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...and So Ends Another Year


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To Bill March 27, 2010

Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its color.”

W.S. Merwin

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Dear Mary,

The Merwin is beautiful. May the sunrise begin for you today--and may your dark cave be revealed as a beautiful garden in the building light.

Peace,

Harry

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How lovely, Harry. Thank you.

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Mary, the more time that goes by, the missing them does not lessen...in fact, rather, it perhaps increases as we continue to feel their loss. Little things happen throughout the day that call our attention to their being absent. My back has been hurting since Saturday after I spent the day cooking, standing on a marble floor, and then treating my dogs wounds with his uncooperativeness has further exacerbated the problem. At 2:00 this morning I was awakened with such pain that I could not find relief with pain medicine or anti-inflammatory, and found no relief in standing, sitting, or lying down. The thought struck me that if George were here, he would somehow help me with massage and relieve the unbearable pain I found myself in. Once again...I missed him. And so goes our lives. The fact is, this is a continual journey that goes on and on...it does not come to an end, we do not "get over it", but we do learn to live with it and realize the changes that have taken place in our lives. It only serves to cause me to appreciate him all the more.

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Thanks to all of you for your kind words, support and thoughts and, Marty, for the candle. I so appreciate your presence in my life...we hold each other up....with love, support, understanding, non-judgment and so much more.

I spent a quiet morning, a couple of phone calls, a lot of emails....and then shared photos, lunch and a trip to the cemetery with a good friend. The cemetery was difficult. I do not remember the first anniversary so today was like a first one. I have not been to the cemetery all winter as it is hard to get to in winter. I am home now and have a brief meeting here at my house with 3 others who are in a weight loss group with me (we are supporting each other...for me it is shedding some of the pounds I gained in the last 6 years eating everyone's comfort food that was brought to the house). I will then do my ritual for the evening...light a candle, read cards, letters and poems from Bill and look at photos...my way of being a bit closer to him for the evening. Many tears will be shed.

Something weird happened this morning. I was sitting in my studio looking at my cell phone clock as I wanted to be aware of 10:46 (the time of Bill's death). As I was looking at it, I had the thought that I think he really died at 10:45am. I looked at the clock again and it said 10:45...and 9 minutes later...it still said 10:45. Then I tried to turn it off and kept trying but it was frozen... then it suddenly snapped to 10:54...the current time...This has never happened before. My friend arrived a bit later and said she was late because her phone stopped at 10:45 and went black (as did mine). She stopped at the phone company en route here and they did not know what was going on...no clue why that happened. They removed her battery and replaced it to get it working again. Sort of strange....I plan to see if anyone else had that happen (without telling them why I am asking...I do not need judgments). It just seems to be a weird coincidence. One never knows....

Thank you all again. You are very special people in my life.

Peace

Mary

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I truly think those we loved with such passion and deep emotion come back to us and show us that they are nearby. I was once afraid of the thought of a spirit presence..I now find comfort in it. You are in my thoughts and my heart as well....take care, Kim

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Called the cell phone local office and no one there has had anyone telling them that they had phone problems this morning...did not have a clue what I was talking about. Who knows. I am drained. It has been along draining day but one filled with good people who love me and whom I love.

Mary

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Kay I am so sorry about your pup's problems and your back pain. I agree...we learn to live with the loss. I happen to have a back that causes me a ton of pain and standing is the toughest. When I am in pain, I get on the floor (if I can) and put my lower legs on a chair...it stretches out the back. It may help you. I hope it does. One of the times my back went "out" Bill was gone somewhere. I was at my computer and could not move so sat there with my head on the desk for two hours until he came home to help me crawl to a chair. Stress plays a role in this....I now carry my cell phone in my pocket at all times. Of course, the time i need it, it will be across the room. :) Mary

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HI Mary,

It sounds like you spent the day well. You have worked courageously. I hope you know how much of an inspiration you are to your fellow grievers. Giving into the pain instead of fighting it is a real challenge. As you well know the distractions are just that. My yoga instructor assures me that through adversity much can be learned. This death thing is by for the greatest adversity one can experience. I hope this third year brings you some relief and peace. You have worked so hard and deserve it! Cheryl

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Hi Cheryl, Thank you for your kindness. I agree choosing to walk through the heart of grief is tough but for me the only option. This anniversary is the first one I remember and seems to have coincided with some deep work I am doing. I felt loved and supported all day by friends, family (sort of new) and by people here. I have learned to ask for help in the past two years and grief is teaching me so much. Thank you for your kind words. Peace, mary

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Thanks, Melina. The day was tiring but ok. Glad it is behind me. Moving on to year 3. Thank you.

Mary

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I'm sorry I haven't been on line for a few days, I've been very sick. The last three weeks have just been rough, one thing after another. After my electricity was out for three days (after my back started hurting and my dog injured his paw), I got food poisoning...the items I'd transferred to the cooler with ice were okay, the items in the refrigerator with ice were not apparently.

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Oh Mary, in my opinion (very uninformed) the clock was a sign from Bill that he was near. I am glad a friend was with you to share lunch and the trip to the cemetary.

Kay, I am so sorry about your back pain and the food poisoning, Hope your dog's paw is better soon. Wow, he is a big boy!!

Soon I will be 3 months into this third year, and am not sure what I am feeling. The grief of course, that is always there, but there also seems to be a grudging acceptance that this is the way my life is going to be from now on.....and I don't like it. I just get through the days, and the weeks, and they do seem to move quickly, but no matter what activities I am involved in, they all feel the same....just going through the motions. Wish I could find something that would really distract me. Still thinking about the painting classes...

Have a good April 1.....the weather here has been lovely, and my azaleas I planted last year are blooming, bright red against gray house...looks pretty good.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Mary, Since the clock event, I have heard stories about clocks stopping when someone dies or at the time they died. Pretty amazing. You and I are about the same time out from this life changing event and like you the grief is always there. I do things but like you it is motions...I enjoy some things and some people but emptiness reigns. I have not even been able to paint much. This week has been one of reliving...buying the casket, planning the funeral, greeting traveling friends, funeral, burial on Tuesday 3rd. I turned 70 the next day which was also Easter. It is like my body remembers not just my heart/mind. I do understand 'going through motions'. Like you, I need a REAL passion and that is not easy to identify so I wait. I don't really care about the waiting...but it is truly empty. Weather here was cold and gray yesterday and looks like another one today. You will pursue the painting classes when/if you are ready. I reach out to you in the midst of this journey. Mary

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Mary, it's funny you mention waiting, that's what I feel I have been doing for so long, but I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, it's just that nothing really strikes me. I envy Dwayne his passion to become a nurse, at least he's found a cause, something he can pour his heart and soul into. I feel sometimes like I'm just existing. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I'm definitely not the person I used to be either.

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Hi Kay, I thought I responded to your post yesterday but it is not here so will do this again. I agree that identifying a passion that we can throw ourselves into is tough. I have no clue what mine might be but have started painting and now training Bentley to be a therapy dog (which is going well-but slow). I am not sure either is a passion but at least a real interest. I am sure that you thought by now you would have identified something. I understand the "just existing" thing...this is a long journey.

Mary

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Thank you, Marty, for the link. That young man is amazingly sensitive and expressive. He is doing in sculpture what I am attempting in paint. Right now I am doing a series of hawks. The piece also reminds me of my own journey through a painful therapy process many many years ago. I sculpted my way through the process...ended up with about 5 sculptures of a woman in various emotional states. They are in boxes in the basement....not unpacked since Bill and I move into this house about 8 months before he died. I know I will see a lot in those when I do unpack them...but that is way down the road. Thank you for sharing. Peace, Mary

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Thank you, Melina....it started out tough...but thanks to friends and even family...it has been a good day. I am blessed. Tonight I will go out to dinner with a friend. I was going to someone's home tonight but their good friend was killed Monday by his bull as his adult son watched helplessly...so dinner at their home got canceled and I feel so sad for these folks....another woman, married 57 years, lost her husband tragically on Monday and eventually I will be having coffee with her. One way I can use this loss and pain...

I miss Bill so much today...I just want to share the day and have him know of how it is filled with love but yet empty without him.

Love

Mary

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