Looking For The Positives

[MartyT]

Mary, my dear, your discovery moved me to tears, and Bill's sketch is positively amazing. I am so happy for you that this happened for you today. I've no doubt in my mind that this is a clear and direct message from your beloved ♥

[mfh]

Thank you so much, Marty. I can not describe the feelings, both physical and emotional, when I realized his name was clearly there with 1974 with it. (W. Hunt 1974). I can still feel my stomach flip. Mary

[enna]

"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul and paints his own nature into his pictures. "

This find is so moving. Thank you, Mary, for sharing this treasure. It touched my heart in a healing way. Anne

[mfh]

The sketch is pure joy and like life itself...it has also brought up some sadness. Though Bill and I wrote dozens, perhaps hundreds of poems in our life together, to each other and in general... we were so busy renovating and building two homes (perhaps a metaphor for the energy we poured into our marriage because we knew we had found gold and wanted to nurture it); we did not take time to pursue art in other ways. I sculpted before our marriage but not after. He did woodworking before but not much after. He wanted to do some sculpture but never got around to it. He wanted to make bowls on his wood lathe but got the lathe too late and could not stand at it due to pain. I wanted to paint as did he and only after his death did I pursue that. Yes, we hiked mountains in CO, WY, and elsewhere; traveled the continent in a lovely motor home; cross country skied on our own land and elsewhere; traveled here and abroad...in between renovating one home and building another both his designs with my input; built two clinics and practices. Art demands stillness/silence/solitude and though we meditated daily, prayed together, listened to music wrapped in each other's arms and at concert halls everywhere; attended vespers in European cathedrals; read poetry together (e.e. cummings; jimenez, and more); read books out loud to each other; took endless quieting walks in our woods and in the mountains, built a medicine wheel on a hill on our land and more....we never got to art. Now I attempt that without him...but he never will...and maybe that is why I have so much trouble settling down to paint...and go for long periods without picking up a pencil to sketch or a brush to paint and never pick up clay....we were going to do all that together...so I will now have to make art for both of us...but I think my body/soul misses doing it with him. It is the only thing we never got to that we wanted to do. Well, besides walking the labyrinth at Chartres Cathedral and seeing the Sequoia trees...and driving our RV to Alaska.

As I look at his sketch and remember where he was emotionally when we met...I see the tops of the trees where the flowers (leaves, fruit, blossoms) would be found...are not only non existent but dead looking. It makes me sad because I know how unhappy he was and as I look at photos (before me) he appears dead, expressionless in all of them. It makes me joyful however, because I know the photos after I came into his life show a joy filled and peaceful man. I would like to have seen what he would have drawn a year into our marriage. But I really do know....trees with branches full of leaves...

Peace, Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Mary how totally wonderful. Bitter sweet as everything is for us. Joy wrapped with sorrow. But truly a message for you from Bill in my opinion. I have come to believe that we get communications and that they have to come in different forms. This is so beautiful and so timely. What a treasure. I still look at Pete's watch, which I wear at all times and which has no Tick, and remember a time when I lay silently on the settee and suddenly I heard a loud ticking coming from the watch. It only lasted about a couple of minutes and then I heard it no more. And never since. It was really weird but I still think it was a communication. The veil between their world (probably not the right word) and ours is beyond our present understanding. Before Pete died I was a totally rational person and not a believer in an after life. Now I am open. I am waiting. This is a wonderful experience. And you have the picture to treasure.

[mfh]

Thank you, Jan. I know I found a treasure yesterday reminding me also that I DO have one other drawing/painting of Bill's that I forgot about...framed. This was like discovering something greater than gold for me yesterday...totally unexpected reminding me that ANYthing can happen. It seemed to touch down in that area of me that constantly looks for my hope to be deepened.

Peace, Mary

[MartyT]

Ashley Davis Bush: "Memories are like gold nuggets, nuggets with sharp edges that eventually wear smooth. During the first year or two of grief, memories may be painful, only highlighting the loved one's absence. However, over time, a shift begins to occur. The sharp edges soften and memories become like treasures, prizes to cherish." Griever's Gold: Cherished Memories

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

What a wonderful blessings and miracle for you to find that sketch!

I am crying just knowing that you have a treasure of Bill's mind, heart and life to hold and cherish.

And, yes, I can see what you are saying about the sketch: it has a look of dead winter about it. And then you two fell in love, and his world changed. Doug often said that to me, that when he fell in love with me, his world changed. It is so emotionally affirming to see how Bill was, and then to have seen the photos of his smiling face, you two together, and how your lives grew, blossomed, came into beauty, and the full fruits of love once you were married. I am beyond touched, and can only say what a sense of joy I feel to have been a witness and able to share the miraculous story of your love and life with Bill. Thank you so much. I cannot stop crying, but they are tears of gratitude that we have had such loves in our lives. Oh my. Goodness.

Thank you from one artist to another, from one whose husband was also an artist, and how I feel when I find a sketch of Doug's. Thank you for giving me words to help to identify the feelings of recognition and of cherishing the remarkable men we had as husbands. Thank you.

Much, much love,

*<twinkles>*

Fae

(who must get back to this huge work project at the office, which is why I have not been around, but hope to be finished and here more by the weekend)

[mfh]

Marty, I love that quote...gold nuggets with sharp edges worn smooth over time and it is indeed how grief is. I never thought I would be able to believe that the pain lessens over time. But it does...thanks to so many caring people and a pile of books that about reaches my ceiling.

fae, it sounds like two men had happier lives because of us and I KNOW you and I had happier lives.

I left the art workshop early today...my back could not hold out any longer and being with 22 chatty women for two days is way over the top for me. Though they were all pretty busy working in between demos today. At lunch I ate a quick salad and walked Bentley down to the river...cold, sunny, windy. But I did learn some neat techniques that will require a LOT of practice...so much to learn and I have just taken the first baby step on a very long journey to being a half way decent painter, let alone good.

The house painters came today. They were gone when I got home at 2:45 and did not arrive by 9:30 when I left...but they painted the kitchen and bathroom ceilings and the kitchen entry way ceiling. I now have all my kitchen cabinets covered with plastic, tarps on the floors of all of those rooms, tub/shower is covered in plastic etc. I think I will go get a salad tonight somewhere for dinner or crawl into bed and hide. I HOPE they return tomorrow and do the walls so I can take a shower and cook on the weekend. If not, I will have to shower at a friend's home but there is not one room in this house that even resembles order...the chaos is growing, expanding now. I think tomorrow I will get my art studio back in order...most of my paints,foam boards, brushes, and a ton of stuff are now in my car because of the workshop but if I can drag myself to my studio, I will make order out there and maybe paint if I can sit upright . I am practicing patience...BIG TIME...repeating "this too shall pass and it is no big deal in the grand scheme of things. It is a blip on the screen...relax Mary, meditate, go for a walk."

[kayc]

Oh Mary, my heart goes out to you! I know this chaos is as hard for you to endure as it would be for me. I hope you get your home back soon!

The sketch was truly a find, how neat that you noticed the austere look of the trees...and that this was before Bill had you in his life. Beautiful nonetheless!

George's poem was just a start, no where near a finish...I honestly wish now I'd kept the two 5" notebooks of letters he sent me but they were meant for my eyes only and after his death it got me started thinking and I didn't want prying eyes to read after I died. I have so much stuff he's written me though, so many cards and notes, he was quite the writer and everything he's told me is in my head and in my heart.

My positive today was getting my new bridge on (front upper teeth)...the last one they made I hated and I'm glad I had it remade, it makes such a difference to feel like I can smile without the bridge detracting from the looks of it. I'm very pleased with how it came out, the color and blending was superb and it feels comfortable.

[mfh]

Oh Mary, my heart goes out to you! I know this chaos is as hard for you to endure as it would be for me. I hope you get your home back soon!

The sketch was truly a find, how neat that you noticed the austere look of the trees...and that this was before Bill had you in his life. Beautiful nonetheless!

George's poem was just a start, no where near a finish...I honestly wish now I'd kept the two 5" notebooks of letters he sent me but they were meant for my eyes only and after his death it got me started thinking and I didn't want prying eyes to read after I died. I have so much stuff he's written me though, so many cards and notes, he was quite the writer and everything he's told me is in my head and in my heart.

My positive today was getting my new bridge on (front upper teeth)...the last one they made I hated and I'm glad I had it remade, it makes such a difference to feel like I can smile without the bridge detracting from the looks of it. I'm very pleased with how it came out, the color and blending was superb and it feels comfortable.

Kay, I am so glad you got the smile you have wanted for so long. Good for you. I do understand about holding things in our hearts and not always needing the written form of the gifts we received from our men.

Yes, I will be glad to get my house back. I feel pretty lost but it WILL pass...sometimes i wonder if it will be worth it but the living room and dining room are painted (the rooms however are storage areas right now for kitchen and bathroom stuff). The fresh paint feels good and hopefully by this time next week, they will be on their way to paint someone else's house and leave me to putting things here in order. a couple of friends have volunteered to help me hang art...the rest I can handle. I need now to get the oil of Bill framed. I was waiting for the new wall color. This too shall pass....unlike the grief we will always carry...though more easily over time.

Thanks, Kay

Mary

[mfh]

Ashley Davis Bush: "Memories are like gold nuggets, nuggets with sharp edges that eventually wear smooth. During the first year or two of grief, memories may be painful, only highlighting the loved one's absence. However, over time, a shift begins to occur. The sharp edges soften and memories become like treasures, prizes to cherish." Griever's Gold: Cherished Memories

This is a great piece, Marty. Thanks...

[Queeniemary]

Ah Mary, how wonderful for you to have found that sketch, I have no doubt that Bill directed you to it. Sorry about your mess, hope they finish up soon. As soon as the weather stays warm, I am going to get in a mess myself, painting needs done, and having new flooring put down in kitchen and dining room.

We are having thunderstorms here in the Ozarks today, I love thunderstorms. We have had lots of weather changes, they really make me hurt. Will be glad when summer gets here. My positive for yesterday is that I was abducted by aliens....at least I think so. I started out looking for a bottle of BBQ sauce in ref., and finished up cleaning out whole ref, and washing it down..........had to be aliens.

Kay, glad you got your smile back. My friend Vive had sort of the same problem, and just recently got hers fixed correctly, like you, she feels like smiling now.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. I know weekends are the worst for some of us. I seem to have something going on every weekend, it is the weeknights that get so hard for me. Think we are fixing fish on Sat. night for a group of friends, Salmon and haddock that my friend Tom caught in Alaska last summer. He is going again this year, and wants to get his freezer cleaned out....we are willing to help him.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Yes, Mary, the sketch is a treasure. It reminded me that I do have another but since all my pictures are off the walls and my mind is screwy right now, I forgot I had another he did in chalks...colored.

I hope your rain stops and with it the pain you are in. I am so sorry the weather so affects you but I do understand that VERY well. Bentley got pretty restless this past winter when we just could not go out and walk...too cold or too icy....one or both.

Enjoy your Alaskan fish. Costco used to carry wild Salmon from Alaska but lately they just have farm raised...not great.

Mary

[kayc]

Mary, I hope your friend enjoys her smile as much as I do mine! I paid $3,000 for it and it seemed like a waste to have them redo it but they said it didn't fit well and was wearing out (under a year?) so I'm glad they made a new one and now it's done with.

[mfh]

Kay, it was me who got the new smile...My top front 6 teeth are bonded...surfaced with some kind of material. Worth every penny...and pretty close to 3 grand several years ago. Pricey mouths we have

[mfh]

I finally got a shower and can associate with people again and a few names of friends' who told me to shower at their houses. I hope the invitation was just the result of kindness.

After that I attended the concert of a friend's 20 year old daughter...an amazing young woman we have all watched grow up. She performed R. Strauss, Schubert, Mozart, Puccini and Barber. One of the pieces threw me, tears, of course, as I am sitting in the church where Bill's funeral was held and many there were at the funeral but I bet not one connected it even when they saw me. Why would I think they would?

These are the words to the Schubert piece. Schubert.pdf I do not really feel bitter as this piece says but it does express the pain I felt and some I feel.

This is the piece sung for those who like classical music.

( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRfJZlOpO44 )

This young woman sang in German, Italian and English and was the picture of grace and truly amazing talent....polished, graceful, expressive, and a voice that is off the charts great. And her mom calls her a diva and we all know she is...mom says she needs a team of 7 to take care of her. We laugh with her about it but it is true and a part of her own maturing process.

Now I am home with no painters (yes, there is chaos) alone until Monday morning...just Bentley and me...and it feels wonderful to just STOP even in the mess. I stopped to get my mail and in it were some books I ordered. (Will I ever stop buying books? I doubt it.) One is by Aron. It is The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive when the World Overwhelms You. I can hardly wait to dive into it and several other books in my "to read" pile.

Peace to your hearts,

Mary

[enna]

Thank you, Mary for telling us about your day. I do love classical music and did so appreciate the link you added to your post. I have always believed that music is a talent that one is born with whether it be singing or playing.

Books - no, Mary I do not believe that you will ever stop buying books. You and a few others I know will probably be sitting under a tree somewhere 100 years from now playing catch-up with all the books you haven't read. I love to reread books I've already read. It's that place that I can go to when I'm reading. I know that I have read about a dozen books on grieving after Jim died and I look at them now and say I need to read these!

I'm glad that you were able to shower. Hopefully the house will be back to normal in a few more days and the doors won't be sealed closed and you will be able to breathe easier. Sending flowers and sunshine to you from AZ. We will reach 100 degrees (a dry heat) tomorrow. I still don't know if Benji likes water. I hope so because I intend to spend many summer days in the water. Thank goodness Pat & Jerry have a pool. Jim loved the water and he could get his exercise even during his last months. I have been told that I will need to spend time in the water with my heart failure. It is great for anyone who has difficulty with arthritis or any other bone disease. Anne

[mfh]

Music is so healing and though I am not an opera buff, I so enjoyed Caitlyn today...

Yes, I will have to have a library in heaven with the latest books. I, too, read a slew of books on grief and life after life and since I can't remember most from the first two years, they will be like new to me someday when I ever have time to re-read...if I ever do.

100 degrees is waaaaaaaaaay too hot for me. But I am glad for you to have the sunshine and flowers. Not one leaf can be found on one tree here...buds yes, but no leafs. I do not ever remember something like this but it has probably happened before. I have ONE hyacinth in bloom. No signs of anything other than tulips breaking through finally. I hope Benji likes water. If he sees you in the water, that will help. Bently put his feet in the river this week but I have yet to get his whole body in but I am not a swimmer so it is fine. I almost drowned as a ten year old and had to be pulled out of a deep pool. That after many warnings from my mom to be careful of the water. So I developed big fear. At age 43 I took a TOW class for adults (Terrified of Water) and did well...even went off the high dive but I do not swim well at all and don't miss it. I hope you and Benji can enjoy the water.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Since a couple of people have written to ask if I am ok I guess I'd best make a general announcement. I haven't intentionally vanished. I've just been insanely busy with fundraising and cancer research and planning.

Since early February I've pieced together about $23,000 for cancer research, done two major fundraisers, a 300 piece mailing, recruited team members for both our Relay for Life and Jimmy Fund Marathon Walk teams, distributed 250 sponsorship folders, and have two more fundraisers in May and June fully planned and publicized. In addition, I've started the planning for three more fundraisers and begun thinking about three more ideas I've run by the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston and started outlining two instructional videos for doctors and patients.

I keep wanting to post something here but by the end of the day all I really want to do is listen to my Red Sox for a few innings and then go to sleep. I'm not depressed, I am just that tired. I am taking two days off a week to play in the garden and relax. I am looking for a good yoga studio willing to put up with someone who used to be able to do most of the poses effortlessly but now can do none of them very well--and whines about it.

I am taking a week in late June and another in late July or early August to go wander in the mountains and then taking two weeks in late September after the Marathon Walk to just sit and vegetate.

So I'm ok--or as ok as any of us can be having lost what we have lost. Someday I will no longer have to remember to smile. I was at a Jimmy Fund event today for Dana-Farber. One of the presenters was a woman who lost her son to cancer 17 years ago. She told me someone said to her that when she started smiling before she cried that the healing would be advanced enough to notice. "It takes time to get there," she said. "But it does happen."

Twenty-eight months, she said, is still too early in the process for that to happen when the love is that deep. I'll continue to be patient on that front. But I won't be patient with the slow progress we are making on this form of cancer. Research takes money so I will keep working on that front. I don't know if it is the right thing to do from Jane's point of view--but it is what I can do to make a difference.

Ultimately, I think that is what we are all here for: to make a positive difference in the lives of others. As Jane and I used to say to each other with some regularity, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one." Each of us makes a difference every day--and there are few people I have met who make a bigger positive difference than the people on this page do for each other every day. Never lose sight of that.

I'll be back. I love you all too much to vanish. But for another week I have to have my nose to the fundraising grindstone.

Be well.

Peace,

Harry

[enna]

Oh Harry, it was so good to get your PM today and find out that you were busy as ever for a cause so dear to your heart.

Your devotion to the cause of cancer research is absolutely inspirational. What a positive you are involved in and how it truly lifts our spirits.

Red Sox fan - good for you. Gardens brings life to a dormant soil that sends us into excitement over the notice of something popping out of the ground. My spring has been here for weeks and others are just getting the first signs of a spring that has been long awaited for especially in the midwest!

Good luck on the yoga - I have decided that turning myself into a pretzel is not the best exercise for me since I'd probably never be able to find my way out of the twisted tangles! I'd rather sit quietly in a field of flowers or float in a calm pool of water.

We are all on this grief journey. Hopefully we can manage to ride the waves or roller coasters with some grace. If not then we do it as we need to - I have been content to sit in a deep hole for a long time wondering when I'd make the move to start climbing out. I am out right now.

I so believe that we make a collective difference in our grief journeys. Who better to understand than those of us how have walked, crawled this path. Good luck in your fundraising, Harry. We are with you and it is so good to hear from you. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Harry it was good to see your post. I follow you on Facebook so I knew you were busy. You are doing so much good for others and I do hope it's having the effect of healing you. I've read so many of your wise words. By your work for cancer you are doing the very best thing to remember your beloved Jane. Jan

[kayc]

It's been 80 here lately, it's been nice. Cooler today and next week, but still lovely, although rain is coming tonight and Monday I think.

Mary, glad you got your shower, that can make a person feel new again! The concert sounds truly rapturous!

Harry, so good to hear from you...we figured you were busy, you accomplish more than the rest of us could ever imagine! We feel in complete support of all of your endeavors and I'm sure you look forward to having some time off now and again this summer to recoup. I've been trying to think of a way I can take some inexpensive time off work and have special time with my Arlie. Maybe some time at the beach...

[mfh]

The concert was wonderful. And the shower also . It is cloudy today but warm so I am off to walk Bentley and maybe make a big salad when I get back. I think your rain today and tomorrow is headed here...most of the week. At least it is going to be in the 70s and 60s.

Mary

[mfh]

Harry, I see you on Facebook and see all you are doing there. I really admire your energy and commitment and it is nice to see you here.

On a break. Just spent a couple of hours putting my trellis together...frustrating job alone but I got it together AND installed and looking good... just in time as the clematis is about a foot high and ready to attach itself to something. Soon lovely deep purple flowers will grace the trellis and stone wall. Now to walk this patient pup of mine. It is sunny and warm...I think spring has finally come to Spring Green. People are out doing yard work and you can feel spring in the air.