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The Floodgates Are Open...


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"Feeling the pain follows accepting the loss. Trying to avoid pain is natural, but only prolongs the process. You may try to cut off your feelings, to keep yourself too busy to feel or think, or to dwell only on pleasant memories. The pain will eventually appear in another form, such as depression or illness. Feeling the pain may be the hardest part of grieving, so receiving help and support from others is essential. Remember, pain is a necessary part of healing."

I just read this and thought I would share it with you/others... I'm new at this level of grief (husband dying, and 9 days earlier my mother died of lung cancer) so any information is good information for me to hear. My husband passed on May 27th, I've been counting days since he was diagnosed with melanoma last year on Father's Day. I hope to one day get tired of counting days... it has not only affected my happy memories I allowed it to affect the time I had left with him.

So... "Feeling the pain follow accepting the loss"... well after getting through the death of the two people I have shared my most private thoughts with I now feel very much alone on this earth. Yes... I am old enough to stand up on my own two feet, wise to know life goes on, know that my husband would not want me to linger in sadness for very long, nor would my mother. Strength got me through a tough year, a very rough road of cancer and so on... now I fall into the downhill slide of facing my own feelings? Ya, right. What's this? One huge cold sore on my lip which I haven't had for years... ready or not those feelings are coming my way.

Trying to avoid pain? What do I do? I used to drink more... I get Migraines really bad so that won't work for me now. Food is a good substitute but when you are only 5 feet that is pretty silly because pretty soon you become wider than you are tall. I like to read... which is good because maybe I will read something useful on grief... OK... Gothic novels don't make you cry... I have a glass mosaic project I need to finish... I think my husband would really appreciate it and be proud that I got it off the table finally.

Feeling good again?

Really good in the heart sense?

How do you begin the process?

How do you start to enjoy life again?

REACHING OUT.

Deb - May 27th, 2011

redesign08.blogspot.com

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There is no real answer; our journeys are unique to each one of us. Dealing with the pain is the hardest part of grieving. I believe your loss of both your husband and mother is a lot for anyone to handle. Have you considered a bereavement group where you would be able to share with others who have or are going through the same things as you. It doesn't change your situation but it helps to know that there are people who care for you.god bless and take each day as it comes because they will certainly be different.

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Deb,

Welcome to the forum none of us wanted to join, I feel your pain and sorrow as my own, my wife Ruth passed on 2/14/10....You have choosen a perfect spot to start your journey as I call it because it truely is a ride/trip with many turns, roadblocks, peaks and valleys.... "How do you begin the process?" you have answered one of your own questions by sharing and joining here, this is a great support outlet as we all "get it" while family and friends mean well unless they have gone down this road they have not a clue...your writing is a wonderful outlet and a gift you have been given (I've been reading your blog) please continue to use it, I myself like to write and I have found that this has really came to to the front since Ruth passed, it allows me to share in a way that reaches people and friends in a new way...

"How do you start to enjoy life again?"...I handle this day by day as to avoid let down and a sense of being overwhelmed if I look to far forward, also be open and receptive to everything, once I reached the point I understood Ruth was not going to be with me here on earth anymore, I learned to remember and love her in a new way, I am still learning this so I can not elaborate as I do not fully understand, but I am healing as I have choosen to control my grief not let the grief control me...Yes finish your project, I have done much the same and it gives you a good feeling and helps, I have found a new unopened puzzle Ruth and I intened on building as she loved puzzle's and built many during her isolation during chemo, so I am going to build it now and I know as I do I will cry some rivers but she will be on my mind and in my heart as I do, along with being very proud of me....take it slow we have no rush, you will heal at your own pace as you decide.....may God guide on this journey...

NATS

One of Ruth's Puzzles.....another favorite....

post-13726-131030356234_thumb.jpg

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Hi,

West is right. I have found that my local hospice group helps very much. I try to go to one every week. The hospice that my wife had, has meetings in 2 different towns. It helps to lalk with people who have gone through what you are going through. I also have 2 very good friends that have help me out so much. I also go to my church that Pauline use to attend, until it was to hard on her getting out. I believe you will find out what is working for you. Yes it takes a long time. I am on an anti depressant for about 4 weeks now it also has evened me out a lot better than all the highs and lows. What ever you do you will still be on that roller scooter but it will get better. Being here on HOV has help me as much as any thing else. There is a lot of great people on here who can help you out very much. They have for me.

I will pray for God to give you peace and comfort your soul and broken heart.

God Bless

Dwayne

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Hi Deb,

What a tough time you have had...to lose the two most significant people in your life so close together. My heart goes out to you. You came to the right place. The folks on this forum are very helpful and because we are all in the same boat we understand each other and do not judge. The journey is different for each of us but grief is grief and loss is loss. I journal every day and that helps a lot. I joined a spousal loss group with Hospice when Bill died 15 months ago. I also saw a grief counselor. It all helps but in the end it is YOUR pain and running from it is not a wise choice. So, you came to the right place.

I found reading about grief to be very helpful. This link

http://griefhealing.com/articles-columns-books.htm

will take you to a list of articles and books that Marty has recommended. I read a lot of grief books last year and it really helped me. I also check in here everyday to give and receive support. This is a journey that takes time. Patience is the name of the game. The grief comes in waves sometimes knocking you off your feet, ambushing you. I go out with friends but try to balance that with time alone as running around too much takes one off course, at least for me it does.

I am so sorry for these tough tough losses one on top of the other. It is a lot to handle and I hope you join a support group...the ones through hospice are a good choice if you live near a hospice site. Keep posting here. you will find it helpful.

Mary

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Hi Deb:

I am so sorry for your losses. How devestating to lose two of the most important people in your life so close together. I wish I had a good answer for you, but I think you are in the right place with this support group. It has been a lifeline for me. I lost my husband to cancer 3 months ago. It seems like an eternity. I retired in 12/09 to care for him during his treatment. Now I have all this free time on my hands in this house alone. I try to keep busy. My old secretary, when I was working, has lung cancer. I take her to chemo appt. radiation appt and her labs, take meals to her and her husband and help when I can. They are grateful and it makes me feel like I am doing something useful for someone. They know my pain and have seen me cry daily. I have been working for a friend that has a pet grooming business (or I should say volunteering, we are bartering for services). I found that I can smile and laugh even if it is briefly, staying busy keeps me distracted from the realization that my spouse is not here and I am alone. I cry daily but I believe that we all have to make our way through the tunnel of darkness with this grief before we can see light on the other side. This group with help. Best of luck to you and I'm glad you found this group.

Blessings

Becky

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Hi Deb

I think you have started 'the process' because you are starting to look foward. I had six months off work after my husband died suddenly in 2009 and it took me all that time to even just get a foot back into life again.

For me, I made a plan with small goals based on what I know he would be saying to me if he was here and I was trying to recover from some serious illness. I started with going back to the things I had always enjoyed - work, a hobby and community work. At first I hated every minute of them, found it incredibly difficult to be around people and cried all the way there and all the way home - usually followed by straight to bed to cry more. But you know, after a while that got to be my routine and over time I relaxed back into life. I go to things now, I can have some fun and I manage without all the tears - except the coming home to an empty house part.

This year I've added the goal of getting fitter and it has made an incrediblw difference to how I feel (and how I look!)

Being happy again - now that's a different story. Those of us on this site who have loved deeply and cherished the person that's now gone probably have a higher expectation of happiness. I guess I'm happy on the outside but I'm sure that I'll never feel again the complete contentment and joy I once had every day. At least I have had that and wouldn't have missed ur 40 years together (32 married)for the world.

I'm also old enough and capable enough to look out for myself - I just need to find the will to WANT to do it. I think I can now and that's really a sign of 'moving forward' for me....Susie Q

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Dear Susie,

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel just as you do...happy on the outside sometimes but inside...never the same..empty...sad...lonely but grateful for having the most incredible man anyone could have and to share my life and be extremely close to this man. Most never have what I have been given but happiness...well...if what I had is my definition of happiness...I will never have that again. Mary

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Thank you all for replying... joining groups is not my thing. I have learned that I am better here than being in a place where people don't want to be helped.... enough said. My hand was guided by something to join here so I can only try to sift through my grief the best I can with what you give me. I did not have the time to go through "hospice care" with my husband but my experience as caregiver will surely qualify me as someone who has "earned" the right to be here.

I will read your stories. I will honor your pain. I will give my heart back to you in the hope that I may learn to get through my mess and begin to enjoy life again. It is because I know my husband would want me to, I know his heart well enough to know he would not want to see me hurting any longer without him here to help me get on with my life. So......

Friday I travel back home for the first time since my mother died in May. I celebrate my 40th high school reunion... I wasn't going to go until a friend called to remind me of our plans a year ago last summer. My husband was supposed to come home with me, we made these plans to go together. Mixed emotions... hesitation, sadness and excitement, some of these people I grew up with from kindergarten and haven't seen since 1971.

Going home will have a different meaning now.

Peace to all.

Deb

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Deb,

You are defiantly at the right place to be. Everyone has gone or going through what you are feeling now. I get so much from here and my hospice meetings I attend and from my 2 Best Friends. It all helps to heal your broken heart. I know Pauline was my life. Everything I done, I done for her. It has been a huge loss in my life. I find help and give help one here everyday. When family stops calling they just don't get what you are going through. We do on here, I have gotten so much help from the people on HOV, I only hope I can give back what I have gotten.

Gob Bless you, my he bring peace, and calm your broken heart, comfort you soul you will find your way keep the faith.

Dwayne

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Deb, you do not have to earn a spot here...you have had losses...big losses...this is your place..we will help and helping others helps each of us. Sometimes we give and sometimes we take but every time....we are really giving.

I am not a joiner either but this group has helped me so much because they get it...they do not judge and they reach out.

Ambushes comes daily for me. Today as I type this,cement is being poured as I replace my front porch....from dangerous to safe. Bill would have LOVED being in the middle of this...I can just see him out there with his coffee monitoring, asking questions and enjoying the procedure. So I cry when the truck pulls up and I had to come inside. It is just like that...little stupid things open the flood gates. He is probably watching from wherever he is.

We are here for you. Vent, share, be angry, talk, whatever. Mary

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Deb,

Welcome to this wonderful life saving site. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother, and also in all you are going through with your husband. I wish I'd known ahead of time that my husband was going to die, there's so much I would have wanted to say to him, but mostly I would have just wanted to go through it with him...as it was, I was shocked, he was barely 51 and I thought we had years ahead of us. But the truth is, none of us are guaranteed any number of years, and it's taught me to appreciate and experience each moment more fully.

Please keep coming here, this is the best group of people there is and they'll be here as you go through your grief journey.

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Deb,

I thought I was doing so well. I feel good in spirit, and my health problem will be over soon I pray for.

But last night just as God opened the heavens and it was pouring rain, I still went to my hospice meeting. It was me and a new family that lost a husband, and father very suddenly with all his family around him. My flood gates opened up and I could not hold back my tears. It was such a sharp contrast to what I went though and the support they got and are still getting. It has only been 3 weeks for them from the time of their loss. While they have very much support. I have hardly any. If it wasn't for Pauline's best friend Donna and her husband Greg I would have no day to day support. I could not help but cry and try to give them my support and to come to HOV and keep coming to the meetings. Everything helps us get through day by day

God Bless you Deb, my he give you some peace and comfort your broken heart, and quite your soul.

Dwayne

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To kayc and Dwayne ... I have to wonder whether one has the luxury of saying "goodbye" to their loved one is in our favor? I lived for one year in fear... Having melanoma is like living with a monster under your bed at all times. This invades everything you do. My husband's cancer metastasized to his brain and it affected his speech and thinking skills in the end... I lost the man I knew and loved before he actually died and it was a slow and painful process to watch and be a part of. A husband who worked with his hands, rebuildindind our home, loved to ride his Harley and he couldn't tell me the words that he loved me in the end because of this d*mn cancer.

There is no winner here quick or slow... They are gone.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

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Hi Deb,

like you I watched my husband slowly lose all abilities to Alzheimer's over a four year + period. He was an intelligent, creative man whose eyes I will never forget when he looked at me the day before he died and I know tried to say good-bye and I love you. He could not speak at that point and the beautiful blue had faded. I had a bit of both experiences. I knew Alzheimer's would get Bill but was blown away when the end came so fast after a long struggle. As hard as it was for me I am glad I did not get a phone call that my husband died....the flip side is that he suffered and for his sake a fast death would have been a gift. I agree...no good way to deal with this. In the end, he is gone and after 15 months that is sinking in BIG time. Like all of us, there is never enough time with these special people. I am so sorry for your loss. Mary

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Dear Beb,

I was with Pauline in years my life for 33 of the most wonderful years I have ever had. We were meant to meet and have that true devoted love. She had MS for many years. As she became more disabled her family and friends stopped coming or even calling. I always knew that she would be with God before me. The last 2 1/2 years of her live I quite my job of 27 years to care for her, 24/7. It was the best thing I did. The last 2 years she suffered more than any human should have to endure. I was with her up until the very moment God took her to heaven. I find it very hard to deal with such a great loss. Pauline was my BEST FRIEND, MY SOUL MATE, MY WIFE. I loved her with every fiber of my being. I do not know how long it will take me to get through this grief or if I ever will. I do have plans and classes to become a nurse, after I get this health problem solved. Like Mary said when you love your mate, like we have had, the pain cut deep. I have seen in the last 2 days I still have a long way to go. Outside I am better, inside my heart has been ripped out. I am better with the medication and the support I get here and my 2 best friends give me. I do have a lot to be great full for. You are not alone in your loss.

God Bless, I pray he gives you peace and comfort, ease your broken heart.

Dwayne

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Hey there...

My trip home for the reunion was an emotional ride, the drive back took 5 hours and was long enough to think about family and leave tracks of tears now and again. This was the first time back since the loss of my mom in May so it brought back lots of memories as you would expect. My mother passed from lung cancer at the age of 78... I think it will be a while before I venture back again. Too much to deal with... childhood friends and death... sucks.

Still trying to wrap up paperwork at my home with the husband's insurance, medical bills, house, etc. Trying not to panic yet, trying to breath and go with the flow.

Peace to all.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

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5 hours in my car, listening to Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd headed home for my 40th reunion. Tears running down my face thinking about my husband, thinking about my mom... seeing classmates I grew up with from kindergarten. A very emotional weekend... first time home without my mom and her sassy attitude there to greet me. Here I am 58 and an "orphan", no mother, no father... silly, huh? I really thought it was silly... but I don't think it matters how old you are when both parents are finally gone, do you? You are alone and that's all that matters, there is no feeling like it. On top of that I just lost my husband and I don't have him to talk it over with. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself all said and done.

And the Music! Sends one back in time to a place where magic happens so my heart was bouncing from place to place. My husband and grew up in the same time period but we were not together. We compared stories certainly... but grew up in totally different states and backgrounds. BUT... the music was the same!

My home is no longer the same place so long ago or I am not the same person when I was young. The same changes are now happening in my present life... my home today is not the same as it was just a few months ago, I am not the same. I am expected to keep up with these changes, to bend and not break.

Acceptance... Coming home to an empty house was not easy.

Life will go on with me or without me. Will I participate in it or not? Will I shut down completely or will I take care of myself and feel alive again? My reflection in the mirror these days is a sad one. My husband supported me in all decisions that I made, how can I not honor that now?

Peace to all.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

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