Looking For The Positives

[mfh]

I do love classical music and did so appreciate the link you added to your post. I have always believed that music is a talent that one is born with whether it be singing or playing.

Anne, here is Caitlyn, the gal that sang yesterday. She was just 17-18 when she did this college performance at UW. She just turned 20. She is far better now...more voice control, more expression, etc. I know you like opera and will enjoy this young woman.

http://caitlinrubymiller.com/quando-men-vo/

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for all the beautiful music!

How delightful!

Today, while you were putting a trellis up, I admired my two blooming daffodils, cleaned and fed the flower beds, and had a wonderful time outside, before coming in and doing more painting on my tent fly. We have rain and snow coming in tomorrow, and I am pondering if it will get so cold that I should dig up and bring in the pretty yellow flowers. As a child, I lived where there were swaths of daffodils of many kinds all the way from the drive up the walk to the house. I never did figure out how many kinds were there. Montana nor Wyoming are good daffodil homes, but I have a few I nurse along.

For want of care, my lovely yellow rose bush died while Doug was so ill, and I was neglecting most everything. Fortunately, I know where to get more, depending on where I land.

But for today, the hollyhocks, daffodils, Stella d'Oros, Potentilla, and all the daisies are fed and encouraged.

It has been a lovely and restful day. Tomorrow may be busy, first at the desk, then with doc and PT, then on to the fabric store, dropping off the materials for the new guest room drapes to be made, and then a few more hours at the desk. I am going to begin, now that the project is completed, to cut back more on my desk time again. It will take a few days to clear the backlog from project work. I am doing too much, and I am very tired. I was tired all day, after yesterday with our Godsons here, and just supervising. We got a lot done.

I know I a still overdoing it. I am going to get better at this pacing concept. And hire more help with things, too.

May we all learn to rest as much as we need, and honor our bodies and hearts' needs for healing and peace. I must learn this better.

And I am reminding everyone here of honoring this same need.

*<twinkles>*
fae

[mfh]

We had a lovely day here weather wise. Rain tonight but in the high 60s and 70s all week from what I see. I sorted all my CDs today...organized them by categories. Sort of bittersweet as each CD carried memories with it. Also neat to see all I have in quality music as well as other types.

I think the painters will be here in the morning doing the kitchen and bath. I think the painter will be painting until Wed. and they should be gone by Friday.

You do sound busy, fae. Don't make the mistake I keep making by overdoing.

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

I am working on slowing down. At least I am getting better at taking Days off, whole days, just to rest, restore, be away from everyone and let myself relax and be at peace.

I am truly doing my best to learn from all of you here how to live in the Now, allow more than order or control, and enjoy each cloud, blossom, and bird. I have a ways to go.

I am so delighted you have all the music sorted! That task is ahead of me, since we moved things around right after Doug left to reorder the house from all the medical equipment.

I am doing my best not to overdo. I KNOW that is not a good thing. Sometimes, I think we are still in hypervigilant and "do something" mode. I know I used the busy mode to distract myself from Doug's quick descent into complete invalidism. I don't need to do that any more.

Awareness grows slowly, struggling agains patterns of many years, to break through, into the light of Life.

*< twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, so glad you are committed to slowing down. I have struggled with this and take 4 forward and 3 back....I am so used to being in perpetual motion. The caregiving years were 24/7...I was on duty for about 5 years...sleeping with one ear tuned to Bill and in the later part, up in the middle of the night often with his sleep pattern and hallucinations and dreams; then go all day taking care of Bill, publishing, seeing clients, doing the house and dog stuff. You know how it is. Slowing down felt all but impossible and Bill and I led active lives in that we did a lot of fun things and renovation projects as well. So now I am learning to put the brakes on, often way too late. I can create situations (like painting my house) that disallow slowing down also. Live and learn. I could write a book.

Today the painter almost finished the kitchen. He has one more coat on the pantry louvre doors, put the light back up and the switch plates on. Tomorrow he will do that and put the second coat on the bathroom. He is painting the valances at home and Eric (builder) will install them on Friday. She will clean the cabinet doors tomorrow (kitchen) and Thursday treat them with something. Her mom lived here and dad. Dad died several years ago and her mom 5 years ago of Alzheimer's. It was hard for her initially to be here but she and I talked a few times and that helped her, I think.

The painter told me today that he planned to clean the walls of my front porch. It is a small porch that I never use as everyone uses the side door. Somehow mold grew on the brick/stone walls and he offered (no charge) to clean that and caulk something or other out there. He also installed an outside light and fixed my screen door which blew open in a storm ripping the thing that prevents that right off. How do I get angry at someone who does an outstanding job though VERY slowly but then offers to fix all these things for me without my asking. He has repaired a few places on the walls, of course and he does meticulous work. The light is in the tunnel. I am amazed at how tired I am from all of this. For someone who prides herself on knowing myself pretty well...I keep learning more about my responses to situations.

Take care,

mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

How wonderful that you have people painting for you, loving and caring for you, fixing things for you, and with whom you share a history in that house. I think that is just a miraculous gift for all of you, to help heal each other's hearts, and get the house spiffied up in the bargain! Angels all to each other, I'd say.

You could not help but be bordering on exhaustion! I had enough sense to quit the office early today.

And I will share a lovely story: I went to drop off the drapery and lining fabric and a dress that needs a new dress collar. I had a visit with a wonderful woman who is a true seamstress. So delightful!

As I was explaining why I had to redecorate the guest room (because it was Doug's "sick room" when he was using the very noisy machines) we both began crying. She lost her beloved husband 27 years ago, and she said she still misses him, but seldom cries, but my tears brought her tears.

So we shared stories about our husbands, and that was most lovely. She still lives in the home where they raised their family, has added on her sewing studio, has a daughter who owns the quilting shop in another Montana town, and a grandson who placed in the top ten in the state for his sewing project for 4-H. She is just a totally delightful woman. She is 78, walks three miles a day with her two working Border collies, who herd a small flock of sheep for her son who lives nearby. She is spry, spritely, and totally delightful. And filled with a beautiful heart spirit. I feel as though I was given a gift today, in spending time with her. It was a lovely visit.

She also said that the first few years, she did not realize that she was still only in the process of recovering herself, until at about six years she could look back from her "new life" and see how much more energy, hope, clarity, and happiness she had now compared especially to the first year after she lost her husband. After 27 years, she still talks to her husband every day, and he still watches over her. Her whole face lights up when she talks about her husband. Beautiful to see.

Mary, I hope you have a "stay-cation" planned for a few days once the painters are gone and the house is orderly (or even if it is not!) so that you can celebrate, unwind, be within and peaceful, and rest in your own, silent, calm center. I am going to do that beginning Wednesday for several days. I have cleared everything Wednesday until Monday. Except I have a 5 am. prayer circle on Sunday, but that will be joyful.

Back to the dragonflies on the tent fly. I am having fun this evening.

Let us both learn better resting and relaxing habits. It is blustery winds here today, and we have had no rain. The plowed fields are sending huge dust clouds swirling all around, and I have all three air filters running in the closed, but not dust-proof, house. I can smell the dust in the air inside. We have rain and snow on the way, though, and I hope it arrives tonight. the earlier snow all sublimated. I would love to feel some moisture in the air. The daffodils are still in bloom, so we will smile for them.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

How wonderful that you have people painting for you, loving and caring for you, fixing things for you, and with whom you share a history in that house.

After 27 years, she still talks to her husband every day, and he still watches over her. Her whole face lights up when she talks about her husband.

Mary, I hope you have a "stay-cation" planned for a few days once the painters are gone

Let us both learn better resting and relaxing habits.

It has been lovely having previous owners (well, her mom and dad) at a practical level, he knows the house and tells me of its history. And they have a commitment to the house.

Your seamstress friend needed you...so she could weep. It is good for me to hear that it was 6 years before she started to get it together. I put pressure on myself and work on accepting where I am but still feel I "should" be further...whatever that may mean. My heart knows, my head is slow in this regard. I KNOW I will be talking to Bill in 27 years...I assume out there in the field as that puts me at 100...I hope to be long gone by then. But I will be talking to Bill until I day I die and after that...forever.

Painters leave Friday as well I hope as valance installer and the fellow who will put up my art studio bllinds. I will put the house in order on the weekend and then have 3 days before I go to the eye doc in Chicago and stop off to see my friend Cathy who is recovering from ovarian cancer. It will be May 12 before I feel I can really just stop. I do hope you stop for a few days as planned.

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Fae thank you or sharing that encounter. A lovely story. We who have loved so deeply know that we will never stop. . My relationship with Pete will last as long as I live (and I hope after I die) and if I couldn't hope for that I would want annihilation right now.

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

How are you doing these days?

Do you have some special plans for the week?

I know that the day of the first angelversary for Doug, I allowed myself to sit still, acknowledge that Doug was free from his body, that I was going to miss his laughter and hugs, and that in his absence, my love for him has only become stronger. Of course, the necklace arrived that day, making me cry all the more because of the miracle of the timing.

I must go for more tests today. Or at least to talk about more tests. Then I plan to come home, change into my gardening clothes, clean our bench under the big old tree, and maybe clean a couple more flower beds, and feed the little plants with some potting soil. The only good soil here is what Doug and I have added or made from compost over the years: all else is dry, decayed shale with a few cacti scattered under the pines, and little clumps of native grasses. Doug was always enthusiastic about ordering more loads of top soil! I can see tiny buds of leaves on one of the apple trees, though.

I often put out pottery pieces that come back from galleries: a few of my girlfriends come by a couple times a year to scrounge any misfired pieces or any that are returned from shows that I do not want. Sometimes one or two pieces from a series will not sell during the six months, so I donate to other gardens from my returns and misfires.

Feeling the need to natter, I am going over to post a natter on the transformations thread, so as not to clutter up these other places too much...

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, are these possible tests for your spine?

I have a small group of high school kids (not sure of number-maybe 4) coming on Saturday morning to clean up my flower beds and dissemble a stone barbeque that I fenced out when we fenced in the yard for Bentley. It is just outside the fence in the arbor vitae. It appears to be falling apart so I will have the kids pull out as many of the stones (same stones as house) and toss them over the fence into my yard to be used as borders to current or future flower bed. The stones average about 12x8x8 ish. The kids are raising money for their trip to Africa this summer where they will build a school. They work for donations and the amount is up to me...I do well by them. Last fall they cleaned up for the winter and worked hard and carefully. Works all the way around.

[kayc]

Mary, it sounds like it's coming along nicely, and I like how they're taking care of you, even though not always to your timetable...it's getting done. Soon it will be done!

[kayc]

fae,

I want to see a picture of this dragonfly tent when you are done! What do you use it for?

[mfh]

Kay, The painting is done. He will caulk a few spots, finish cleaning my porch, put up the kitchen light cover, kitchen cabinets clean/treat...and that is it. Done by Friday. Not sure if I will put some of the art back where it was yet....have to get all else in first and I found a 12 foot x 2.5 foot Navahoe rug that I had in one of my clinic offices. It matches the living room PERFECTLY (has a series of yei -spirits- so I have to decide about that as it means finding a place for two large pieces of art that I LOVE and it would change the energy in the living room/dining room areas but perhaps in a lovely way. First comes the clean up and ORDER which I will start now. Friday the valances go on and hopefully the honeycombs in my studio this week.

I have learned that I find it incredibly difficult to concentrate these days. I came home from the nursery having totally forgotten 3 other stops...I am scattered like popcorn (someone removed the lid and it is all over the place). I can not focus on much of anything and the warm weather is drawing me outside but the mess is INside

It is 82 here today...I just ordered a Japanese King Maple (Bill's favorite maple tree) and a white pine for the back yard. I go to a nursery 40 miles away so it was a nice ride on a lovely day but as I approached the tears gushed as the last time I was there, Bill was with me and they, of course, loved Bill. When I got there I sobbed in her arms (they became sort of friends). She is now a caregiver for her husband who had a stroke and she runs the nursery herself. We talked long. Reminds me of how others are on journeys also.

[mfh]

fae,

I want to see a picture of this dragonfly tent when you are done! What do you use it for?

fae, me too!!!

[kayc]

My positive is that I didn't get hurt in the accident that I had on the way to work. I got rear-ended by a Land Rover who got struck by a Toyota PU. I was stopping for traffic ahead that was stopping on the Hwy for some unknown reason and looked in my rear view mirror and saw the LR fishtailing, I thought, "Oh oh, he's going to hit me." The the truck hit him and he in turn hit me. But no one was hurt and it took 2 hrs 45 min. out of my work time to wait on the cop and go to the DMV to fill out reports. Ugh. Now to deal with insurance adjusters...

[mfh]

I just posted elsewhere asking if you were ok and sharing that I was the first of 3 cars sitting in traffic and got rear ended right after Bill died...be sure your neck is ok. I was told not to sign off on anything for a few months to make sure there are no repercussions...glad I did as it took a few appointments with DC to get me ok again. So so glad you are ok and yes, the insurance adjusters can be tricky. I am sorry your string of bad luck keeps going but the good news is...you are ok.

Mary

[MartyT]

Oh Kay ~ not again! I am so sorry to learn of your auto accident ~ but very relieved to know that you were not injured. How awful for you. And here you are, looking on the bright side, posting about it in the Positives thread. You are beyond amazing. I am so grateful that you are okay. ♥

[enna]

Following on FB Kay and so glad that no one was hurt! Enough already.... Anne

[kayc]

Thanks you guys, I asked them if they were hurt and they both said no. My impact wasn't that hard hitting, just did damage to my poor little car, I'm thinking of putting a bandaid on it tonight. The impact was to my rear passenger side so as far away from me as could get. I'll have to have my wheel alignment looked at now.

Been dealing with police/DMV reports, insurance people, etc. all day. Adjusters haven't contacted me yet.

Mary, I can't imagine going through this right after your husband died, not able to handle any thing at that point! Poor lady!

What's a DC?

[mfh]

Kay, anytime you go through any accident it is tough. Thanks for your comment...I think I was so much in a fog that I just went through motions to get it all done. I do remember as I stood in the street that day, a woman stopping to ask if I needed anything...she said, "I am a clinical social worker and happy to pull over and be with you." She knew nothing about me and at that point I was not crying. Then another car stopped and a man asked if we (now the second driver was there with me as we waited for police) needed anything. He said, "I am a psychologist and happy to stay with you both." I do remember that much but most of it is lost to fog.

I am so very sorry you have yet another thing to deal with. Knowing you, you are and will continue to roll with it with a positive attitude...but I still wish you did not have to do so. I think putting bandages on your car is a great idea. May the paperwork and repairs go smoothly for you.

Mary

[mfh]

I know in the grand scheme of things that having my house done matters not but the guy who built my valances is here with his sidekick installing them, so I asked him if they had time to hang my honeycombs in my art studio. And I am VERY excited that they will do that...so by noon today...all will be done in this house and I can put the house back together in ALL rooms. Carpet cleaning and window washing is next but I will wait until later in May due to the weather here....rain rain rain rain. And those are two hour jobs each by someone else. Chaos quietly recedes into a corner...hopefully to stay there for a long long time.

[feralfae]

Dear Mary

I wanted to celebrate the return of some order to your home, and congratulate you on making it through this entire process without losing it.

Hurray!

I also wanted to say what a lovely gift you are to me, personally, with your open heart, your sharing spirit, and your ability to lean into life each day. You are a wonderful point of light, and a beacon of hope, in these days when so many of us are walking through memories and grief. You bring hope and action, the living of the days, and the celebration of love, into my life, and I so appreciate all the opening of doors to the possibilities of a life being redesigned and restored.

Thank you.

fae

[MartyT]

Amen, dear Fae.

Mary, my dear, I hereby grant you permission to consider this as a major positive ~ and I'm so happy for you that this chapter in your life is behind you now! ♥

[mfh]

fae, thank you. First, I did lose it one day...I burst into tears WITH the painter's wife who was the prep part of the team i.e. putting up the taped paper and all the plastic to protect the other surfaces. But so what, eh? I actually think they are done now because of that mini-melt down. Thank you for the humbling compliment. I am so glad if anything I say or who I am can assist anyone on this journey through grief. It is extremely important to me to assist others through this trek and it adds some meaning to my life...and that is about all I am seeking..meaning.

Dear dear Marty, I hereby accept your permission to consider this a major positive. I will happily spend the bulk of this weekend put my art studio and Bill's office/guest room in order and tonight attending Taste of Spring Green if it stops raining here. Thank you for knowing the impact of this right now. Yes, another chapter closed.

[enna]

What a joyous reason to celebrate and be positive, dear Mary. And to receive 'permission' from our 'Tribual Leader' is such a huge honor. Hopefully, we shall all reach that point in our journeys where more of us will be alble to see the positives in life's happenings as you and Kay do.

Thinking about you as you slowly put your home back together.

I think being alive and seeing growth coming out from the ground no matter how slowly is one positive all of us share. Happy Spring in Spring Green and everywhere. Anne