Struggling Through The Bad Days.

[Stacyines]

I feel like a depressed needy person when it comes to this forum. Hah. But it's my form of venting out sincerely. The contact with my friends has been limited. They've seem to drifted away feeling awkward to the situation of grief. We all have our good days, where we feel invincible and strong, not looking back. Than those dark days where you feel rather lost and missing that person, unable to move forward or think properly.

I've been in Los Angeles for the past week. Been out & about. Even got a part of a movie after auditioning. The casting director liked how I read the monologue and how I presented myself. I'm struggling with investing into headshots, but I've just been off. It's a great distraction. I thought of Deric as I read out to the casting directer. Everything seems to be going good. I have support from my family in attempting to get into film school at the New York Film Academy for film production. But, it wasn't suppose to be like this. It's been a month since I last saw Deric. The weekend of my birthday. I miss telling him everything. Our long conversations about the most random of things. Having his support for every single little thing, rooting me on. That one person who I could speak infinitely to is no longer there. Nor do I have a substitute for that person. I miss his embraces, his sweet affection. Something that burns inside as it was taken immediately from me. I'm slowly coping.

Today is one of those days where I just wish to sleep all day. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

- Also, I've kept to date with all the recent posts and reading everyone's stories. You all are truly amazing.

Best wishes everybody!

And if anyone would like to keep contact via facebook, I'd be more than happy to.

http://www.facebook.com/stacyines

[dave s]

Hey there, WOW a movie star here!!! Cool! glad you went home for awhile, hope you are able to get some good family support and TLC!

Yes somedays you just want to lay in bed and not get up, or maybe that is what we need to do sometimes......I get your burning feeling, at soon to be 5 months......I still have that sensation...as you can tell from my posts things have been STRESSFULL, but things are better at present ...

Glad to hear from you, was thinking about you yesterday and was hoping you are ok! Best wishes! Dave

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Stacyines,

It is so early in your grief, that you will have many emotions, feelings, going on all at once. I think it is good you have something to work on, as long as you can do it in the very early part of grief. When I see something, or do something that is good or worth saying, I come in the apartment, and say Babe guess what I saw or done, or your favorite plant got a bloom on the day of our 31 anniversary. I talk to her a lot. One thing I did the day she passed, was I wrote her a goodbye letter. I read it at her memorial, I put together for her. We both decided in 1996, to donate our bodies to science. It does get lonely sometimes though. Last night at church we sang a song and it reminded me so much of Pauline, the tears flowed out, for a good 10 minutes. Times I miss her so much, but I did not want her to suffer anymore either. Its like being between a rock and a hard spot. You have no way out. I visited my last school again this morning. I have all my paper work ready for the Career Center, I just hope the funding comes though this time. If it dose when they say it will I will start school on November 7. I am sure I will be the oldest in the class. I will be 57 on the 21 of this month. I do not feel like it I feel I am around 30 or so.

Take care Stacy, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, as we all travel through this journey of grief. I am glad you have goals that you want to do. I feel it helps you, if you have a focus on a goal, like you have set for your self. Good luck, or do they say break a leg in show biz.

God Bless

Dwayne

[HAP]

Dear Stacyines,

Congratulations on the part. You'll have to tell us when it comes out. As one of my directors once said, "There are no small parts, only small actors." You'll do great. We'll hope you get lots of time on screen.

You may have lost one set of dreams, but you seem to be finding a way to make the other set happen despite the loss. And the work will help you stay sane and sober.

But there are going to be good days and bad days. Take the good ones and roll with the bad ones. Remember to eat, drink, breathe, exercise and sleep. Those will help you build the strength you need to keep going.

Be well.

Peace,

Harry

[terp8r]

So happy to hear of your success! Yes, as Harry said, please let us know when it will air! I know exactly what you mean about missing your confidante. I can't tell you how many times a day, I think, I have to tell Harv that! And then it slaps me upside the head that I can't. Though I do tell him things, but it's just not the same. Here's hoping you continue to find success in whatever you do! Love, Pam

[Stacyines]

I will make sure to do so.

Also, Deric's story was featured on today's paper if anyone would like to read it.

http://www.vagazette.com/articles/2011/10/08/news/doc4e8f78d6557cf829866915.txt

[dave s]

Thanks for sharing, so sorry for such a tragic situation.......we have to deal with it all the time in my line of work and we have found that the drugs we usually use to sedate people, have a difficult time affecting those on bath salts, very powerfull substance......Dave

[Lainey]

I'm sorry that at such a young age you're having to go through such a horrific thing. And how terrible Deric must have been feeling to do what he did. My heart goes out to you both.

Thank you for sharing the news article.. I've never heard of bath salts other then the ones you add to bath water. As a grandma to two 14 year old girls, you can be sure we'll be having a chat about this "drug".

I commend you for being able to share with everyone how terrible this type of drug can be, it can't be easy as you're grieving your loss. Hopefully more people will be aware of the effects of the drug and be able to stop others from harming themselves.

Lainey

[kayc]

I will check out your FB page...I want to congratulate you on your part! That is great!

Understanding how much you're missing him, we've all lost that special person we love more than anything in the world, the hole is huge.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Stacyines,

Thank you for the link. I never new that, people would do things like this. Sometimes when a person does things like this, they do not understand what is going on with the body, from the effects from these bath salts. I feel very sorry for you, It seems like you are doing what needs to be done, on getting this information's out about these bath salts. It gives you a focus on something positive, that very well save other people lives.

Just make sure you are taking care of yourself, eating good healthy food and plenty of rest. It is nice to see you are getting a part in a movie. That is Great. Take care.

God Bless

Dwayne