Looking For The Positives

[enna]

I am so glad that you are listening to your inner self, Mary. I know you'll do what is best for both you and Bentley. Good for you.

I am glad that you are home and safe. Keep us posted about your severe weather. Anne

[MartyT]

Stay safe, dear Mary ~ and Bentley, too ♥

[mfh]

Thanks, Marty. It was a bit tense today....I drove in a tornado warning a few years ago not knowing I was in a warning area and a tornado crossed the road about a block in front of me. I returned the next day and saw the flattened grass. It is raining hard now but calm. We are safe.

Mary with gratitude.

[feralfae]

Dearest Mary,

Please move. I am kidding, but at least you are in your own dear home and safe. Goodness! Yet, there is comfort just to be at one's own hearth, I am learning here.

I have built a fire in this lovely home that will be mine for ten days, during which time I will be mostly meditating. I am just so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by the women and men here. I am truly in a healing sanctuary. Now I have flowers, greens, roses, and violets to water, and a small garden to tend. I have a birch fire going in the small stove. It will drop to about 40 tonight, maybe lower. The little stove is a cheery sight and feel.

I truly am just about out of the PTSD from the ruffians, so much so that I do feel very safe where I am, surrounded on all sides by people who love me and are members of our tribe up here.

Climbers. Adventurers. Scientists. A very good tribe. I go to my first social function Friday evening: a barbecue for SSK's fiance and his son, with the meat being cooked outside because SSK is a very strict vegetarian and Sikh. My small home place is loaning the BBQ grill. This home is the keeper of the BBQ grill, as another neighbor keeps the road plow for the community to use. It is not uncommon here for several neighbors to pool funds to purchase lovely equipment, from Kleppers to wood splitters. Quite a nice expression of voluntary cooperation. Good tribe. Most live very simple lives up here, driving old Subarus. Few Lexus (Lexi?) to be seen, mostly amongst the doctor's wives.

The mosquitoes are getting larger every day, feasting on Japanese and Euro tourists, and all the "outside" people. We laugh about dressing like "true Alaskans" for the tourists amusement. Thus the fur vests, crazy hats, characters of great colour. Underneath to outlandish costumes, many are veterans of K2 and Everest, Denali and Aconcagua. Many hold impressive bragging rights of exploits that took place between Earth and Heaven. There are, in a nutshell, almost as many crusty, dusty, rusty climbers living here as one will find living in Kathmandu.

Turns out Shasha's doggie daddy is a climber who knew, but did not climb with, Doug. See how small this circle is? And he is next door if I need him.

Fortunately, heart-warmingly, I am now faced with people asking me if I must really, truly, go back "outside" to wrap up things. Yes, I must at least go back to wind up affairs and finish packing. But this is home. I can feel it in my bones. And nothing charms me as do the Northern Lights above me while I soak in a hot spring amidst frost-covered boulders. The joy of the moment will make the pain of loneliness less. And I am not at all sure that Doug is not somehow involved in their orchestration.

All right, this is enough of tales from the far, not-quite-freezing North, where we are enjoying daylight all the day. And mosquitoes are enjoying us every time we step outside unprotected. The wild roses are in bloom, filling my heart with joy. It is a good first day here at my own hearth. I'm going to fix a piece of toast and a cup of rice milk cocoa. With my own chocolate sauce. Life is good today.

Much Love and so many *<fairy dust>* flingings to each of you dear hearts,

fae

[feralfae]

Mary,

You and Bentley are already a certified therapy team. Your love and compassion are felt by all. I am glad you are not buying into the fear. Fear is what politicians and others use to place controls on us.

I am inspired and encouraged by your knowing that it is far lighter to feel no fear, dear beautiful spirit. No wonder we all love you so. You would all love my tribe up here. Susan, my host, left three of her CDs for me to listen to. She helps with grief healing and hospice work for the elderly pioneers up here.

I am so very glad that you are following your heart, dear one.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Mary,

You and Bentley are already a certified therapy team. Your love and compassion are felt by all. I am glad you are not buying into the fear. Fear is what politicians and others use to place controls on us. I am inspired and encouraged by your knowing that it is far lighter to feel no fear, dear beautiful spirit. No wonder we all love you so. You would all love my tribe up here. Susan, my host, left three of her CDs for me to listen to. She helps with grief healing and hospice work for the elderly pioneers up here. I am so very glad that you are following your heart, dear one.

Dear fae, you surely do know how to make someone feel good. You do know that you can only see in others what is in yourself so when you see love and compassion in me...well, look in the mirror, my friend. Thank you. No, I can not work with a group that I have learned has so much fear and well, it seem more like a clique and not enough about the dogs. The day I volunteered to help evaluate (which I did to see what it was like) I felt like an outsider the entire time. I rarely feel that way. I fit into most groups, even groups I don't want to fit into. Then this whole fear mentality from the training...all liability based and then Tuesday's experience have led me to decide I will not be working with this group except for today. I want to see how Bentley does today and they are expecting us so I will go. Bentley and I are registered with Pet Partners (the national group) and I can go anywhere I want without belonging to this local group. I will do my own dance...and I am not sure what that is yet. With the summer and surgeries, I am thinking not much of anything new....need to build my immune system as the second risk in these surgeries is infection, I was told. So...end of story..or beginning.

Now, I am so glad you are resting and relaxing and have a dog and CDs and understanding friends. You said you were at this house for 10 days. Is that when you drive home or when the owner returns? It also sounds like you will go back to the other house, wrap things up (whatever that means at this time) and then return to Alaska permanently. Is that correct? Those northern lights and all those community friends would be a draw for me....for sure. Whatever you are doing, love yourself. Peace, mary

[kayc]

Mary, so glad to see you safe and sound today! I just read about your tornado warnings and was instantly worried about you and Bentley!

fae, good to see your update...so does that mean you'll decide to permanently reside in AK? I guess I'm confused because I thought you had stress from going there. Glad you have a safe place to be for ten days and hope it is restful for you!

[HAP]

Dear friends,

The 30 month anniversary was really very difficult--especially when i got to the cemetery and discovered all the flowers I had put there on Saturday were gone. Fortunately I had brought some peonies and another vase. All this rain this week has not helped.

I slept 18 hours Tuesday and another 12 on Wednesday but the dreams were so strange I am not sure how much rest I got.

I spoke to the City Council Tuesday night about Relay. They are drafting a proclamation for us. I have 90 percent of the program done for the event next week. I'm hoping to get a couple more things done today so I can go out to see some comics tonight at a local club.

The woodchuck ate my broccoli just as it was making heads and started in on the daisies this afternoon just as they are coming into flower. My attempts to block the den have failed and I am too busy to go look for traps until Relay is done. Thank god I have other options for veggies or I'd starve.

Two of the members of our Marathon Walk team lost their father last weekend to NET cancer. The family is asking people make donations to the Walking with Jane Fund at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in lieu of flowers. Jane's story is what got them involved with our team--but their father's story is equally moving.

Walking with Jane will likely cross two milestones this weekend. We should top $30,000 for the year this week and $175,000 since we started. Still miles to go, but it's a start.

Mary, I think you are making the right decision about the local group. Fae, I'm debating where to go myself for a short break. It won't be Alaska, but I do need a change of scenery in the not distant future. I just have to solve my ground hog problem first.

I'm likely to vanish for a week or so. A week from today I'll be walking in circles and trying to keep the Relay moving forward. I may check in from time to time but my writing time is going to be hard to come by for a bit.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Harry, congratulations on such an incredible feat...raising $30,000 in just 5 months and $175,000 in 30 months is truly amazing. Jane would be so proud. She would also want you to take that week away...rest, sleep and heal.

Yes, I know I made the right decision but tonight it is quite painful and frankly I am too tired to excavate and figure out why. It is just what it is...very very painful. I have emptied the first kleenix...the faucets are running full speed tonight.

Do take care of you. This journey we are on is, as you know, exhausting, draining and depleting as it also transforms.

Peace, Mary

[mfh]

http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=190975113&m=191713573

Once a year Mozart's violin is taken out of storage and played. This is this year's performance. How well I remember hearing Mozart in the town of his birth, Salzberg, Austria in a candlelit room in a palace...

[kayc]

Harry, you are having great results! I hope you find someplace wonderful to take a break...

[Queeniemary]

Harry, the financial results of "Walking with Jane" are amazing just wonderful. Now, take a break if anyone deserves a break, you do! I have been off site for a week been traveling and other stuff going on. I saw you wrote more on your ground hog tenant. I have ground hogs on my property, have for years. There is a deep ditch that runs along beside my property line, and they live somewhere in holes down there. I get a big kick out of them. Mostly they eat my grass, I don't have a garden, and I cannot tell they have ever bothered my few plants. Big families of them, sometimes I will come out to get in my car and one will be sitting in the middle of my yard, and will run when I come off the porch. However I understand that if they are eating your produce you want that stopped!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Queeniemary]

I should do a "positive" for today. It has been a crazy week, had auditions for the play I am directing in September. Now my assistant director and I must choose. Lots of good people tried out, so it is going to be hard!! Other Mary, thought of you this week. I had my eye appointment, and for the first time in 5 or 6 years the pressure on my left eye was elevated. I have glaucoma, but it has been kept under control. He has changed my drops to see if the pressure will come down. It is harder to get these drops in my eyes, the instructions are more detailed, and it has to be kept in refrig. Possibility of losing sight is my biggest fear, and I know you understand that Mary. Also the cataract in my right eye has grown significantly in 6 mo. so probably after my Dec. appointment, I will have the surgery. When are you having Surgery Mary, I know the problem with your eyes is different than mine and more serious. I think you were expecting a couple of surgeries. I tried to find the thread where you talked about it, but did not find it.

The NY trip will be in October/Nov. already have my ticket, I lucked onto a real deal. The same group is going, but the ticket prices for the flight are cheaper due to a 3 day promotion. On the last day of the promotion I went online to the airline and found my round trip ticket from Branson, MO to NY for $215, over the regular cost of about 460. Grabbed it. The rest of the group got ready to order their tickets later that evening and could only get a discount to $330. I called the airline and was told the 215 prices were a special deal, and there were only a few of those and they were gone. Felt bad for my friends, but the $330 was what they were expecting to pay anyway. Don't know yet what shows we will see in NY, but "Wicked is one I would love to see.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

Mary, great deal on the ticket! I hope you get to see Wicked, I've heard it's good.

[mfh]

Other Mary, thought of you this week. I had my eye appointment, and for the first time in 5 or 6 years the pressure on my left eye was elevated. I have glaucoma, but it has been kept under control. He has changed my drops to see if the pressure will come down. It is harder to get these drops in my eyes, the instructions are more detailed, and it has to be kept in refrig. Possibility of losing sight is my biggest fear, and I know you understand that Mary. Also the cataract in my right eye has grown significantly in 6 mo. so probably after my Dec. appointment, I will have the surgery. When are you having Surgery Mary, I know the problem with your eyes is different than mine and more serious. I think you were expecting a couple of surgeries. I tried to find the thread where you talked about it, but did not find it.

Hi Mary, I am sorry you are having eye problems. I know it is frightening, believe me. I am not sure what you mean about the drops being more difficult to get into your eyes but when I started using drops I used a little tool (guide) that Bill had available at Walgreen's for a few dollars. Here is the link:

http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/ableware-auto-drop-eye-drop-guide/ID=prod6119750-product and image:

I do not need to use it now as I got pretty good at getting drops in but with this it is a sure bet. I lie down, close the other eye and position the bottle in the hole at the top and look backwards out of the top of the eye...in go the drops. Drops feel good in my eyes so I am less protective than when I started using them. Not sure how the surgery and post surgery drops will feel. I am extremely protective of my eyes. My MD told me when I talk to the anesthesiologist to tell him he should "snow" me with anesthetic. Of course in eye surgery, you can not be too anesthetized as the surgeon has to be able to have your eye open. So I am just praying I am so looped I don't care what she does. My siblings both have glaucoma and it is controlled with meds. My brother has had detached retinas (2 emergency surgeries the week my mom died) and now uses drops 7 times a day. We take our eyes for granted until this stuff happens. My sister has glaucoma but meds control it. She is 68 and so far has not had anything go wrong.

It will be important that you follow the MD's directions precisely of course...When you say my surgery is more serious..I look at it that ALL surgery is serious. And eye surgery is also frightening. My first one is July 24 and the second is Aug. 21. I learned at my pre-op appt last month that because of the condition my corneas are in, I will be more swollen and it will take longer for that to go down (the corneas pump water out) but from what I have seen with "normal" cataract surgery there is often little swelling. Bill had cataract surgery and he had no swelling and was good to go the next day but had precautions to follow and follow up appointments. Friends have had it and I know of no one even with glaucoma who had a problem. But everyone is different, of course. My doctor wants me in the next morning and then a week later. for each eye. I think from what I have learned that a cataract can get worse quickly. Mine did. I go in every six months normally and have for years and so when I was in last fall, things were not ready for surgery but in the spring...it was time. The longer I wait now, the more risk because of the cornea issue...there is, I understand, a big window re cataract surgery under normal conditions. There is a time that is best for cataract surgery. Too soon and the cataract is not "ripe" enough and. Wait too long and the cataract gets hard and difficult to remove as did my brother's. Also AFTER cataract surgery a slight film can develop and you go in and within a second, the MD zaps that film with a laser to get rid of it. Everyone I know who had cataract surgery had to have this follow up procedure a few weeks or months after surgery. Not sure what else to tell you but please feel free to stay in touch, ask questions, etc. I will share all I know. My surgery is risky because my corneas could decompensate...this is NOT good. I try not to think about it. This surgeon is someone I trust as much as one can trust a surgeon. She is OCD when it comes to eyes. She looked into Bill's eyes once and said, "This is why I became an ophthalmologist....look at that blue...you only see that in an eye" and then she raved about it. She is passionate about eyes. Let me know if I can help if only to listen...I sometimes dream about this surgery. My eyes fill with tears at the thought of it but I keep putting it out of my mind and then dream about it. I am quite frightened so not sure how much help I am to you except to share fear.

Let me know if you want more input. This is pretty much what I know. If you need an ear, I am always here.

[Queeniemary]

Mary, I sent you an email. Thank for the link, I may try it. Positive for today, got both plays I am directing this coming year cast. We had auditions Thurs and Friday night. Had over 35 people try out for 13 parts. Was hard to cast, so many were very good. Assistant Director and I got it finished by last night, and everyone accepted their parts. Yay!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

Queenie Mary,

Congratulations!

I was in summer stock as a teenager, and then assistant director for two plays the next summer.

You have great spunk and fortitude to be the director! Whew! A lot of work, energy, diplomacy, artistic eyes, political and financial savvy (I imagine that the producers still frown on huge overruns!) as well as a leader of a bunch of individualists who might make a cats seem easy to herd.

Brava! And much applause.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Queeniemary]

fae, thank you for the applause...I love theatre. I have been doing community theatre since I was in my early 30's, about 35 years. Directing is so much fun....you get to tell people what to do, and they listen! I love being on stage also, but memorizing lines is harder than it was a few years ago. Casting is probably the hardest part, especially when you have so many more good people try out than you have roles to cast.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

Directing is so much fun....you get to tell people what to do, and they listen!

Never thought of it that way, I should have taken it up, LOL!

Congrats on the casting, now you can focus on the play!

[HAP]

Our Relay Bank Night was tonight. We had raised $119,000 going in, took in $123,000 tonight. We have raised over $242,000 and Relay is not until Friday. The program is finished and goes to the printer tomorrow.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Wow, Harry, that is great! You should feel good about what you have accomplished!

[enna]

Your hard work is an inspiration to everyone. What a wonderful tribute, Harry.

Mary, The Royal One. It sounds like you are enjoying the work you are involved in right now. I am so happy for you. Benji sends greetings to your two corgis. I am sure that they would get along. Benji is a real lover - people and other animals. I truly lucked out with my rescue dog. I love him.

My positive today is when testing my heart rate it finally went below 100. B/P is within range. Sodium level is where the docs want to see it. This helps with the kidney disease which is in the high 3 category which is good! I am enjoying this break. Anne

[feralfae]

Oh, Anne!

That is totally super! Congratulations! You have worked hard to win this victory, and you deserve a lot of credit and applause and chocolate for your progress and hard work.

Well done, very well done.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Anne, that is so great to hear! I am so glad for you, I hope you can relax and know your efforts are paying off.

Last night I went to a funeral of a man who was our town mayor and councilman, he was my kid's TAG coordinator and the husband of their principal. I also worked with her on the Community Development Corporation. She did a wonderful job with his service, I loved how she presented special things about him, the man. I feel for her, I know her life is changed forever, oh how I know that! I know, as much as she is struggling and as painful as it is, it will likely worsen before it gets better, as reality sets in, and everyone leaves her alone in her house. I'm glad she has a beautiful dog to go through this journey with...she even brought the dog to the service. I felt honored as he made his way to me, out of the hundreds of people there, and wanted me to pet him. He must have known how much of a dog lover I am.

If you think of it, say a prayer for Judy...she's going to be missing her Don greatly.

[mfh]

It is a perfect evening here in Spring Green. Low 70s, dry, and mosquito free. The sun is creating long shadows across the grass and into the yards. The trees are full and lush and flowers are in bloom. It is a small simple village on first glance but behind that first glance are hundreds of artists in studios in the village and in the hills. There are actors out at APT producing, as I type, a Shakespearean drama that people come form all over the country to see...outside under the stars (later) and with a whippoorwill providing sound effects and bats zooming in the spots. Frank Lloyd Wright's Taliesin sits nestled IN a brow...i.e. a hill (the word Taliesin means radiant brow so named for the hills here. Our Overture Center in Madison has installed as a backdrop to the orchestra a radiant brow of organ pipes in honor of Wright. Bentley and I just took our short evening walk. We do 2 walks a day at least...most short due to my own endurance and pain walking. The morning walk we clip off (clip means brisk walk) and then he gets to go at his pace for a while. We are out there for quite a while. The evening walk is shorter because by evening I can barely walk. So it is like a walking meditation as I allow Bentley to take in every smell for as long as he wants. Dogs LIVE mindfulness...nothing matters to him except the smell of the moment and as he smells, I watched the trees sway in tonight's gentle breeze. No one is out at this time of the evening usually. In the mornings Bentley gets to greet shop keepers who give him treats and tourists and others. The village is quiet as most are home -many gathered around a dinner table (small town families still do that ), many gathered around the news on TV (probably having trouble digesting their microwaved processed dinner) and some alone with a cat on their lap or a dog at their feet...as am I now. Tonight I felt grateful for Bentley....as empty and lost as I feel I would be so much the worse without him and I somehow suspect that as stressful as my decision re therapy dog has been, I suspect he knows something because he has been more relaxed even with my tears, spent more time on my lap and well....he knows it is over....and maybe he is glad. I am at peace with my decision tonight and also as lovely as the evening is, it makes me miss Bill...it is an evening that we would have spent wandering about the town or one of the many nearby state parks or sitting at the river as the sun drops over the hills.

Mary