Looking For The Positives

[Queeniemary]

Fae, I was wondering about Kay and Skye also. So happy the report for Mary is good, and that she is home and resting.

I actually have an exciting positive that happened for me yesterday that I would like to share. Had the most unexpected and exciting phone call yesterday. It was from Jessie Jones, one of the playwrights of “The Red Velvet Cake War” that I am in the process of directing. She was wanting to know how our rehearsals were going, and to send her best wishes to the cast. It was very exciting. This is the second phone call I have ever had from her, the first was dress rehearsal night of “The Hallelujah Girls”, several years ago, telling us to "Break a Leg". How many playwrights do you think call to see how things are going, and to wish their best to the cast!!!! She also sent me via an attachment on an email the not yet published newest play they have written, which will premiere in October.

Anyway, she really made my day, and the cast was pretty thrilled also.

Eye is bothering a little today, very light sensitive and feels heavy. Will call dr. office later and see if this is normal. I feel that is it probably very normal, but don't want to go through the holiday weekend without knowing for sure.

May have youngest son and some of his stepchildren and grandchildren here this weekend. They are to call today and let me know for sure. If they come, will be a FULL house, and a busy one this weekend....not sure I am up for it, but I want to see them all really bad. Guess I will just let them be in charge of meals, etc....

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

That's really cool. And that she sent you he working script for her new play is outstanding. This is a rarity among playwrights.

Enjoy your company this weekend.

Peace,

Harry

[enna]

What a wonderful positive from the playwright, Jesse Jones, Mary from AK. That must have boosted your spirits.

Let us know about your eye. You must protect those eyes from too much light. Hope you are wearing shades! Have a wonderful, relaxed weekend.

Kay posted on FB that she was just under the weather right now. I'm sure she will touch in when she feels better.

Anne

[kayc]

Hi, I was indeed very sick, couldn't even move I hurt so bad. I'm not well yet but improved since last night.

Mary, I loved your butterfly rescue! I love it when we get those precious signs. Am waiting to hear how your time with your doctor went. I'm with you, I don't mind the wait. People are in too much of a hurry and far too impatient. As you said, there are worse things in life!

QMary, glad you got your theater time, I take it your eyes are doing well then?

[Queeniemary]

Kay, so sorry you have not been well. Was wondering about you. Yes back to my rehearsals, which are going super!! Eyes have done well, but very sensitive to light today, and a little pain around the eyesocket, so wearing sunglasses in house, and just taking it easy. May have company late tonight, youngest son and wife, as well as his stepdaughter and family...full house. Hope they come, miss them. Well, getting off here for awhile, need to rest the eyes some, may watch a movie. Kay, hope you are totally well very soon. Thinking of you and praying for you. How is Skye?

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

Skye seems a little better than a week ago and went home with his folks yesterday. I still have Mozzy with me, their puppy. Arlie is being pretty patient with all this! I hope you enjoy your visit with your son & family!

[HAP]

Dear friends,

I gave blood this afternoon for the first time since Jane began to get really sick. We used to do it twice a year, together. When she was sick there were other things that needed doing. Since then...it's like everything else we once did together. But I am biting those bullets with increasing frequency. I hate feeling like a cripple and the only way out of that is to push myself through things like this.

I had thought that Monday--our Anniversary--would be a good day to move my wedding ring from my left hand to my right. Renewing our vows makes no sense, under the circumstances. I even checked with some places about what would be involved in getting it resized. But i have spent the last three days engaging in avoidance behaviors rather than getting it done. So late this morning I sat down to meditate on that singular aspect. Clearly, I am not ready to do that--but I wanted to know why.

I'm getting impatient with the pace of all this. I'm tired of coming to the end of a day and realizing I have been wandering aimlessly all day and accomplishing nothing concrete. I know what I am capable of doing in a day--and I am not getting there most days. It is frustrating: I feel like a stroke victim who knows what he was and can't get back there despite all the physical therapy in the world. Never mind that I logically understand how deep this wound is and how long it will take before I get back to any sense of normalcy--the eternal child has had enough.

To that piece of my mind, moving the ring from one hand to the other was the magic by which I could move forward and shake off these chains holding me.

But that is what it is: magic of a non-functional sort. These emotions cannot be resolved through some gesture--and when that gesture fails to achieve that end, what am I left with? More damage?

Jane and I were always about serving others. It's in our DNA--in our souls. But moving the ring is about serving myself, not serving others. And this serving myself is not about self-care but about greed for a life that is purest fantasy. It is about succumbing to the temptation to put my life ahead of the lives of others. Again, this is not about putting the oxygen mask on myself so I can help others: the oxygen mask is firmly in place. It is like having the mask in place and then ignoring the people who cannot get their masks on.

Once I understood all this and had decided to leave the ring where it is until there is some clear signal the time has come to remove it--a signal that may never come--I felt the tension and anxiety go out of me. I have to be true to who I am and not to the temptation that haunts me. There are no shortcuts on offer that are real. There is no magic elixir to cure what ails me. I just have to keep working on things, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month...

So I have recalled patience to my side. The ring stays where it is. I will continue to muddle through. And that is a very positive thing.

I'm not sure I've made a lot of sense in explaining all this. That's what happens when I meditate. I perceive things but those things don't always translate well into words. Especially on this stuff.

Peace,

Harry

[enna]

Amen to honoring your feelings. Harry. Remember, there is NO time limit on our grief. You will do what your heart tells you to do. Anne

[feralfae]

Harry,

I am so very proud of you for honoring your feelings, especially about the ring. I don't think that rituals can help change things, and especially not for those who have a level of self-awareness that helps them to recognize rituals for what they are: mnemonics of words, gestures of body, to remind us of certain other things. The gestures of Mass come to mind. And we know that if it is not within, then it cannot be without, no matter the gesture or ritual.

Good for you.

I take my rings off and back on as I used to to before Doug left: I don't wear my rings or a watch in the studio, or while doing things such as staining the house. I know most men's rings are simple, but my rings are not. I do not want to grind or lose them. They come and go. I am comfortable with that now. For a long time after Doug left, I could not take them off. I still do not take off my necklace unless there is compelling reason.

And I, too, am not sure a ring is about anything but its symbology to us.

And I don't feel ailing, so much as wounded, and so I have faith that unlike a terminal disease, which was my deep fear for a while after Doug left and I was so ill, that I will heal more from this in a few years or decades, and feel better about life and this huge loss and shift of everything in my world. So, unlike an ailment, I feel more as though there has been an terrible, tearing amputation, and that the ragged edges are mostly not so tender, but the gaping hole is still there, just a bit less sensitive now most of the time than it was the first year and more.

Before we knew about the cauda equina, I was sure I was dying of cancer or something worse. Some rare disease, because I was in so much physical pain, on top of the emotional pain. I was sure I would die. Even after the surgery, I asked my surgeon to tell me the most realistic prognosis. He had known Doug, and he immediately understood, came over, sat down next to me and hugged me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "This is not like cancer. You don't have operations then die like Doug did. You had an operation and then you live. You are going to live." It was a huge revelation and relief to me to have someone tell me that I was going to live. At the time, I thought I deserved to die for letting Doug die. It would have been fitting, for how I felt at the timel. I thought dying would be most appropriate, a solution to everything. I was only half an entity, anyway, so what good was I?

Whew, nattering, you turned on some memories. Thank you.

Harry, you are full of beautiful insights, and thank you for sharing them. Congratulations on listening to your heart, too.

*<twinkles>*

fae

Afterword ...

I am holding hope, and faith, that I will be restored enough for whatever work or play there is before me. I have no idea what it is, although today I was approached about teaching at one of our community Tribal schools, of which we have many these days. A lot of elders go teach when they retire, as volunteers, and bring their disciplines with them. Some very superb teachers, and also well-respected elders. It would be a nice place to share, think, learn, and help. And I could work without a salary, which we all appreciate in community schools. So, lots of doors are opening, and I think, like many of us on this journey, that we will know when it is time to do whatever it is, from rings to new life moves.

My big lesson is patience. My salvation is my keen curiosity, so I will stick around to see what happens next.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Queeniemary]

Harry,

is it not great when we make a decision, and we know it is right for us due to the way the tension and anxiety leave us. I wore my rings for a long time on my left hand. Like Fae, my rings were off and on, all of my rings, as some are ornate, and I always take them off at night, as my hands swell. The knuckles on my left hand ring finger (due to arthritis) have gotten too large, finally, to get my rings on that finger. I have compromised by putting my wedding rings on my right hand, little finger, with a little turquoise pinky ring holding them on. I like the way it looks, and I still have Mike's rings with me. I wear a lot of turquoise on the other fingers, so that all fits in very nicely. Will be thinking of you this weekend. Peace to you my friend.

Fae, how wonderful that new opportunities are opening up for you. Change and new adventures are good for everyone, and teaching at a community Tribal school sounds challenging! Being open to change, small or large, is rather important. We are forging new paths for our lives.

Mary (Queeniemary ) in Arkansas

[kayc]

I can't wear mine either and since it is platinum and gold it cannot be enlarged without cutting it and putting in a seam...I don't want to do that. But I have both of our matching bands and when I die, my son will get George's and my daughter will get mine.

I'm glad you are doing what is right for you, Harry.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

I am back--and in one piece. I got more than a little wet today, but no flood carried me away.

I have some things I need to take care of now that I am home. I will try to be back later tonight--or more likely tomorrow afternoon.

Be well.

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Welcome home, Harry.

Thank you for checking in, and we look forward to hearing from you when it is time.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Hopi9ng the time you spent away went well for you, Harry.

[mfh]

"In the face of feeling alone and afraid, each of us longs for connection and peace. This talk explores our habitual ways of seeking false refuge, and the archetypal gateways that carry us home to our own awakened heart. Our time together will include guided meditation and a period of questions and sharing. This will be Tara’s only public appearance in Madison."

I will be graced to attend this talk by Tara Brach on Friday evening along with a friend from my book club and her Mindfulness group. I plan to start a meditation/mindfulness circle early next year if not sooner. This gal lives in Madison and I do not choose to travel that far. I am really looking forward to seeing Tara in person and recommend her books especially True Refuge.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

This was an intense but good weekend for me. Friends asked me to their annual clam boil Sunday and i got to see a number of folks I have not seen in quite a while.

My plans for yesterday, the actual date of our anniversary, changed Monday morning once I saw the flood watch and the weather forecast. I really did not want to be on any swiftly rising rivers if I could avoid that--and the place i had in mind suffered from that potential on the way in, on the way out, and in between. Instead, I drove up to Walden Pond and spent a few hours in Thoreau's old haunts. It was a place Jane and I often went when we needed some quiet time in the woods to walk and talk without going too far from home.

I had planned to do three circuits of the pond with stops at the site of Thoreau's cabin on each one. I only got to do two. Just as I finished the second, the skies opened and the thunder and lightning which had been off in the distance were suddenly right on top of me. It was time to go. I was pretty well soaked by the time I got to the car. But I felt more at peace than I have in a very long time. Walden--even when it is crowded--does that to me. I had a friend who used to swim the length or width of the pond in my youth. A more thorough transcendentalist baptism I cannot imagine--though that soaking rain yesterday came close.

It has been a while since my meditations were as Zen as they were yesterday. My mind was a blank slate much of the time. When I was walking, I was walking, when I was driving, I was driving, when I was sitting, I was sitting. That un-carved block state has been rare for me since Jane died. It is gone today to some extent, but I feel more focussed than i have in a long time.

This next bit will not seem positive at first: Monday morning very early I woke up from a very disturbing dream in which Jane was so angry at me she said she hated me. I don't know why exactly she was angry--though I suspect it had to do with something I have been angry with myself about several times in the last couple of weeks: I am spending too much time on the computer doing things that waste time--it can suck me in for an hour or more just aimlessly cycling through things to no real purpose. I look up and realize how much time I have wasted doing nothing and it upsets me. It's avoidance behavior--plain and simple--and I know I am doing it--which makes it all the more aggravating. But I also know it happens when my emotions are in danger of completely swamping me--and it is my way of letting them do so--if that makes any sense. It is sort of like my father and his cigarettes: any time he came up against something he could not figure out, he'd say, "I need a cigarette," and sit down and smoke. The computer is sometimes my cigarette. Sometimes it is my writing. Sometimes it is walking or driving or digging a hole in the ground or sanding and staining a piece of furniture. I feel good when it is something constructive--and I hate it when I feel like all I've done is spin my wheels.

The dream helped clear some of that out. But it also took me back to the times we would get angry with each other. Friends like to put our marriage on a pedestal. Part of that is that no matter how angry we were with each other no one else ever saw it. We kept those things in-house. And we never forgot we loved each other. One time, early in our marriage, Jane told me to go to hell--then realized what she had said in mid-sentence and added--and come back. We laughed about that. It never happened again on either side--except once when we were coming back from a particularly bad session with her cardiologist. By the time we got home we had talked it out. It was the cancer talking--on both sides. That was the day they told us her heart was badly damaged and we both thought she was done but were trying to be strong for the other one.

We always answered anger with love--and that always brought the other one around. And that was my response when i woke up: OK. You're angry. But it doesn't change that I love you. It reminds me of the scene in Camelot where Arthur is asking the memory of Merlin how to handle a woman. The wizard replies that it is to "love her, love her, love her." I think Jane would agree that it works both ways: love him, love him, love him.

I went to a rehearsal of Grapes of Wrath this afternoon. It opens Thursday night but they decided to invite 30 of us subscribers to sit in on a rehearsal this afternoon. I've never been to a rehearsal where i was not directly involved with the production as an actor, producer, publicist, assistant director or actor before. It was interesting to be there without responsibilities. I got to talk with an old friend who is in the production afterward for a few minutes. He thinks I should find the time to take an acting class sometime between now and June to get my feet wet again and because it will give me another emotional outlet. He was playing the fool last year in Lear while his mother was dying. Every performance gave him somewhere not just to escape to, but to channel all the anger and frustration he was feeling.

The play is going to be extraordinary. I had to change my ticket from Saturday night to Thursday because of the Walk on Sunday, which starts at 5:30 a.m. They've created a 1930s bar as the set--an idea I don't quite get since the rehearsal was centered on some scenes in the middle of the play. But it was amazing how the actors turned that bar into a river, a labor camp, the road across the desert... They've written some new music for it performed by an old-style C&W band made up of the actors who are not on stage at any particular moment. It is an interesting piece of work by a company that thrives on risk.

I've started carbo-loading for Sunday--which means guilt-free eating this week.

With today's mail, the latest direct mail letter has raised about $2500. Twenty-six people are attending one team members fundraising dinner at her house Friday. I'm beginning to think we will at least match last year's number, despite having 10 fewer people walking.

All things considered, it's been a good few days--certainly better than I had any reason to expect.

Peace,

Harry

[KarenK]

Harry,

Reading about your dream of Jane brought back many memories. Although Ron & I had a very turbulent marriage, we stayed married for almost 41 years. He was quick to anger and slow to forgive, but I never doubted his love. In the last weeks of his life in the hospital, he asked me one day if I wanted a divorce or if I was tired of taking care of him. I told him of course not. I know he was so very ill, but even after all those years, he still didn't comprehend my love. Ain't love grand?

I do have a positive to report today, the first one in such a long time. I bit the bullet and joined a local support group called Widowed To Widowed. There were five of us and it was very nice to meet face-to-face with other widows who are on the same path. I so wish all of us here could meet face-to-face.

Karen

[mfh]

Karen, I am so glad you joined a group that will support you. This is no journey to do alone...it is about climbing Mt. Everest and no one in their right mind would ever consider doing that alone. Thankfully everyone here has this group (tribe) to accompany us on this journey to healing and whether we know it or not...we ARE healing bit by bit by bit...and isn't that how healing goes? I see it with the healing of my eyes (no pun), the healing of my hand so badly bruised by the anesthesiologist, and of my heart. I know there will always always be a hole in my heart but the torn and shredded edges left by Bill's death are healing over a bit... I am sorry you also are dealing the threat of losing your daughter...sometimes I wonder how much a being can carry but carry our loads we do...hopefully along with gratitude. Let us know how this new group is for you

Peace

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Karen,

Your group sounds helpful. Here, there were several of us who lost spouses about the the same time, and all of us knew each other from the cancer clinic at the hospital. We had our own informal group, and have helped each other through this time. One wife has moved to Denver to be closer to her family. One husband has moved on after a year and is now living with someone, and they are happy. One wife is now herself having chemo, and I am going to physical therapy a lot, but with wonderful, if slow, results.

Karen, you care carrying a lot right now, and dealing with more than anyone should need to. I am glad you are here with us, and thank you for your presence.

Peace to you today as you find ways to carry on.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Karen,

So glad you found a support group to join! I hope this will be a very helpful and supportive group for you.

Harry,

I'm not sure I totally agree with you about the "wasting time"...every moment of our lives does not need to be productive. In fact, we NEED some restorative time, whether it's connecting with others, being alone and meditating, or doing what you just did, with your trip. The thunder storm even sounds exciting, I love thunder, but sorry you got caught/so wet! I don't believe Jane would be so angry with you...but I think you would be with yourself.

[Queeniemary]

Karen, glad you found a support group that seems to work for you. I have my little group of three, we all lost our spouses in less than a year, we all were theatre people, and friends. The three of us remaining, Tom, Dana and myself, have become our own support group, since shortly after Mike died. He was the last to go. We get together, cook, talk, drink a little (sometimes more than a little) wine, and are good support for each other. It is a little strange now, Dana is engaged, but still needs and wants our time together. We share a bond, Dana's husband Morris died first, April, 2009 at age 48, (respiratory illness they have not been able to determine what caused) Tom's wife Ann died September 2009 at age 60 (cancer), and Mike died in January 2010 at age 62 (massive coronary). They were all relatively young when they died. We all did theatre related stuff together, and Morris and Tom were boy scout leaders together. All 6 of us were friends, and now just the three of us left. Wish I could say that Dana's fiancé fits right in, but he does not, and to be honest Tom and I don't much like him, but she seems to, so we keep quiet!

Don't know about a positive today, still rehearsing for our September play, and we are taking pictures tonight for the newspaper. Had lunch with a really good friend, Madeleine. Tom and I are going to see "The Jersey Boys" at the Walton Arts Center in Fayetteville tomorrow night with my brother and his wife, then to my brother's for the weekend in Hot Springs. Will be fun to be with them. Tom and my brother were best friends in their senior year of high school, and have reconnected this past couple of years.

Eye seems to be doing real well, no longer light sensitive nor scratchy, will be anxious to see results on Sept. 18. and find out if this helped to reduce the pressure in left eye.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

My positive:

My son got a radio/CD player at a garage sale and installed it in my pickup (employees at the auction stole the original one out of it before we could pick it up), so it'll be nice to have one in it. Still need to figure out how to use it. It is nice to have him home a few days, I stocked up on groceries last night so I can cook for him.

It's starting to thunder, better go roll up the windows on my car!

[lilacsandladybugs]

Nice surprise when I got home. I have new neighbors and they have a cat. She was resting in my backyard by the pond. For me it is a positive because Kathy had a thing for cats and we rescued a few. I can not have a pet myself since I am so often not here with work and all. But........ having a kitty In the yard is comforting.

I bet it's nice to have your son home for a bit kayc. Isn't it better to cook for more than just ourselves.

[KarenK]

This is a small positive, but at least I found the incentive today to assemble a beaded necklace which I "designed" on the beading board several months ago. It had been sitiing around gathering dust & I just had no desire to finish it.

I am a jewelry nut, but no longer buy any. We used to go to all the nearby arts & crafts shows which had tons of jewelry priced above my means. I guess that's how I got interested in making this stuff. I just thought it would be fun to make some things. I started with one small box of beads & now I have thousands just waiting to be turned into something to wear. I have sold a few things at my yard sales, but for the most part, the price I get for them is far less than the material I have used. Anyway, one necklace down & a thousand to go.

Karen

[mfh]

Karen, I think doing that piece of jewelry is a great step. After Bill died I took up watercolor...it has taken 3 years to work my way towards being consistent about painting and I am a major beginner but I found it helpful and a way to express my pain/joy/whatever.... I am so glad you ventured into your jewelry making...good for you. Mary