Anne E Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Dick and I always dreamed of taking the inside passage of Alaska cruise. About the time we had the son raised, all the bills paid, etc., etc., and could afford to actually go, his lung condition worsened, he had to be on oxygen 24/7 and the dream was shelved. While we were in the hospital all those months while he was trying to recover from the lung transplant surgery, the Alaska Cruise was a goal. Today, I went into Pueblo and purchased a bigger suitcase and a new carry on bag.......I leave in 6 days to get on that boat and take that cruise!!! (The boat leaves on June 8th which would have been our 44th wedding anniversary!) This afternoon as I drove home from Pueblo and this evening, I fear I am having a bit of "buyer remorse". Can't decide if I have made a mistake. I fear I will get on that boat and be miserable because I am without Dick, enjoying the trip we dreamed about for so long. So, after wallowing in those thoughts for the evening, I have put on my "big girl" panties and decided to refuse to dwell on those negative thoughts. I AM GOING ON THE CRUISE AND I AM GOING TO HAVE THE GREAT TIME DICK AND I WOULD HAVE SHARED!!! I know he will be there in spirit! I KNOW that! I get so mad at myself because since Dick's death, I am so wishy/washy. I spend way too much time second guessing almost every single thing I do. Sucks to think that this is the way I will be the rest of my life. Wonder what happened to the gal who stood firm and made all those difficult decisions all by herself??? Sometimes, life is just exhausting isn't it??? OK, whining is over. I'm going to head to the office to check the to do list and packing list. Perhaps I will take some cheese to have with that whine! Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Anne, your humor in the midst of conflict is honorable. Your determination to enjoy your cruise is also honorable. I am so sorry Dick is not going to be present (physically) to enjoy it with you but I do agree...he will be with you. As for wishy/washy...I doubt very much you will be like that forever. You are exhausted and I think we tend to forget that physical exhaustion includes mental exhaustion...decision making is draining especially when one is already drained. I believe in time...that strong gal will be back. Frankly I think going to Alaska on a cruise alone speaks to strength and decision making abilities. Enjoy the trip. I am sure there will be moments where tears fill your eyes...you know that and you are going...that is strength. Good for you, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Anne, we're proud of you and we all wish you (and Dick, who is with you on this trip, if only in your heart) bon voyage ~ and please take lots of pictures! ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Anne, I hope you have a great time on your trip. You may find yourself in tears part of the time because he's not there to share in it, that's normal, but I hope the rest of the time will be filled with wonder and a good time. I also think buyer's remorse is to be expected...a lot of us second guess ourselves early in the grief journey, we are used to consulting with our spouse on things, and it takes time to realize that we can make decisions on our own. Sometimes I imagine George is proud of me for all of the decisions I've made, good and bad, because he knows how hard it's been...and because he was always proud of me no matter what. So go have a wonderful time and keep us posted! You're going for all of us you know, some of us can't go on a cruise, but we can live vicariously through you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted June 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Should clarify a point. I am not going on the cruise alone. I will be going with three other gals from my knitting group. We plan to knit, sight see, knit, eat, knit, force walk around the decks, knit, take pictures and knit some more! I will be sharing a room with another Ann. She is also a widow who encouraged me to start attending the Women's Support Group. We have become very good friends. We plan to support each other every step of the way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted June 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Kay, I love the sentence about George being proud of you, I know Dick is proud of me also because he too was always proud of me not matter what. I miss that look in his eyes when he looked at me with such pride. It's a look a treasure! I promise to take tons of pictures and share them when I can figure out how to do it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 I am so glad you are going with friends. It seemed so lonely to picture you on a cruise alone even if you met and sat with some strangers. Your room mate sounds like the perfect companion (short of sharing the room with your husband). You surely sounds like you knit a lot I have friends who knit a lot...and swear by it. Enjoy your trip and perhaps throw something into the Alaskan waters to leave a bit of you and your husband there. Just a thought. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 I really think this is great!! And going with friends, it should be a great time! ( although bittersweet at times, no doubt ) I now have the itch to start taking some of the trips Mike and I were planning....Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lina Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 What a wonderful trip...I think it your Dick would be very proud of you for going on this cruise to Alaska. I am so glad you are going with friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 3, 2012 Report Share Posted June 3, 2012 I just assumed you'd be going with friends, it makes it all the more fun! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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