So Many Changes...

[Miss Ngu]

Finally got the nerve to post. Thank you all for your sharing (as I was "lurking" for the past few months). You all helped me very much.

My dear mother died on May 12th, 2011. We became best friends during our lives together. I miss her SO much, and know that we will always be together.

The support I am seeking has to do with interpersonal changes and changes in "family dynamics". My sister is becoming more cold and distant to me, more than ever. Our brother died three years ago, and we are now each others only sibling. She is 10 years older than me, and I know that she does not wish to become a mother figure. I know better than to look for that in her.

My father is struggling now that his wife of 60 years is gone, and always needing something to do. He is also repeating himself an awful lot, now that my mother is no longer here to "poke him in the ribs" to shut up! He asked me yesterday when he should take his wedding ring off and where to find companionship. I told him (not-so jokingly) to wait until I'm dead. But, to support him, I told him to dance at the Elk's club, and remove the ring when he felt ready. This was a very difficult conversation for me.

My friends also are a bit distant, but I don't think I'm great company right now anyway.

I no longer feel like I know who I am. I am 50, and going through my mid-life changes as well. I have a very supportive husband and loving kitty cats, but being "bigger than myself" and focusing minute-by-minute to keep my life somewhat joyful and positive doesn't really feel authentic. Maybe one day it will. Somehow, I must grieve my true sadness and keep remembering that everything feels new - and it will be ok - and I need to make that a good thing.

Hoping that someone will have some insight to share with me. Thank you.

[Miss Ngu]

Well...it's me again...with more to say...

It seems that even though my mother was 78 years old and in very poor health, that I was unable to see that so many changes would occur after she died. I thought I was more "prepared". Now...it seems like I second-guess myself much more often, and realize that there are many more possibilities than I can imagine. So -- I learned I can never fully be prepared. I am so Blessed that my mother lived as long as she did.

I always said to myself that, given my mother's poor health all of her life, she might not make it to 50. Well...I was right...but about the wrong person. My dear mother surpassed my fears and lived many years past 50 -- but, she died 5 months before MY 50th birthday.

I know not to expect a reply from anyone, and maybe I should post in the Bereavement Group(?), but I still am Thankful to be able to get these thoughts out, as I am in so much pain.

[credu2007]

Hi

Im new to this who discussion forum. Your situation sounds similar to mine. I loss my mom on May 31, 2011 at the age of 70. At the time of the loss I was 32 yrs. old, just divorced (May 5, 2011), and about two weeks before my moms death we had put down a beloved dog. I do have a brother who is about 13 years older than me and lives in a different state. We do not talk often. I feel so alone. I am a single mom with three children. I have friends who are there for me, but it doesn't help. I look around at my family and friends and hurt because they have thier mom and I do not. I knew my mom was sick and not going to live too much longer, but I did not realize I was going to lose her so soon. My mom was a single mom and she did the best she could to raise me. My mom and I were best friends and we were all we had. For the last year and a half I took care of my mom every day wether it was taking her to appointments or running errands. I have never spent a holiday without her and I honestly don't know how I am going to get through it. Im trying to be strong for my kids but it is gettng harder and harder as the holidays get closer and closer. I to am hoping that someone can shed some insight with me to help me get through these tough months.

Sorry if there are any errors....its really hard to type when crying.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi- thank you so much for posting. I am sad that we share some of the same circumstances, but am Thankful for your response. We both also have the similarity in our commitment to having been there for our mothers until the end -- and for this -- I have no regrets. Yes, the holidays are proving to be very reactivating for me. My great-niece is making the stuffing for Thanksgiving dinner, and I was just thinking -- can I eat some without crying? My 14 year old niece would understand, but, yes, we have to be strong for children. AND -- even though I have no children - I wish I asked my Mother more about her grief when her mother (my Grandmother) died. But...my mother was probably being strong for me, and I didn't want to bring up such a sad subject (as she was just as close with her mother, and missed her terribly - she did tell me that). Such wonderful women -- and I come from them. Still...I could never imagine the extent of that pain -- until now. Can't know this until it happens. I cannot imagine going through this, and having children to take care of as well. Takes a lot of patience -- of which I currently really don't have much of. I wish you comfort and strength.

[credu2007]

Miss Ngu,

I too am sad that we share the same circumstances, but glad to know that I am not the only one hurting and struggling to get through the first set of holidays with out my mom. Its always been just my mom and I. We moved to Arizona when i was 13 to be with my grandma. Since then my mom, grandma, and I have been a team. My mom was the leader and did an awesome job at providing guidance and support when we needed it. I was honored to be there for her and take care of her each and every day she needed me. I have no regrets either for being there for my mom till the end. My grandma and I will be joining my uncle, aunt, and cousin in Maricopa for Thanksgiving this year. I am hoping my grandma and I can handle dinner with out being emotional but at the same time we might need it. My ex husband is going to take my daughters and spend Thanksgiving with them, but my son wants to be with me. The kids do distract me from the hurt and pain but at the end of the day when they are in bed, I find life very difficult. I catch myself during the day thinking of my mom and missing her but I cant hold back the tears once the house is quiet and I am alone. Im trying really hard to be strong for my kids. I know that they are struggling with the loss of their Nana too. I need to be there for them. It does take alot of pateince and strength. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I didn't have to care for them as well. At the same time I am proud of myself for handling everything I've gone through since the beginning of May till now while taking care of my three beautiful children.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Credu2007 -

Yes...You and your children sure have been through a lot of changes and grief this year. I truly give you lots of credit for being such a good parent -- it is to be admired, and, ultimately, will again leave you with no regrets. You sound like such a good Mother, daughter, and Grandaughter and I am happy to see that you describe yourself as being "proud" of what you have gotten through since your Mother's passing. Posting seems to help organize and release some of these difficult emotions, and also helps to see how/if we are coping at all. I must work at keeping my inner voice from being so critical - of everything. It's like a minute-to-minute mental adjustment to remember that I must not sink too deeply into my depression. I now realize more than ever that most people are going through hardships of their own. I am also glad that you still have your grandma -- this must be so difficult for her as well. Also happy to see that your children bring you comfort. We will be going to my sister and brother-in-law's house, as we always do, for Thanksgiving. I must remember to be Thankful and not bitter and angry -- somehow. I am at such a loss as to how to move through these uneasy and extremely sad feelings -- but need to be where I am at -- without making my life worse by behaving too poorly. This has proved to be very challenging. I have watched the show "Hoarders" recently, and it seems like life-changing events can really wreak havoc on our behaviors in ways that are totally unlike our "normal" behavior. Living in this new "normal" is such an unknown -- and I just hate that -- it scares me. Trying to stay in the moment, and not pre-dread Christmas and then the New Year's celebrations. Thank you again for posting. It truly helps to know I am not alone.

[credu2007]

You are so not alone. On a daily basis I feel so alone because everyone around me has their moms and I don't. It doesn't seem to bother me so much when older people talk to me about the lost of their mom because that seems normal. But Im only 33 and lost my mom. My mom had just turned 70 in March. She was not exactly young and she had me when she was 37. Majority of people close to my age still have their mom, they do not understand what Im going through. I was very frustrated and angry yesterday because my cousin and my aunt both expected me to basically get over the loss of my mom and move on. They both told to me to not think about it and enjoy the day. What they didn't know was that I wasn't thinking about my mom when I walked into their house, but the minute I said hi to everyone and gave hugs it hit me. I had to go into the bathroom and sit in the corner and bawl my eyes out for about 15 minutes. Everyone their had thier mom with them but me. It hurt so much. I am angry with them because they don't understand how much I hurt. These are the first holidays without my mom, I cant just get over it. I can't just move on. I saw my mom everyday and talked to her off and on ALL day long. I took care of her day in and day out for over a year and a half. She raised me all by herself. Like you I am trying to stay in the moment and not dread the holidays, but there are times the grief just hits me and comes out and I cant stop it. Yor are right, life changing events really do wreak havoc on our normal behaviors and it is such a challenge to fight it a daily basis.

Overall I did enjoy my Thanksgiving I just had to get past the frustrations with my family. I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving as well.

[Aquarius7]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't agree with you more. The loss of my Mom changed everything. How I feel about things, what I do, what I think about and a lot more. I cannot "move on" as people think you are "supposed" to do.

My Dad has been gone for 16 years and losing my Mom just makes that loss even greater. I feel so alone in the world. I rarely talk or see my siblings and do not get along with them. That is a story in itself and a lot of it has to do with the way my Mom's passing and all that went with it was dealt with.

Anyway, I am so sorry. We are all here for eath other.

[Susan Y]

Hello to both new members. I lost my Mom on June 29 of this year. I feel the same way you all do. My life has changed a lot. I too see friends that I love dearly with their parents and feel envious that they still have their Mom. My Mom was my best friend and I took care of her for a very long time. Endless doctor appointments, ER visits, you name it we went through it. She was an amazing lady and loved by everyone. She just had a way of knowing what to say and how I was feeling that nobody does. My husband however is very supportive and we are thankfully very close. I wish ther was something I could say to help you. We never think we are going to lose our Moms even when we know they are sick. Part of being a child I suppose no matter our age. I am sure your friends may seem distant but often people do not know what to say so they stay quiet and do other things. The holidays are tough but Thanksgiving is over and I am happy I got through that. It was her favorite holiday. I had a good day which I did not think I would. God bless you especially during the holidays so that you can at least get through them. Grief is as unique as a fingerprint and we all have to get through it the best we can. These boards have helped me see my feelings are normal and I am not too far out in left field! Take care.

[Miss Ngu]

Thank you for your posts. It is comforting to know that you are there, and managing (somehow) through this truly uncomfortable time as I am. I feel like I could just jump out of my skin -- and wish I could -- most of the time. My life is so emotionally different without my Mother on the planet. There is nowhere to run or hide away from this very deep pain. My Mother really helped me to keep my life together. She knew just what to say and do to keep things right. I know I have to keep going, and am amazed constantly that I can make it through each day -- but -- I do. My (good) behavior towards others really takes a lot of concsious energy. Still, my question of whether it is an act or authentic behavior -- it is mostly the "act". I don't want to isolate myself and make enemies everywhere I go. My insides are so churned-up, that no one could deal with my upset -- I can hardly deal with it. Anyway...Thanksgiving is over and my family managed through it. There are still good memories being made even through our grief. Glad that we could talk (a bit) about my mother -- just -- not too long without the threat of getting us all too upset. It's like I am perpetually giving myself a "pep" talk to get through each moment. Eh -- it's mostly all like a bad foggy dream.

[credu2007]

I feel like an orphan without my mom. The closer Christmas comes the harder each day is. I was hysterically crying the other night because I don't want to celebrate Christmas without my mom. She should be here with me and my kids. Its the fist Christmas where I am not married and I am living on my own with my three children. I feel like I am doing it all alone and it hurts so very much. I want my mom to give me advice, I want my mom to help me with Christmas shopping, I want my mom to help decorate the house for the holidays, etc. I think by the time the holdiays are over I will have cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool. Those who have someone close to lean on during the hard times should be thankful. Those who I thought I was close to or maybe I still am close to, feel like they are miles away because I need them they are not there. Im sorry to sound so in the dumps. Besides being sad about the holidays, I am also dealing with a cold which does not help matters. I know we will all get through the holidays. It won't be easy but we CAN do it.

[Miss Ngu]

When I want to "phone a friend" now, I come to this website. My friends really talk mostly about themselves, and, even if given the chance to talk about my life (which does include grieving), it doesn't seem that my friends are interested in "going there" (and, really, what do they think is on my mind??). The ones that haven't gone through this yet, of course, don't really understand, and the ones that have, don't want to revisit that time, it seems. And, "good news" is all most people are really ready to hear -- not the truth. So -- again, I am SO Thankful to be able to read what others write, and to be able to actually share some of what I'm going through here with you to get some comfort and support.

The holidays -- ugh -- I'm not into it. I need to start writing out my cards today. I'm just sticking with the "to do" list, and, even if I am my numb-like-self (how I'm feeling these days), I will have at least done what I need to do. If I stop accomplishing things, then, I will feel doubly bad.

It amazes me, daily, just how much my mother helped me in my life -- in all ways. Please don't get me wrong, I loved and adored my mother, and made sure she knew it -- and -- I thought I knew how much her love and support meant to me. But now, with her gone, and with the holidays coming-up, and so much going on -- I realize just how close we were -- it was a closeness deeper than I could comprehend.

Still...it seems that I am still waking-up each morning, so -- I have to keep going.

Keeping my mother as close to me as ever (in my heart), helps to keep me going. I also have her picture in lots of places around the house -- and in my purse. I talk to her, and feel like she is still helping me.

Thank you creedu2007 (I hope you are quickly on the mend from your cold), Susan Y, and Aquarius7 for your posts. I know I'm not as alone as I feel, and it really helps!

[Miss Ngu]

Now...people think I'm really getting wierd...and maybe I am. "Enjoying" this life has certainly come with many hard lessons. And now, with the passing of my mother (and brother - 4 years ago), and throughout my niece's recurring breast cancer for the past 5 years, the lessons seem to be getting sharper and deeper -- and not exactly pleasant. My niece is still young, and needs to keep fighting to stay alive for her young family. Growing old is a Blessing -- to get that far, but, the eventual decline doesn't look particularly attractive to me. So, since I have no children, (but I do, Thankfully, have a wonderful husband and 3 cats that I love), striving to live a long life doesn't seem as appealing to me as it once did. Yes...I am happy in my own way -- as happy as I can be right now in my grief. The line from the movie, The Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living -- or getting busy dying", has so many variables and possible outcomes. Why work so hard on living when it all ends anyway? And, suicide is not really a karmic option, in my opinion. Staying alive and touching other peoples lives (even in ways we don't realize), must be part of our life's process. Learning life's lesson of love, and the "do unto others..." is what it is all about to me. Guess I am just asking myself questions that I never really asked of myself -- and they are confusing and a maybe a bit odd to people that I try to talk to about it. Mostly, my mother (my very best friend), is no longer here to listen to my thoughts and help "set things straight" for me. Maybe my thoughts go against American standards? I wonder if people in different cultures and countries, who have different beliefs about dying, sanctify and rejoice for the ones dying, who will be "going to a better place" -- or "being reunited with their loved ones" --or simply being out of pain, or whatever their belief, have any of the same grief as we do. They are also survivors, and must miss their deceased loved ones being here on the planet.

Also...while I'm writing...(and, thanks for reading!!)...I had a very odd dream. This was the first dream I have had with my mother in it. It was SO good to see her and be with her, but, in the dream, we were sitting on a sofa, and we were crying together (with someone unknown, behind a desk, seated in front of us). But -- my mother and I were crying because, in the dream, my father just died. (In reality, my 80-year-old father -- my mothers surviving spouse -- is still, Thankfully, alive, but, I am having a rough time with him -- as I've previously written -- as he goes through his own grief and changes.)

But, that was the dream. It was very odd to dream of the wrong deceased parent.

I also want to write to Ron B. (if you read this) that your posts have been extremely helpful to me -- Thank you!

And to Marty T -- I could never Thank you enough for all the good insight you give, and for your care and comfort.

Feels good to write this out. Thanks!

[Ron B.]

Miss Ngu,

Hi. I am glad if my posts were helpful. But I was a complete brat when I came to this forum two years ago. I quarreled with people here, and gave our online counselor, Marty, a particularly hard time. I have a mountain of regret about that, and I'm still trying to spread a little good to make up for my earlier bad behavior.

I have recovered from early grief, and I am OK now. Reading the posts in this thread, however, brings back all the feelings of early grief. I'm not so sure I'm any good for giving you advice, as I did not negotiate my way through early grief very well at all.

Some things you wrote about:

The change in family dynamics after a family member dies. This topic doesn't get the attention here that it deserves. Family members can be changed by the loss, acting strangely cold, uncaring, or even hostile. At the root of it must be their own grief; like the rest of us they are overwhelmed and less able to cope. My sister got nasty for an entire year, and now suddenly she is sociable and even warm towards me. I don't understand why this relationship went bad and then went good. But I'm not complaining. And my brother has an anger problem, where he just blows up at people without much warning. He blew up at me. And I don't understand any of it.

You wrote: "I wish I asked my Mother more about her grief when her mother (my Grandmother) died." I remember my Mother when she went through grief after losing her mother (my grandmother). I was only 7 or 8 at the time, but now, 50 years later, I can piece together how she dealt with it. She put on a brave face in front of us kids; we didn't know about her grief, but it emerged in slightly disruptive ways; I remember my parents having arguments at that time. That root connection with a mother runs so deep, the loss is just not something that can be 'managed' or 'handled'. In her last day as my mother lay dying, she was semi-conscious and was calling out for her mother as she would have done as a child. "Mama!" Memories like this still overwhelm me and leave me in tears.

You wrote about being overwhelmed with difficult emotions, while at the same time having to keep a pleasant demeanor before others. I think a partial solution is to find time, place, and people with whom you can share some of the difficult feelings. So long as you give yourself some opportunity to express the things you are feeling, then you'll better be able to swallow your grief and put on a public face when you need to. There is nothing phony or inauthentic about maintaining a public face; it's a necessity of life. Finding good ways to grieve is the real challenge. Keeping our composure in public is less important. Sometimes we are supposed to break down; that's the nature of grief.

I really like what you said about suicide: "Suicide is not really a karmic option, in my opinion. Staying alive and touching other peoples lives (even in ways we don't realize), must be part of our life's process. Learning life's lesson of love, and the "do unto others..." is what it is all about." For those of us in despair, your words are a pretty good reason to side with life.

About me:

I am a librarian, and I have buried myself in books, papers, and words for most of my life. I haven't done the normal things, like marry and have kids. And for all the events in my life, the passing of my Mother has changed me the most. I wouldn't wish away any of the grief. Grief is a natural process that I respect; it has compelled me to learn and adapt. At year 2 since my Mom's passing, the wild swings of emotion are gone, but I know that I will grieve for years to come, and that this will help broaden my humanity.

And thank you for your posts, (and thanks to Credu, Susan, and Aquarius too); I have much food for thought. I try to keep up with the various grief forums, but once threads get several replies I just get buried. So I pick and choose posts; mostly I prefer newbie posters, which makes me a kind of a welcome mat. It's OK to email me if you ever feel so inclined. Cheers!

Ron B.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Ron B. - Thank you for your post. Please know, your regret at your "earlier bad behavior" two years ago, is what reminds me to be careful with how I handle situations and how I say things -- as I know I am not behaving at my most "normal" and "best" currently, and don't wish to have too many apologies to make to those I may offend. Thanks for this lesson.

I do seem to need some support regarding changes in the family dynamics. It is so difficult to write about, because the changes are almost like a "nuance" -- like I can't really be specific with the details, as the family relationships and personalities are so complex and subtle. I have always wanted to be able to be close with my sister (who is 10 years older than myself). Our relationship has gotten better through the years (with my mother's help), and even though I love and adore her (because she is my older sister, and I always have), wanting her to (really) love me is something I guess I must also grieve -- cause I don't think I will experience that in this lifetime. We are just too different. I am not able to have a "heart-to-heart" talk with her, as that has always proved to have a more painful outcome, and whatever is shared is then used against me. So...I am not gonna try that again. My mother kept everyone "in the loop" -- and now that she is gone -- no more "loop". But -- you never know. Maybe one day I will post that we have become real friends?!

My poor brother was so tormented in this life, and abused drugs until his liver gave up 4 years ago (when he was 53 years old). I used to be scared to think of how my brother would do once our parents were gone. Well...I didn't have to find that one out. I hope his tortured soul is at peace. So, I feel for you regarding your brother, and hope you don't have to deal with him when he can't remain calm.

Both my grandmother and mother cried-out during the last days of their lives for their mothers. It was as if they were seeing and speaking to their mothers right there in the room. I wonder if I will do this myself when my time comes? I did have a near-death-experience during a head-on colision car accident (in 1985), and all I can say is that going towards the light was the most peaceful, calm, quiet and beautiful experience I have ever had. So -- I am hoping not to be afraid to leave this planet when my time comes.

Coming here to express my grief, and to read how others' are doing definately gives me that place to vent, and to understand -- and feel understood -- and I am so Thankful.

Today...an aquaintance stopped me in the store and asked how my father was doing. I figured she knew my mother had died, so I said, "he is managing". Then the aquaintance asked, "How is your mother?". Oh -- I thought, she doesn't know. So, I told her she passed-away in May. The aquaintance was shocked and saddened by my response, and was very sweet with her comfort to me. I cried and cried on the way home. It just seems surreal to tell someone that my mother has passed-away (same for my brother).

I like the thought that this grief will "broaden my humanity" -- but, boy does it hurt to be broadened (says my "lump of clay" self).

[emmaj]

My mother died October 4, 2010. It took months and months for me to begin to think I was alright again. She was my best friend. After my father died my husband and I moved in with my mother so she wouldn't be alone. When her health started to fail I was the person to take her to her doctors appointments. Before her back surgery I was the one who dressed her,followed her when she needed to walk around, helped her shower, and chopped up her food so she could eat. It was like our roles were reversed and I was the parent and she was the child. If i was totally honest here I would say that I wasn't always the most accepting of this role. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently or not had said. I'm sure we all have regrets and regrets I can live with but the depression and anxiety that have set it now after the one year anniversary I can not live with. I didn't expect this reaction to the anniversary. I went to see my doctor and she gave me pills for anxiety and depression but i had a surprising reaction to them and couldn't take them again. She gave me the name of a therapist but I can't get an appointment until the end of January. I called for grief meetings but they don't start until after the new year. I'm trying to find help but there doesn't seem to be any available to me right now. My husband doesn't understand what is happening. He hasn't experienced a lose of a loved one. I'm afraid that I'm pushing him away and my friends have become distant until after I find help and some way of coping with everything I'm feeling. The person in charge of the grief meetings said it is common for most people to not honestly go through the grief process. Many times feelings are buried and ignored with the hope that they will go away. I think that describes me perfectly. I ignore a lot of things with the hope that they will go away. I bury emotions down so deep that I forget they are there. It seems the only emotion that I can express is anger and I'm going to wind up alone if I continue to do that. If i had my way I would hide in my bedroom or maybe the closest and never step foot outside again. I don't want to go anywhere, including work, or do anything now. I thought that putting my mother's things away out of sight would help but when I get near them all I do is cry. I don't know where to start to feel like me again, or be happy again, or even just to be able to be around other people without wanting to run away or fight with them for no other reason than my own anger and unhappiness. I've never felt so screwed up or alone in my life.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi emmaj - thank you for your post. My mother passed-away 7 months ago -- and it feels like it was yesterday. I am so sorry that you are having some setbacks regarding getting some help with your grieving process. But...you did post here -- so -- that's good news to me, as this site has helped me a great deal. It took me a while to post here, and after reading other peoples posts -- and it gave me comfort in knowing that I was not alone.

You wrote that you and your husband moved-in with you mother when your father died, so, you have been through some of this before. The caretaking that you did for your mother sounds like what I did for my own mother (caretaking her as if she was the child). I did my best, and am happy that I could be there for her.

I am not that thrilled to be around people more than I have to right now, so this website is perfect, with lots of information that is shared.

I feel like you -- screwed-up and alone. But -- we are here, with some other really kind people -- all of us trying to feel better. So -- until you get into the group meeting or therapy, maybe you can keep finding some help here.

[emmaj]

If I had my way I wouldn't leave my house. I don't want to be around anyone. Everyone is getting ready for Christmas. My mom loved the holidays and I used to. Now I just want them over. I am so tired of trying to pretend to be normal for everyone else. I'm tired of feeling bad about making my husband feel neglected or causing what friends I have left to worry about me. I'm tired of feeling like i just want to hide in a dark corner and cry. I'm starting to wonder myself why i can't just feel bad and get over it. Yes it sucks but there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm tired of this life...I want my old one back again.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi all...well...it's really heating-up over here. It's like I can feel the pressure of the holidays coming, and my emotions building. I feel powerless. And I'm too worn-out and in the grieving process to have much true life-force. Takes everything in me to keep it together to make it through the day. I feel that my mother has be helping me to keep doing the chores that I need to do, and I am Thankful. I need to keep my focus on living in the moment, and keep my thoughts on the positive side.

Knowing that my "going-through-the-motions" feeling has been experienced by others' here has been a great help to me. Takes some of the worry out of this process. Thank you all for your posts.

My lower back was hurting, so I went to my chiropractor today. He has a poster hanging in his lobby that shows a list of things to do to have a good life. The poster has been there for the many years I have gone to him, and I used to enjoy reading it. The last line on the poster states: "Call your mother". I used to feel good when I saw that line, because I knew I could do it -- and did (and saw her daily as well). Now I see the poster, and it becomes a bit reactivating. Also, he asks me if I am getting over my grief for my mother. Please!!!...with the holidays fast approaching -- why does he think I'm there?!?! Funny, he asked if I was getting over my grief -- not getting over the loss. Didn't think about that until now. He is a wonderful man -- a true healer -- and I am happy that I went to him today. My back feels better.

So much sadness wracking my body.

Calling my mother on the phone is still such a "pull" for me. I also wake up thinking that I'll see her today -- and then, once again, realize that I can see her only in pictures now (but always feel her in my heart -- and I do).

It is said, "you don't know what you've got, until it's gone". It's true, in my grief, because I couldn't really know the depth of this loss/change. And, now that I do know, I'm amazed how my whole life is changing. Foundational changes. I'm scared, but getting through each day the best I can. Growing up faster.

[emmaj]

I am so glad to hear that i'm not the only one who doesn't want to be around anyone else. Some days it takes everything I have in me to make myself get out of bed and go to work. My husband is getting used to me not cooking. I do the laundry but have slacked off on other chores. I don't talk to anyone that I don't have to or that I can avoid. I don't know how else to describe it....I feel broken. Broken heart, broken body, and completely broken spirit. Someone please tell me this is normal and will get better. A friend I met online is going through the loss of his mother also. He has been great. He listens and talks with me. He seems to understand how i feel. He wants me to see the therapist that my doctor suggested. I have to wait until the end of January for that. It really sucks that I have to wait over a month to see someone that may be able to help. And she can't even prescribe any pills. I'm hoping it won't be a waste of time. I have never in my life felt so confused, lost, screwed up, and alone. This is normal?

[Miss Ngu]

Hi emmaj - I am sorry that you are feeling so badly. I also don't know what normal is, or what it is going to turn out to be, so, I can't help you there. I was thinking, that where I live, and it's a very small town, we have hospice that is connected with our local hospital. Even though my mother wasn't under hospice care when she died, private counseling was available to me and my family. I think you wrote there is a group from the hospice in your area starting up soon -- but, maybe instead of waiting, you can find out if any hospice in your area can see you immediately to give you some individual counseling (while you are waiting for your appointment in January). Maybe, you could call the hospitals in your area. Please forgive me if you have already tried this -- I don't mean to be pushy or frustrating to you. It's was just a thought, and I would really like to believe that some kind of hospice counselor in your area will help you now. I went to see a hospice counselor after my brother died (4 years ago). The counselor was very compassionate, and helped me a lot. Now, after my mother died, I thought to go back, but the counselor was no longer there, and I really didn't want one more thing to do, or one more place to go to. So, I am Thankful to have found this type of help online -- it has been a lifeline for me. I wish you peace and comfort.

[emmaj]

Thank you for your idea about hospice. I hadn't looked into that area for help because my mother wasn't under their care at the time. We did have their help with my father when he was home dying of lung cancer. I don't know why I didn't think of them now. And I'll be honest, when I signed up for this site I really didn't have any expectations of it helping me, but I don't mind admitting I was wrong. It's comforting to know that others are feeling the same way I am. It helps to prove to me that I'm not losing it. I'm sorry that we all have to feel such loss and grief but at least we aren't alone. I was feeling so alone it made me more depressed than I already was.

[Miss Ngu]

If I really feel the way I really feel -- instead of putting on my "public face" -- I am just really sad. Exhausted as well. It's almost too much to keep up with my responsibilities while being in my grief. It is such an overwhelming feeling to KNOW that I need to call my mother (even though, of course, I know I can't). I have never done anything in my life (well...pretty much...)that I didn't talk about with her. I "talk" with her all the time (to her picture), but, I still feel such an intense feeling that I need to pick up the phone and call her. I am truly hoping that once the holidays are over, there will be more time to calm down, and take a bit more time for me. I know life could always be worse, and for many, it is, so I hope to always see and acknowledge the many good things that happen in life as well.

Trying (not hard enough) not to eat so much. Tempting treats are everywhere, and I could so easily take my grief and swallow in all the goodies. I really need to remember that the food will not ease my pain. And, my mother would not want me to start gaining weight, as we both needed to be mindful about our weight.

My mother and I were such a good team! Oh how I miss her.

Seems like there aren't as many people posting lately, but I am pretty sure you are still "out there" -- reading the new posts, as I do. It is a busy time of year, for sure. I guess I thought that during the holidays, this site would be more active, as the holidays seem to be such a difficult time during the grieving process. I know -- it all ebbs and flows -- and I gotta go with it. Reading the posts from years ago are also helpful to me, so, I am still very Thankful.

[credu2007]

Happy Holidays

In so many ways I feel the same as you. Since Christmas and New Years has gotten closer I have felt more of an urge to call my mom. It's so hard......I can talk to her pictures or when I'm alone driving in my car. None of it helps. I just want to call her and talk to her on the phone. I want to hear her voice, I just want to hear her voice with eating I seem to eat anything and everything or nothing at all. I'm find I'm very extreme in opposite ways. it's either all or nothing, no happy medium. I have been checking the posts but finding no time to post for myself even though I need to. I didnt think posting would help but it does. I now have time because my ex took my kids to Iowa to visit his parents.

With my kids gone and my mom gone Christmas seems so much harder to tackle. To make things a little harder I put my cat down yesterday. He was 13 years old and his health in so many ways was failing. I couldn't afford to take him to the the vet to be put on her mess so I thought it would be easier on the both us to just put him down. Life just continues to be crappy. I got a divorce, put my dog down, lost my mom, and put my cat down. When are things going to get better. I'm hoping after the holidays things get better. The new year is a new beginning. I hope

Im going to my best to enjoy the holidays with my boyfriend and his family. Miss Ngu try to make the most of the holidays and enjoy what you can. Our moms would not want us dragging.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi creedu2007, and thank you for your post and your encouragement. I am so sorry that, after such a difficult year for you already, you also needed to put your cat down. It's the humane and merciful thing to do, but, I really feel for you!

Happy to see that you will be spending time with loved ones during the holidays. I am Thankful for my husband and family. Some don't even have that, and my heart really goes out to them.

I agree that writing and sharing helps to process all that is happening. Once I start writing, I have to organize how I am feeling, and, how I want to share it.

It also really helps me to remember that my mother wouldn't want me to dwell too deeply too often in my dispair and grief. She was such a strong and smart woman, and I admired and loved her so much. Thank you for that reminder.

Here's some new info...

My 80-year-old father will be traveling (many miles away) to visit his siblings this Spring. I am nervous for him (mostly: driving on highways with speeds faster than we are used to, and seeing the houses and places where he and my mother spent most of their lives together and how he will deal with this during his grief). Both my sister and I are married, and are not able to accompany him. I feel somewhat ok knowing that he will have family waiting for him there. Anyway...my sister said to me that she thought my father was happy now that my mother has passed, and now he can travel once again. (For the last 10 years, my mother's poor health made it too risky for her to travel, so, they stopped. My sister wants my father to appear as devistated as she thinks he "should" be about her death -- or -- how she thinks she will be when her husband passes.) It amazes me that she can't see through him. My father is putting on quite a happy act most of the time. When he cries about my mom, he calls me (as he knows it's safe, and I will grieve with him and offer some comfort - hopefully). Maybe he should call my sister some of the time when he is crying.

Without my mother, the relationships between my sister, my father and me has changed pretty dramatically. I love my dad, and am in new territory with him for sure. Talking with him (a bit) about his dating future makes me nauseous, but, I feel that I have to do the best I can to support him -- no matter how I personally feel about it.

I am dreading the clock striking midnight on New Year's Eve. My family will be together for hugs and kisses at midnight, and my mother won't be there. How will that be for my father?? For all of us?? Ugh...we've made it this far...now to get through that.

Then...2012...here we come.

Wishing you, creedu2007, and everyone, peace, comfort and strength.