Young Adult And Lost Both Parents, Is Anyone In The Same Situation?

[bec123]

Hello everyone,

Firstly if you here it means you are somehow grieving. To anyone who reads this, I am sorry for your loss.

I am here as I lost my mum very suddenly on the 19th of April this year, I also lost my dad to cancer 11 years ago.

The day after loosing my mum I felt like a different person, I felt like I had been re-plotted on a graph, like my whole

world had changed. I have read some of your moving posts and I am also experiencing panic attacks. I attempted to go back to work after only

two weeks and had a massive panic attack while at work, shortly after my doctor suggested I take more time off.

I also feel very anxious all the time, I worry constantly about everything and worry about how I am going to cope with everyday life when I do eventually get back to work.

My family live quite far away on both sides and my fathers side have not even phoned to see if im ok, just one cousin. My mums side have been at the other end of the phone

but I appear to be taking all their comments as negative and my request for help with clearing the house has fallen on deaf ears. I am trying to do everything on my own.

I keep trying to remind myself that I am not alone as I have had friends over and people calling to see how I am, but can't help feeling so lost at the moment. I take everything people

say the wrong way and repeat in my head things people have said with anger sometimes, for example a friend yesterday said " Oh what a great life you lead" as im not working at the moment!

I try to not be too sensitive as people can't go around treading on egg shells, but its very hard sometimes. I am also trying to remind myself that unless you have lost someone close you could

never understand. I have now lost both my parents, and its the most horrible feeling in the world. I also think its sometimes that people don' think before they speak. Oh I don't know. Has anyone else

experienced this?

It has only been a month and a half, nearly two since my mum has passed away but I feel that I can't really talk about how I feel to anyone, and sometimes get

the feeling like I am a burden on people. I spoke with a councillor the other day and am arranging some help for myself. I feel there is so much I need to say but get the

feeling people just don't want to listen. I am only 32 and have no partner, (sometimes I think this is a good thing as I can only cope with dealing with myself a the the moment)

I was just wondering if anyone else was in this situation? If there is anyone out there who is I would love to hear from you.

Stay strong everyone

x

[Lina]

I am so very sorry. I am not in your situation of having lost both parents. I am so sorry for your losses. There is never a time in our lives when we are ready to lose our parents. Losing someone so very important does make you feel like your life has suddenly tilted off its axis and everything has shifted. The world feels off kilter and nothing feels right. I think that feeling of panic is also normal. I know I have felt that a great deal since losing my husband. *hugs*

In many ways dealing with all the horrible practicalities of death has been one of the hardest parts of this. You are hit by waves of grief that make you want to hide from the world and yet you have no choice but deal with legalities and stuff. Sorting through a loved ones stuff is so very difficult. I have found it heart wrenching and I have not had to go through a whole house. *hugs* I am so sorry you have had to deal with this on your own.

I have had problems with people speaking thoughtlessly also. Even people close to me make stupid comments without thought...one person made some comment about not being able to sleep with her dog and having to settle with sleeping with her husband. I wanted to cry because there is little in this world that I would love more right now then to have my husband available to sleep with. People don't think about their words and I guess truly they can't always think about them...but still comments like that hurt.

I am not in your situation, but do understand how it feels to be devastated by loss. You are not alone. *hugs*

[kayc]

You might ask the moderator to transfer this to the loss of parent section, there might be more people there to identify with as this is loss of spouse.

I lost my own father when I was pregnant with my first child. It was very hard knowing that my kids would never get to know their grandfather. I am sorry the family hasn't been more of a support to you, it's hard to understand that. Some people just seem to avoid anything uncomfortable, and I'm afraid death falls in that category. We've had people who dropped us as friends when we lost our spouse. Sometimes it's hard to understand other people's responses, but all we can control is our own response. I think a parental loss is one that stays with you, but the intensity should lessen over time as you work your way through your grief. I'm sorry you're going through this and all the more because you're having to deal with both losses at once, that is really tough. (((hugs)))

[Ron B.]

Hi Bec123. My story is similar except that I'm 20+ years older. I lost my dad 10 years ago. And my mom 3 years ago. Then my life completely crashed and burned. I had already lost my job in 2009 due to the financial crash. Nobody was hiring in my field. And for my grief, I had no solid support from anyone. I am single. I had no friends I could regularly talk to. And I had one very hostile sibling that held brutal control over my mother's estate. I just sank into despair and depression. I became neglectful and contrary. I refused to turn the heat on during winter, and that was sufficient to bring on pneumonia. Could not focus or get any useful work done. Was upset and angry almost all of the time. And I had a serious panic attack. I was a complete mess.

That's the 'before' picture.

My recovery began at about month 3 to 4 when I started seeing a psychologist. I don't know how, but the person I saw was able to calm me. My therapy was a kind of methodical discussion of issues related to grief, anger, and forgiveness. I started reading all kinds of literature on these subjects. And I posted a lot to this forum. My situation improved when my mother's estate got somewhat resolved. And I started getting daily exercise, either bike riding or swimming at a local pool. That helped relieve some the general physical tension within me.

Another thing which greatly helped my recovery was getting actively involved with my parents' legacy. At month 5 or 6 I put out a booklet of all my mother's kitchen recipes. Doing this mattered to me a great deal. It was a way of honoring my mother. Since that time I have inherited most of the family photos, and I have been actively involved in various family history projects ever since. I dig out, scan, and share photos with other family members. And I'm learning who I am through my parents' legacy.

The last thing I'll mention is that I started a business, which was tiny at first, but now after 3 years I sometimes think I might have to turn away customers. The money isn't great but at least I'm supporting myself. I like my independence.

That's the 'after' picture.

It's really hard for me to give advice to the newly bereaved. Mostly because I didn't handle those first months well at all. I hope you do better. Counseling, physical exercise, support from this grief site, and finding my parents' legacy were probably the most therapeutic things that I did. But everybody is different. As you read other people's grief stories here, you will get ideas about things that will work for you. And strange as it may sound, grief can be an avenue for personal growth. A warm welcome to you; glad you found us.

Ron B.

[AnnieO]

I am sorry for your loss. My parents died 10 months apart, in 2006 and 2007. I think its a good idea to see a counselor. I was really struggling until I found a good grief therapist. I can relate to all the feelings you are experiencing right now. Take good care of yourself, make sure you eat , sleep and some exercise helped me too. Even just taking a walk or bike ride. With time, things will get better....keep posting here, there are wonderful people here who understand.

[WantMyHEA]

Hi Bec123 -

I'm 36. First let me just say, because of your story, I am finally seeking grief counseling for the loss of my parents after 23 years. There is nothing worse than being a young adult with no guidance on how to navigate this world and all that it comes with. I wish there were more specific groups for us. Were orphans but were not orphans.

Secondly, I am terribly sorry for your loss - I really am, I don't have to imagine it. Please go for the counseling. Find a support group. Your family and friends may not know how to deal. I know what it is like in the worst way. I can relate to just about everything you wrote. Feeling abandoned by family...sometimes actually "being" abandoned by family. Being sensitive to people's comments....sometimes, people actually making dumb flippant comments because they don't know how to deal and they just don't feel like being around the sadness. You are 100% not alone.

I lost my mom at 15 to cancer and I didn't get to spend much time with her before she passed as I was semi-kidnapped by my dad to another country, but I lived with her until I was 12 and she was wonderful!! My dad and I, needless to say had an acrimoniuous relationship. He died my graduating semester of college, just as I had planned to move back in with him to make him love me. I got a very cold call from his cousin while I was at my part-time job asking me to come to the hospital to identify the body. And that was it. So no parents at my graduation. My mom's family who always disliked my dad and who couldn't wait to do whatever they could for my brother and I to highlight how neglectful my dad was abandoned us. They sent a "family representative" to the funeral, the aunt I was closest to and specifically noted that she was there to represent my mom's family for "emotional" support. Again with being very specific. She apologized for this - how they abandoned us 2 years later but they were never that close to me again. I just recently had an uncle tell me how my dad "ruined our whole lives" like 1 year ago. The foreign community abroad we belonged to in the States didn't like us much because my mother was American and we were half American. We were different.

During that last semester, I hit the ground running - I had to work, study, be president of a society, look for a job, find a place to live, find an attorney - who to cut cost, had me do a lot of things myself, (I made too much to qualify for most Charities), settle the entire "estate", clear out the infested house, my only sibling went AWOL from the military after the funeral, so there's the Military police hounding me, deal with the foreign community who saw me as a head strong disrespectful American-"B"!t@h...cater to my half siblings I knew about and new ones I learned about during the funeral. Everyone wanted to know about the house - feeling entitled...many didn't know my mom bought it, not my dad...he also squandered the 6-figure amount of money she left aside for our college tuition - me and my one full sibling. At the end of the whole ordeal, my brother was addicted to weed (and still is), we each got a check for about $2300 (financial legacy) and I was 50lbs over weight. It took 2.7years for everything legal to be over. No one knew how to deal - so most just either scuttled away or tried to act like all was normal and hope I'd marry some rich prince who'd solve all the problems. That didn't happen.

What did? A great job. LOOOTS of casual sex - my own drug of choice, Food - lots of that too, A bad relationship with an abusive man...we parted as okay friends. A bad marriage to someone abusive, who like my dad was emotionally unavailable unless I did all the work. Eventually 60lbs more...yes, since I came back to the US, I added 130lbs. I've lost 50...I'll settle for another 60 off. I sucked it up and sucked it up and sucked it up...but I countered with the sex and food. Everyone kept saying how strong I was and I hated it...they didn't know how I dealt then. My promiscuity reputation is catching up with me now...I would ball at the sound of a hallmark commercial but on the outside, I looked all put together. There were moments when I was happy - newly married, till things went sour and career triumphs I was extremely proud of. But here I am now at 36 and because of a negative work environment, it looks like Pandora's box is unloading. Panic attacks, depression, joint pain, passive suicidal thoughts...my peers are where they should be -married, kids, careers and I'm lagging behind in my 20s mentally, still trying to "make it" but never able to really just get that leg up. Just broke up with my boyfriend who turned out to be emotionally abusive - capitalizing on the fact that someone older and overweight like me, shouldn't be so picky and independent. I've been on my own since 19 - dad asked me to move out, since I was soo independent. I wanted to be loved because no one I thought, really loved me. And I have been morbidly afraid of being alone, only to always end up alone. And now add a biological clock to swirl in and you get desperate.

Well, ENOUGH! I have decided, if I am going to die alone, I am going to die happy. Screw the clock. I can still have a baby at 42. I am ready to do it right this time. That means being real. I'm ready for that now. So my Dear Bec123 - you may not see it but because without knowing the details of your life, I felt your story mirrored mine, I'm going for grief counseling for the 1st time in 23 years. Why, because I'm tired and I want to live again.

Now - I gave you all that info, not so you could read me whining but I want you to avoid the mistakes I made, you've got a good 4 years under me. Go for the grief counseling, for as long as you need to. Don't make my mistake of trying to pretend like everything is fine. It's not fine and it is fine and it will be fine but your life is your life and you have to cater to it accordingly and not like everyone elses. 14-23 years later, One situation happened to me and it was my tipping point, Now, I'm burnt out and learning this the hard way but I know I can make it.

Hope this has helped you in some way. Stay strong, be vulnerable to the right people and keep your mental, spiritual and really physical health in great condition.

[niamh]

hi bec123,

I am so sorry for the loss of both your parents, I cannot even imagine that. I lost my Dad 2.5 yrs ago and am still pretty lost and feel like I just go through the motions of life everyday. I was 34 and like you I don't have a partner, now the thoughts of all that scares me, afraid of meeting someone, afraid of being alone so I take it just day by day and try not to think of the future, there's too much time ahead of me without my Dad.

It is very hard and while people have the best of intentions with what the say often it does hurt, probably because there really are no true words of comfort at a time like this so everything sounds wrong.

I am sorry nobody will help out with clearing your house. I've realised that as much as people say they will always be there, yep I have some really close friends who are great for listening and being patient but I have given up asking for help with anything that requires more than an ear from most people. I've been let down with little things but things my Dad would have jumped to help with but it seems too big a deal for others and I find the letdowns way too hard to deal with. So I've stopped asking and stopped expecting, personally I think it's a very lonely world even with good friends.

Feeling anxious all the time is normal, in my experience you just get used to it and live with it all. It was 2.5 mnths before I could go back to work, I tried twice and ran from the place in floods of tears and also panic like you. Thankfully they were understanding and my boss had told me it might take a few tries before I could stay in there and he said their main aim was to help me just be able to sit at my desk and stay in work, maybe not jump back into lots of work but just to be able to stay. I got there eventually, it was very hard but with the support I had in work it helped somewhat. They also changed my role and responsibilities for a while to help ease my way back. I felt like my mind was a blank slate going back, I could not remember anything at all, but it was there just buried under the shock of everything. Things have eased with work now, my confidence has slowly returned, it has been frustrating and still is but I've learned to be gentle with myself.

I still have my days of worrying about everything and feeling scared and anxious and when that happens I just try to take it one minute at a time, tv is my escape from it all, to rest the mind, heart and soul so I dive into that full force when I feel really anxious and it allows the escape and break from it all.

Please keep talking here, you will never be a burden, we can all relate in some shape or another to what you are going through and hopefully being here can just help you realise that as alone as you do feel there is at least 1 other person in the world who can relate to you,

((hugs)) to you,

Niamh

[blujonny]

Hello everyone,

Firstly if you here it means you are somehow grieving. To anyone who reads this, I am sorry for your loss.

I am here as I lost my mum very suddenly on the 19th of April this year, I also lost my dad to cancer 11 years ago.

The day after loosing my mum I felt like a different person, I felt like I had been re-plotted on a graph, like my whole

world had changed. I have read some of your moving posts and I am also experiencing panic attacks. I attempted to go back to work after only

two weeks and had a massive panic attack while at work, shortly after my doctor suggested I take more time off.

I also feel very anxious all the time, I worry constantly about everything and worry about how I am going to cope with everyday life when I do eventually get back to work.

My family live quite far away on both sides and my fathers side have not even phoned to see if im ok, just one cousin. My mums side have been at the other end of the phone

but I appear to be taking all their comments as negative and my request for help with clearing the house has fallen on deaf ears. I am trying to do everything on my own.

I keep trying to remind myself that I am not alone as I have had friends over and people calling to see how I am, but can't help feeling so lost at the moment. I take everything people

say the wrong way and repeat in my head things people have said with anger sometimes, for example a friend yesterday said " Oh what a great life you lead" as im not working at the moment!

I try to not be too sensitive as people can't go around treading on egg shells, but its very hard sometimes. I am also trying to remind myself that unless you have lost someone close you could

never understand. I have now lost both my parents, and its the most horrible feeling in the world. I also think its sometimes that people don' think before they speak. Oh I don't know. Has anyone else

experienced this?

It has only been a month and a half, nearly two since my mum has passed away but I feel that I can't really talk about how I feel to anyone, and sometimes get

the feeling like I am a burden on people. I spoke with a councillor the other day and am arranging some help for myself. I feel there is so much I need to say but get the

feeling people just don't want to listen. I am only 32 and have no partner, (sometimes I think this is a good thing as I can only cope with dealing with myself a the the moment)

I was just wondering if anyone else was in this situation? If there is anyone out there who is I would love to hear from you.

Stay strong everyone

x

Hi, I'm 38 and lost my dad almost 2 years ago. I have been there, panic attacks, extreme anxiety and all and have emerged from it. If you need someone to discuss a part of what you're going through please let me know through the message option. It unnerves me seeing people going through grief alone as I went through it mostly alone and know how straining it can be to feel so alienated and abandoned.

[babbent514]

I'm right there with ya.I lost my mom in jan,my Dad in May and my stepdad in june.I still can't belive they are gone.and wonder why God took them all from me at once.Life just isn't fair.

[kayc]

That IS a lot of losses at once. No, life sure isn't fair. I'm so sorry you lost all three of them. I hope it gets easier with time, but I'm sure you'll continue to miss them all. It's been nearly 31 years since I lost my dad and now my mom is in a Dementia Care Center...loss is always hard to adjust to, I'm sorry!

[babbent514]

thanks Kay.And sorry to hear about your Mom.My Mom was my rock and I really miss that alot.

[kayc]

I don't talk about my situation as much...my mom was not a June Cleaver, she was abusive and mentally ill and problematic all her life, but us kids bonded and we've been there for each other. It's hard for me to relate when people adore their mom and miss them, but I equate it to when I lost my sweet husband...I realize some parents are there for their kids all their lives and when they're gone, it's a huge loss. I felt that way when my MIL passed, she was the mom I always wanted. For me, I mourn what never could be and I look forward to the day when my mom will be made right (in the next life) and will finally be happy and at peace.