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It's Coming...


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I have been feeling very depressed as of late. I am not sure if it is simply the end of summer and the leaves are beginning to change and fall from the trees or if it is beacuse at this time last year I was with Dragon and he was beginning to feel sick (the cancer was undetected at this time) The changing seasons have left an effect on me like never before. I am remembering what it was like to not know what it was that was making him ill. The constant pain that he was feeling, the doctors appointments. Trying to go on regardless of what we did not know at the time. I was there last year at this time with him. I find he is in my dreams as of late. It almost feels as though I am going through this heartach all over again. I knew the anniversary of finding out that he was already with stage 4 bone cancer would be trying however I was not prepared for the memories to become so vivid. It feels as though all the work I have done to recover has been a waste of time. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach. Is this trauma being released once again? I miss him so much I can barely stand it at times...I dreamed I was in his arms..but then I left and was lost and could not find my way back to his home and to him? This dream threw me..it has stuck with me now for several days. I have been crying like I did when finding out for the first time he was dyeing. I am at a loss..there is nothing I can do but remember..and it hurts to do that..more than anyone knows here. Sigh....I want him back in my life...it almost seems like reality is setting in again for the firt time. I dont know what to do with myself anymore....

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My dear friend, as difficult as it is to experience, all I can tell you is that what you're experiencing is normal. Your post reminds me of something I read just this morning on the Widow's Voice blog ~ and I think it could have been written just for you:

And So It Begins . . .

It's that time of year, the weather begins to change, fall begins to show little signs of appearing. It marks the beginning of the annual march to the deathaversary. This is my 7th trip down this path and I'm becoming a pro. In years past, it took me a few weeks to recognize that I was a bit grumpy, a bit emotional, and generally out of sorts. Continue reading here . . .

See also Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions

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Mik,

This must be a common event, myself and my new love Brenda have also been going thru the same type of events, our spouses have been very much on both our minds...we both feel the waves rolling in and out, a medium says that they are "active" most when we feel stressed and/or going thru some changes in our lives, but they are here to comfort us even though we do not feel comforted at times.

I have been watching a show on TLC called "Long Island Medium" with Theresa Caputo, and would recommend this to anyone who is going thru this grief journey, since watching this show it has reinforced my belief in the afterlife and "the spirit".

Theressa will send chills that encompass your entire body when you see her "feel" the presence of the spirit...one story that touches me is when a young girl feels the presence of her father, as her dogs become very active when he's present, this happens to me as well, our dogs go nuts when Ruth is present as pets and children are more aware and affected by there presence.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this but wanted to share as the "waves" we feel are a sign that they are still with us indeed just in a different aspect.

I woke today in total tears and just cried my eyes out as I've been waiting for a call regarding an interview I had this past week and it's almost as if Ruth were here telling me I would get a call today, I felt her "spirit" as cold chills and a breeze as though she just walked past me on several occasions today...this is not the first time. I also have been dreaming of her lately and haven't before, I have even been having talks with her, I'm cautious to mention this to most except Brenda as many would think I'm "nuts".

For example last weekend I was pressure washing her house and driveway when the washer just stopped for no apparent reason, while I was trying to figure it out her spouse said to me, "I'm so glad your here to do this for her, be patient with the washer it can be tempermental at times, check the oil", sure enough the oil was low and has a sensor that shuts it down when low, I filled the oil and it started back up...I had no clue it had this sensor.

So I say to you and many, take the signs we receive as knowing our "departed" loved one are still indeed with us, and even as we feel sad and heart broken we are not alone.

May you find comfort in the days to come and may peace be with you.

I have included a link to Theresa and she was on "Live with Kelly" today, some of you may have seen her if you watch this program.

Long Island Medium

NATS

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Kimberly,

It is that way. I am sorry, Hon, I really am, I know it's hard. But no, you haven't lost ground, it's three steps forward, two steps back, but you're still moving in a progressive fashion overall.

Today I was on FB and saw a picture of George's son. I'd seen a picture of him before, but now that he's getting older, he looks the spitting image of his dad. It kind of struck me anew and I missed George with a ferociousness. But that's how it seems to be, things remind you, it might be leaves changing color, it could be anything random that serves to remind you. The one year mark of learning about the illness or one year mark of a death can be really hard hitting. You'll get through it, the same as you've made it through this last year. And we're here for you.

Hugs,

Kay

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mik,

I'm so sorry. So much of what you said hit home hard, as we are on about the same "timeframe" of our respective losses. I am feeling much of it all flooding back on me as well. I wish I had some brilliant insight or more to say but offhand I don't, only that I'm thinking of you and wishing you comfort however you can find it.

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You will have company. I also feel a big wave coming.

My husband Pete passed away on October 16th last year. Mid September is when he started the downward spiral, with the first of his final set of three hospital admissions. One year ago, I was not worried about losing him. I worried the pneumonia would damage his lungs more and make it difficult for him to recover well. He had come through so many things before, each one taking away something from him physically but not touching his spirit. At this time last year, I was starting to think about how to get a ramp to replace the front steps to make it easier for him to come and go from the house. This time last year – I did not know we were so close to the end of our time together. Now though I know it was.

I think that as I remember one year ago, I am going to get to feel many emotions that I kept myself from feeling. I think that this is going to be hard to get through. My theory is that back in 2005 when Pete was originally diagnosed with leukemia, I went into a kind of shock. It protected me from my own fears, allowing me to take good care of Pete through everything he had to go through as well as allowing me to get through other things that happened to family and myself during the same time. There was another level of shock that kicked in once I realized Pete was going to die – a numbness I am sure you all know and remember. I have imagined a pressure regulator valve on my emotions that lets them vent out as I become strong enough to handle them. I hope so, there are so many and I do not think that I could take them all at once.

So – know you are not alone. I do not know what to do to make things better. I just try to cry when I need to remind myself to breathe through the pain when it comes. Wishing you well as we all get through the next wave. I feel it coming.

srm

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Dear srm

Your idea of a pressure valve is really meaningful to me because my emotions are bottled up and although I think about nothing else but losing my Pete I'm well aware that I am only feeling part of the pain. If I felt all of it I couldn't carry on and so I think it is a blessing that I'm only experiencing part of them. But I do get frightened of how I shall be when I do experience all of them. It's four and a half months since Pete died and almost a year since he had the devastating stroke. My life seems worthless most of the time and the only thing which keeps me going is my daughter and her little girls. Peace to you and all on this forum. Jan

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SRM,

I think you expressed it well when you describe it like a pressure valve. I do think our amazing bodies hold things at bay until we are better able to cope.

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