Newbie Unfortunately

[pinkpony]

Hello everyone, I found this forum through "finding your way through grief" I figured it would be a good start for me since I'm not emotionally ready for a group yet, I do have a grief counselor from HOV come to my house though.

I was married to my HS sweetheart for 25yrs, last feb we found out he had stage 4 brain,bone & lung cancer(it was quite a shock do to the fact that he was only 47 & very healthy)we were told he would have 4-6months w/ treatment & 4-6wks w/o so he chose chemo/radiation. after his last chemo of the round he said he was ready to go on hospice(that was a yr ago this month)I quit my job to stay & take care of him,we had few good months & our son who is serving in afghanistan got to come home in sept, 2wk after he went back my DH passed away. we have 3 grown kids all moved away. Now nearly 6 months the numbness has worn off & I'm having to deal w/ not only being an "empty nester" but a "widow"(oh how I hate that name) too. My DH was my best friend, we had so many plans for our future & now its just me, w/ learning how to do everyday things,that he usually did. I haven't gone back to work yet, I'm not emotionally ready.

[LostmyHoney]

Hi Pink Im so very sorry for your loss. At just over 7 mo. I know what you mean about the numbness wearing off. I found this site about a mo. after my Honey past, it has been a great help! I hope that you find some peace here as I have.

Rachel

[mfh]

Hi Pinkpony, I am so sorry for your loss. I do know how it feels to have thwarted plans and future. We all know that and we know the silence that is deafening, the need to figure out a new normal and the shock that numbs. I don't even remember the two or three months following my husband's death last year. We are all here for you. mfh

[Susie Q]

Dear Pinkpony

So very sorry that you've lost someone so dear to your heart. It's a hard and long road ahead but you can survive. At 20 months without my husband I am starting to see a way ahead - still cry everyday and miss him so very much but am finding the strength to go on. Keep in touch even if you only feel like reading - this group and their wise counsel to each other and to me has kept me sane. Susie Q

[Lainey]

Dear Pink,

I'm sorry that you are going through so much pain, this is truly the hardest journey any of us will be on. Even though it is hard to believe,we do get better. The terrible pain fades to a dull ache, we never are free of it, but eventually you are able to function and see a future.

Learning to do the every day things that husbands do was tough, I hated cutting grass and pulling weeds and blowing snow. Now that it is my job, I've learned to be proud of my accomplishments.

Keep reading and posting, hopefully we will be able to help you.

Lainey

[kayc]

Pink Pony,

I am sorry you lost your husband, esp. so young. This is a good site with caring people, the best. Please continue to come here and post your feelings, you are not alone. We all go through this together. I am nearly six years out and have pretty much gotten used to it as much as one can, but it never stops the missing him. I had to go back to work two weeks after he passed (and once before to do payroll) and it was hard but my coworkers were supportive and overall I think it helped...but then my job ended and it's never been the same since. The people I work with are young and have no clue what it's like to lose your beloved husband. I wish you well in your journey...six months is one of the toughest phases, so I do hope you'll seek help with it here.

[DVLocker]

So Sorry PinkPony,

I just passed the 7th month. I wish I had taken off work to spend more time with my wife. I know the 8 hours at work kept me from care giver syndrom but, I have not forgiven loosing those hours. After she passed I buried myself in my job and take all the hours I can get. I don't know if what I am doing is healthy but, it keeps me occupied. All of our kids are grown and in states far away. My problem is once I get home I have to force myself to take care of the house. For 2 years while she was sick I was doing it all with no problem.

DVL

[pinkpony]

thank you for your encouraging words. I think one of the hardest things now if trying to figure out where I belong. I know God has a perfect plan for me, but my role in life has changed so dramatically, I was once a wife & mother & now I'm alone. I was w/ my DH since I was 16, so we grew up together, all my choices in life involved anothers opinion, my DH made me a strong independent woman, but I always had him cheering me on & now I feel lost. I don't have a lot of friends or that 1 girlfriend that I can talk to (my DH was my best friend)so all the choices I make now are completely my own & that feels weird. I'm a very wise woman when it comes to situations that arise & I don't get easily swayed, sometimes I over think things & follow my gut, but I don't want to do anything too crazy right now that will affect my future, so I'm almost too cautious(afraid of commitment big time now). My home is big & a lot of work(most I never did)& I look in the windows at night & see a family of 5 standing in the kitchen talking & laughing, or sitting at the dining room table eating & sharing our day & I think a family should be in this house not just me alone. But letting go of this family home would me letting go of all the memories of what my dh & I built together, so I know its not time to let that go. So @ 44 I'm faced w/ finding out who I am alone. I know I'm rambling, but it does feel good to share these honest thoughts.

[mfh]

Hi Pink Pony

It is a year since my husband died and I barely remember the first six months after his death in spite of knowing it was coming some day. Selling a house, moving, figuring out the new normal, your place in the world, what you want to do and more are all huge decisions that take time....At a year out I am just starting to think about those things and I imagine another year won't make much more difference. It sounds like the practical part of you and more thinks of selling the house, downsizing etc.. Just take your time and don't let anyone pressure you. Do what you want to do when YOU want to do it and when you are ready. I move VERY slowly these days. I used to be very fast...now i am slow....doing what I do as I walk this path. Be patient with life. mfh

[Anne E]

It's so interesting that you barely remember the first six months after your husband's death. I barely remember that first few months either. I think the thing that I realized a few weeks ago is that I have almost no memory of the memorial service for Dick. A friend emailed me asking for scripture and the title of one of the songs we used. I was not able to provide that information and had no desire to dig through stuff to try to find it. A year ago, I would have felt badly about that, but now, I just feel, that's the way it is. I'm not really interested in going there and reliving that at this time. Don't like it? Talk to someone else!

I too move much slower through life and am so much more selective about what I will and will not do. I am much more thoughtful about whether I am doing things for me or because I think it's what someone wants or expects me to do. I work very hard on being kind to myself. I believe that's a must. Finding this new normal is challenging work.

Anne