Looking For The Positives

[mfh]

fae, thank you for your loving words. I am home...had a nap...got Bentley first and he literally left the ground when he saw me. He is standing here staring at me right now which is pretty much where he has been all afternoon....on my lap, at my feet, staring into my eyes with his deep brown eyes...how lucky am I?

Harry, yes, I agree...losing my vision is a traumatizing thought....especially as I live alone. I know I would adjust and do it...but scares the bejeebers out of me. I will do some journaling, trust that I will come through this with vision and own my fear and anxiety. it would be a lot easier with Bill holding my hand... Is your vision at risk? You said you fear that.

Mary, I am sure you fear macular degeneration. Is it genetic? I do not know. Let all of us just hope and pray that 30 years from now we will be seeing well. That makes me 103

[kayc]

My boss marches to the beat of a different drum, his brain works different than other people's, his perception is "unique". He owes me for three months, including vacation, I may never see it all but I do need the flow at least. It's a scary thing when you're 60 and no one wants to hire you and you get treated this way...and of course, I think employers are well aware of the times and what they can get away with. We had the same problem at my last job and they were reported and nothing came of it. John worked for someone that didn't pay him and we turned it in and they wouldn't do anything. Amazing. And of course if they did do something it'd be to shut the doors and we'd all be out of work...which isn't a good prognosis either. It's illegal and he knows it. Ask me if he cares!

I do understand your fears, Mary, because our eyesight is so linked to our independence, our ability to drive, read, etc. My aunt went completely blind from Diabetes, so that's always been a concern of mine since I am also Diabetic and have multiple eye problems. I don't think Arlie would make a very good seeing eye dog, too hyper and easily distracted. But lets continue to think the best, that the surgery will have a positive outcome.

Oh, sweet Bentley! Aren't they wonderful! My dog is my incentive and joy!

[mfh]

Mother's Day

I was just sitting here on a silent Sunday and had two phone calls today from women (in their 40s and 50s) who look to me as a surrogate mom. Then this email came in just now. I feel so humbled and honored that these wonderful women friends (and they are wonderful people) ...would look to me as they do. It brought tears to my eyes. If Bill were here I would share this with him but he isn't....so here it is:

I was watching Maya Angelou on Oprah today..... a very interesting woman. Oprah was talking about the influence Maya has had on her and she referred to Maya as her Mother Sister Friend. I like that. I think of you as my Mother Sister Friend Teacher. Your wisdom and insight has had a huge influence on me over the years and you have helped me stretch and grow. Thank you MM.......for stepping in when I needed you. You are a terrific surrogate Mom. Thank you for all your love and support......I really appreciate you. I love you.

(MM is Mother Mary---that is what she calls me)

My positive for the day...with gratitude that another holiday is over. I hope all of you had a Mother's Day that was peaceful, that some of you were with your kids/grands. I had a quiet, much needed quiet day. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

I spent the day off line yesterday but hope it went well for all of you. My SIL had to work and was disappointed to not get to celebrate Mother's Day with me, so I decided to spend time with Arlie, read the paper, and leave early to spend time with my SIL before he had to go to work, then met my kids at my DIL's parents. Had a nice day, ended all too soon as all "days off" seem to!

It's nice to have a quiet day once in a while, Mary, I'm glad your day was nice.

[mfh]

You can watch this on line and if you go to Facebook, you can participate. Go to the link below to get information. Questions, let me know.

http://cmcw2013.wisc.edu/#home

This webcast (simulcast) will be held on Wednesday. The Dalai Lama and many others are in Madison on Wednesday speaking to 4,000 people (half in the morning and half in the afternoon). I have chosen not to go but I think the simulcast will be awesome. This is a part of our UW-Madison Center for Healthy Minds founded and headed up by Richie Davidson. They are doing spectacular research on neuroscience, neurotheology, mindfulness and more. Davidson and the Dalai Lama have become friends and since the Dalai Lama has headquarters here in Madison he comes often. You might want to watch this and also watch to see if it is available afterwards in case you miss it.

[kayc]

He was just here in Eugene OR. Somebody scalped a ticket for $300, he wasn't too happy about that. It kind of goes against his message.

[mfh]

I agree, Kay....the person who did that certainly needs to read more about him and digest it.

[Queeniemary]

My positive for the day, arranged for house to be power washed, and deck and porch. Then porch and deck will be restained. Biggest positive is that I got a pedicure, first nice thing I have done for my feet since all that toe surgery. Felt wonderful.

Had a really special Mother's day with my daughter and her family. Son in law took us to eat at a really nice place, and we all had a great time. The teenage granddaughters did not even show teenage attitude! Special day. Heard from both sons, and also couple of grandsons.

Having lunch tomorrow with my young friend, Shell, widow of my young cousin that just passed away. We had already arranged for lunch, and she called me this morning, asking me how to sleep. She is having a lot of trouble. Gave her some ideas that had helped work for me, but also told her they might not work for her. I think we each have to find our own way to cope at night.

Hope all have peaceful night.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Mary, I am so glad for your mother's day...well remembered you were...and the teens not acting out is great. Congrats on the pedicure...believe it or not I had my first one about a year ago...ever! Good feeling. And after all your surgery and pain it had to feel like self compassion

Shell is blessed to have you to turn to. So sad for her. I think Marty has some info on her website (griefhealing.com) about sleep...you might refer her to that site as it has so much that might help her now or later. Sleep is a tough one. I still stay up too late but end up falling asleep in the chair and so I get 7 hours in but somewhat interrupted. But in the early days I had not slept through the night in months being up with Bill so the pattern was hard to break. I nkow lunch might be hard for you tomorrow.

Peace to you

Mary

Edited May 15, 2013 by MartyT
Link inserted ♥

[kayc]

Mary,

So glad you enjoyed your pedicure! It's something still on my bucket list. Ahh those early days of no sleep...it was so hard indeed! I still sleep in my recliner, the bed is just a reminder that I am alone and without George, haven't liked it since he died.

[Queeniemary]

Lunch with Shell was really good. She has a very good way of looking at things. We each talked, and I think it was good for us both. She is worried, does not know if she is going to be able to keep the house. We did not get into details, but I get the feeling there was no life insurance. I picked up southern comfort food, fried chicken, potato wedges, etc., and she said that was the most she had eaten since Chris died. I will send her the link on sleep. She will be going back to work next week, so she really needs to be able to sleep some.

Going to have the monthly support group tonight with Tom and Dana, had to pospone it from last Friday as Dana was sick. Will enjoy that. Then to Rolla, MO on Sat. for oldest grandson's graduation from college...busy times. The next weekend (Memorial weekend) my 50th class reunion............how did I get this old!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

So glad you could be there for Shell, Mary, I'm sure that was of immense help to her. Glad she was finally able to eat!

I just got my car back! So glad!

[feralfae]

Mary, the Queen,

When my friend's husband died very unexpectedly, we were able to get the bank to refinance the balance on her home, lower the interest rate, and so use the small life insurance policy for some home repairs. They had been in their house for ten years, so if Shell has some equity, this might be a way to make the mortgage payments within her income, keep the house, and simply extend the mortgage, or use a bit of equity to get things in better order. Just a thought. Banks are a lot more helpful in most instances during this economic time, I have found.

Kay. Oh Joy! Hurray on getting the car back!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Yeah, the last thing they want is another house back. They are pretty good to work with if you're already in it, good time to lower interest, extend payments. As long as I am working, I'd like to be in my house...if something happens and I can't work any more, then I'll have to sell.

[feralfae]

How true, Kay!

WIth all the houses around here sitting vacant, the last thing they want is another house to look after!

[mfh]

Lunch with Shell was really good. She has a very good way of looking at things. We each talked, and I think it was good for us both. She is worried, does not know if she is going to be able to keep the house. We did not get into details, but I get the feeling there was no life insurance. I picked up southern comfort food, fried chicken, potato wedges, etc., and she said that was the most she had eaten since Chris died. I will send her the link on sleep. She will be going back to work next week, so she really needs to be able to sleep some.

Going to have the monthly support group tonight with Tom and Dana, had to pospone it from last Friday as Dana was sick. Will enjoy that. Then to Rolla, MO on Sat. for oldest grandson's graduation from college...busy times. The next weekend (Memorial weekend) my 50th class reunion............how did I get this old!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

I am glad both of you got to share...we both understand her not eating. I am so glad I did not have to return to work...some like it as it is a distraction but I would have been totally useless. Have good weekends with family. I just got an invite to my 55th class reunion. It is near my ophthalmologist and the day after I go a check up. we shall see. Have fun.

[mfh]

First the bad news...such as it is. The annual attack of the mosquitoes is underway. It is not fun...they love me. They ignored Bill. We would hike and I am all sprayed up and they find my ear or some tiny spot that I missed. Bill, on the other hand, was ignored.

I watched an event in Madison yesterday via simulcast featuring the Dalai Lama and some amazing other people in two panel discussions. Arianna Huffington was the hostess in the afternoon and invited those watching to email her and gave her email address. Now we all know these go to staff. I emailed about the event and also asked if there was a GPS for the Soul app for Androids as there is for iPhones. Since there are more Android users, one would think it exists. Well, today I got an email supposedly from Arianna saying it does not exist. Then another email came in inviting me to write a 500-1000 word piece, include photo and bio for the Huffington Post. I have no clue what I said in my email that invited that. And I would suspect many many others were invited to do so also. But I am thinking since one of the speakers was addressing health care and a couple were addressing mental health issues in our country...esp how mental health does not get treated equally to physical health...I just might write this piece and focus it on end of life issues (which was mentioned) and on grief, which not taken seriously especially with leave of absence from work. I will wait and watch the discussions again when they are streamed on Monday. And I will post the link then. So if any of you have something you would like said in either of the two areas I mentioned...just private message it to me. I will play with this next week. Back to bill paying. I have gotten nothing done today. First my cleaning gal came (no complaints there ) and then I started to pull some weeds in the front yard and two friends stopped in on their morning walk and then this thing from the Huffington Post. I did meditate but only once so far. Bentley is doing well. I will walk him first as I need to see his bowels move TODAY.

Peace, Mary

[kayc]

Sorry to hear about the mosquitoes...I won't get them so much as bees...lots and lots of bees, and they've already started in. I sprayed the eaves on my deck to no avail, they're out in full force this year!

So glad to hear you've been asked for your two cents worth, Mary! You'll do a great job representing us, you know what to say and are best equipped to do so!

Also, glad to hear Bentley is doing well, I've been wondering. Oh how well I know waiting and watching to see how the BMs go. They tell so much about their current state of health!

[mfh]

Mosquitoes, bees...small potatoes compared to life...right?

Yes, I have been a bit nervous about the medication tying Bentley up but all seems well.

I suspect that many many are invited to write for Huffington but not sure why I am unless it is something that they invite everyone who attended the conference and wrote to them to do. But I will take advantage of it to get my two cents out there. Thanks much.

Bill are almost paid...I have been spending money like water for painting, dishwasher, conference fees, and other household things i have wanted to get done. Now I have to tighten my money belt. I am not a big spender so when I do something like lately I have done...I get nervous that I will outlive my funds. I KNOW you understand that esp since you can't even get paid for what you do so well. Back to work here...

[kayc]

I know about tightening belts! I just wish my waistline would reflect my "belt-tightening"! Ha!

[mfh]

Me, too Kay.

Bills are paid of to bank to move money and mail checks. I saw how the chaos of last month affected my bill paying. I am NEVER late paying bills but I was last month.

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

They don't ask everyone. Be over-the-moon thrilled. And you will be perfect for the piece in hand. The rest of the world does not get death until they have to deal with it as you--and the rest of us here--have.

I've had a full-blown meltdown this week--complete with an anxiety attack yesterday morning--for no reason i can decipher other than it was time for one. Then I go to turn up the heat--it was cold here in New England yesterday--and discover the thermo-couple has burned out in the furnace again--third time in 18 months.

But the weather is beautiful today. I've done the laundry, put in the screens, and watered the garden. If the furnace guy would just turn up I could get to something more complicated.

Ah well. I have lots of other small projects to do while I wait--but I'd really like to be mowing the lawn instead. Unfortunately, I can't hear the phone ring when I am doing that.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

They don't ask everyone. Be over-the-moon thrilled. And you will be perfect for the piece in hand. The rest of the world does not get death until they have to deal with it as you--and the rest of us here--have.

I've had a full-blown meltdown this week--complete with an anxiety attack yesterday morning--for no reason i can decipher other than it was time for one. Then I go to turn up the heat--it was cold here in New England yesterday--and discover the thermo-couple has burned out in the furnace again--third time in 18 months.

Harry, I am so sorry you were feeling so badly this week. I have had a few meltdowns recently and they are not fun and sometimes it is hard to figure out what tripped them off. I think those might happen on and off in some form forever...but gradually not be full-blown. Is your furnace safe? Having three of those burn out in 18 months would have my attention. I hope the furnace guy got there and figured out the cause. I am sure you have more to do than wait for the furnace man but it is a good time to sit and relax.

Let us know how you are as the week wears on.

Re: Huffington, I do not know what to think. I know I want to do a good job of whatever I do knowing it may never get to press. I have written for four newspapers over the years...though nothing as big as that HP, and my dad was a newspaper man...so I know a bit about how they work...The largest paper I have written for is the Bradenton Herald in FL for about 11 years, every week. I was relieved when they laid me off along with 50% of their people...I had nothing left to say..if anyone here can believe that.

[kayc]

Harry,

I'm sorry your week isn't going as planned, three times for the furnace to go out in 18 mos. is not acceptable! I'd not just want him to fix it, I'd want an explanation why this keeps happening. I can sure understand your melt down, sometimes I wonder I don't have one more often myself. I may, however, go home and drink. Just kidding...it's a thought tonight though.

I still have not gotten paid...the client is, I think, stalling us. I'm going to absolutely need it desperately next week as my mortgage comes out of my ckg. automatically. I hate this! I'm good with $ but he's already way behind paying me and with working part time instead of full time, there just is no extra cushion any more.

[Wifflesnook]

I got through yesterday, the anniversary of Pete's Farewell service and cremation, on my own. I never saw anyone that day, but that is how it should be. I walked the dog twice, and spent the time when we had the farewell in the barn sitting in our summer house and reading the poems and tributes by family spoken at the farewell. I also read a lot of the poems I've collected about grief and various reading too. William rang me in the evening.

I didn't break down at all but am not sure that is a good thing. My tears still seem to be buried mostly. When i wasn't actively thinking about Pete I was listening to a Stephen King novel on audible. I struggle with how I use these distractions sometimes. I kind of apologise to Pete in my head for doing it. Shouldn't I be doing something more appropriate to how I feel deep down? But my heart tells me I need that time off. A novel (not necessarily a Stephen King but anything that takes me out of myself) is ok I think.

I slept better last night and the cough, though still present, isn't so bad. Tummy still uncertain. I am totally certain that my body is still reacting to these anniversaries in the only way it can.

Harry, I'm so sorry you had a melt down. Fae, your life seems too busy busy (take your own advice!). Anne I know it isn't long now until your anniversary and I'm thinking of you constantly.