Just When You Think It's Bad Enough

[KATPILOT]

Loosing the love of your life is so hard. I know........ been through it. When Kathy died more than a year and a half ago, I have been as sad as I ever thought I could be. When my dad died a year ago, it was sad sure but he was ninety and had a good life . Kathy was only 51 and I

was still in too much of a grieving state, that it just didn't sink in. Kathy's parents had always been so nice to me and when they lost thier daughter, I had someone to share the grief with. On Mothers Day last I was going up to see her in Calgary since she was so ill. I knew her detiorating health was a direct result of loosing Kathy. The trip ended up being a funeral. I talked a lot with her dad because I knew what he was going through. I went up to visit him on Fathers Day and it was very nice to share our love for the lost loves we had in common. Since then his health started going quickly and I went up to see him in the hospital last week. I knew he was going. Yesterday he died and I will be leaving soon for his funeral. What gets me the most is loosing the people I came to love who shared a grief with me. Strangely, it helped me feel so not alone and being around people who I had grown to love gave me comfort. Now it seems like "boom" all gone. Loosing four people so important in my life so soon leaves me wondering why am I still here? I wish I had an answer but all I have are more questions. I still wake up knowing I was crying in my sleep. Today I realized I am right where I was the day she left. We only had three months to know that something

was wrong so you see I didn't have time to accept that eventuality.

I wonder how many others wished we could have died right then, been able to be with them. Now every day I see myself getting older looking in the mirror and wondering "Is this how I get to pay for every bad thing I did in life?" I say that because don't we bounce all over the place trying to make sence of such a loss? Haven't we wanted to die in the worst way? These are all very natural feelings to have.

Sorry to be so long winded but I need to do this every once and again to keep myself going.

[hockeymom]

We are all here for a reason in my eyes and when it's our time, it our time. I think with all the loss you've experienced it's a good time to reevaluate - are you getting all you can out of your own life? Life is so short, so precious, so much worth living. I preach to my kids all the time - when you lay your head down at night are you secure in your heart that you lived today to the fullest, that you gave all you could to the people in it? I am so very sorry for your loss and I know it's not easy to find the why, the lesson. I assure you, though, it is there. ((hugs))

[MartyT]

My friend, I'm so sorry to learn of all the losses you've endured over the last eighteen months. It seems to me that after all of this it is completely understandable that you would be feeling completely overwhelmed, isolated and alone, since the very ones who shared in your love for your beloved wife and in your grief at her death have also died now, too. It's even understandable that you would wish that you could die so you could join and be with your loved ones.

I think it's important to know that thoughts of wanting to die are not unusual when we're grieving. We may have the pessimistic belief that things will never get any better, as if life and living are useless. It is difficult for us to imagine life without our loved ones, and we may feel a compelling need to join or to be with the person who has died. Nevertheless, there is a vast difference between thinking about dying and acting upon such thoughts. In grief, thoughts of suicide are usually fleeting and reflect how desperately we want the pain of loss to end. (It's also important to note that the sorrow of grief is not the same as clinical depression. A griever looks outside and sees the world as poor and empty, while a depressed person looks inward and sees the self that way. Depression is a treatable illness. If you're concerned that you may be clinically depressed, I urge you to consult with your primary care physician. You may need medication, or you may need only to be reassured that your feelings are within the normal limits of grieving. At the very least, please check out this Web site: IF YOU ARE THINKING OF SUICIDE, READ THIS FIRST.)

As I think about your circumstances, I'm reminded of a passage in Jerry Sittser's beautiful book, A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss. In one horrific moment, this man lost his wife, his mother and his 14-year old daughter. They were killed instantly when the van he was driving was struck head-on by a drunk driver. He too struggled with mourning multiple losses. He writes,

I learned early on that I did not even have the luxury or convenience of mourning the loss of my loved ones as a group. Instead, I had to mourn them as separate individuals. As my grief over one loss would subside, grief over another would emerge. If it was not one birthday I wanted to celebrate, it was another. If one piece of music awakened sorrow for Lynda, another would awaken sorrow for Diana or my mother. I had to face what felt like one wave of sorrow after another. I could not get away from it, no matter what I tried. The pain was relentless, like midday heat in the Sahara (p.

45).

What is more, life is full of losses, and any given loss will engender many secondary losses. Read this excerpt from Alexandra Kennedy's book, The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss

Over a lifetime we will experience many losses. We live by losing, leaving and letting go. These are essential parts of the ever-changing world, as much a part of life as night, wind and rain. We cannot save ourselves, nor those we love, from the sorrow that is part of life. Parents die, friends drop away, cherished possessions are lost. Our children grow up and leave home. We lose spouses and partners to divorce or death; sometimes we lose them emotionally long before. As we age, we will confront all that we never were or never will be. We will be faced with the grief of unfulfilled dreams. With each major loss, we often encounter multiple losses. For example, the death of a parent can lead to many other losses-- of our identity as their child, of our family history, and sometimes of friends as they retreat from the intensity of our grief. Losing a job can lead to the loss of self-confidence, identity, and power. A miscarriage or infertility can bring about the loss of the dream of having a family. A divorce can result in the loss of a lifestyle, home, friends, and identity. [To read more, go to Alexandra Kennedy and under Grief Articles, see Strategies for Grieving, and click on Healing Daily Losses.]

I want to point you to some other articles that I hope will be helpful to you:

Bereavement Overload - Coping with Multiple Losses

Grief: How Do You Heal If Multiple Deaths Occur Over a Short Time Period?

Grief: Debunking a Dozen Myths about Multiple Losses

Multiple Losses: Start with the Pain

Multiple Losses Can Increase Isolation

[kayc]

I am so sorry for all of the losses you have suffered recently. It is hard losing the people that most "got you" and you loved. I lost my husband over seven years ago, my FIL 1 1/2 years ago, and now my mom is going through Lewy Bodies Dementia, and it's taking it's toll quickly. My own dad passed 30 years ago and my MIL 25 years ago.

I don't think loss has anything to do with karma or payback for anything, it is rather a part of the cycle of life. We all go through it and it's not fair and equitable about when it strikes. We can lose people young, we can lose them old. We can enjoy them a lifetime or only a little while. It's taught me to enjoy what there is today instead of wasting time wishing for the past or future, which we can't do anything about. But it took me a while to learn that. In the beginning, it took all I could muster just to deal with the pain of the loss. Your pain must feel incredible right now; please know you are not alone, there are a host of people going through similar experiences right here on this website. And we're here any time you need to vent, or just tell us what you are going through. We "get it" and realize that everyone's grief journey is unique and there isn't a "right way or wrong way" to do it.

I hope you have others remaining that will be there for you...children, friends, neighbors, coworkers, someone.

Right now all I can do is give you a virtual hug, and pray you get through each day one moment at a time...

[KATPILOT]

First of all I want to thank you all for the nice thoughts. Marty, the truth is, that I only mentioned the thought of ending my life because I know that passes through so many of us. I could never do that of course so please don't think that would ever happen. Right now, I am just going through another sad moment and a sense of loss. It is of course not easy to have lost the two people that I was able to have in my life that shared the love of Kathy with me. It is also sad that as I leave soon to go back for the last time, that I will miss those moments there as well. I read a book when my children were young (maybe a dozen times) called "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck. I ended up with the complete understanding that life is difficult. Once I understood that, I could get on with the rest of my life. I will. Having said that, I also want to say that I believe in fate. I know that every step I have been taking has led me through the past and into through future.

Sometimes when I get so busy at work or playng with my three year old triplet grandaughters, I find happiness. It seems as though it is a distraction that only keeps the pain away for a while.

When I am alone again, I realize how much I still love her yet I have a belief that she is still with me, inside me, and I can live my life to the end quite nicely that way. Some loves are just that deep and I believe that I will be with her one day. I also suspect that will be quite a long time from now.

[MartyT]

Thank you, my friend, for reassuring us about those thoughts you are having. I think it's important for anyone reading these posts to know that such thoughts are not at all unusual ~ In fact, they are quite common and perfectly normal. I appreciate your having the courage to acknowledge them as part of your own grief process, as it gives us yet another opportunity to assure other mourners reading here that such thoughts are normal. I must tell you, too, that Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled is one of my very favorite books ~ most especially because of the first few lines, which for many years I've featured on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my web site:

Life is difficult.

This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.

It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.

Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult.

Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

[KATPILOT]

And thank you too Marty!

I was so taken by how much you do on this site. I as well as so many others appreciate the work you do and how much of yourself you put into this. The only way one can councel is to let the pain of others in and feel it. Not an easy task.

Thanks again and I will write more when I get back.

S

[AnnC]

I have felt it too. My aunt died Aug. 2nd, my brother died in a car crash Aug. 24th and my cousin's wife on Aug. 27th, which was my father's birthday and he died 5 1/2 years ago. It is very hard with the multiple losses. I especially feel for my cousin, who lost his mother and his wife, and also my brother, within the same month. It's so hard. I lost my husband first to divorce when he realized he was gay, and years later he died at only 50. That was 8 years ago, but more recent losses bring that loss back (not that it ever retreated very far!)

It's hard to remind myself that life has losses all along the way. Society seems to expect us to be happy all the time.

[kayc]

I couldn't agree more, it is a great book! And you are right, it is knowing they still live inside of us that inspires me.

[babbent514]

I'm sorry for your loss.It is very hard trust me I know.I lost my Mom in Jan ,my Dad in May and my stepdad in June .of last year.I feel as if it was just yesterday that I talked to them.I cry all the time,trying to take it one day at a time but some days it's just really hard.Here if u need to talk.I'm glad i found this site because here people know and understand how you are feeling.It's a great place to get out how you are feeling.God bless.