him and grieve. See if you can't enlist someone else's help in setting a price for the tools that fellow wants...do you have a neighbor, male friend, or brother that could help you out with that? I remember when George died, I couldn't afford to keep his car, and I had a coworker who'd been a used car salesman and he'd offered me help so I took him up on it...he sold the car for only $500 less than we'd paid for it and this in spite of the fact George had put some miles on it and the air conditioning had just quit working! I never could have done it for that...also he detailed it and took people out on test drives, I'll never forget what he did for me! Sometimes we need other people's help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon3 Posted April 11, 2011 Report Share Posted April 11, 2011 Pieces of your story are part of my story. My husband died suddenly while we were on vacation. He was a carpenter and I too had the hard job of going thru his tools. We had a son who was devasted at the loss of his father but I was able to give him all of his Dad's tools. But going tyhrough his room filloed with all the things he owned of his own brought me such sorrow and rivers of tears that I never would have thought possible. In terms of moving........everyone told me not to move or make any major decisions in the first year. Within the month I had placed a deposit on a condo that was being built. Had I waited I never would have got the one I wanted. I put my home up for sale and was out of it 5 1/2 months after my husband's passing. I have always said the road to my new home was hell but it was worth the horrific journey because I could not stay in the house we shared. For me, that was too painful. Everyone has to come to their own decisions. Everyone offers advice, even my Mother told me not to move. In the end it is your journey. I just wanted you to know that I made the decision to move right away and for me it worked the way it was suppossed to. I hope you make the decisions that work for you in your personal journey of grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted April 12, 2011 Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 Carolyn, I have moved recently after many years with my wife in our home, her children did not honor her wishes and convey there interst to me, so I could not see paying for something that would be there's when I pass so I left...I purchased a new home a real nice home only 5 years old, now I would not recommend any major changes until after the first year but we all must do what we have to....I'm getting settled in and it's differant and very hard at times as I have no daily memories of Ruth in my new home, I can't look around and remember her sitting anywhere here, I do have her Urn and memorial where I can see it as I sit here typing and watching TV so I know she is here....but take your time because it is indeed hard another "Life Change" and more adapting...may God guide you on your way.... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country Sunshine Posted April 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 Thank you all for your input and thoughts and prayers..... If it were not for Jesus and my church family, I have no idea how I would manage to get through even one day. I really don't want to move. But I will give it a year and see how it goes then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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