Queeniemary Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Marty...got it...thanks. I love "the royal one". lol There are so many here that have helped me, but probably the one I think of the most often, maybe partly because she was here when I arrived, and she has been on this journey longer than most of us is Kay. She faces such adversity, day after day, one thing after another, yet stays positive, and always has helpful things to impart to others. I truly admire her, and hope someday to meet her, as I wish I could meet many on this site. Other Mary is someone that I really feel connected to, as she said, maybe because we lost our loves around the same time. However, I feel it is more than that, there are just some people that you know right away are kindred spirits. Most of you have become part of my family, and although I may not post every day, I read almost every day. There are some who were here when I first arrived, who have vanished, for one reason or another. I personally think I will be coming here forever, even as my life continues, I will always connect a part of my Mike with this wonderful group of people who understand like almost no others, what his loss has done to me. I am not the Mary from before he died, and most people don't get that. All my friends here get it! My positive today....getting a manicure (getting ready for the class reunion) and going to pick out tile for my floor after my Silver Sneakers class. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Mary-the other one (I guess that title has just stuck) I also feel we are kindred spirits...and I think it has more to do than just sharing a common length of time...yes, it just is and I like it and would miss you if you disappeared. I think you and I and others shall grow old together here...real old and I will still be glad you are here. Enjoy that manicure and the silver sneakers class. Mary, yes...the other one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Chris, I have a routine in the morning after I feed my Bentley (Golden), get coffee, and realize I am upright...I meditate (which some day you may wish to do as it helps), and then check email and Facebook. Then into the day. Today, I found this quote and thought you might like it. This author is excellent which also reminded me to suggest that you go to www.griefhealing.com . That is Marty's (our moderator's) site and it has an endless amount of relevant and solid information for you. Here is the quote: Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief Devastation. You may feel that your life has been uprooted, destroyed, demolished. You may wonder how to ever pick up the pieces and lift your head. Know that there is a resilient spirit that weaves itself in human nature. This spirit is part of you at your cellular level. Let yourself be where you are today and know that you will get through one minute at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Yes Mary, I think we will grow old on this site together....or older, as you said! I have probably explained this in previous posts, but for new people, I want you to know I did not just name myself Queenie. Many years ago Mike and I and my youngest son Chris were in a production of Show Boat. My character was named Queenie, and that has just kind of stuck. My friends call me the Queen, or Queenie or Queeniemary, my kids call me Queeniemama. (Grandkids just call me Granny Mary) Mike used to call me Queenie. I don't think the original Queenie was royal, she had been a slave..... Attached below is a sign that sits in my window, my daughter bought it for me a couple of months ago for a joke. If I can find the picture of Mike, Chris and myself in character for Show Boat, I will post it later. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Well, now I will just have to switch from "the other Mary" to Queen Mary...I had forgotten that story. Showboat (with Howard Keel-the movie) was one of my favorites as a youth. And since Queenie was a slave, in my mind, that makes her even more royal. I will check in later to see the pic you post. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Mary has no clue about her depth of beauty - that to me is true humility. By 'trance' I meant that what she has to say always places me in a reflective mode of meditation. I think I am really past the 'one minute' meditation but I still can't 'be still' more than ten - I am still using guided meditation but I'm learning. Anne, I am speechless and humbled and can not possibly see how I deserve that compliment. I am grateful that anything I say or am helps you and I so admire your risktaking and how you lift me with your gifts. Thank you, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted May 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Dear friends, I went in to take a nap about 4 p.m. yesterday. Eighteen hours late I managed to get out of bed. Other than a backache--which happens if I stay in bed too long--I am amazed y what a good rest has done for my spirits. I'm still not at 100 percent, but I feel more at peace than I have in a long time. My body feels rested for the first time in many years. I'd like to put my mind in neutral for another few days, but I have a major fundraiser next weekend to prepare for and Relay is less than 30 days off now. And my mind says that's fine--that the last couple of days were what it needed. Now Queenie, let me tell you about the value of theater: i don't know where I would be without the plays I've been to in the last 18 months. Theater is about catharsis--or so my drama teacher used to tell me. And it has seemed to me that our resident repertory company planned their last two seasons entirely with me in mind. They've helped me laugh when I thought I had forgotten how; helped me understand my tears; and told me it was ok that I still have not unpacked the clothes Jane took to the hospital with her. Don't you ever dare say community theater is not important. Just as we never know what burdens others are carrying, we don't know who our performances are helping that we never know they helped. And Kay, the other Mary has already said what you need to hear. Your story is absolutely the most inspiring thing I have seen. Life keeps trying to drown you but you keep getting back up and moving forward. You remind me so much of Jane sometimes it makes my head spin. I've said this before, as have many others of you: this place does not work as well as it does without everyone's two-cents worth. Some folks post every day, some don't. Some write long posts, some write short posts, some write in-between posts. But every post brings something new and valuable to the table. We all care about each other and we are all pulling for each other. And it isn't just that we are all in this boat of grief together--it is that we become, over time, a community of souls. With the idea of real community dying all around us, we all still believe in that unique ideal of community. At some point this stops being a grief group and becomes a group of friends talking about their dogs, plays, trips to the post office and drives over the mountains. Grief and loss may have brought us together but life is what keeps us coming back. I don't know of anywhere else I encounter so many people busy really living their lives than I do here. That strikes me as incredibly ironic, considering it is death that brought us all together in the first place. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Mary has no clue about her depth of beauty - that to me is true humility. By 'trance' I meant that what she has to say always places me in a reflective mode of meditation. I think I am really past the 'one minute' meditation but I still can't 'be still' more than ten - I am still using guided meditation but I'm learning. " Got it? Good. ♥" The above quote is directed to our Kay and Mary (the royal one!) - no one other than Marty can talk to any of us like that! This is why this forum works. Marty, you can spend time in The Valley (AZ) visiting with me and Benji anytime there is humidity in MI. Oh, I thought by "trance" you meant she was good at leading you in meditation with one of her links! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 I've said this before, as have many others of you: this place does not work as well as it does without everyone's two-cents worth. Some folks post every day, some don't. Some write long posts, some write short posts, some write in-between posts. But every post brings something new and valuable to the table. We all care about each other and we are all pulling for each other. And it isn't just that we are all in this boat of grief together--it is that we become, over time, a community of souls. With the idea of real community dying all around us, we all still believe in that unique ideal of community. At some point this stops being a grief group and becomes a group of friends talking about their dogs, plays, trips to the post office and drives over the mountains. Grief and loss may have brought us together but life is what keeps us coming back. I don't know of anywhere else I encounter so many people busy really living their lives than I do here. That strikes me as incredibly ironic, considering it is death that brought us all together in the first place. Harry, your posts are always so enlightening to me. I am first, so so glad you got great sleep...maybe I am even relieved on your behalf that you got some good rest. I have yet to reach a place where I can say my body feels totally rested but now that I am honoring it more...there is a light in the tunnel. I totally agree with your statement to Queen Mary that theatre matters so very much. I live in a village where actors are everywhere because of the American Players Theatre and our community theatre and our studio school (K-4). They provide us with something we can find nowhere else and people come from all over the country to witness and experience it. I would say that matters a lot in being human. I agree Harry this is a community here and sometimes I say I will sit back for a while and then realize I miss the people and the understanding each of us has of where the other is and where the other has been and that counts for more than words can say. It is just plain invaluable. I don't think we will, however, ever stop being a grief group because we who are here now will always grieve and triggers that we share will always be a part of our identity, I believe. We are always welcoming and embracing new members who become a part of those of us who are here and we all reach out to each other's grief as one. I certainly do see us sharing dogs, gardens, theatre, weather, life and more....so perhaps we are a grief/life group...whatever. We ARE community and I cherish this place. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Mary The Royal One (I love that!), I love your avitar, ha! And I so admire you because you go out and DO things! You get involved with theater, and silvr sneakers?? When I was office manager for a mill and wood brokers' firm (among others), one of our top salesmen, Mike, used to call me Queenie. One day I bought a rubber stamp that said "The Queen Has Spoken" on it and had a Mary Engelbreit image...I used it to sign interoffice communications to him. At some point this stops being a grief group and becomes a group of friends talking about their dogs, plays, trips to the post office and drives over the mountains. Grief and loss may have brought us together but life is what keeps us coming back. I don't know of anywhere else I encounter so many people busy really living their lives than I do here. That strikes me as incredibly ironic, considering it is death that brought us all together in the first place. I, too, think I will grow old here. Unless you guys kick me off. But I don't think we have an expiration date, so that being said, this is a group that I am comfortable with because they truly "get it" and it's a safe place. I think you guys know me at least as well as my family and friends, maybe better sometimes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Kay, I wouldn't sweat getting kicked off....no chance of that!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Harry, so happy you got a good rest, that is pretty important. I would not be able to walk if I was that long in bed! I do love theatre, I have been doing community theatre since 1977, and have loved every minute. I have now reached the point where I would rather direct than act, but over the years I have probably been in over 50 to 60 productions. My children have all grown up with me on stage, and only my youngest son ever indicated the slightest interest in acting, and that was brief. Theatre brought me Mike. I met Mike at an audition (I was assistand director) and it was the best thing, besides my children, that ever happened to me. We clicked right away, and were together from then on. Miss him every day, every way. Kay I think that is pretty funny that a salesman called Mike used to call you Queenie.....life is just strange, isn't it? I know we all have our own special talents, and ways that we impact life and others around us. So grateful for each of you in our community grief/life family. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Yes I too feel this is a true community. I feel I know you all like family. I feel I can share my feelings, let you know if something good happens (when was that?) reach out for empathy and comfort. I can't express too strongly how much it has helped me. And the wisdom is incredible. I love the way that when a new person arrives people respond so warmly. If that had not happened to me I'd have just posted once and gone away. But it didnt. I just felt warmth, love, fellow feeling, immediately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 I know, Mary (Queenie), huh! It's a small world, for sure. Jan, yes, it is a true community. We're like a family. Harry, I'm so glad you got some much needed sleep! It does work wonders! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Well, I have had close to two weeks of really laying low and feeling in charge of doing ONLY what I WANT to and feel good about doing AND I have done little. No buzzing about like a busy bee and I feel calm as a result though always tired. Today has been a test that I am winning so far. The day got away from me as a friend sort of used my house on and off all day as her car was being repaired in town and she lives way out of town. So she was in and out all day going to grief counseling (she is dealing with loss), seeing the bank, etc. but here in between. Another friend came and chatted about her husband with Alzheimer's for about an hour or more and then a friend was Dx yesterday with Psoriatic Arthritis...a good friend and it is serious and she wants to start meditating as part of her program so I made a bunch of CDs for her, took them over and talked about meditation with her. WAY too much today. It creeps up on me. So now it is almost 6pm and I am supposed to go to a birthday party in 15 minutes and with great push-pull I have opted NOT to go and this is a tough one for me. Really tough...not because I like parties...I enjoy very few parties...but not this one but because of the fear that creeps in and says, "Mary, if you do not go to this party, they will never invite you to ANYthing again and neither will ANYone ever." How neurotic can I get? They probably won't even miss me or care. And so what if they do. I KNOW that. Duh! I NEVER worried about connections or being a part of anything until Bill died. It never occurred to me to think about it. So I need to come to terms with this fear but not tonight. Too tired. So folks, those of you who remind me to listen to my voice and avoid "too much doing and going" and things that cause fatigue when I am already exhausted and "shoulds"...I think I deserve at least 1000 points for staying home tonight, making myself a salad and delivering the gift some other day. I can then explain and I know this friend will get it. Points, please!!!!!!! Accolades welcome!!! Thank you, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Mary, I guess I don't have the "shoulds" disorder. I would only go someplace if I really wanted to or if someone really needed me. And to think I used to be co-dependent, ha! You need never worry about anyone stopping inviting you...people love you and WANT to be around you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Thank you, Kay. I have always dealt with high expectations of myself. But this is fear based stuff that is tied to being so alone...no family around and the two sibs I have I can not talk to. I have a ton of friends and I know I am well loved and respected here, for sure...so this is just fear that is what i call reality based paranoia. But I am winning this one. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted May 24, 2013 Report Share Posted May 24, 2013 Well Mary ~ I, for one, am giving you a standing ovation Hip, hip hooray and good for you for staying home tonight! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 24, 2013 Report Share Posted May 24, 2013 Thank you, Marty! I accept your standing ovation I truly do not know how I could have gone and been coherent I am so tired but the old me would clearly have shown up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted May 24, 2013 Report Share Posted May 24, 2013 Mary 1000 points to you my friend....you made the right call!! Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted May 24, 2013 Report Share Posted May 24, 2013 Had a full day today, bought a new dishwasher to replace old one, looked at tile, and made an appointment for next week to discuss floor and get estimate. Went to Wal-Mart (ugh), then to flower shop, bought flowers and took to cemetary for Mom and Dad's grave, and my son Kevins. Many other errands.........I am tired also, other Mary.....tomorrow and Sat. are big days, 2 days of our 50th class reunion, Friday night, a meet and greet, and Sat. noon picnic, and Sat. night a banquet......going to hit the hay! (Arkansas slang) Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 24, 2013 Report Share Posted May 24, 2013 Had a full day today, bought a new dishwasher to replace old one, looked at tile, and made an appointment for next week to discuss floor and get estimate. Went to Wal-Mart (ugh), then to flower shop, bought flowers and took to cemetary for Mom and Dad's grave, and my son Kevins. Many other errands.........I am tired also, other Mary.....tomorrow and Sat. are big days, 2 days of our 50th class reunion, Friday night, a meet and greet, and Sat. noon picnic, and Sat. night a banquet......going to hit the hay! (Arkansas slang) Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Oh, Mary...that sounds totally exhausting. I hope when this weekend is over, that you can get some down time and rest. I got tired reading that. But also have fun at the reunion. I will visit Bill's grave on Saturday and take some flowers up. I say up because it is on a hill outside town overlooking our wonderful countryside. This must be the season for dishwashers. You know I was forced to get a new one following the puddle problem. Yesterday my friend Mary Ann had to get one and today you. Or maybe if your name is Mary you need a new dishwasher. Anyway, enjoy the weekend and on Sunday and Monday put your feet up....and do nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 24, 2013 Report Share Posted May 24, 2013 Mary 1000 points to you my friend....you made the right call!! Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas I thank thee...once I got past 6pm and the decision, I was good. And so glad I stayed home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 24, 2013 Report Share Posted May 24, 2013 Mary, so glad you listened to your inner self and your own needs and stayed home! Hear me clapping with Marty's standing ovation! The Royal One, you had a very productive day, you must have felt tired, but tired in a good way. I hope it's only Marys that need new dishwashers this year. And new tile, what a difference that will make! The last flooring I picked out was for the bathroom, George put it in. We were going to put in floating wood flooring in the rest of the house but...he died instead. It's way too daunting for me to do by myself and I can't afford to hire someone so I put it off. I know, when I get ready to sell this house, I'll do all the stuff to it that it needs and then I'll have a harder time letting it go! Isn't that how it goes?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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