Looking For The Positives

[enna]

I am so happy your news is better. It breaks my heart that you are treated like dirt. You DO deserve better.

[mfh]

Woke up in tears again from nightmare #3 in a row. Busy nights. I am sure these are the result of my solitude and not running around any more. And it is fine...insightful for sure...but it takes a lot of effort to get out of the dreams when I waken so when an email arrived early from an acquaintance, i.e. someone I have never spent much time with but who I know fairly well asked me if I wanted to ride along to get horse feed with her I said yes. She knows I am looking for a clock repair person to repair the grandfather clock Bill made and which got damaged (rod broken) in the last move. I want to get it going in his honor...its voice is a part of Bill -he designed the unique sound board. The clock repair man, it turned out, is an Amish man whose shop she passes on the way to the feed mill and whose shop is filled with antique clocks. Bill would have been in his glory. Jonah, the clock repair man, wants to see Bill's clocks so offered to come to the house and to save money I offered to pick him up later in the month and bring him home (as he only has a horse). Bill has an antique clock collection and at one point when Jonah sounded one of his own for us, tears fell down my face. He was as excited about the sound as Bill would get about his clocks. Erika got it for which I was grateful. It was a bittersweet experience because I knew how much Bill would loved to have spent time with Jonah. Then he invited us into the house to see the clocks in there. Erika went on to get horse feed at Jonah's son's feed mill while I ended up spending time with Jonah and his lovely wife in their electricity free home which was filled with more clocks and where she was baking 8 loaves of bread in a wood burning oven. It was lovely and painful. She sent me home with an arm load of rhubarb that I watched her cut. When we got back to Erika's horses, we interacted with them. I love Nelson for some reason. I think it is his personality-like a dog, he craves attention... and I met him when he was just 2 and now he is 9. The other horses sort of ignored us but not Nelson. He had to have his face right there and followed me around... even as Erika works so hard to teach him manners. His original owners thought it was cute when he was little and did not honor personal space and now at 1200 pounds...it is a lot of horse to have in your face. But wonderful. I liked it. See attached. Not a great shot and I see how gray my hair is getting... but Erika took it when I was not really paying attention. I was busy looking at Nelson's eye...just amazing.

It broke up the day and I have been alone soooo much that I needed to get out and this was a good "out". I realize now that I have seriously stopped racing about these days how much running around I have been doing since Bill died especially. When I worked residential we had kids that ran away, ran from and ran around. The most lost were the ones that ran around. Guess which one I have been? I leave very early Monday morning for the death ed conference. The kennel will let me drop Mr. B off before they open so I did not have to kennel him today by noon during their regular hours. Every day in this life of "being" I am slowly and deliberately creating, I see more of me and see how chaotic and scattered and noisy I have been....I do not recognize the person I was taking care of Bill and in the three years since, I do not recognize a lot of the person I see in the mirror. All part of the journey for me, I guess. Feels crazy, frankly. But I certainly look forward to settling in someday soon and being the me that I know and love and respect...the quiet one. Onward...to walk Bentley now before it rains again. Mary with peace.

[MartyT]

Oh, Mary ~ I think the photo of you and Nelson is absolutely beautiful! Two kindred spirits just being, and in communion with each other ~ I love it. I can see it in your eyes ~ and in Nelson's eye as well. That picture is a treasure! ♥

[mfh]

Thanks, Marty. Nelson and I have a connection. It just happened...the best kind, of course. I was running my hand on his face. I think every person and animal with whom I have had deep connections...just happened. Some stand out, of course. No working at it. I like that best, of course and it was true of Bill and me. Nelson followed me all over the yard today and kept nudging me with his nose. It was thrilling. I am welcome there anytime and will stop out again soon. Something I have wanted to do while I was busy doing things I did NOT want to do.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Our yard and Craft Sale for Relay For Life went well. We totaled about $800 for our team. Looking forward to a couple of days off. I am meeting my oldest friend and his wife and my second oldest friend for dinner tomorrow night. Gary now lives in British Columbia and we see each other only rarely. It is always a good time when the three of us get together.

Jane loved horses. One of our goals for after we retired was to learn to ride. I cannot tell you how jealous I am of you Mary.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Harry, the next time you get to the midwest, I will take you out to meet Nelson. If all goes well I will be in your area in September...in Rockport at my niece's wedding. I say if all goes well because it all depends on how my eye surgeries go. I will think of you as I fly over your state and watch that plane come zipping in over the water to Logan. I have been there more times than I can count but not since Bill died so this will be a challenge...to return to the beaches we walked so often and to attend a wedding of a niece I held in my arms when she was hours old...and to do it without Bill. The last trip we took there was for my older niece's wedding and he was becoming symptomatic then. So it is all bittersweet but isn't that life? It all feels surreal.

Rest up and enjoy your friends.

Mary

[HAP]

Our local paper ran this article on Walking with Jane this morning. It made me cry.

Harry

http://www.heraldnews.com/newsnow/x1570567786/Walking-with-Jane-raises-funds-for-neuroendocrine-cancer#axzz2VAyCVYla

[kayc]

Oh Harry,

What a great article, you should be proud of all you have accomplished! It's nice to put a face to your name too! And I understand your tears...

[MartyT]

A beautiful article about a truly beautiful man, Harry ~ Thank you so much for sharing it with all of us ♥

[feralfae]

Thank you, Harry, and congratulations on the publicity for your wonderful cause.

Wonderful work, and you deserve lots of kudos for all you do.

We are all so proud of you.

fae

[HAP]

Great time with my two oldest friends tonight. Good dinner, good conversation. A night when i did not spend time thinking about cancer very much.

Peace,

Harry

[Wifflesnook]

I've been asked to join a local walking group (only three women in it so far!) and it meets every Tuesday. I'm going to join because I think company is good for me, even though when Pete was with me I wouldn't have considered it. I used to be parish clerk and every activity that took me away from him was unwelcome to us both but things are sadly so different now. This can join to my activity on Wednesdays when I go along to a church lunch and meet a few friends. Doing any of these things feels like dripping tiny drops of water into a lake-sized empty hole. The tiny drops being anything I do to try to compensate for my lack of Pete. Awful metaphor but ....

Anyway our daughter would be delighted with me. Pete would (is?) pleased I am trying. So I'm posting it in positives, because it is, and I am trying very hard. My course via Coursera on Science Fiction and Fantasy has just begun. We have to begin by reading Grimms Fairy Tales. I think it will be interesting. Sooo I am doing my best.

Harry, that article is wonderful. You are doing such a good job in the face of devastating loss. Your love for Jane shines out from everying you do.

[kayc]

Jan,

Good for you, it's things like this that help us venture back into the land of the living. Every step is a concerted effort but it all helps us get there.

[enna]

Harry, a wonderful article about your Jane. What hard work you have done over this time. Thank you for bringing this to our family on the forum. Keep walking!

And Jan, I know how hard it is for you to go out and about - way to go girl! You should be proud of every little thing you do.

Anne

[kayc]

I just have to say, my positive last night was making it home safely. I had the closest call I've ever had to dying on the way home. It's weird how your life flashes before your eyes in one instant (some idiot passed me going 90 mph on a blind curve and a semi came around the corner head on, I had to brake hard to let the idiot in and the semi swerved to avoid him, but there was NO extra room, it was a miss by an inch, I swear). My adrenaline was running most of the night!

The uppermost thought on my mind as this was happening was Arlie. I know the cats will be okay, it'd be easy to find someone to adopt them, but Arlie...not so. I'm the only taker. Poor Arlie! My son adores him but not his wife. I just have to stay alive to take care of him the rest of his life!

[Wifflesnook]

oh Kay thank goodness you were so quick with your reactions. And think how precious you are to us! Jan

[Queeniemary]

Harry, what a wonderful article, and how very fortunate Jane was to have you. Glad you got some rest with friends for a bit. Kay, oh my goodness, so glad you had such quick reflexes!! So grateful you were not hurt!!

Still working on getting floors done, now find that because my sub floor is particle board, rather than plywood, they cannot put tile down. Going to look at the floating floor today, there are several that look and feel like ceramic....they say. grrrrrrrrrrr.

Guess that is my positive. Little bit of a hard day for me, 41 years ago today my youngest son, Kevin, died at age 4 months. Little hard for me to get motivated by anything today.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

Mary, big hugs for you, I know that is something you will never forget. There is a beautiful post in loss of child section today, you might want to read it.

Particle board for subflooring? Floating floors are nice and may be easier on the joints, I hope you find one you like! A few years ago, we discovered bees going in to the door on the house where the hot water tank is. My son opened the door to kill the bees and lo and behold he discovered the tank had been leaking onto a particle board floor that was water soluble and was of no earthly good anymore! The tank was holding on by a tiny screw that they had put in for when it was moved (it's a mobile home), ready to drop down through the worthless floor at any given moment! My son took the tank out, replaced the rotten flooring with double thickness board that was NOT water soluble, put in a new tank, and saved the day!

You have to wonder what builders are thinking sometimes.

[MartyT]

Kay, my dear, I just read your account of your close encounter with the semi truck last night, and I am breathing a prayer of thanksgiving that you're all right. It's no wonder your adrenaline was pumping! Your guardian angels were watching over you for sure. We're ALL so grateful that you're still here with us, dear Kay. Whatever would we do without you?! ♥

And thank you for referring Mary (the royal one) to the post in our Loss of a Child forum ~ I was about to do that, but you've beat me to it.

Mary, dear, know that you are in our thoughts today, as we join you in remembering and honoring your precious Kevin on his 41st birthday. ♥

[HAP]

Mary, I will hold you in my thoughts today, especially. Kay, clearly the people upstairs are looking out for you. And I really wonder about builders regularly.

Not having a great day myself--but at least the lawn is mowed and the deck is back together--I use the umbrellas and grill each year for the yard sale. And i now know where my groundhog is living. His days are now numbered--heh, heh, heh.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

I don't know, Harry, that sounds like a devious chortle! What exactly do you have planned for the groundhog? This is fodder for a movie, you know...

[mfh]

Dear friends,

It is about 4:30pm here and I have been home for a while...pretty weary...my M.O. for a long time now. The conference was very good...parts of it excellent. The people are outstanding... very welcoming and friendly and hug a lot. After the memorial service a gal I met last year and I were in line in the rest room and I asked her how she was doing..something felt wrong. She just turned around and sobbed in my arms...I mean sobbed. Hearing her daughter's name read at the memorial service just was too much for her...it is so new also. I was so glad I was there for her. But the reason I am telling you this is to give you a sense of the other people there. There was traffic going and coming in the small rest room and we were standing in the middle of the space....sort of blocking the space. People (all women in this instance as it was a women's restroom but this would have been just as true of the men) passed us and just touched her arm or shoulder or mine knowing not to interrupt or do more but wanting to reach out. I do not know if she even knew it was happening. She is from WI so we will meet again. Another friend I met several months before last year's conference, a grief counselor on leave, and I sat together for almost all the workshops...she has lost a son and a daughter. The gathering is one of wounded healers.

Bentley was a wild man when I got home...at the desk as I paid the bill he was just dancing around the reception area and at home he was nutso...he is now just starting to settle in. But I know it is not over...as soon as I close the lid of my laptop he will get nutso again. It feels so good because coming home after being gone is always difficult but after 3 days it is extremely difficult...I want so to sit and share with Bill and see his face light up when he sees me. When we were first married I was still seeing clients in Chicago 3 hours away for several months and would drive home pretty late. We had one car then. One night as I turned a corner in one of the several small towns I went through to get to Galena, IL, there he sat perched on his motorcycle waving me down...he just could not wait for me to drive the last hour or so and rode out to meet me. He brought my helmet with him so I could drive the car in it as we had speakers/ear pieces built into them and we could talk back and forth between his bike and my car as we headed home. He then did this every week after that but was always in a different village at a different perch. So I never knew where he would pop up. Coming home today was NOT like that.

I will now go read many many posts and respond as best as I can to catch up. The memorial service was moving...the two minister/counselors who read the names do it deliberately and slowly....and it is very moving as people also put a short phrase or sentence with the names. Tears fall...and EVERYone gets it...very safe place. I had a long list in my pocket and though I did not feel it appropriate to add them to the list of attendee losses that were read, I read it to myself during the memorial...your names, the names of your loved ones that you lost including pets (alive and dead) and including those I could remember that you lost a long time ago or a while back.

Peace to your hearts,

Mary

now to read posts....

[MartyT]

Welcome home, dear Mary ♥

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

You are such a kind and good soul. The world needs more of you.

Kay, after I wrote that I had a flashback to Caddy Shack and Bill Murray's war with the gopher. Unfortunately, I will have to do something drastic. It is illegal to trap and relocate the varmint, so my options are pretty limited. But if I do nothing he will eat everything and I will have a hungry summer and fall when it comes to fresh vegetables and flowers. He has already devoured the pea patch and started in on the broccoli and brussels sprouts.

Taking it easy after mowing today. My mind and body have essentially quit on me. I have no ambition--and a thousand things to do. It will all just have to keep until tomorrow.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

I've heard juicy fruit gum works on moles, you have to get it down into their tunnel though. The USFS used it. I don't know if it'd work on your critter or not. Yes, seems I remember that movie too, it was hilarious!

Mary, what a sweet recollection of Bill you shared, I love that! That's the kind of love we shared as well. So glad to hear Bentley gave you a warm welcome. Arlie did the same thing with me last night (could he have know what a close call I had, that I was so upset?), he had to get my attention and make me stop and listen to him, he had quite a story to tell me!