Looking For The Positives

[HAP]

10 miles to 8K is far more strenuous than a relatively flat 20. I am in awe of that, Mary.

Harry

[mfh]

Well, we started at 8k and we stopped a lot on the way up...going down was tougher, of course....and I was younger...let's see I was 60 not 73. Couldn't do it now, for sure! Thanks, Harry.

[feralfae]

Harry, it is good to see you here, in the midst of all your wonderful work. You are just remarkable! I admire that you have found a sacred purpose and you are on your Path. Congratulations. It is wonderful to see you on this Path.

And you may be "feeling your way" in your own unique way just as much as the rest of us, but you Shine so with the work and connecting, the caring and witnessing that you do! Bravo!

You are truly one busy man on a mission! Thank you for sharing with us as you continue on your journey.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

I am only recently cleared to venture above 8,500 feet again.

Right now, I am not sure I could slog up that far, even!

I think we are doing very well doing all that we are doing. And we seem to be getting better at it.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, We lived at 8,500 so had acclimated to it and going higher was not a big deal. And I was younger...about 60 at the time.

Couldn't do it now.

I am glad you have been cleared however as that is a good sign.

Mary

[kayc]

Well this is both a positive and a negative...I dropped my car off for the body work and got a car from Enterprise...they told me it'd be a Civic like mine, it wasn't, it'll get 1/2 the gas mileage and with my long commute, it's going to add up. Also, found out my stupid insurance company filed a claim on MY insurance without my authorization and knowledge after I told them NOT to! I see another fight brewing...

My daughter dropped by my office this morning, it's always a treat to see her, just don't know anyone that carries so much sunshine!

[mfh]

Well, I am at my friend's in the northern suburbs of Chicago. In the morning I head to the southern suburbs, almost to Indiana for eye stuff. Tonight we went to see a movie that a friend of Cathy's told her was great. It was called Amour and it was in French with subtitles...I knew 10 minutes into it that I did not want to see this movie. I also knew if I left, they would leave. So I sat there reliving the caregiving days with Bill in a depressive, slow moving, sad, upsetting, and dark movie about a older couple-one taking care of the other as one is dying. After 45 minutes I turned to Cathy and told her I would wait in the lobby. I left. Of course they followed and thanked me for leaving. Then another man came out having left his wife inside. I am still trying to get this out of my mind but soooo glad I finally got up and made my exit. We all went for frozen custard at a Wisconsin based Culver's...founded in Spring Green...I felt at home Cathy still can't figure out, nor can I what is great about this movie.

My positive for the day.

[feralfae]

Kay, I hope things work out with your car and insurance. And it sounds as though you had an angel visit you just when you needed the sunshine. Love moves in wonderful ways.

Mary, it is so good to hear that you have "landed" for the evening, and I am only sorry that you did not feel comfortable leaving the film earlier. None of us need that sort of re-enactment when we are hoping for a nice time and perhaps some smiles.

My positive for the day is that there are 17 more cartons packed and indexed, and another 12 cartons made for tomorrow, when my long-tme dear friend Jenny is coming out to help me and visit. I have fresh organic baby spinach, organic eggs, some organic poppy seed dressing, and some organic hummus and GF/DF chips for us, so we can have a lovely tea party. Jenny is the marketing and sales director at the Holter Museum, which you may remember me sharing about with Shannon. But her husband is not well, and she is worn out, working and caring for him. Tomorrow is sort of our excuse to have some time and visit, and just catch up, as well as pack some books and china, but that is secondary. We both need to have a nice visit. We go back a long, long way through families, almost 50 years.

I must get some sleep. It has been a tremendously productive, but tiring, day.

Blessings and Much Love to All,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae, you are so industrious, you make me feel lazy! I don't plan on getting much done this weekend...the usual chores and I want to make some chocolate-peanut butter truffles to my DIL's mom for mother's day.

Kitty is getting her problem back, so back on the pumpkin mixture & probiotics. I may have to take her to the vet, it would help if I'd get paid. My boss told me he's paying another guy because he works for fun and he can't afford for him to quit. Wow, that's nice. I NEED mine, I don't have a husband or parents or savings, I just have bills! He owes me for three months and gave me a partial check yesterday.

Mary, I'm glad you followed your heart and walked out of the movie. Was it a bad movie or did it just conjur up too many memories/feelings? I'm not thrilled with French subtitles anyway. I like things that make me smile, reality is hard enough without adding to the mix.

fae, so glad you'll take some enjoyable time today!

[mfh]

In a restaurant eating salad before appt.the movie was terrible. Slow dark sad. It was all of us who did not like it. I was just the first to leave. George just lost his son. Cathy has aged with chemo. And me.frozen custard was better. Just fought Chicago tollways and freeways...55mph is a joke. Try 75 in 12 lanes of traffic surrounded by semi trucks. Brought back memories. I am out where I grew up. More memories.

kay I never heard of not getting paid. That is outrageous. Is there no way recourse? I assume you do not want to rock the boat for fear of losing your job but that is just unacceptable. I am sorry.

[Wifflesnook]

That settles a question for me. I ordered Amour because it was so much praised and it has been sitting on my shelf still in cellophane until I felt it was the right moment to watch it. I now know that there will never be a right moment for me to watch it. After reading your comment Mary I looked again at the reviews. One said Why watch this harrowing film before you have to experience such things? Since Pete had a stroke and I have cared for him, doing all sorts of things for him that were very intimate and which of course I did happily and lovingly I don't need to revisit the pain. So I shan't watch it. Thanks Mary for a timely warning.

As for my positive, I am resting, resting and resting again after six days of being with our daughter and two grand daughters, commemorating the anniversary of Pete's death, celebrating Rosie-Mae's first birthday, and generally being very very very busy. When I got home yesterday I was truly totally shattered, but now I've rested I feel a bit better. I've survived this. No prizes for surviving though, just have to endure more time without my beloved Pete. As you all know. ....

[kayc]

Jan, I'm glad you got some rest, I'm sure you well needed it!

Mary, I can't imagine driving in that much traffic, there IS no such place in Oregon, not even in Portland!

There's a lot of places not paying their employees on time, the scary part is if they go belly up, we're up the creek! Since I was on unemployment during the "base period" I wouldn't get much of anything if I had to file unempl. again so I'm trying to ride things out as long as I can...that and the fact that I never got put back to full time work.

[mfh]

Hi folks,

I guess the positive tonight is I did not push myself to drive home. I am at my brother's at his monastery. Just had dinner and nice discussion with 3 priests mostly about the new Pope. It was good. My brother was not here yet as he is giving a talk at the University of Chicago monastery and will be here about 8. My eye appointment which I thought was going to be about 30 minutes was

3 1/2 hours and involved tests on 4 different pieces of equipment, two exams (dilated and not dilated), a long meeting with my doctor/surgeon that left me extremely frightened as she went into detail about my surgeries and the complications for my eyes and also the typical things that can go wrong, a meeting with the insurance gal. My brother rearranged his schedule and surprised me at the office and by the time I got through with the MD it was late on a dark rainy day, I was way too tired to drive home and dilated anyway. I am working on a way to turn this over as I just have to do these surgeries, try not to spend these weeks worrying, and trust that all will be well and if not, that I will cope. The doc and I discussed corneal transplants in detail should things go wrong and corneal transplants is still an option, and also the worst possible results. If I do not do the surgeries now the risk increases and if I do not do it at all, it is guaranteed loss of vision to the cataracts. So I am not in a very good space tonight but like all else, I will like all of us...deal with what is on my plate. Of course my mind gets lost in the fear of being blind. It is bad enough to grow old without Bill but to be blind also...well... I know I am jumping the gun tonight but I also know these are my fears tonight and hopefully i can calm them down into a fear that is less all consuming than it is right now. As much as I love my brother, I know discussing this with him when he gets here will be worse than not discussing it as he goes into priest mode I.e. advice etc. I know him. I love him but am realistic.

I am wishing Bill was here with me to talk about my fears and wrap himself around me.I will drive ho me in the morning and get home around 2 to pick up Bentley. Going through this without Bill is frightening. Going through it is frightening period.

[kayc]

Oh, Mary, I wish I could put my arms around you and pray for you, but I will pray anyway, that you will have confidence and peace. Bill may not be here as you'd like, but God is. I have a sister, like your brother, that always goes into telling me what to do, which might be the right thing for her, but not for me. I'm glad you decided not to drive home tonight. We are going to expect the best for you and this surgery is going to help you and not hurt you. My heart is with you tonight, I know this is hard. (((hugs)))

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Mary, I am so very sorry to learn these awful details, and I can only imagine how terrifying this must be for you. We are, every single one of us, holding you close and lifting you in our prayers tonight. We will be with you, loving you and carrying you through whatever lies ahead for you ~ that I can promise you. ♥

[mfh]

Thank you, Kay. So much. Jim just got, we chatted and he has go e to his suite. I told him how afraid I was (I will. Ever learn) said I feared losing vision in the right eye, first one to be done. His response: well you would still have vision in the other eye. I came close to losing it but kept my cool as I said: you just negated the serious ess of being blind in one eye. He did not get it. Tried to say that was not what he mea t...etc. I feel worse for sharing anything. When will I learn ? His affect speaks louder than his words...just level. No emotion. He asked if I wanted to go out to breakfast in the morning. I said no...I need to be home.

Thanks, Kay.

[mfh]

Dear Marty, thank you. I do know you all are with me and that is very consoling. Thank you for reminding me. I need to find a way to deal with this fear between now and July 24 and again Aug 21. I can't focus on it for that time as I am tonight. Thank you. My brother asked me if I left the office feeling more optimistic or pessimistic after I had just explained the above details. He missed the whole point...as usual. 2 PhDs, 3 masters, 2 BAs...where is the emotional intelligence? Thanks for your caring heart.Mary

[enna]

I am so sorry to hear this news, Mary. Just more for you to deal with and come to terms with as you wait for the surgeries. You know we will be with you. You have been so generous with yourself and I so appreciate your generous heart.

I am sorry that you did not get the emotional support from Jim - perhaps someday he will learn! Maybe not.

Safe trip back home. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Mary I am thinking of you and hoping firstly for a good outcome and secondly for you not to worry too much about what the outcome will be. Thinks of the Mark Twain quote " I have had a lot of worries in my life but most of them never happened" . Well it was something like that anyway. Emotional intelligence - yes. My brother didnt have it, my father didnt have it, and now, sadly my son doesn't have it. Can it be taught? I wonder? Possibly not. Your own empathy is so strong, in fact I think you are the most empathetic person I have even encountered. I know you have some good close friends back home and hope they will help you. It goes without saying that we are with you. I know that it's when we encounter these problems that we feel the lack of our beloved husbands, who would support us, the most. I hope you will feel that even though he isn't with you physically, that nevertheless Bill is supporting you.

[kayc]

We can't get from people what they don't have. He may have PhDs but he's missing in other areas. It will be good for you to be home...drive careful, let us know when you make it home safe to Bentley.

[mfh]

Jan, Kay, Anne
Thank you all for your kind and loving words.
Jan, I think empathy can be learned if the person is able and willing to look at themselves, their pains and joys and devote a lot of energy to that journey...and if that person sees the lack of empathy and wants to change. That is a huge order. Seeing who we are (awareness) is the biggest and first step IMHO. there are all kinds of people with all kinds of gifts and my challenge with my sibs is to accept them as they are with the love they clearly have and stop expecting something different. Bill was deeply empathic. I mean I am so spoiled...he heard AND felt close to all I felt and if he could not in an instance, he asked for input so he could get it. I am learning how much I was heard and felt by him and at some unconscious level just decided everyone could and would be that way even though I, of course, knew and know better.

Anne, thank you. I think Jim is who he is. He never had the opportunity to be loved and cherished as I was and I feel sad for that. He is loved by many and admired and is a good man who just can not give me what he does not have the ability to give.
Kay, I do hope you get your car on Tuesday and make the switch but mostly I wish you freedom from tough stuff for a long long while and a pay check with interest and a getaway.

I will be in the car in an hour and headed north...thank you all. Love, mary

[mfh]

Kay, I am clearly out of the loop regarding small businesses or large not paying employees. Employers have at least a verbal contract with employees..I.e. employee shows up and does the work. Employer pays on time. I hope he comes through.. Pronto.

As for traffic...I am quite familiar with Chicago traffic but because I went to Cathy's first, I had to get on roads I have not traveled for a long time and had forgotten they were race tracks...I don't mind them but grateful for my one horse town where the fastest people go is 35. Madison is faster than it was in 1987 when we got here but still nothing compared to Chicago where the gas is highest in the nation...paid $4.29 yesterday. Leaving for home shortly.

Feeling better this morning and just trying not to think about eyes for the day.

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

I am glad you are on your way home. I hope the drive is better, anticipating being back in your own space, with Bentley, and able to relax and let your defenses fall for a while.

I think once the worst happens -- our Beloved is in another space -- we have a tendency to begin to as Kay said, gird ourselves against future bad happenings.

But, I know the odds for the surgery are very much in your favor. Of course you are upset: you are a reader, a seeing person who lives through and with and by her eyes. Anyone with any inner awareness would be scared. When Estelle had her surgeries -- both wonderfully successful -- we all rallied around her and held her hand and went with her, because Dad was gone and "the worst" had already happened, and she was still reeling a bit.

We are holding your hand and holding you in our hearts each day. Once you are settled in at home, in your own space, and surrounded by your own life, I hope you can unwind and rest for a few days, then consider the probable outcome again. I know each case is unique, and in your case, we are all going to be visualizing, praying for, and intending the very best outcome for you.

And meanwhile, you know we are all with you in spirit.

Your poor brother. He is probably a very good priest, and that is good, because I don't think he is going to work on shifting his empathy to open his heart to a deeper level of sharing with other humans, so it is good he has that with his Creator. He is probably good at sharing a doctrinal caring and structure with peers. We each have such unique paths. He simply was not the person you needed with you, and Bill IS with you, dear Mary, and is holding you in his heart as well as loving you with great tenderness and compassion each breath, each step, each thought. I know once you are home and have had some hours and miles between you and the experience that you will sit and share with Bill and find peace and hope again.

These times of being alone to face the unknown can be very trying. But we are not alone, for we have each other, our Beloved is still firmly with us in our hearts and spirits, and we are so very, very loved.

So, if you are home when you read this, Welcome home. Enjoy the love around you, and rest, rest, rest. You will get back to center in a little while, and things will look better.

I am sorry things feel so tough. I am glad that you will be feeling better in a few hours. Rest.

Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[HAP]

I just saw my first hummingbirds of the year at the feeders! One at the lower feeder when I finished mowing; then a second as I closed the screen on the deck at the upper feeder--no more than seven feet away.

It is a bittersweet moment. Today marks 29 months since Jane's death. Maybe they were a gift from her to cheer me up.

Mary, I don't know what to say to you. I know there were times i shut down my emotions when Jane was sick because otherwise I would not be able to think clearly when decisions had to be made. But this does not sound like that to me. The thing i fear most is not being able to see, so I understand your fear. I worry about that more than i do falling or getting sick. Too much of what we do and enjoy is caught up in being able to see.

Peace,

Harry

[Queeniemary]

Mary, I have been rather out of the loop, with a family death, and other things. I just saw the posts about your eye problems. Are the two dates you mentioned the dates you are going to have the surgeries, and are they cataract surgeries. Obviously you have something more than cataracts going on, but I have missed out on what it was. I am sorry that you are having to go through this, and very sorry that your brother was not more of a support. Some people are just unable to "get it". I am sure that he loves you, and wants the best for you, but does not look at things like you and I do. I have a close friend who's husband is that way. A really good man, just does not seem to be able to empathize. I totally understand the fear of blindness. My Mother went blind from macular degeneration. That is probably my biggest fear. I, like Harry, think I could handle a lot of things, but my mind just cannot think about being not able to see. Reading is my life, or a great part of it..........if I could not read...cannot fathom.. I am suppose to have cataract surgery this summer, however, they do not indicate any reason for me to think it will not be fine.

I will be thinking of you, and hoping that you will be able to put the stress caused by the fear of the unknown away, but I know that will be hard. It would be for me. We will think very very positive thoughts!

Kay, I too have a little trouble understanding your not getting paid in full. However, my daughter has experienced a similar happening where she works. She did get paid, but it was a couple of days late. When you really need that paycheck, a couple of days can be critical! Hope you have a restful weekend.

I am trying to find a positive for today.....This might be one. The inside door leading down to my basement (only been up less than a year) suddenly was pulling off the hinges and the wood was splitting where the screws were coming out. I think it was my fault, as I had the habit of putting my hand on the edge of the door where the hinges are, to help pull myself up the stairs from the basement. Well, talked to youngest son who lives in Missouri (who knows about that kind of stuff) and we decided I would try to glue the door where it had split on the edges near the screws. My friend Tom helped me take the door off the other night, and I have been gluing each hinge area (with gorilla glue per son) and then clamping for many hours. I finished last hinge area this morning, and daughter and son in law will help me tonight to see if we can hang it back up. My son says it might last a good long time, especially as the door is not used much. Of course, I will have to quit using it to help get me up the stairs...lol. Hope it at least holds until next time Chris is down, as he is the only one in this family good at that sort of thing. He works for a building contractor.

Hope all have a good weekend. I will be attending tomorrow the funeral of my young second cousin, age 40, who died of a heart attack on Monday. Very sad. Spent some time Tuesday with his wife, who, of course, is still in shock. His death was as sudden and unexpected as Mikes.

Hope all the Moms have good Mother's Day. I am not suppose to know, but found out by accident that I am being taken out to a special Mothers day breakfast at 12 Oaks, a really great place owned by a good friend of mine, where she does special events. Events such as weddings, reunions, mothers day breakfast and lunch, valentine day dinner, etc. I will pretend to know nothing!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas